Girls night out!

yesterday our family friend Becky was going stir crazy sitting at home for the past week without leaving....so tonight my mom decided that she wanted to take her out to the Cheesecake factory! It was fun doing something that is not what we do everyday, day in and day out! My life has such a routine that I never do much besides go to school, nanny, homework, Starbucks to study, church, and Late night outreach/meetings. I know it was fun for all three of us!


My moms white chocolate raspberry cheesecake!


Oh man, this was the best cheesecake! it was red velvet cheesecake! I love red velvet cake and this was not what I wanted but they ran out.. :( of the the peanut butter chocolate cheesecake to I ordered this cheesecake and let me tell you it was worth every bite and stomach ache that happened, as a result of eating this cheesecake! :P



Last but not least, Becky's banana and chocolate fudge cheesecake that she got for free because she found a piece of paper in it and talked to management.





It was a good night to get away and to enjoy a little cheesecake!

Happy Birthday Chris!

Mr Chris,

You never cease to amaze me with you love and passion for life! you are a miracle and blessing to our family! thank you for loving us and for allowing us to be your family... I am so proud of you and I cannot wait to see how God is going to use your gentle and sweet spirit.... You are wise beyond your five years and your insight to life refreshes me everyday...even in the darkest of times, you are still a light to those who are surrounded by you and you constantly remind us, that Jesus is in control... You have been through so much in your young life and I am honored to call you my forever brother and to be a part of Gods redemption plan for your life..

Happy 5th Birthday sweet boy!

Love Always,
Lindsay

Moving on...

SO many people keep telling us that we need to just move on and not talk about Anthony... People keep saying that we need to just look to the future and forget about the last 2 1/2 years that we spent with this sweet baby.... It's hard to move on, its hard to not think about Anthony, its hard to act as if I am doing okay when I am broken and falling apart because to be honest, I miss this baby more than anything and I will not stop talking about Anthony because he was a big part of my life and it is healing to be able to talk about my brother... Life may move on but he will never be forgotten...

It takes time to heal and everyone grieves differently...

:(

what to do? I feel like constantly my life is full of conflict. I feel like with every decision I have had to sacrifice and face walls of many kinds. I Feel like often I have to choose one path and stick to it, I can't do everything I love and want to do.... Some difficult decisions need to made but I am not going to move on without a fight.

Sometimes speaking out about what you believe and see is a hard place to be, when you don't agree with the leadership you are under there comes a time when you need to speak up and bring to light the truth, although they may not see it, at least it is being brought to light... I am tied of have to constantly sacrifice, what I love to do and the passion that God has given me, in order to just be able to serve the people you want to serve.....

Thats right..I am possibly going to leave LNO and move on... This is a REALLY hard decision and much prayer is going to be made because right not nothing is going to change...so most likely I am going to try and meet with the executive director of the organization and possibly write a letter to the board of directors, so they know whats going on and can see why there is a high turn overate with volunteers... Someone had told me that they have prayed boldness over me, all of a sudden boldness has overtaken my soul and my passion for serving the girls has been reignited, it is not the only ministry that serves the girls, there are many other and I believe that with time God will show me the place that I need to go to....

Today I read my E-mail and this was the bible verse I read:


"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
-Genesis 50:20 NIV

This verse has been with me all day as I have faced mountains and had dreams shot down, but then I know God has a plan for all of this.

what can I say...I was bored?

I was at my nanny job and I discovered you can make youtube videos from my phone.....and to top it off this is me EXTREMELY TIRED!! haha



And I didn't have to go I thought they were home but it their lovely son was upstairs jumping on his bed....so I went upstairs to check on him and he was "Asleep"....

One of the last times that I was holding Anthony before he passed this song was playing on my Pandora and I just started crying and singing this song to Anthony... To me he was the sweetest thing on this side of heaven... It is a moment I will never forget, I miss this sweet boy and no matter what I can not hold him again and it hurts.... It seems as time moves forward, Anthony becomes a part of my past and I forget what life was like with him. I miss this sweet boy so much. Listening to this song brings back so many memories and a time in my family's life when we were preparing to say goodbye to sweet Anthony...



I miss you Sweet Anthony...

Guess what??

I officially applied for Graduation at the University!!
It has been a long four years and somehow I still managed to get a degree!

I cannot wait to walk across the stage and receive my Diploma from the University of Washington!

I know sweet Anthony will be looking down on me that day!

The Story of Jonah, by the cutest girl!

What a year...

