Thank you!

Senior Year/ thoughts on Anthony/ ramblings

I am well into my senior year at UW! The past two months have been absolutely crazy! With Anthony Passing away, Puerto Rico, Late night Outreach, starting school the day after Anthony passed on, babysitting/house sitting/ dog sitting, reading, student internship with a new organization that is going to turn into a long term commitment cause I am in love with the organization.....

life has been a whirlwind...

It has been unpredictable, it has been just plain hard...

But I know that God is here in the midst of everything that has happened.. how can someone say that when their brother just passed away?? Well God was there in the hospital sending his angels down to Anthony and they where there in the hospital room and I believe those are the same angels that where with him when he went home to be with Jesus... I know where Anthony is! I know he is in heaven sitting on the Lap of Jesus and to be honest he is in no more pain..although I miss him ALOT! there isn't a day that I do not think about him. The memory's and amazing times that we had with Anthony can never go away they cant be snatched from me.... When Anthony was here on Earth I believed that I was a part of God's plan that he had amazing plans for the sweet baby...many times I felt like I was a part of something that was bigger than myself..and although Anthony is not here the legacy of Anthony will live on and I will continue to be a part of something that is bigger than I can ever imagine or fathom. In so many ways I will continue to be healed for a long time with the death of sweet Anthony.... it was a traumatic experienced...my greatest fears that I had came true..I feared his death but in so many ways his death was not fearful but rather peaceful from the moment we took him off of life support until six days later when he went up to heaven to be with Jesus...

Moments before Anthony passed away I anointed him with Oil, which is something that I did each day after we took him off the respirator... I told him that we loved him ALOT! and that it was okay to be with Jesus, it would be hard without him but we would make it.. I told him that he is to watch over mommy, daddy, Charlie, Christopher, Grandma and me... I kissed him, hugged and rubbed his hair... I called my dad over and we sat with him my mom slept with him holding his hand... the moment Anthony passed my mom woke up.... and my dad began to give thanks to God in Prayer for Anthony's life for allowing us to be his family... we cried, hugged, and the moments after are a blurr and honestly I don't feel like talking about...

I do not regret being Anthony's sister.... I do not regret anything... One nurse B told us that our family reminded her of the Kingdom of God and what God does for us, he takes us just as we are and loves us where we are at no matter what our worldly desires may be... and that is exactly what we did for Anthony and will continue to do for baby's who need love and care, who by the worlds standards are not in "Perfect" health. everyone needs a home, love and a family. I know Anthony would not want to be the last baby we take care of and he will not be.

Life has twist and turns. It is full of bumps, mountains, and valleys.. Life is full of the unknown. Although I miss Anthony I know he is okay and is being well taken care of.

Senior Year started off rough and I honestly don't know how I have made it this quarter so far, but I am doing the best I have ever done in College. I am now in the process of finding and applying to Graduate school! I know time flys..ha...It is a scary world out there but I know God will continue to guide and protect me. I know where I want to go to school for graduate school which happens to be the same school I wanted to go to for undergrad but ended up at University of Washington! needless to say I am almost done and I am looking ahead to my future, seeing what it is out there and praying that God will guide me in this time of not know what is next...


I wrote in a blog that God was still in the business of miracle making when this past June Anthony survived against all odds and made it.. I still believe he is in the business of miracles because Anthony himself was a miracle from the beginning. Anthony's legacy will not be forgotten..many people have been touched by him and continue to be touched by Anthony... In many ways Anthony's life is a part of mine because I promised him that I would tell many people about his with a rare disease. I promised him that I would make something of myself so that his story could be told... I don't know what that looks like but I know many people still need to hear about Anthony's Story. he was an AMAZING boy and God had amazing plans for him from the beginning and although he is not here with us on earth I believe God can still use Anthony as a tool to bring people to him.

redefining marriage?

(This is a vague post, No discrete details It is more for processing and names are changed to protect their privacy..)

For the past few months I have gotten to know this family that live nearby my house.... they are an amazing family! they are involved with works of social justice, Adopted 3 boys, and had one of their own... This family have become a near and dear to me. I have spent countless hours folding laundry, changing diapers, washing dishes, loving on their boys, they have supported my family in our greatest need when Anthony was sick. In so many ways I look up to them , because they are AMAZING and I love em'!!

