This is my first not me Monday!!!

I absolutely did not Go with my mom and dad to a tavern because that would be just illegal... and to eat the most amazing pizza, I did not ponder the idea of how old I am getting because next year I wont have to sneak in.. I totally did not have a tear in my eye when my mentor's friend sang a song filling up the whole tavern.. I totally did not feel the God's spirit as I was sitting there..I did not come home from the dessert and start to fill out the application so that I can become a volunteer at my dad's work

I do not miss my mom and A-man as they are sitting at children's hospital...and thinking about how I could pull a code pink..

I did not ignore Mr feisty smelly pants for 2 minutes only hoping that my dad would change it..but in the end I did it anyways .. darn it!!!!!

I did not almost miss my bus to school today because I wanted to meet Mr feisty man's social worker..

I did not wonder this week how my fish tank got so clean only to realize that it was soo dirty that all the dirtiness went to the bottom of the tank...

I did not hide away gum in my room so that Charlie wont find it!!

I did not do any of the above.. Nope not me!

(From the photoshoot, his PERFECT FEET)

A-man is home once again!! he was not a happy camper today.. we did everything but he was definitely being a chemo baby.. but tomorrow he will be acting happy and get to see and enjoy his two front teeth that have recently come in!!! Tonight I have been pondering the question, Am I scared for A-man to get healed? because if he does we have no idea what will happen to him, and I have to admit that if he did get healed from his disease and didn't need a transplant, no more chemo, what would happen to him??? would he have to leave us and return to his hometown? would my parents not be able to keep him? it is all the what ifs, and simply pure selfishness of wanting to keep this precious baby that God has blessed us with, it is for my own self pity that I haven't fully prayed for healing over this baby, but I cant do that. I know God can heal this baby, and to place him in Gods hands knowing that whatever happens in A-man's is in God's will.......... so Now I am going to Pray for healing and know that God can heal A-man from HLH... and any other illnesses that he has.. I know that whatever happens God is the same God no MATTER what happens with A-man, and yes I do wish for him not to have to feel the pain, this little guy has been through so much, from talking to the doctors telling us that when he went to the hospital that they thought he was not going to make it, A-man is a fighter, he is a sweet baby, and I honestly don't want to see his medical bill.. when we my mom found out about A-man, he had been in the hospital all by himself for 3 months... now he is a different baby, he likes to be held certain ways, bounced, does not like to have his diapers dirty, he loves his wubnub http://www.twobluepeas.com/m-20-wubbanub.aspx, oh and that has to be a certain way, staring at his perfect baby feet, him reaching up to have his hand kissed, the way that he smiles it melts your heart and makes you forget about the Chemo that just happened the week before. this baby truly has the hand of God on his life, he is simply and wonderful by baby brother that I dont want to let go of, but I needto put all of my wants and needs and put them Gods hands and to begin to pray for total healing over this Baby.........

on another note I has a meeting with my academic advisor and we talked about everything that happened with my college mentor and it was a really good talked she told me I was not wrong for not wanting to work with her anymore, I am truly blessed to Go to the University that I go to and to find such a strong Christian to talk to. we talked for two hours about everything that was going on, from what classes, who we are voting for, getting into the school of social work, my brothers, last summer. it was a meeting that truly made my willingness to stay at the UW and to not run away because I felt violated from one person..... but this week hopefully I get to have a meeting with the person who is in charge of my scholarship,and talk about my possible options of what to do.. I truly feel like I want to stay at UW and wait it out........... Because God did not give me the vision of attending the UW to just quit like that...

So this month my Goal is to continually pray for A-man and for God to work in his life and to be thankfull to God for everything that he has given me and my family as we continue on this road of being a foster family... I just realized that is has been exactly 2 years since we started this journey and have had 14 babys in the process!!!