This year has been full of ups and down.... It started off with a car crash in January after coming home from LNO, Chris's sister staying with us before she went to the mid-west to live with her sister and aunt and uncle, My dad helped to Launch Friendz Caf's and prison ministry, Anthony go into the hospital, charlie finish kindergarten, Chris finish pre-school, Anthony in ICU for a month, Anthony miraculously recovered from his ICU stay, I dropped summer quarter to be with Anthony, Puerto Rico, Grandma moved in, Anthony come home after his 140 day stay at children's,Chris is finally adopted!, Charlie and Chris start school Spending 9 days with Anthony as we had to say goodbye to our boy who became our angel boy, Start school the day after Anthony passed, apply to grad school, kids go to school, remember our boy with a memorial service, Make-a-wish, Thanksgiving was hard, get into grad school, Christmas and now today......

In a nutshell that has been 2010....

What a year...it is a year I will never forget, a year that I so long to hold on to because Anthony was here with us but at the same time I want to move on because I know good things are to come... I serve a God who has a plan and knows what he is doing.... and I am thankful for that..honestly if I didn't have faith in God I do not know how I would be able to make it..it is my faith and wanting to make a difference in this world that has kept me going... I miss Anthony and I know he is safe in the Arms of Jesus, I know it is okay to move forward and to be excited for the things to come in 2011....

My prayer is that God can begin to heal the wounds and to bring happens and joy into our home.... Anthony was such a major part of our family that it is empty without him... I miss his laughter, joy, screaming and crying.. I pray that once again I can see my mom not hurt and be happy with life.... I pray that God can continue to use my family to touch the lives of children who are in need of love and a family... I hope that as I continue with my education beyond an Undergraduate degree that God can provide the finances and for me to have peace that he is not going to give me more than I can handle....

2011, I pray will be a year to remember, a year of healing and of new beginnings... One verse that has been with me since we had Anthony is Job 37:5

God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;
he does great things beyond our understanding.
Job 37:5

My prayer is that God will continue to do great things beyond our understanding!

:P

Yes life keeps moving on...

Tonight my best friend of many years called me to tell me that she got engaged! It was not unexpected, they went on a trip to Disneyland for Christmas...we have been on the phone all week as she has been there waited for him to ask her...

Well he did tonight!! they are an amazing couple and I am excited that they are getting married!!! not to mention the fact that I am the Maid of Honor!!!

I can't wait until their special day! you know how you find that one friend that you just click and stick together no matter what...through thick and thin?? well that is us...I am so excited for her!!! WOOT WOOT!!!

Life keeps going on....

Its weird that three months ago we were sitting with Anthony waiting for him to go into the arms of Jesus... It is hard to think that just three short months ago, we were laying right next to Anthony loving on him and telling him that it was okay to go and be with Jesus.... In many ways I wish that I could rewind time and just touch Anthony just one more time... This situation sucks, I miss my brother but the reality is that no matter how much I would like to rewind time and go back to holding sweet Anthony, time just keeps moving forward.... and it is hard

2010 was a hard year but at the same time God was still there for us and many miracles and life changing moments happened in 2010... I am in the middle of wanting to move forward with time and move into the 2011 because honestly I see nothing but good things coming, Graduating from UW and starting Graduate school...lots of new adventures and memories to be made...but at the same time I wish that I could pause time, because in 2010 Anthony was alive, he was breathing...In 2010 I got to spend, three amazing months with Anthony during the summer that I will never forget and will be precious to me.... In 2010 my family had to say goodbye to someone that has forever changed our lives. it is in 2010 that Anthony was here with us... never again will I be in the same year that Antony was alive and with us.... it is weird to me to want to stay in 2010 and the closer we get to 2011, the harder the week gets, it is one of the weirdest things but who said life wasn't weird? I miss you you Sweet Anthony.... and somehow I know everything will be okay and although the emptiness will never Go away, God can heal the wounds and hardship from 2010....

2011 I pray is a year to rejuvenation and healing.... I hope it is a time of new beginnings and continuing the legacy that Anthony left behind which was, Unconditional love

This is the Song that has been with me all year long.. there have been many times of dancing around the living room with the kids singing and dancing to this song, one incident was where one of my brothers feel and hit his head on the floor and 911 had to be called right before we went to church...but thats a different story.....

Christmas in Heaven

Today I was sitting in church thinking about sweet Anthony, which is nothing new... I was sad at the fact that Anthony is not going to be with us on Christmas...I was getting mad at God that he took my brother from us, why? he was only 2 and had so much to offer this world...

As I was sitting in this place I had a vision of gold roads and Anthony crawling on the gold roads with Elmo following him, I couldn't but help smile and realize that Anthony is going to have this Christmas with Jesus, and that may sound, obvious..but as I sat there I thought WOW, Anthony is going to spend Christmas with Jesus, the baby who came 2000 years to save us from our sins and died on the cross only to rise again is up in Heaven, the God who created the heavens and the earth is holding my sweet Anthony tonight, rocking him and loving on sweet Anthony....

