Today I am heavy with the weight of so many things...
I can feel my heart breaking for the woman that I work with
I have been involved with the Late Night outreach(LNO) since November of 2009 which works with women who are involved with prostituting. I can tell I am not the same person I was that street corner has changed my life.
But tonight I am extra heavy I am carrying a burdened for those woman who I see on the Friday and Saturday nights that I am out there. I am aching inside for the life they are living. The pain they are going through. The kids who are left at home. The men who are deceiving them. The police who are arresting them giving them Justice but that they could be fair and understand the lives of these Woman.
But there are AMAZING things that God is doing in the state there is a law that is going to the senate (Cant go into details but be praying for the Law that might be passed), there is a conference in Washington DC with Police, Lawyers, prosecuting attorneys, ministries, social services meeting together to rally and learn more about the issue of the Life.
God is moving in a miraculous way!
More and more of our young Woman involved in the life are saying they want to leave the life, they say it laughingly but deep down they Do... we have and know of resources to help them get out of the life if they want really want to...
God IS moving! all around the world, in this country and in the state of Washington.
I am feeling like tomorrow night is going to be busy, this is a spiritual warfare that is going on but prayer is the most powerful weapon that we have as Christians, I know when I am out on the streets I will see a girl and begin praying for her I may not know her name but God does and he hears those prayers. If you feel lead to please pray for these Precious Ladies that God can grip them and show them what real love is.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Monday, January 04, 2010
come on...
Dear state of Washington,
Can you please just make a decision as to whether these children are moving away or Mr, feisty is living with us forever... or if maybe just maybe Feisty's sister shebebob can come and live with us?? I mean he has been in our care for almost 2 years.... but for his sake so that he can have permanency in his life..and in the life's of his 2 other siblings... can you PLEASE hurry up?? this stinks I want my parents to adopt him he is clearly attached to us.....technically the state is supposed to have permanency with 18 months of placement..and well we are beyond that... I cant imagine saying goodbye to him..it would be heart breaking...for my family and Mr, feisty.... but seriously state... these mixed emotions of knowing the possibility of him leaving the last 6 months have led us to be scared of losing and not knowing what is to come..and it hurts..
I Understand that Anthony's adoption was on the fast track because of his transplant and the state did not want to have the responsibility for making those life changing decisions but seriously, can you begin to move this case little faster??? can you please just be fair to these children they have lost so much already... They don't need to be waiting and not knowing where their forever home is going to be...whether in Washington or the other side of the country
maybe state this is why you loose all your foster good parents...because you burn them out..
sincerely,
A foster sister
Can you please just make a decision as to whether these children are moving away or Mr, feisty is living with us forever... or if maybe just maybe Feisty's sister shebebob can come and live with us?? I mean he has been in our care for almost 2 years.... but for his sake so that he can have permanency in his life..and in the life's of his 2 other siblings... can you PLEASE hurry up?? this stinks I want my parents to adopt him he is clearly attached to us.....technically the state is supposed to have permanency with 18 months of placement..and well we are beyond that... I cant imagine saying goodbye to him..it would be heart breaking...for my family and Mr, feisty.... but seriously state... these mixed emotions of knowing the possibility of him leaving the last 6 months have led us to be scared of losing and not knowing what is to come..and it hurts..
I Understand that Anthony's adoption was on the fast track because of his transplant and the state did not want to have the responsibility for making those life changing decisions but seriously, can you begin to move this case little faster??? can you please just be fair to these children they have lost so much already... They don't need to be waiting and not knowing where their forever home is going to be...whether in Washington or the other side of the country
maybe state this is why you loose all your foster good parents...because you burn them out..
sincerely,
A foster sister
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Give it all away
Tonight I was trying to really thing about where God is leading me this year and beyond as I get ready to graduate college, kind of scary!! but when I heard the song "Give it all away" by Aaron Shust it stuck out because it is talking about laying all your dreams, plans,time and everything that I have to a lay it down at the foot of the cross and submitting them to God..
the song goes on to say that God gave it all away for me!! what more can I do? lay all of my plans and dreams at the foot of the cross..
It is not hard doing that! it is hard letting go because I will be honest for a second..I love to plan and have plans about what the next step is going to be but also to be brutally honest none of my plans that I thought were sooo perfect have ever happened..somehow God has taken charge and said "NO LINDSAY I don't want you to do it your way.....let me lead and you can follow"
so this year my goal is to give all my plans and dreams to God and allow him to work through me... is it easy? no but this journey of being a believer is not easy but worth it! what is better than allowing the Creator of the universe use you and transform your life!
the song goes on to say that God gave it all away for me!! what more can I do? lay all of my plans and dreams at the foot of the cross..
It is not hard doing that! it is hard letting go because I will be honest for a second..I love to plan and have plans about what the next step is going to be but also to be brutally honest none of my plans that I thought were sooo perfect have ever happened..somehow God has taken charge and said "NO LINDSAY I don't want you to do it your way.....let me lead and you can follow"
so this year my goal is to give all my plans and dreams to God and allow him to work through me... is it easy? no but this journey of being a believer is not easy but worth it! what is better than allowing the Creator of the universe use you and transform your life!
Friday, January 01, 2010
2009 in a nutshell
2009, what a year it was! it was full of tears and laughter. in the beginning of 2009 I had a fear of my brothers upcoming transplant not knowing what the outcomes. the fear and worry that I had was hard to say the least. the continuing of chemo every other week, medicine that would make him sick to say the least it was hard but it is what we were used to just surviving and living on the hope that Jesus alone can provide.
It was a year of lost and letting go of close friends and although this was hard at the time I am thankful to not have that burdened on me any longer. it is not me that can save people from their bad choices but God and with that I am thankful and free from that situation!!!! in fact on her wedding day I got my drivers permit, a symbolism of being free..haha :)
It was a year of finally after the swine flu and blood infections, Anthony finally received his life saving transplant!! I will never forget watching those blood cord cells going into his little body, knowing that in that moment he was given a second chance at life! at times it was rough and hard but God blessed us with a miracle and today he is 100% en grafted with his new cells and is HLH free!!! we still have the occasional hospital visits for blood infections.