I know in the Bible that it says the Marriage is meant for one Man and one Women. I know what God created marriage for. In fact I believe with my whole heart that marriage is meant to be for one man and one women. Marriage is a sacred covenant between God and his people. I GET IT!! I KNOW!!!

but yet I am sitting here perplexed... In awe.... shocked to be quite honest... whats even more shocking is when I had a conversation with their oldest son tonight and he asked me if I was Gay and liked Gay people. I told him I knew some people who where gay and that I did like them but that I was not Gay myself. honestly I had no words to say. Then he went on to state that his daddy and mommy are gay... I paused and didn't ask any more questions until a few moments later "Peter, what do you mean your mom and dad are gay?" I asked him... "Well my dad was born a girl then he wanted to be a boy so he changed himself into boy" I was like "Oh okay" I had no words to say... In fact there where signs all along that got me thinking but in every way Gary was a man he acts, dresses, talks, and looks like a man... yes I did wonder a few times but I brushed it off thinking NO WAY....

This couple is AMAZING! I am here between a wall and hard rock.. I see the Kids, the Family, and the love that they have to offer... I see these children who had no hope before but because they have a family to love them they are given a second chance in life... what Gary and Julia have done in the community is amazing! no I get it...yes it is a sin yes it is against Gods will..but here is where I am struggling...how do I respond to this situation? I believe I have no say into what they do with their personal life, I have no reason to say well Gary and Julia, your going to hell because you are gay... NO not me... in fact I believe what I have been doing the last 6 months is going to be the same thing I do for the months ahead.... I am going to love this family and not be judgemental and tell them what they are doing is sinful... In fact they know I am a christian and they still let me come into their house and to be honest that's a privilege because so many other Christians are yelling at the gay and Lesbian community turning their eyes away from Jesus... My hope is to Show them Jesus through my actions, my love and how I interact with their family despite that fact that I know Gary's sex change and I know that Julia and Gary are lesbians.

I will carry you

Life goes on... it has been a hard month...We miss our sweet Angel boy but we know he is no longer in pain, Anthony is in the best place ever! he is with Jesus and with that I am fine..I just miss him a lot, I often think of the many adventures and fun times that we had with Anthony. Although we spent the past two years in and out of the hospital it is a journey and a choice that I would never take back... Anthony Wesley changed my life, he showed me how to love and to preserver... Anthony showed me how to be a better person. although I cannot hold his earthly body again I know he is an angel watching over us.. he is in no more pain... and although it sucks while I am on earth there will be a day where I will enter heavens gate to see him standing there yelling "SISSY"...

Although he is Gone from earth he is not forgotten... I miss you sweet baby... and I am so glad that I took off this summer to spend three months with him!! it is a decision that I know God had planned out because if I didn't get to spend time with him like I did this summer I would have guilt...and I don't because I was able to take a full summer off and focus on loving sweet Anthony...

Although I am not Anthony's mom this song has always touched me even before he passed away but now that I listened to it last night I started to cry because it is exactly how I feel.....

^^Anthony^^

Sometimes in life we have all the words and right ways of being able to explain what has just happened but to be honest I don't... this past months has been a blur and to be honest my worst nightmare has come true...

For two long Years Anthony fought for his life time and time again he beat the odd... for more information about what happened go to:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/anthonycox1


On September 29 2010 Anthony earned his Angel wings he is missed and loved dearly.. a piece of me will always be missing I will never be the same but he was an amazing baby.. and I know if we could do it all over again we would.

We love you sweet Anthony!
^^Fly high sweet baby^^^^

My bags are packed...

and I am almost ready to go...

I leave for a much needed vacation to Puerto Rico for a week tonight!
I am excited and can't wait to lay on the beach!! and do nothing!

Love (

I wrote this blog in the summer but never posted it...