In that moment I felt peace that I have not felt in a long time it doesn't make it any easier, but knowing that Anthony is in the Loving arms of Jesus brings me peace...

I can only begin to imagine what Christmas in Heaven is like!

I am missing you sweet Anthony, selfishly I wish it was us holding you this Christmas but because we cant, I know Jesus will you holding you sweet boy

Puerto Rico

When I came home from Puerto Rico life changed really fast..... it was nice to get away and a BEAUTIFUL place! here is a collage from my vacation from September 2010!

Click on the picture to see the collage better

AHHH!!!

there is no doubt that 2010 has been a hard year.... it has been a year of accidents, pain, loss, hurt but at the same time of community, change, hope and love.... This year in many ways have contradicted itself. There have been times when I was on top of the mountain and there where times where I felt lost and had no idea what to do...

In no way would I ever want anyone to go through what my family has gone through with loosing a young child....but then again the love and experience we had with Anthony was AMAZING!! taking three months off of school to spend with my brother was simply amazing and the best part of my year..... those three months are months that I will forever hold sacred and know that God had a plan all along....

Adopting Christopher was a highlight!! to finally after 2 1/2 years have him as my forever brother was so relieving after such a long and hard fight with the state......

through the ups and downs of this year the message God has kept telling me is "I will turn your ashes into beauty". This journey of life is a hard one and although I would love to hold onto 2010 because Anthony was alive in 2010 and I had the most amazing three months with little Anthony I know God does not want his people to stay where they are at in their pain and suffering...

One night when I was laying with sweet Anthony before he went to heaven I told him that I promised to make something of myself and to share his story with other people..this is a promise that I will not take lightly... my brother was a fighter and although he is not here I know that by sharing his story and making the best of who God has called me to be by obeying and allowing God to lead me, is honoring Anthony and the promise that I made to him....

when I started my this year and UW, I suddenly had a wake up call that I was graduating soon and I needed to figure out what I was going to do next.. I kept receiving e-mail from the foundation that I am receiving my scholarship about a graduate fair and at this graduate fair there would be different colleges from the Washington area represented. at this point I was planning on getting a certificate in Chemical dependency that would take two years to complete but I figured why not see what other options I have, So I registered for the fair and went. I spent the whole day learning about how to apply to graduate school, financial aid, and about what schools would best fit a person. As the day came to a close the different schools arrived and were set up and I walked into a small room first I talked to one school then after that I looked at Northwest University's table. I had applyed there for undergrad but ended up no going because it was more financially wise to attend UW and not take out any student loans. as I walked passed I began talking to "S" and she looked at me "I KNOW YOU" and I said "I KNOW YOU!" then we figured out that we met at a conference this past may and I was talking to her about joining the Late night outreach team....it turned out she was the person who are in charge of finding and recruiting potential people to attend their school. As we talked I began to have a hope and know that I did have the potential to attend graduate school....

Fast forward three months and I applied to Northwest University's program. This past Monday I went to an interview blind (glasses broke) with "S" and today I found out that I got accepted into their graduate program!!!

Honestly I am in SHOCK!! all I could do was SCREAM!!!! at the top of my lounges.... I am still in shock and I think I will be in shock for awhile....

I had never imagined going straight into graduate school from my undergrad but hey God has a plan.... sooo I am going to be starting my masters degree September 2011...

In many ways I feel like God is using my ashes for his beauty that he is allowing me to move forward, although Anthony will never be forgotten...... God is allowing me to pursue an education that allow me to serve him best and to fulfill that promise I made to Anthony

TIme.

Time.

It seems as though the last two months have been an eternity.... Its is as though we are moving forward with out lives but yet wanting to much to rewind time and hold and love on sweet Anthony...

Time.

As we move forward in life one of the hardest things for me is for the new year to come.... so much of me wants to stay in 2010 because it was a a year that we had Anthony with us but no matter how much I want 2010 to stay 2011 is just around the corner

Time.

as much as I would love to rewind the clocks I can't...

Time.

Just keeps moving forward. whether I like it or not. I applied to Graduate school and honestly I was scared to be rejected but I came to realize that if I don't get into this one school it is not the end of the world I will just get my Chemical Dependency Certificate.. On Monday I have an interview with the school I am nervous and praying that God can guide me and give me the strength to tell my story and how I came to be the person I am today... so much of my story includes telling about Anthony's life.... and sometimes it can be hard

Sunshine

you are my sunshine




My only sunshine
you make me happy



When skies are gray




and do you know dear,
how much I love you



Please don't take my sunshine away.

I Miss you little Anthony... two months is too long without you....

Fly High sweet baby....

Thank you!