(My mentor Shaila and me after my graduation in 07)

"Open Me"- Shawn McDonald

Would You open up eyes, so I can see
Would You open up my ears, so I can hear
Would You open up my mind, so I can know
Would You open up my heart, so could love You more

I want to serve You, my God
I want to give everything
I want to serve You, my King, yeah
I want to serve You, my Lord
I want to give You everything, yeah

Here I am with my arms open wide
Asking for You to come up, up inside
Won’t You make me new, won’t You make me true
Jesus, won’t You make me like You, oh

Will You touch my eyes so I can see
Will You touch my ears so I can hear
Will You touch my mind so I can know
Will You touch my heart so I can love You more

Won’t You open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me


I pray that God can continue to OPEN me... that I can grow to be the Women of God he has called me.. I need him to OPEN me... This past week has been very challenging but to make a long story short I accidentally marked my financial aid wrong. I had a meeting with my mentor that I have to have for a scholarship, she is also the director of financial aid at my school... but we were talking and she was asking what I was up to these days so I started to talk to her about the boys, school, helping out at home, just about life as a college student when she looked at me and said "Lindsay, your aid is wrong and it says you are living away from home" I was like "OH" so immediately she stopped what we were talking about and picked up the phone and called the people to change my aid. she was SO consumed in the fact that I marked my aid wrong and forgot what we were doing. I don't know if It is me just being me but I felt like I was violated, as a student I understand that she was doing her Job but I think the situation could of been handled different... I was talking to my dad this morning as we were driving after getting out morning cup of Starbucks!!!! and asking if it is wrong that I feel this way he said, No.... what happened when we were meeting was not appropriate.. what happened last Thursday has really affected me all week and has really been on my mind to really evaluate if I really want to be at the UW. to really look at why I am pursing higher educaton, to really just evaluate the institution that I am attending. I feel like I am in between a hard wall and a rock. but I am planning on going and talking to the lady who is the head of my scholarship to see if I can get a new mentor, in which I would see if I could get my old mentor from high school who has never stopped being my mentor!! thank God for Sheila!!
and I am also going to see if it is possible to take a quarter off of UW and attend community college, so that I can take the classes that would be like 500 students at UW with only 30 students. so hopefully everything works out.. I honestly don't know what I am going to do.. but I trust God has a plan for me..

So I am praying that God can OPEN me so that I can know what he has planned for me... Oh and A-man has 2 teeth!!!! and we didn't even know it... :)..

Finally after 15 days, A-man is home from the hospital!!!! I am so glad to have him home.. :)..and also my mom!!!!!! I took this picture when I was flying home from my vacation to Florida... this Picture just shows Gods Beauty!!!

Keep Holding on,
Once again that is what I keep seeing, the word I keep getting...

although so much of me doesn’t want to stay at the UW, I am reminded of the Vision I had when I was in Thailand, I was sitting on my bed praying and I was asking God " where is it that you want to me to go to college??" and I got a vision of me walking up to the main campus at the UW..... I knew that I was supposed to go there... I tried to hard to go to every other college but it didn’t work out.. So I went to the UW. So I need to
Keep holding on,
I need to wait for his timing, and not lean on my own understanding, I want to have a passion for learning again, I am so tired of being tired of studying, I want to be at peace with whatever happens when I apply to the school of Social work, I want to be brave.. Brave to learn and take chances...

Keep holding on,
hold on and wait for Anthony to come home, and be at peace with whatever happens with him, I don’t want to wait, I want to know what is going on with him, I want to know that he is okay, that only at 8 months he has been through so much.
Keep holding on,

And have peace with Fortress, have peace that he is well taken care of...

"Keep holding on, to that child like faith. Keep holding on to me Lindsay... because I can do all things... Keep holding on to ME AND ONLY ME don’t look to your own understanding, don’t look to the World, don’t look to man, don’t look anywhere but my face"...

do I will continue to hold on with all I have left in me, hold on to the true God who has changed my Life, who has given me the strength to want to serve him with all my heart... this Saturday I go to my training to that I can start working at a homeless drop in center near my school I am excited.. About what this new volunteer opportunity brings for me.....