I stayed in school for summer Quarter, and pretty much kicked booty! I ministered on my campus along with an open air preacher. in that moment I gained my passion for serving and telling people about Jesus again. I prayed for so long and asked God to show me where he would have me work for him, and he told me to wait...
we received news that Mr, feisty had "relatives" that would be willing to take him, the thing is they are not blood and he does not know or really care about them, we don't know where he will end up....still we pray and hope that God can work in this situation.
My parents adopted Anthony!!! (the Governor of Washington was relieved)
I got accepted into the Sociology major! I am planning on being done after winter quarter 2011 and attending community college for a year or so to get my certificate in chemical dependency and to full full some classes that I will need in order to attend graduate school. (those classes I need are offed at UW but there are SOO Many people that I would rather take it in a smaller setting)
I turned 21!!! nothing to exciting but during that time I was praying about what ministry God would have me do, and he still said nothing.....finally around that time he said "women" and that was the only word I heard... I was like OKAY.... A few weeks later I got a call from My mentor Sheila asking me if I wanted to be a part of Late night outreach....and of course I knew it was where God wanted me to volunteer.....three nights out and a Christmas party later I am simply in love with that ministry and all that we do there......
To say the least God has transformed me and renewed me in so many ways this year! he has definitely been working and maturing me this year, I am no longer a teenager that wrote in this blog but rather a women that God is changing and using!
I am excited for what 2010 holds in store, I am excited to be getting closer to graduating, buying my first car, working late night and the passion and opportunity's that can come along with that! simply I am in Awe of what God has done and will continue to do in my parents, brothers and my life!
It was a year of lost and letting go of close friends and although this was hard at the time I am thankful to not have that burdened on me any longer. it is not me that can save people from their bad choices but God and with that I am thankful and free from that situation!!!! in fact on her wedding day I got my drivers permit, a symbolism of being free..haha :)
It was a year of finally after the swine flu and blood infections, Anthony finally received his life saving transplant!! I will never forget watching those blood cord cells going into his little body, knowing that in that moment he was given a second chance at life! at times it was rough and hard but God blessed us with a miracle and today he is 100% en grafted with his new cells and is HLH free!!! we still have the occasional hospital visits for blood infections.
I stayed in school for summer Quarter, and pretty much kicked booty! I ministered on my campus along with an open air preacher. in that moment I gained my passion for serving and telling people about Jesus again. I prayed for so long and asked God to show me where he would have me work for him, and he told me to wait...
we received news that Mr, feisty had "relatives" that would be willing to take him, the thing is they are not blood and he does not know or really care about them, we don't know where he will end up....still we pray and hope that God can work in this situation.
My parents adopted Anthony!!! (the Governor of Washington was relieved)
I got accepted into the Sociology major! I am planning on being done after winter quarter 2011 and attending community college for a year or so to get my certificate in chemical dependency and to full full some classes that I will need in order to attend graduate school. (those classes I need are offed at UW but there are SOO Many people that I would rather take it in a smaller setting)
I turned 21!!! nothing to exciting but during that time I was praying about what ministry God would have me do, and he still said nothing.....finally around that time he said "women" and that was the only word I heard... I was like OKAY.... A few weeks later I got a call from My mentor Sheila asking me if I wanted to be a part of Late night outreach....and of course I knew it was where God wanted me to volunteer.....three nights out and a Christmas party later I am simply in love with that ministry and all that we do there......
To say the least God has transformed me and renewed me in so many ways this year! he has definitely been working and maturing me this year, I am no longer a teenager that wrote in this blog but rather a women that God is changing and using!
I am excited for what 2010 holds in store, I am excited to be getting closer to graduating, buying my first car, working late night and the passion and opportunity's that can come along with that! simply I am in Awe of what God has done and will continue to do in my parents, brothers and my life!
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Hope.
Living through this Journey with Anthony receiving a life saving bone marrow transplant... I wont deny the fact that I did wonder "what if he didn't make it" to think about last year and this time we were faced with so many "what ifs" and although he has thrived and is doing well besides the occasional blood infections he is doing amazing!! but what is it that has kept us going throughout these past two years?
it is hard to see the other family's dealing with Cancer, the bonds with the other kids that my mom and dad have become close to. one girl "A" has only one more chance to fight this beast, and it hurts to think that this young girl is missing so much her senior year. its real her parents and family are realizing the reality of this nightmare. we pray that God would heal her.
It is hard remembering the day the teenage boy passed away, we all knew he was really sick and loosing his battle to cancer but still it is still hard. that week before he passed the rabbi's were coming and visiting the hospital. A few days later my mom called and said that in the moring he passed away. the hallways flooded with family and friends as they wheeled his body down the hallway passed my brothers room.
Or the time when the little boy who was 8 pleaded with his mom and dad saying "I dont want to do this anymore I just want to go home" he was tired of the chemo going into his body and making him sick.
Everyone took it hard. what gets me is why these nurses and Doctors work with these children. sometimes I believe that it is for the hope of one day knowing that these children have fought their battle to the best of their ability. To be able to one day know that at the end of their work day they worked the hardest and followed all of the protocols that are available.
Hope.
is the one word that I think of when I think of all the parents, doctors and nurses trying to fight and get rid of this disease.
It is hope that keeps us going,
it is hope that has kept me going knowing that God is there healing and watching out for Anthony.
It is hope
the one thing you can hold on to when your whole world is being shaken.
This little Boy brings me hope as I go about my days,
even though this picture is old it brougt be hope
during his transplant.
it is hard to see the other family's dealing with Cancer, the bonds with the other kids that my mom and dad have become close to. one girl "A" has only one more chance to fight this beast, and it hurts to think that this young girl is missing so much her senior year. its real her parents and family are realizing the reality of this nightmare. we pray that God would heal her.
It is hard remembering the day the teenage boy passed away, we all knew he was really sick and loosing his battle to cancer but still it is still hard. that week before he passed the rabbi's were coming and visiting the hospital. A few days later my mom called and said that in the moring he passed away. the hallways flooded with family and friends as they wheeled his body down the hallway passed my brothers room.