Sometimes it takes other people around you to tell you that you need to take a break and relax. To be honest I am TIRED and I am ready for a break. I had a big realization tonight when I was a meeting for the Late night ministry's and we were looking at pictures and discussing racial reconciliation. we were discussing how hard it is to live a life that is "different" and defies all the expectations that are placed on us by our familys and friends. We are expect d to live up to the American dream where all we care about is money, a nice house, big fancy car, the rich husband who makes all the money, white picket fences with 2.5 children and a dog.

we were discussing the fact that we don't want that but yet we have so much pressure to be a part of that lifestlye. I came to this conclusion, my family and friends dont understand why we would choose to adopt a child with medical needs a child who from the first time we met him, we knew that he was sick. They don't understand how we could or want to choose that lifestyle but what they dont see is the fact that we didn't choose it... God choose it for us. It was the call that Jesus placed on my parents to take in high risk children that needed a forever family so they did not have to go from home to home if anything it is the love that we have to offer these children that have been so healing with the different children that he have had in our care.

Your love

Yesterday as I was driving Brandon Heath was in the local christion station and he played a song called "Your love" and let me tell you it is an AMAZING song! You can visit his website by clicking: here

What strikes me is that everything that I have gone through my life, it all boils down to the fact that all we need is God's love, and that should be enough

God's love is the only thing that matters!

In one week I am going here:

Next Friday at 11pm, I am headed to this place:





I am excited to go to this place to get some much needed rest and renewal time... This trip came unexpectedly and for some reason I decided that I did want to go to this wonderful place!!!


oh I cannot wait to lay on the beach and have no agenda!! :)

Introducing for the first time!!

I am proud to introduce for the first time...




Christopher Jordan James
In our home April 17, 2008
Adopted August 20, 2010

we love you sweet boy!!
Today will forever be your special day because we never thought that it would happen little did we know that God had other plans and a complete miracle happend!! we are forever blessed to have you as a member of our family!!

I love you!

Big sister Lindsay!

The miracle of Mr, Feisty!

Dear Mr, Feisty-

Tonight I find myself overjoyed with the fact that today you will become my forever brother! Although from the moment I saw you asleep in the social workers car I looked at mommy and mouthed "He is Beautiful" and you where and still are.. Although it is not my job to tell your story and of the pain you came from, I cannot deny the hurt and sadness that I feel for your birth parents, my Joy is causing someone else pain, I pray for your birth mom as I hurt for her but I know God has her heart and I pray that she will find new life in Jesus Christ. The little helpless boy I saw in the car is not the boy I know today.

In the past two years Mr, Feisty you have had your way of fitting right into our family you where a natural of just coming into our home and stealing our hearts I mean how could we help but fall in love with your sweetness? I remember the first few days we had with you, they where rough but yet without even talking to you we knew that in those first two years of your life you lived a nightmare that no child should have to live it took time to earn your trust and love but when we did there was no denying the fact that I was completely head over heels in love with you!!

Mr Feisty you bring so much joy and excitement into our lives! without you our family is not complete and today at 1:30pm it will become official that you will be in our family forever. I want you to know that as your sister I will promise to be there for you and I am willing to fly across the country with you so that you can maintain contact with D and S, your two older sisters. In fact I look forward to the years of being able to go with you to the Midwest because just as you have stolen my heart so has S. :)....in fact your S and D will always be your family no matter what, the life and blood bond you have with them cant be torn up and I pray that one day you will understand why we wanted to keep you here with us in Seattle and they are in the Midwest. we fought a hard and long fight to be able to come to your adoption day!!

You Amaze me Mr, Feisty! and I cannot believe that the day has finally come that we have waited for...

I love you!
Your forever sister,
Lindsay

LNO

one of my passions in life is to work with women who are involved in Prostitution. Girls who are marginalized and looked down upon in society. when I am out on the streets standing on the same as New Horizons has for the past 10 years. It is the corner that I see more pain and hurt than I have ever seen but it is the place that God has called me to be. To be able to enter into the pain and suffering of these girls is not easy they do not see themselves as victims instead, some girls want to get out of this lifestyle while other are trying to chase that fast road and achieve the ultimate dream of living the high life. Some of the girls themselves strive to become pimps themselves. some of the girls come to our corner when they are being chased by another pimp or Johns that are on the streets. Some girls come to get supplies to protect themselves from getting sexual transmitted disease or to become pregnant. whatever the reason is, the girls are still out there on the streets trying to live after a dream that will not come true, the high life is a lie. The manipulation and abuse that these women experience in unbelievable.