I was on face book and someone sent me the song my Avril Levine "keep holding on" and I knew that I was being told to keep holding on..

JOHN WALLER WHILE I'M WAITING LYRICS

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord









My mom posted this song on her Blog and everything that I have been talking about in this song is what I am going through......what I feel..it sums it up...PERFECTLY!!!

Today I was half asleep riding on the Bus to my school and I was thinking about so many things my head was racing and racing, one thing after another, I mean I was on information OVERLOAD… when I asked God so what do I do??? and I waited a second and looked up half asleep, when I saw this sign on the bus that said “Hold on”, Hold on Lindsay and wait for me, wait for my will in your life, wait for me and as you wait begin to draw near to me, begin to put all you have in me Lindsay, I am going to take care of you…….. it was a divine moment with my Jesus, I feel so relieved yes I am stressed with living at home, going to school, having mid-terms this week, helping out, having my grandma living with us, I sometimes feel like I have no privacy……. but for this time in my life I am called to be at home with my parents. So I am told by God to “hold on”.
Today we had the Photo shoot with A-man, and it turns out the photographer goes to hospitals all the time and takes pictures of babies who are in the hospital, she was such an amazing women and took some AMAZING picture.. I am so thankful that she did that for my family, I know they are just pictures but they mean so much when A-man Is so sick......

My prayer for this week is that I can fully begin to look to Jesus in all that I do, by relying on him for everything that I do. This song is one that I learned when I was going into High School and it has really been my prayer for my generation, that we can see God and be the people that God has called us to be!!!! it has been hard to fully rely on God and to take a bold step to be obedient and to take risk...especially when my heart is tired of seeing A-man sick...I never doubt God that he doesn’t have a will for A-mans young life but I wonder, why are all these kids in so much pain?? What did they do to deserve Cancer of other rare diseases??? Why them??? Why do they have to have chemotherapy at the age of 8 months??? Why do so many of the Kids on A-mans floor have to deal with anxiety of not knowing if they are going to make it??? I couldn’t imagine what these kids are going thru, but why God???? Why these kids, who are so precious and innocent??? I know God can heal A-man and all that other children, I know he has the power, but is it in his will?? I don’t know??? I only pray and hope that A-man can live to see this world and all that is in it. I pray that one day A-man will know he is blessed.

often I get ideas and don’t follow thru, but today I was sitting at home and I felt like we needed to get a Photographer for A-man, because he doesn’t have any tubes in his nose, so I looked and looked and couldn’t find one, so I looked at the now I lay me down to sleep website and found some good photographers in the area, so I called this one lady who had a website, I looked at it and felt like I just needed to call and see if someone is willing to do it... so I did and she is willing!!!! She lives about 14 miles from us, and she is willing to come to the hospital and take pictures of A-man for free, what a GIFT!!! I didn’t tell her where I found her but she was totally amazing!!! And willing to do this for my family!!! it is such a gift and I cant wait for the pictures to be taken....I am in awe that someone is willing to do that...I was going to pay for it because I think it is important to get done...but she is willing to do it for free!!!!.. But Unfortunately due to Child privacy acts we won’t be able to show any of the pictures that are taken with A-man on the internet....