Or the time when the little boy who was 8 pleaded with his mom and dad saying "I dont want to do this anymore I just want to go home" he was tired of the chemo going into his body and making him sick.
Everyone took it hard. what gets me is why these nurses and Doctors work with these children. sometimes I believe that it is for the hope of one day knowing that these children have fought their battle to the best of their ability. To be able to one day know that at the end of their work day they worked the hardest and followed all of the protocols that are available.
Hope.
is the one word that I think of when I think of all the parents, doctors and nurses trying to fight and get rid of this disease.
It is hope that keeps us going,
it is hope that has kept me going knowing that God is there healing and watching out for Anthony.
It is hope
the one thing you can hold on to when your whole world is being shaken.
This little Boy brings me hope as I go about my days,
even though this picture is old it brougt be hope
during his transplant.
Friday, November 27, 2009
The waiting room
To be honest this year has been difficult..
It is hard to imagine how much my life has changed in one year!
it is hard to think of the community of people that I had a year ago are the people who despise me today.
it is hard to think that even though what the devil meant for harm it has been turned into something beautiful. although there are people that have gone and moved on so have I. it felt like this year I have been sitting in a waiting room waiting for Answers from God...
last thanksgiving we were anticipating the transplant date and the hopeful adoption of my brother. we struggled between the fine line of "What if" and "how come" but today we are rejoicing with praise and thanksgiving because of the miraculous healing of Anthony... he is 100% engrafted with his donor cells and doing amazingly well and far passed any expectations that the team had for him. we are in great communication with his birth family and his mom is still holding on and waiting to see her birth son. we are thankful for "S" and the gift of open adoption that we are forever thankful for!
This thanksgiving we went to my uncles house and celebrated thanksgiving with my aunt, uncle and cousins for the first time in 10 years. I know my grandma and Grandpa were there in spirit rejoicing from heaven seeing their children and grandchildren gather. I looked at Grandma and Grandpa's pictures in their hallway know that this is what they had prayed for when they started a family.
The last five years, I was knew that God was calling me to be involved with late night night outreach a ministry that works with women involved with prostitution and tonight marks the night that I go out and begin that work. to be honest like I have said this past year God kept telling me to wait for what he has called me to do.. about a week after I turned 21 I was praying and the only word I got was the word "Women" I was like okay..you want me to work with women but where and who? and that was in my head for awhile and then a couple days later I got a call from my mentor who knew that I wanted to work with late night and that I was finally old enough.. so she called and we chatted.. I filled out my paperwork, set up an interview and then training came... it has taken forever.... to get to tonight but I am excited!!! to see what God is doing on the streets and in the life's of these women.
so tonight I am no longer in the waiting room I am prepared as much as possible to go out and I found from a blog that I read and I think it apples to me and really describes this past year... he told me "No" so many times and tonight he is telling me "YES"
It is hard to imagine how much my life has changed in one year!
it is hard to think of the community of people that I had a year ago are the people who despise me today.
it is hard to think that even though what the devil meant for harm it has been turned into something beautiful. although there are people that have gone and moved on so have I. it felt like this year I have been sitting in a waiting room waiting for Answers from God...
last thanksgiving we were anticipating the transplant date and the hopeful adoption of my brother. we struggled between the fine line of "What if" and "how come" but today we are rejoicing with praise and thanksgiving because of the miraculous healing of Anthony... he is 100% engrafted with his donor cells and doing amazingly well and far passed any expectations that the team had for him. we are in great communication with his birth family and his mom is still holding on and waiting to see her birth son. we are thankful for "S" and the gift of open adoption that we are forever thankful for!
This thanksgiving we went to my uncles house and celebrated thanksgiving with my aunt, uncle and cousins for the first time in 10 years. I know my grandma and Grandpa were there in spirit rejoicing from heaven seeing their children and grandchildren gather. I looked at Grandma and Grandpa's pictures in their hallway know that this is what they had prayed for when they started a family.
The last five years, I was knew that God was calling me to be involved with late night night outreach a ministry that works with women involved with prostitution and tonight marks the night that I go out and begin that work. to be honest like I have said this past year God kept telling me to wait for what he has called me to do.. about a week after I turned 21 I was praying and the only word I got was the word "Women" I was like okay..you want me to work with women but where and who? and that was in my head for awhile and then a couple days later I got a call from my mentor who knew that I wanted to work with late night and that I was finally old enough.. so she called and we chatted.. I filled out my paperwork, set up an interview and then training came... it has taken forever.... to get to tonight but I am excited!!! to see what God is doing on the streets and in the life's of these women.
so tonight I am no longer in the waiting room I am prepared as much as possible to go out and I found from a blog that I read and I think it apples to me and really describes this past year... he told me "No" so many times and tonight he is telling me "YES"
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Happy birthday N!!
Dear N,
oh sweet N..you were so tiny and small when you came home..you came home not to live but yet the God of the universe chose to keep and give you life! you where the miracle and baby girl that we had been praying for!!! I will never forget the moment I knew I loved you we were sitting on the couch and you just starred at me and smiled... it was a moment that will never be forgotten!!
I remember the days of watching you dance to music, learn to talk.. you N where a miracle a little piece of Heaven.. although you don't remember me now you still have a piece of my heart.. I know you are safe and I pray for you every night..
My wish for you as that as you grow up that you will be drawn to the God of the universe and know that you are loved... that you will want to serve him with all you have...
I still love you and even though it has been almost two years since you left... may you be blessed on your 3rd birthday!!
Love,
Lindsay
oh sweet N..you were so tiny and small when you came home..you came home not to live but yet the God of the universe chose to keep and give you life! you where the miracle and baby girl that we had been praying for!!! I will never forget the moment I knew I loved you we were sitting on the couch and you just starred at me and smiled... it was a moment that will never be forgotten!!
I remember the days of watching you dance to music, learn to talk.. you N where a miracle a little piece of Heaven.. although you don't remember me now you still have a piece of my heart.. I know you are safe and I pray for you every night..
My wish for you as that as you grow up that you will be drawn to the God of the universe and know that you are loved... that you will want to serve him with all you have...
I still love you and even though it has been almost two years since you left... may you be blessed on your 3rd birthday!!
Love,
Lindsay
I am mad at the state...