This is a part of my life where I am most passionate and feel closest to G-d by being able to enter into their lives for the moments that they are with us on the corner is a moment where we have the chance to offer the hope and salvation of Jesus, we are not forcing him on anyone by condemning their lifestyle but rather it is by our love and actions that they see who Jesus is and desire change for their own lives. Many girls don't want to be in this lifestyle but they know no other way it is not easier to integrate back into a society that has condemned you and when a girl wants to get a job it is hard because of their criminal records or any line of work they may get includes either a bar, casino or strip club.

These girls are girls from all different backgrounds it is surprising there is no typical stereotype in fact the college girls that are going to clubs often look more slutty than the girls who are involved in prostitution. These girls are our daughters, nieces and granddaughters. Some of the girls go to church on a regular basis, some girls are moms, some girls are going to school to attain a college education. There is no specific profile that can fit all of the girls their stories and backgrounds are. The girls that are most vulnerable are young girls some girls aged 12 are deceived into the lifestyle. Girls from all different backgrounds rich, poor, black, white, Asian young and old are involved. The fact is that parents need to be more informed about the issue of domestic sex trafficking, the reality is that any girl has the potential to get involved in the lifestyle, if they do not know what to signs to look out for. when I a older man is telling them that they love you so much and will give you anything, the girl will possibly fall in love and become emotional and physically dependant on this man and when he ask her to get involved in the lifestyle, she is most likely to say yes or the man will use other forms of manipulation and abuse to persuade her to be involved in the lifestyle.

The reality that I see Friday nights is different from what I live every other day of my life but it is the place where I see and experience a love for these girls that can only come from G-d. It is the place that I with I did not exist but it does and as long as it does I will be involved with working and loving on these girls in the way of Jesus Christ.

Adoption #3

Mr, Feisty's Adoption date is next Friday! he is an amazing four year old and I cannot wait to officially introduce Mr, Feisty although he has been in our care it is amazing to know that he is going to stay here forever!! he fits into our family so well.. it is hard not to fall in love with him

I am so excited and I cant help but have a tear in my eye as I think of the journey that he has been on. I remember the small fragile 2 year old and today Feisty is a strong and yes still small but simply AMAZING boy! most of all I am glad that I will be his forever sister!

I love you Mr, Feisty!!

oh and in the midst of preparing for his adoption Anthony made it home yesterday!! after 140 days!

Lindsay

dang it..

As sweet Anthony loves to say when things don't go his was...... Dang it...

We are not coming home today due to the household being hit with a case of the 24 hour flu....... I had it Saturday morning to Sunday morning... and today charle, my mom and Mr, feisty have it..

We are hoping to bring Anthony home next Monday after the house is clean and sanitized with bleach from the floor to the roof.

DANG IT

The last 6 weeks...

Wow!! what a past month and a half it has been! I started this summer off taking 12 credits at my college everything was going great! I was going to accomplish my summer goal of completing my greatest fear.... Statistics... everything started out fantastic!!! In fact I loved that class, my other class was also amazing and I loved it to be honest my schedule for summer quarter could not been any better... it is when everything is going great and you don't listen to that small still voice telling you not to take summer classes, but I did it anyways



About a week after I started summer classes I came home from school and sat on the couch, within five minutes my father called on the phone stating that my mom and I needed to arrive at the hospital because we needed to make some decisions about Anthony's... let me tell you we stormed out the door crying and driving to the hospital..it felt like 20 hours to drive 9 miles to Seattle Children's hospital. My dad sounded scared but would not tell us what was happening...