Her laugh is a faint memory




It has almost been a year since we found out that our sweet “N” was not going to be living with us anymore and return home.. tonight I was laying in my bed getting ready to sleep and I began to pray for Charlie, who has his surgery in less than 6 hours, For Feisty man and seeing how far he has come these past 7 months, and PRAISING GOD for the life of A-man and the miracles that are already being done in his body… these past two years of my parents being foster parents have brought on many great trials of joyfulness of being able to love on every kid who walks through the doors and time of sorrow of having to trust God as we let go some of the ones we grew closest to, each child with a different story and but know that God has his hand on each one of their lives. When I found out “N” was leaving I was playing with her and took a recording of her sweet voice on my cell phone, as weird as that may sound I still listen to it every now and then just to be able to hear her voice for one last time. I miss her so much and I wish that I could see her. all the little babies I see, I think of “N” how soon she is going to be two, how she is now walking, talking more than ever and is now a big sister!!. How I wish for just one second I could see this little Girl God's and has been on her life from the start of her life.. How when she came to us she was so small, tiny, and lifeless …but we loved her and prayed for God to work in her life.. after 9 months of her living with us she was totally different baby who was full of life, joy, and zest for life. soon after she turned 1 she was gone just like that................. above all I pray and hope that she can become who God created to be, that she can live life to the fullest. I may never see her again but I am praying for her knowing that God is in control of her Precious life! I am thankful for her because she taught me so much about how to live life to the fullest and to love everyone no matter what they are going through.. she taught me alot about faith and trusting God to take care of it. she was only 1 when she left but she forever changed me.

I am so thankful for Charlie and the two other boys! they are simply amazing! today Charlie and Fiest man were soo good in church!! I was watching them cause my mom was at the hospital with A-man, and my was in jail (okay, so he was preaching at the jail this sunday).. but I was giving the boys some food to eat when Mrs, D who was my boss this summer for camp pulled me aside and asked me, "What is going on with you dad?" I replied "he is at the jail preaching" mrs D looked at me "Okay that makes sense because I asked Charlie your dad was and he said that he was in jail, I told charlie that his dad isnt in jail but charlie but he insisted that he was because you told him.... I just wanted to make sure that everything was okay and nothing happend...." I was like oh he is fine... and we laughed about it.. and I told charlie that daddy was coming home to see him later after he got done preaching.. I just had a good time with the boys, playing football in the house, coloring, watching tv, and just being with them! they are the most amazing boys EVER!!!

School started this past week...and once again I am in surprised that I am in my 2nd year of college..it is so crazy truely how time goes by.. it is crazy that 5 years ago Charlie was born.. and what is even more crazy is that this thursday I am turning 20...... me 20??? I never thought that the time would come.. where is this life I am living going?? what am I here called to do???? what is my purpose?? I dont know.... I wish that I could see a map of my life and know what was going to happen... what is even more amazing is that for 5 generations the women on my mom's side of the family for married and had children before their 20th birthday...... My grandma Ivy told me one thing that I will never forget "Lindsay, wait to get married it is not fun being married at 15 watching everyone else going off to school, when I was there with my daughter and pregnant with my son, if there is anything for you I ask you to wait"... from that moment at the age of 13 I promised my G.G that I would wait.. wait to get marriend to live the life that she didnt get to live. to be young and travel, and most of all to get a higher Educaton... I am not saying that for 5 generations they did not grow up to amazing Women because My GG, grandma samp and my mom were/are amazing women of God... and I see how God worked in their lifes.. and to be honest I am Glad my mom had me!!!! I am Glad how God has worked in my familys life.... I am Glad that my G.G told me that...because it really showed me to WAIT and to not rush....... to simply live life a little.... to explore.......and to seek God with all my heart and soul.... My G.G left one thing to me when she died and it was nothing that I can hold on to physically but it was those words that have allowed me to look beyond getting married anytime soon and to live life..... to be able to go and get an education is not alway easy and I would rather do everything but my homework but I need to remind myself that I am trying to reach for the stars and with every page I read for school I am getting close to that one star of getting my degee in Social work..who knows what id going to happen five years.... who knows?? I dont...all I need to do is wait.....be patient.... and seek after God with all that I have......