I so wish that I could break the walls and social systems that have been set up...
I wish that I could yell in the faces of the social workers asking what they are thinking????
I wish and hope to see a miracle happen...
What would that miracle be??
for feisty to stay with us forever! I cant go into the situation in detail but I am sad and scared that he might be ripped away from us..but I still believe that God can perform a miracle if it is in his plans for him to stay with us..
It hurts to loose him it never gets easier... and I pray that God will give me family and the other family involved peace as we may be loosing the children....and ultimately that God can protect those children as they will have to loose all security and attachments that they have formed since coming into foster care...
I so wish that I could break the walls and social systems that have been set up...
I wish that I could yell in the faces of the social workers asking what they are thinking????
I wish and hope to see a miracle happen...
What would that miracle be??
for feisty to stay with us forever! I cant go into the situation in detail but I am sad and scared that he might be ripped away from us..but I still believe that God can perform a miracle if it is in his plans for him to stay with us..
It hurts to loose him it never gets easier... and I pray that God will give me family and the other family involved peace as we may be loosing the children....and ultimately that God can protect those children as they will have to loose all security and attachments that they have formed since coming into foster care...
Sunday, October 11, 2009
He knows my name
it was a normal Sunday, my brothers in the car, mom driving, dad staying home with Anthony, Starbucks before church...
the same routine as every Sunday
Church begins and like all Sundays for the past 18 months Feisty wanted me to hold him as we were singing worship songs, we sang, clapped, whispered to each other....
then the song "He knows my name" was the next song, as I starred at Feisty..his smile, his innocence, how far he has come in such a short time.... I couldn't bear to hold back my tears..I couldn't be strong anymore..I knew at that moment it was for sure that he was going..there is no more covering how I feel inside, the frustration, the hurt,how much I would love to be able to know he was not leaving...but in fact he is...
when this verse came on, my mom and I both cried, and I grabbed feisty closer and hugged him.... it was like God was holding my mom and me in that moment.... as I heard the song it was like Feisty was singing this song....
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go
no matter where feisty goes God will never leave him, in fact he has the word of God planted in his heart from the past 18 months...he is always asking me to sing and play "Jesus Music", and has begun to ask questions about Jesus....No matter how much I want my brother to stay, no matter how much I want to scream.... I cant do anything..
But the God of the Universe has plans for Feisty!!! he will never let him go....I feel a better knowing that and being reminded of that...
as this whole case with Feisty is coming to a end soon and unfortunately he will be leaving..please pray for his Birth mom... that God will be her fortress and guide...that she can be healed...
Pray for my Brother Charlie as he is loosing his best bud..Charlie has already proclaimed that he wants to get the social worker and fire her from her job... Pray that God Will protect his heart and to comfort him as processes what is going on..
Pray for my mom, dad, and myself..as we have to say goodbye...
the same routine as every Sunday
Church begins and like all Sundays for the past 18 months Feisty wanted me to hold him as we were singing worship songs, we sang, clapped, whispered to each other....
then the song "He knows my name" was the next song, as I starred at Feisty..his smile, his innocence, how far he has come in such a short time.... I couldn't bear to hold back my tears..I couldn't be strong anymore..I knew at that moment it was for sure that he was going..there is no more covering how I feel inside, the frustration, the hurt,how much I would love to be able to know he was not leaving...but in fact he is...
when this verse came on, my mom and I both cried, and I grabbed feisty closer and hugged him.... it was like God was holding my mom and me in that moment.... as I heard the song it was like Feisty was singing this song....
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go
no matter where feisty goes God will never leave him, in fact he has the word of God planted in his heart from the past 18 months...he is always asking me to sing and play "Jesus Music", and has begun to ask questions about Jesus....No matter how much I want my brother to stay, no matter how much I want to scream.... I cant do anything..
But the God of the Universe has plans for Feisty!!! he will never let him go....I feel a better knowing that and being reminded of that...
as this whole case with Feisty is coming to a end soon and unfortunately he will be leaving..please pray for his Birth mom... that God will be her fortress and guide...that she can be healed...
Pray for my Brother Charlie as he is loosing his best bud..Charlie has already proclaimed that he wants to get the social worker and fire her from her job... Pray that God Will protect his heart and to comfort him as processes what is going on..
Pray for my mom, dad, and myself..as we have to say goodbye...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Sustain
It is amazing when the words that I have wanted to say, the emotions of being on the journey of seeing my brother go through a life saving transplant are all in one song.. the emotions and faith are tested in times of trials. relationships are tested, family's are broken. The questions and wondering why this has to happen..
Why do innocent children have to suffer in pain? why do these children have to loose their childhood to cancer and other diseases?
The continuing cycle of yelling and screaming at God, WHY???... the many nights of wondering what will happen next.. the test of faith and endurance for every family and child who are going through Cancer and other diseases....
it is not a easy time to go through, this past months have only made me passionate about serving God... It has also allowed me to see the value of life, the value of family and being there for the ones you love...
I think this song really gets at what I have thought one of the most powerful parts of the song is:
When will you give answers for the pain
Is there a place where hope can still sustain?
all though Anthony's Journey is long from being over it has been amazing to see the people come into our lives and know that Anthony will be a testament to God's grace and powerful healing.... although I scream and ask God's questions as to WHY?
God has Sustained my family....through it all
Sustain by:The glorious unseen
Cover me
there's a battlefield ahead
Cover me
there's an enemy that wants to have my head
Why do you let evil have its way?
How can you let orphans die in vain?
When will you give answers for the pain?
Is there a place where hope can still sustain?
Cover me as I walk this out alone
as I search deserted streets
for a place to call my own
I wander over all the earth
I'm like an angel without wings
I’m a song without a voice
I’m a ghost without a grave
Please, come take the burdens that have held me down so long
If I scream your name again, will you reach my bloody hands?
God, I’m holding on to you
for you can make me new
If I scream your name again, will you reach my bloody hands?
God, I’m holding to your arms
I’ve been holding on so long.
Why do innocent children have to suffer in pain? why do these children have to loose their childhood to cancer and other diseases?