By this point Anthony had been in the Intensive care unit for a month due to the puffing up in his face from the blood clots in his chest, so much that we almost lost Anthony if had not been in-tubated when he had then within 30 minutes he would of passed, test and ultrasounds showed that Anthony's blood veins where clotted off but they had some medicines that the doctors could try but they where not without risk... the first medicine is known as TPA, which it it like roto rooter for your blood vessels cleaning and breaking down the clots. The tpa worked in his legs and some with helping to allow a small amount of blood flow to go through the blood clots. Anthony had just got off of his second round of TPA and we where under the impression that morning that if the TPA didn't work then we where faced with having to sign off on the surgery that Anthony would have a 50/50 chance of making but most likely he would pass on the table, we knew this before showing up to the hospital but the reality of how sick he was would sink in.



when we arrived at the hospital my father pulled out a picture that showed Anthony's veins and the blood clots where still completely blocked the flow of blood and the collateral veins that where forming but then closing off..what we were looking at was a picture showing us that Anthony would not be able to sustain or live life without a miracle..that night was a hard and sad night... our pastors, friend Becky, and aunt and Uncle came to visit Anthony.. we prayed over his body laying our hands on him asking God for our miracle... Then the Doctor came and my parents have known her since we first got Anthony placed into our care with a Tear in her eye she said that she did not think that Anthony would make it, that she had been wrong before but she was pretty sure he was going to pass on... we cried and cried and prayed...The Amazing thing about God is that in that room I felt a peace and presence of God that I have never felt before, he was there in that room holding my family up as we wept and cried over sweet Anthony, who was fighting and not wanting to stay sedated, in fact he woke up saying mama and Elmo. My mom wanted to leave the ICU unit and visit the Cancer care unit to see if the nurses that have taken care of Anthony where there, there are a few nurse that have taken care of him since day one of him being diagnosed with HLH, it is also rare that all of them are working on the same shift but when we walked in within minutes all those nurses that we have grown to love where surrounding us and hugging us the tears that they let fall down their face where healing and touching to us. The tears that the Doctors and hospital staff cried showed us that Anthony was more than a patient to them but rather the wanted the same as we did, For Anthony to be able to live a life! to be able to walk out of the hospital and go home... In the past two year after all the times Anthony had been sick and the amazing strength that he has shown, these blood clots where going to take him? it was unfair....





The team set up another care meeting for 3pm the following day. My mom and I came home and tried to rest but we where at the hospital early that morning with Starbucks coffee in hand. It was on that Tuesday that I realized there was no way I could continue with summer quarter and prayed and prayed about what I should do and without a doubt in my mind did I end up dropping summer quarter, I had a letter from the Anthony's Social worker and Doctor. One of the girls on the Cancer floor named Louisa whom my mom and Anthony have gotten to know on the floor and loves all the little baby's. my mom wanted Louisa to be able to say goodbye to Anthony so we snuck her in the back to say goodbye, when I saw her cry and weep over my brother I saw a bond and love between them that still makes me cry, I will never forget sweet Louisa in that moment that was so tender, as she said goodbye I stayed with Anthony and just held his hand, crying out to God "WHY"... all I could do was look at his frail body and ask "WHY?" he has overcome transplant and was doing to sooooo well with all his transplant...it is and was soo unfair.... during rounds that day my parents made it clear to the doctors that they where not wanting to give up on Anthony and did not want them to either... we wanted to give Anthony any fighting chance..the tears of my father touched everyone there.. the Tears of my dad who for so long held up my mom as she cried touched me... the Tears of my dad where a fortress and showed everyone there we where not wanting to give up.






The day went on in a fog, we asked for Anthony's Favorite nurse to be at the care givers meeting and she was given a no pay...The love that Amy has for Anthony is beyond words and the love we have for her is beyond word... In so many ways she has become more that a nurse she has become a part of our family, a rock and a strong voice in advocating for Anthony's health. Another person that we requested was Dr, Anne who has also become a strong voice and has known Anthony since day one.. the commitment that she has to Anthony shows, she came in on her day off. As the care givers meeting came about we had no idea what was going to be said. when we first arrived there was a tension and heart ache that surrounded the table we all went around and stated who we where and all the different Doctors that stated that they could not do the surgery without him most likely passing on.







Then our hope came Dr, Mathews the top Hematologist at Children's said that she had been in contact with a colleague in Denver Colorado and together they created a care plan, the plan would be to give Anthony a drug called Fondaparinux that would be given by a shot every day and every other day he would be given some aspirin to thin his blood. The hopes in this treatment is to allow his collateral blood veins to form and mature without closing off. although little is known about this treatment Dr, Mathews colleague suggested this because of her work with other children who had clotting issue and it had worked. This treatment is not without risk.