WOW!! I can’t believe that this summer has gone by so fast!! What as life changing summer…summer camp changed my life this year what has it taught me? I don’t know I feel like such a stronger person, someone who is going to stand up for what she believes in. I feel like God is shaping my life..Showing me how to be brave and to really take a stand for my faith……. Summer camp was a place where my love for ministries really grew again..I desire to serve God with all that I have it is not always easy but when you give him your all he uses you, I desire to be used by the holy on! When summer camp was over I went to Florida for a week to surprise my aunt for her Birthday. it was so much fun I was dreading going cause I honestly have a hard time being around that side of the family because of the past, and sometimes it is hard to forget what happened. But I went and stood up for what I believed in. the most beautiful part of Florida was when we went to the beach..it was SOO amazing…….

You know it is crazy I am turning 20 soon, that is sooo stinking crazy I honestly cannot believe it. That I am going to be 20..I am getting old..and I am going to be a sophomore in college….time goes by so fast…

How can it be....So the first week of camp came to an end....we have 20 kids enrolled.....and I have only one child...... which I love her but I am kinda bored with only one..but whatever happens happens.......... it was fun going to the Zoo last week and just spending time seeing some of Gods creation....... I have found that as I am on my journey to grow closer to God I am beginning to get visions from God..... like today I was in church and brother Skip was praying over the worship team and all of a sudden I saw this dim red light shining on the worship team..it was really interesting..I wonder what God was trying to show me... I love that I am finally growing in Christ.....oh and Saturday night I heard God tell me to call a friend..so I did...and it turned out she was having a really hard time..I am excited...and looking forward to what Christ is doing through me...... it is so nice to finally to be able to hear his small still voice... once again.........

I am at peace....for once in my life I know that God is in control.....yes everything around me is not okay....my Dad is sick, my Foster brother got really sick over the weekends and didn't get to come home, all the people around me that I shared so much with are gone and I never see them, I am starting my new Job, I keep falling in love with these foster kids and then they leave or the state of Washington just plain stinks and makes wrong decision's.....my friends around me are not always making the wisest choice............and I did 100% better in spring quarter of college........this is my life...crazy never resting....but I like it....I like being able to be at peace with all of it..and knowing that I don't have to worry....and give it to God to take care of!!!! it is so relieving..this I have felt such peace and patients in my heart...and I know it is God showing his love for me...I like when I got into a relationship 2 years ago my whole relationship with God has been on a rollarcoaster ride...for once it is getting better...I am getting visions and dreams that I know are from God..... and it feels so relieving to be real with God and to be vulnerable to him once again..... I don't ever want to go back...to how I was....I want to keep this peace.....

so tomorrow we are setting up for camp!! I am excited to be part of a pioneering camp..it is the first of many to come.....but I am scared of being a leader and scared of failing my kids........but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13............I pray that God can be in the camp this week and to give me all that I need so I can pour myself into my kids..and totally just LOVE on them............

As I went to my retreat this past weekend for work, on of our devotions we got asked the question, what is you holding you back from fullfilling the call that God has place on your life? and we had to draw a picture....and that is how mine came out....on the left side it is showing how I am now, holding on to my past and not allowing god to shine through me. I sometimes do not want to let go and let God take control.........and it leaves me feeling down and honestly I feel like I carry my burdends...by not being in his word and spending the time that I need in order to be the Women of God that he has called me to be.

on the right side it is showing me as being fully emersed in Gods glory, by "standing on his holy ground". by reading and growing closer to God... as I am letting Gods glory shine out of me, people are gatherd around me that I am going to serve in some way, because they can see christ through me.

I feel as thought this is what God is saying for me to do..to fully give my self to him by sacraficing it all...and to take time in his word to grow closer...so that I can fullfill the purpose that Jesus has for me!!!!

So I am praying that I can become the Women that God designed me to be.... I want to fullfill my purpose on this earth.... God please continue to heal me and draw me closer to you!!