The continuing cycle of yelling and screaming at God, WHY???... the many nights of wondering what will happen next.. the test of faith and endurance for every family and child who are going through Cancer and other diseases....
it is not a easy time to go through, this past months have only made me passionate about serving God... It has also allowed me to see the value of life, the value of family and being there for the ones you love...
I think this song really gets at what I have thought one of the most powerful parts of the song is:
When will you give answers for the pain
Is there a place where hope can still sustain?
all though Anthony's Journey is long from being over it has been amazing to see the people come into our lives and know that Anthony will be a testament to God's grace and powerful healing.... although I scream and ask God's questions as to WHY?
God has Sustained my family....through it all
Sustain by:The glorious unseen
Cover me
there's a battlefield ahead
Cover me
there's an enemy that wants to have my head
Why do you let evil have its way?
How can you let orphans die in vain?
When will you give answers for the pain?
Is there a place where hope can still sustain?
Cover me as I walk this out alone
as I search deserted streets
for a place to call my own
I wander over all the earth
I'm like an angel without wings
I’m a song without a voice
I’m a ghost without a grave
Please, come take the burdens that have held me down so long
If I scream your name again, will you reach my bloody hands?
God, I’m holding on to you
for you can make me new
If I scream your name again, will you reach my bloody hands?
God, I’m holding to your arms
I’ve been holding on so long.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
To do list; Sociology Application: Check!!!
okay...so I am excited!! it is amazing to be almost done with school... I turned in my application to the sociology major today!! I could not find my way around the new building.... but finally sociology department is at their home!!
I have two classes Sociological theory and a statistics classthat I am not excited to take ... But I might take the soc class next quarter with my friend which will be awesome and will make it easier to have a study buddy!!! and this quarter I am taking a methods class which is proving to be a little difficult.. but I am going to the library tomorrow to study and review all the material... so it should be good.. it is so neat to be at this place I am at..
although it still stings to walk past the social work building and know that I am not doing my undergraduate degree in social work I have a peace about getting a sociology degree.... it would have taken me six years to get my undergraduate degree in social work and I don't have the money to pay for college past five years.... I am excited about the opportunity's that this next 2 or 3 years will bring me...
right now I am just praying that I get in!!! I should know the 19th of October which is already expected to be a great week! more on that later...
I have two classes Sociological theory and a statistics classthat I am not excited to take ... But I might take the soc class next quarter with my friend which will be awesome and will make it easier to have a study buddy!!! and this quarter I am taking a methods class which is proving to be a little difficult.. but I am going to the library tomorrow to study and review all the material... so it should be good.. it is so neat to be at this place I am at..
although it still stings to walk past the social work building and know that I am not doing my undergraduate degree in social work I have a peace about getting a sociology degree.... it would have taken me six years to get my undergraduate degree in social work and I don't have the money to pay for college past five years.... I am excited about the opportunity's that this next 2 or 3 years will bring me...
right now I am just praying that I get in!!! I should know the 19th of October which is already expected to be a great week! more on that later...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
:)
Today
I am releaved
I am happy
I am free
Today
I realized that although this year has been crap
that
Today
yesterday
and forever
God has a plan for my life
Someone asked what kind ministry I was in, and I said none I am taking a break to find where I was meant to be and where God was leading me
Today
I know God has called me to be with and amonst all people of the earth...to build relationships, be open and honest.... to be like Jesus is to love and not judge.... yes you have to be honest...
Today
I know God has called me to be a university student...
Today
I know that with each of the interactions that I have had with people, he has been there guiding me..
Today
I am a leader, a worshiper, a human, a sinner that has been forgiven
Today
I am saved by God's grace...
I dont need to be part of some particular ministry, I dont need a big t-shirt, or bill board sign..all I need to to pray that God will use me...
the past two times I have pleaded and prayed for God to use me...he has opened the doors... as I have been a willing vessle for him.... and used to glorify him
Today
I am not my own I am serving the king of kings and lord of lords!!
Today,
I shook hands with 4,000 people!! (Just a random fact)! an completly lost my voice...cheering on the incoming freshman!! it was a BLAST!
I am releaved
I am happy
I am free
Today
I realized that although this year has been crap
that
Today
yesterday
and forever
God has a plan for my life
Someone asked what kind ministry I was in, and I said none I am taking a break to find where I was meant to be and where God was leading me
Today
I know God has called me to be with and amonst all people of the earth...to build relationships, be open and honest.... to be like Jesus is to love and not judge.... yes you have to be honest...
Today
I know God has called me to be a university student...
Today
I know that with each of the interactions that I have had with people, he has been there guiding me..
Today
I am a leader, a worshiper, a human, a sinner that has been forgiven
Today
I am saved by God's grace...
I dont need to be part of some particular ministry, I dont need a big t-shirt, or bill board sign..all I need to to pray that God will use me...
the past two times I have pleaded and prayed for God to use me...he has opened the doors... as I have been a willing vessle for him.... and used to glorify him
Today
I am not my own I am serving the king of kings and lord of lords!!
Today,
I shook hands with 4,000 people!! (Just a random fact)! an completly lost my voice...cheering on the incoming freshman!! it was a BLAST!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Code blue
Last night Anthony was not feeling good and has a temp of 100.3... . my mom and I knew we needed to get him here because he did have a temperature but he was also shivering, projectile vomiting, and diarah.... with that said it we hopped into the car thinking that we would possibly be admitted but we didn't pack anything, only Clothes for Anthony...
Finally when they admitted him and we got into our room, he was sleeping and he pretty much did so for the whole night but then we started to poop and poop..and begin to quiver his atomic like he wanted to projectile vomit..I just help him, caught his vomit and tried to stay calm as I saw my brother getting sicker and sicker...
at about three in the morning I got up to change probably diaper #23 (not even exaggerating) I saw that he has some blood in his stool, but it wasn't exactly stool it was mucus..I was concerned and called in the nurse she took some blood to see if he needed platelets but he didn't need any at the time...then he just tried to sleep in his crib and pull off diapers..all that to say by about 8:00 when shift changes we just done I began to get even more worried for Anthony...I just had the feeling he was not doing well and was talking to the nurse about what should be done I said he needed some kind of fluid, some zofran, and some other meds... he was laying in his bed all quivered up grunting... the nurse took his blood pressure and it was DANGEROUSLY low..we kind of freaked out a little..so the nurse went and ran into an attending and she came in to check on Anthony...