On Anthony's Caring bridge I posted a post about the day and I ended it with this:

"God is still in the business of making miracles and although his road is long from over the hope we have for Anthony is enough to keep fighting."



In six weeks Anthony has made leaps and bound in his progress! he left the ICU within days of being extubated, he was talking, laughing and blowing kisses.. the strength and courage that Anthony has is amazing! To be able to hold him and know that we are on our last chance but yet so far we believe that the medicines it working... and the best news is.....


After 138 days in the hospital Anthony is coming home tomorrow!!



It is true, God is still in the business of miracle making



He is still here to prove it.

Beauty in the storm

A few months ago, I was really struggling with life to be honest who wants to see their two year old brother suffer?? I was in the middle of mid-terms and life was really stressful. This day was a Saturday afternoon in May and I sat down and opened the book "Captivating" (Which is amazing!) and read one of the last chapters that talks about how God shows us his love through his creation. As I sat reading this book I began to pray that God could begin to show me his beauty as I would go throughout my afternoon. to say the least God blessed me on this Saturday!!

When I was on my way home from the prayer meeting I got out of the car and saw the view of the city, I was awe stuck by Gods goodness... it was a small reminder that God is so much bigger than our problems and struggles. so much has happened and changed in the last three weeks.. I will give an update tomorrow!

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."- Ephesians 5:1-2

Lindsay

Love Letter From God

I don't even know what to say..my head is spinning and spinning..I am going on purely adrenaline right now...Anthony is not doing well by any means...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/anthonycox1/journal

that is probably the best way to keep up with whats going on with sweet Anthony..
It is a hard time right now and I know God will and is being glorified through Anthony's life I still pray and hope for that miracle to happen...

Dear Anthony,

I cannot believe it Anthony!! It has been two years since you have changed not only my life but mommy and daddy's too!! It still amazes me how strong you are! although you have been in the hospital for three months now, I know you are fighting and wanting to get out. I pray for you often Anthony although I am not able to always come up because of school and helping with Charlie and Mr, Feisty, there is not a moment that I am not thinking and praying for you! you are constantly on my mind. Anthony I pray that you continue to be strong. and get the rest you need. I Pray that the Doctors will find out what is going on with your little body and that Jesus can continue to heal your body. Baby brother you have come to far to not fight for your life. I think of the little four month old we saw two years ago and to see the sweet two year old and I know that God has performed a miracle! A miracle that is beyond our understanding.
Keep fighting sweet baby! Little Anthony you need to stop bashing and banging your head, it is not okay (Elmo would not be happy with you). I pray as you have surgery in the morning that we could receive good news and find out what is happening with your blood flow.. Anthony I cannot imagine life without you and I don't want to..May Jesus heal and protect your little body..

I love you sweet boy

<3
Sissy

"She's in the van"

two years ago our sweet "N" left my parents care, I still pray and wonder how she is doing!! It was nearly two weeks ago I was down in the laundry room and I looked up and saw her baby blanket..I was thinking to myself " I wonder how that sweet baby is doing?" and prayed for her...

well Today I was sitting on the couch checking my facebook and I saw a van pull up and a older man came to my front door speaking in broken English and he said her name and I looked out and saw sweet "N" standing in the passenger seat of the van and so I went outside, crying by this time because I realized what was going on..... After two years I was finally holding one of the sweetest girls..I told her that I loved her even though she did not remember me... and kissed her sweet hand...oh and the amazing thing is after she finally warmed up I started to play and tickle her. Her laugh and smile is just the same... She is one happy girl!!

It is hard to explain but once you have a foster placement in your home and they are there for a long term, the attaching and bonding happens. no matter how many children we have in our home. my family has chosen to love the child just as if they were our own children... well that leads us to fall in love with these children and when they leave they take a piece of our hearts with them that can never be returned. The love I had for N is still there two years later, I cannot help but remember, the four month old baby girl who came to our home to die and to three years later see her full of life, I cant help but cry tears of joy for this sweet girl..Her grandparents are the sweetest! I love how they speak Spanish to me, good thing I took Spanish in high school and collage!! it has paid off that's for sure... ha