If you have come to help me you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together"
- Aboriginal Activist


So last quarter at school in the Dialogue class they gave us this purple piece of paper that has this quote on it, and ever since I got it I have been thinking about it..and what is means to be in an Alliance with people and to really be their to work and not "Save them" but to work together alongside people who are in the everyday struggle of life such as discrimination and racism. I often think of the classic example of when I moved to Seattle, a VERY DIVERSE COMMUNITY, I began to work with the kids at the elementary school, my goal was to help and save the kids for Jesus but soon I got tired and my energy got really low as soon as I looked to God and said "I cant be the savior for these kids only you can, I need you to show me how to work along side them and work with them to fight their battles". My whole way of working with kids and even people has changed. to walk alongside people and to work with people who sometimes don't have a voice in society. I want to be an example of someone who isn't using their white privilege when working with people but to let go of that and help someone fight a fight that is hard to fight alone...I think that this can come to be true by being in community that is diverse and to be open minded...I loved this class cause we were so vulnerable to each other, we weren't there to save people but rather talk about and work our way through tough issues with each other. I think that this Quote is really important for all people specifically whites who want to help people, to realize that they don't need help people need someone who is willing to building an alliance and to walk hand in hand, helping to work through issues together..... I want to be that person who is walking along side people who are less fortunate than me and to build a community of people who are will to listen and fight for Freedom............

So I found this video and started to cry completely....because my parents have been foster parents but also we do receiving home care for babys who's birth mom's CHOOSE to give them up for adoption. each baby comes with a different story whether the mom is young or old, the mom chose to give them up for whatever reason it may be. when the baby's leave they go away with their new parents who are full of joy and hope. I am so thankful for all the birthmom's who chose birth for their children because all of the babys we have had so far are happy and healthy, and I know they will thank their Birthmoms for choosing life.......

WOW!!! I AM DONE WITH MY FIRST YEAR AT COLLEGE!! it has been a journey that is for sure, this year I feel like I learned to much....next year I will be applying for the School of Social Work!!! that is so amazing..it is soo neat to know that I have God on my side...I honestly dont think that I could of made it through this school year if I didnt have him.....so much happend with the Church plant and with my family...but I MADE IT!!!! by that grace of God.... I am excited to be done..this summer is going to be life changing...and I am not going to be the same person as I am now when I am finished...and I am excited to be challenged and stretched as I begin my Internship with the church..... wow...God is AMAZING..so we only had 8,000 dollars to do camp this summer...and yesterday their was a conference and God provided alllllllllllllllllll the money we need to be able to run the camp plus extra.....we have all 40,000!!!!!!!! God is GOOOOOOD!!!

when my family lived in Lynnwood I met this friend 10 years ago and we got really close when my family was going through a rough time I pretty much lived at Sarah's house. it was I time in my life were I needed somewhere to go that was not my own house. and I am thankful that I had a house to go to... I got so close to the blaine family..... but as my family got cloesr to God he called us to move out of the apartments...since then I havent really seen them......but Sarah graduated from high school!! and well that is the picture of us..now it is so amazing...to see old friends.... when I saw Robin (Sarah's mom) she started to cry because she hadn't seen me in soooo long.........and as shocked at who I am becoming...and was amazed that we were alll grown!!! I love looking back at my life and seeing how God has worked and chaged my family...if someone would of told me who I was to become, I would of LAUGHED in your face..what me???? a social worker?? no way...but now I know that is what I am being called to do.....

Sorry...this is a really random post..haha....I have alot on my mind...but that is okay...

I am tired..and I am so loving my classes..but I need to sleep God!! I need to feel passion for serving you.I need to find new life... Oh God renew me and refresh me to the goodness of your will...there are so many people who need you......I am not perfect..I fail constantly, I get side tracked, get tempted but through it all I know you are there loving and protecting me...





"Even the best fall down sometimes Even the stars refuse to shine Out of the back you fall in time I somehow find You and I collide"
Howie Day

This song is AMAZING..and it is how I feel....and I know God is there..no matter what I am going thru........just listen to it..it is so AMAZING!