His blood pressure were still low and she tried to get a hold of the picu people to come and look at him but she couldn’t get a hold of them..I think in that moment she made a scary move but in the end it saved the life of my brother...
She pulled the code blue button, and all of a sudden people came flooding down the halls... running his room was filled up in a matter of seconds..I am not going to lie and say that I was okay..I didn't know what to do..but when she pulled it I thought " OH SHIT, and I need to get a hold of my parents"
I called my mom and she didn't pick up, so I called my home phone then my dad picked up...I was so shaken up that all I could say was "somebody needs to get here NOW, they code blued Anthony.... because he has low blood pressures" and I hung up... on my dad..because even though I couldn't be next to him I needed to be there without a phone...I had no words to say I was literally speechless.... finally the Social worker came in and I called my mom and he talked to her, then my dad called and I was still speechless... and the resident talked to him to let him know what was going on... I just stood there talking to the Social worker, what else was I to do? the nurses and doctors we talking loud, flushing in water syringe after water syringe..it was about 470ML of water...the resident was squeezing in water...putting oxygen on him..lets just say it was controlled chaos...but it was scary...I was shaking, crying..but I had nothing to do all I did was stand there wanting to grab my brother and hold him..but I had to let go and completely truth him in the hands of all the people taking care of him... and trust that God would protect him..it was hard...but I had to...the Chaplin showed up and came into the room and we talked a little... I felt at peace and when I saw her I felt at ease.. ony of the BMT fellows were telling me what was going on and she kept pulling me aside and keeping me updated... we finally got to the elevates and it was pretty packed but the BMT fellow pulled me into the elevator and said that I was the most important person there..I calmed him down and gave him a kiss... then we got to the floor and rushed back to the room and everyone was still flying around and once again the same lady pulled me inside of the room and made sure I was there... it was completely scary..and I don’t remember all the details I just remember standing there, speechless trying to talk but I couldn’t... finally things settled down...but they were going to put in a central line to be able to put in all the fluids and meds that he needs....
looking back on the whole thing I see how all these people came together and did their Job, but there were people who were also there to support the family..it was scary and I can’t say that enough..When we got to the room his blood pressures started to go up and since then he has been stable.....
I am in Awe at how God worked in this whole situation, I don’t know how to explain it or even the words.... but what I do know is that even though Anthony got so sick so fast...that God was ahead of the whole situation and placed people where they need to be in that whole controlled chaos…..
Tonight somehow my parents let me stay the night and didn’t kick me out of the house…but I am here with Anthony, watching and keeping a close eye on him..let me say he looks 100% better than he did this morning..he is a little out of it but he is resting and that is what he needs to get better… I know when we updated facebook people were praying, people from the blogs and people we don’t even know were praying…people may say that medical intervention saved Anthony’s life but he is doing so well tonight, I know God healed and was there with my family in the time of need.. I tried my best to act the best that I could. It’s not every day you see a code blue
When we Got Anthony a couple months later God gave me a verse and it rings true today as it did when I heard the verse:
Finally when they admitted him and we got into our room, he was sleeping and he pretty much did so for the whole night but then we started to poop and poop..and begin to quiver his atomic like he wanted to projectile vomit..I just help him, caught his vomit and tried to stay calm as I saw my brother getting sicker and sicker...
at about three in the morning I got up to change probably diaper #23 (not even exaggerating) I saw that he has some blood in his stool, but it wasn't exactly stool it was mucus..I was concerned and called in the nurse she took some blood to see if he needed platelets but he didn't need any at the time...then he just tried to sleep in his crib and pull off diapers..all that to say by about 8:00 when shift changes we just done I began to get even more worried for Anthony...I just had the feeling he was not doing well and was talking to the nurse about what should be done I said he needed some kind of fluid, some zofran, and some other meds... he was laying in his bed all quivered up grunting... the nurse took his blood pressure and it was DANGEROUSLY low..we kind of freaked out a little..so the nurse went and ran into an attending and she came in to check on Anthony...
His blood pressure were still low and she tried to get a hold of the picu people to come and look at him but she couldn’t get a hold of them..I think in that moment she made a scary move but in the end it saved the life of my brother...
She pulled the code blue button, and all of a sudden people came flooding down the halls... running his room was filled up in a matter of seconds..I am not going to lie and say that I was okay..I didn't know what to do..but when she pulled it I thought " OH SHIT, and I need to get a hold of my parents"
I called my mom and she didn't pick up, so I called my home phone then my dad picked up...I was so shaken up that all I could say was "somebody needs to get here NOW, they code blued Anthony.... because he has low blood pressures" and I hung up... on my dad..because even though I couldn't be next to him I needed to be there without a phone...I had no words to say I was literally speechless.... finally the Social worker came in and I called my mom and he talked to her, then my dad called and I was still speechless... and the resident talked to him to let him know what was going on... I just stood there talking to the Social worker, what else was I to do? the nurses and doctors we talking loud, flushing in water syringe after water syringe..it was about 470ML of water...the resident was squeezing in water...putting oxygen on him..lets just say it was controlled chaos...but it was scary...I was shaking, crying..but I had nothing to do all I did was stand there wanting to grab my brother and hold him..but I had to let go and completely truth him in the hands of all the people taking care of him... and trust that God would protect him..it was hard...but I had to...the Chaplin showed up and came into the room and we talked a little... I felt at peace and when I saw her I felt at ease.. ony of the BMT fellows were telling me what was going on and she kept pulling me aside and keeping me updated... we finally got to the elevates and it was pretty packed but the BMT fellow pulled me into the elevator and said that I was the most important person there..I calmed him down and gave him a kiss... then we got to the floor and rushed back to the room and everyone was still flying around and once again the same lady pulled me inside of the room and made sure I was there... it was completely scary..and I don’t remember all the details I just remember standing there, speechless trying to talk but I couldn’t... finally things settled down...but they were going to put in a central line to be able to put in all the fluids and meds that he needs....
looking back on the whole thing I see how all these people came together and did their Job, but there were people who were also there to support the family..it was scary and I can’t say that enough..When we got to the room his blood pressures started to go up and since then he has been stable.....
I am in Awe at how God worked in this whole situation, I don’t know how to explain it or even the words.... but what I do know is that even though Anthony got so sick so fast...that God was ahead of the whole situation and placed people where they need to be in that whole controlled chaos…..
Tonight somehow my parents let me stay the night and didn’t kick me out of the house…but I am here with Anthony, watching and keeping a close eye on him..let me say he looks 100% better than he did this morning..he is a little out of it but he is resting and that is what he needs to get better… I know when we updated facebook people were praying, people from the blogs and people we don’t even know were praying…people may say that medical intervention saved Anthony’s life but he is doing so well tonight, I know God healed and was there with my family in the time of need.. I tried my best to act the best that I could. It’s not every day you see a code blue
When we Got Anthony a couple months later God gave me a verse and it rings true today as it did when I heard the verse:
God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;
he does great things beyond our understanding.
Job 37:5
he does great things beyond our understanding.
Job 37:5
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Perfect people
I love that song!! "Perfect People" and I can relate to it often... living in the urban city I have come across many different people of all cultures, Backgrounds, religions, profession.... I have been faced with sin, fallen short, and then I get back up..Often I wonder why I am still living in the city..I would love to leave the city and live in the country..live where there are people that look just like me..but then I realize that God has called us to be with the sick and hurting... he has called us to love on people no matter what they are going through..to be there and to share the Gospel....
Honestly today I am in a valley..I don't know where or what I will be doing next and I see no end in sight to the horrible nightmare...
But God has his promise..he reminds me that their are no such thing as a perfect people...we are to come to him just as we are..broken, shattered, drunk, high, depressed, hopeless, angry, addicted whatever we may be going through.....
Come to ME says the Father.... and I will give you rest...
I need to remind myself often that I need to come to him just as I am..I need to allow him to work in me and through me... it is not easy..but it is necessary... it is necessary to allow God to teach and be my comforter.. Today at church I had a sense of Comfort...Pastor asked us to close our eyes and imagine ourselves with God all safe and sound.... I pictured myself being held like a baby crying but still at peace...it is amazing to know that the God of the UNIVERSE cares enough to comfort and bring me peace... but most of to come to him Just as I am....broken
Honestly today I am in a valley..I don't know where or what I will be doing next and I see no end in sight to the horrible nightmare...
But God has his promise..he reminds me that their are no such thing as a perfect people...we are to come to him just as we are..broken, shattered, drunk, high, depressed, hopeless, angry, addicted whatever we may be going through.....
Come to ME says the Father.... and I will give you rest...
I need to remind myself often that I need to come to him just as I am..I need to allow him to work in me and through me... it is not easy..but it is necessary... it is necessary to allow God to teach and be my comforter.. Today at church I had a sense of Comfort...Pastor asked us to close our eyes and imagine ourselves with God all safe and sound.... I pictured myself being held like a baby crying but still at peace...it is amazing to know that the God of the UNIVERSE cares enough to comfort and bring me peace... but most of to come to him Just as I am....broken
Monday, August 24, 2009
Be still and Know...
Be still...
Lindsay, Rhonda, John, Debbie, various other people who are working on feisty's case
Be still
and know
that I
am God
Be still
and Know that I have a plan, even thought my plans are not always your plans... just know that I am God...
Be still
and know that even before the foundations of this earth where layed I knew what would happen to Mr, Feisty
Be Still
and have faith my Children I will not give you to much to handle.. call on me when you are weak...
Be still
for I have a plan...
Lindsay, Rhonda, John, Debbie, various other people who are working on feisty's case
Be still
and know
that I
am God
Be still
and Know that I have a plan, even thought my plans are not always your plans... just know that I am God...
Be still
and know that even before the foundations of this earth where layed I knew what would happen to Mr, Feisty
Be Still
and have faith my Children I will not give you to much to handle.. call on me when you are weak...
Be still
for I have a plan...
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Fire Proof
Honestly Fire proof was one of the best movies that I have EVER watched.. the power, message, and overall movie... I can see the power and purpose that God has for that movie.. my favorite part is the salvation scene where the main guy accepts Christ, every time I get CHILLS throughout my body.. it is incredible.. When I watched it, I was wondering why am I a single women watching this movie? why is it so important to watch this movie? it took me awhile to realize the power of watching and thinking about the concept of having a fireproof marriage, but also looking outside of the spectrum of marriage but how to fireproof your life, how to make a solid relationship in Christ.. one that cannot be shakin....
Today I attended a 20Th wedding renewal..and it was beautiful to see the couple and their love for each other.. so see their marriage fireproofed...strong, solid and loving the kind of kings..it was simply amazing!! to see the commitment between to couple... being married for 20 years today's is looked upon as impossible but it is not..it takes A LOT but it can happen...
even that I have not found my future Husband, If I have I just don't know it....but to be able to be committed to one person, to honor and to cherish that person in good times and in bad.. WOW... words are simple..but actions are not.. it takes a lot to remain fully committed..but God ordained marriage as commitment to not only Jesus that you will remain together for LIFE..but to God that as a couple look to the king of kings and lord of lords to lead and guide the married couple in their walk in life.. WOW... WOW..marriage is deep.. marriage is powerful..and to see people so in love after 20 years brought tears to my eyes...
I think of my parent who have been married for 21 year... and the walk that as a family we have gone through. it is not all glorious... there were many DEEP DEEP valleys.. times when who knows what was going to happen to their marriage.. but God can do miracles.. it is amazing that with each year my parents get older and they are married another year... how God continues to bless and provide for them.. to see that even though their were valleys, in the past they can still climb a mount an..and love each other just the same if not more.. as the day they were married...
marriage is powerful.. it can also be related in the walk we have with Jesus, the commitment, honor, Denying yourself before Christ, being willing to walk a life of faith, being persecuted because of your faith.. ETC.
After the ceremony I went up to one of the women and I said "I am so happy for them but it makes me sad to see them so in love and not have that someone..you know this is the 5th Wedding that I have known of in the past month..." she said something wise "I makes be sad but it makes me look forward to the times when I do get married to be able to honor and love that other person... in the same way that they do"... it is so true..
Waiting for that person is hard.. and it doesnt get any easier.. My roomate in college told me that when she turned 20 it got worst that wanting and feeling of kinding that special somebody.. and she was RIGHT.. so here I am waiting but serving God while I am waiting for that somebody.. waiting to get married.. waiting for the unknown..but I cant constantly wait.. I need to serve and please God with all that I have and all that I am.. I think that as I wait God will continue to guide me and lead me to the person I am supposed to be with, in good times and bad times..
According to my dad all I need to do is go to a christian book store and pinch someones Butt... and walalala... just kidding.. well it worked for my mom.. why not me?? haha...
Apologize
Its to late to Apologize, this song has been stuck in my head all week.. listening to to probably 50 times in the past 2 days.. not even kidding.. I kept pressing replay, as I was studying for finals..
it is a deep song.. I think why is hits suck a chord with me is that in so many ways, this year has been a year of loss and letting go of people in my life... so much drama and words that were spoken that in the end caused a friendship to end... the chords were cut.. the deed has been done.. no matter what is said or done.. I feel like at this point that it is to late to apologise.. we are all hurt in the situation.. I wont go into details much.. but I found out more information of what happened when the whole situation happened 5 months ago... and it hurts it stings...it has caused me to not talk to and loose friends over a situation that got way to out of hand.. sometimes it feels like it is to late to apologise... I feel like I have said sorry for my part and I did... but the other person hasn't.. it feels like it is always "My fault" in the situation that occurred.. I know that it is not only my fault.. at this point I feel so hurt that no matter if that person did apologise I couldn't forget them.... its to late...
but then I remember that no matter what I do as a person, when I kneel before the king of kings he forgives my sins..
in fact, Matthew chapter 6:14-15 states
"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Matt 6:14-15 (ESV)
but in order for Jesus to forgive me of my sins I must forgive the sins of my trespasser.. and you know how hard that is sometimes, to deny my human flesh... and forgive someone knowing that for some reason they don't forgive me.. but then I remember I do not need to worry about my enemy in fact I should pray for those who persecute me..
In Matthew chapter 5:44-48
But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matt 5:44-48 (ESV)
This verse reminds me that I need to pray for those who persecute me, but what is even more powerful is when Jesus asked, If you love those who love you, what reward do you have? but do we gain from loving the people that are so easy to love and get along.. I thing of so many times where I as a human would rather love on the people that honestly I love the most... but what is hard is when those people become the people who persecute you... in Hebrews the writer writes about how this life is not going to be easy.. we are going to go through trials and tribulations.. we as Christians as we stand up for our faith... and beliefs will be persecuted..even by believers... but as a growing Christian I must and know that I need to forgive those people that have hurt me so deeply.. and I pray that I can and will..because in order for God to forgive me, I must forgive those who I need to still forgive..
This post is really random..but I have been thinking A LOT... I will have more post throughout the week and most likely the next month.because I will have a lot more free time to post.. ..
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)
it is a deep song.. I think why is hits suck a chord with me is that in so many ways, this year has been a year of loss and letting go of people in my life... so much drama and words that were spoken that in the end caused a friendship to end... the chords were cut.. the deed has been done.. no matter what is said or done.. I feel like at this point that it is to late to apologise.. we are all hurt in the situation.. I wont go into details much.. but I found out more information of what happened when the whole situation happened 5 months ago... and it hurts it stings...it has caused me to not talk to and loose friends over a situation that got way to out of hand.. sometimes it feels like it is to late to apologise... I feel like I have said sorry for my part and I did... but the other person hasn't.. it feels like it is always "My fault" in the situation that occurred.. I know that it is not only my fault.. at this point I feel so hurt that no matter if that person did apologise I couldn't forget them.... its to late...
but then I remember that no matter what I do as a person, when I kneel before the king of kings he forgives my sins..
in fact, Matthew chapter 6:14-15 states
"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Matt 6:14-15 (ESV)
but in order for Jesus to forgive me of my sins I must forgive the sins of my trespasser.. and you know how hard that is sometimes, to deny my human flesh... and forgive someone knowing that for some reason they don't forgive me.. but then I remember I do not need to worry about my enemy in fact I should pray for those who persecute me..
In Matthew chapter 5:44-48
But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matt 5:44-48 (ESV)
This verse reminds me that I need to pray for those who persecute me, but what is even more powerful is when Jesus asked, If you love those who love you, what reward do you have? but do we gain from loving the people that are so easy to love and get along.. I thing of so many times where I as a human would rather love on the people that honestly I love the most... but what is hard is when those people become the people who persecute you... in Hebrews the writer writes about how this life is not going to be easy.. we are going to go through trials and tribulations.. we as Christians as we stand up for our faith... and beliefs will be persecuted..even by believers... but as a growing Christian I must and know that I need to forgive those people that have hurt me so deeply.. and I pray that I can and will..because in order for God to forgive me, I must forgive those who I need to still forgive..
This post is really random..but I have been thinking A LOT... I will have more post throughout the week and most likely the next month.because I will have a lot more free time to post.. ..
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)
Tonight I sing a new song, it is not to late to apologize and to forgive..
Monday, August 17, 2009
I HATE THIS
I just want Anthony to be better...
I Am sick and tired of being sick and tired..
I just want my brother to come home..
50 days in the hospital is a bit to long..
hopefully the Doctors can figure out what is wrong and ultimately the king of Kings can continue to heal his body.
Pray for me as this week is stressful.. I have finals.. and it is hard to stay focused when everything around me is falling apart. also for my parents that God can continue to give them strength and courage... as they make decisions as to what is best for their son..
I Am sick and tired of being sick and tired..
I just want my brother to come home..
50 days in the hospital is a bit to long..
hopefully the Doctors can figure out what is wrong and ultimately the king of Kings can continue to heal his body.
Pray for me as this week is stressful.. I have finals.. and it is hard to stay focused when everything around me is falling apart. also for my parents that God can continue to give them strength and courage... as they make decisions as to what is best for their son..
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