Senior Year/ thoughts on Anthony/ ramblings

I am well into my senior year at UW! The past two months have been absolutely crazy! With Anthony Passing away, Puerto Rico, Late night Outreach, starting school the day after Anthony passed on, babysitting/house sitting/ dog sitting, reading, student internship with a new organization that is going to turn into a long term commitment cause I am in love with the organization.....

life has been a whirlwind...

It has been unpredictable, it has been just plain hard...

But I know that God is here in the midst of everything that has happened.. how can someone say that when their brother just passed away?? Well God was there in the hospital sending his angels down to Anthony and they where there in the hospital room and I believe those are the same angels that where with him when he went home to be with Jesus... I know where Anthony is! I know he is in heaven sitting on the Lap of Jesus and to be honest he is in no more pain..although I miss him ALOT! there isn't a day that I do not think about him. The memory's and amazing times that we had with Anthony can never go away they cant be snatched from me.... When Anthony was here on Earth I believed that I was a part of God's plan that he had amazing plans for the sweet baby...many times I felt like I was a part of something that was bigger than myself..and although Anthony is not here the legacy of Anthony will live on and I will continue to be a part of something that is bigger than I can ever imagine or fathom. In so many ways I will continue to be healed for a long time with the death of sweet Anthony.... it was a traumatic experienced...my greatest fears that I had came true..I feared his death but in so many ways his death was not fearful but rather peaceful from the moment we took him off of life support until six days later when he went up to heaven to be with Jesus...

Moments before Anthony passed away I anointed him with Oil, which is something that I did each day after we took him off the respirator... I told him that we loved him ALOT! and that it was okay to be with Jesus, it would be hard without him but we would make it.. I told him that he is to watch over mommy, daddy, Charlie, Christopher, Grandma and me... I kissed him, hugged and rubbed his hair... I called my dad over and we sat with him my mom slept with him holding his hand... the moment Anthony passed my mom woke up.... and my dad began to give thanks to God in Prayer for Anthony's life for allowing us to be his family... we cried, hugged, and the moments after are a blurr and honestly I don't feel like talking about...

I do not regret being Anthony's sister.... I do not regret anything... One nurse B told us that our family reminded her of the Kingdom of God and what God does for us, he takes us just as we are and loves us where we are at no matter what our worldly desires may be... and that is exactly what we did for Anthony and will continue to do for baby's who need love and care, who by the worlds standards are not in "Perfect" health. everyone needs a home, love and a family. I know Anthony would not want to be the last baby we take care of and he will not be.

Life has twist and turns. It is full of bumps, mountains, and valleys.. Life is full of the unknown. Although I miss Anthony I know he is okay and is being well taken care of.

Senior Year started off rough and I honestly don't know how I have made it this quarter so far, but I am doing the best I have ever done in College. I am now in the process of finding and applying to Graduate school! I know time flys..ha...It is a scary world out there but I know God will continue to guide and protect me. I know where I want to go to school for graduate school which happens to be the same school I wanted to go to for undergrad but ended up at University of Washington! needless to say I am almost done and I am looking ahead to my future, seeing what it is out there and praying that God will guide me in this time of not know what is next...


I wrote in a blog that God was still in the business of miracle making when this past June Anthony survived against all odds and made it.. I still believe he is in the business of miracles because Anthony himself was a miracle from the beginning. Anthony's legacy will not be forgotten..many people have been touched by him and continue to be touched by Anthony... In many ways Anthony's life is a part of mine because I promised him that I would tell many people about his with a rare disease. I promised him that I would make something of myself so that his story could be told... I don't know what that looks like but I know many people still need to hear about Anthony's Story. he was an AMAZING boy and God had amazing plans for him from the beginning and although he is not here with us on earth I believe God can still use Anthony as a tool to bring people to him.

redefining marriage?

(This is a vague post, No discrete details It is more for processing and names are changed to protect their privacy..)

For the past few months I have gotten to know this family that live nearby my house.... they are an amazing family! they are involved with works of social justice, Adopted 3 boys, and had one of their own... This family have become a near and dear to me. I have spent countless hours folding laundry, changing diapers, washing dishes, loving on their boys, they have supported my family in our greatest need when Anthony was sick. In so many ways I look up to them , because they are AMAZING and I love em'!!

I know in the Bible that it says the Marriage is meant for one Man and one Women. I know what God created marriage for. In fact I believe with my whole heart that marriage is meant to be for one man and one women. Marriage is a sacred covenant between God and his people. I GET IT!! I KNOW!!!

but yet I am sitting here perplexed... In awe.... shocked to be quite honest... whats even more shocking is when I had a conversation with their oldest son tonight and he asked me if I was Gay and liked Gay people. I told him I knew some people who where gay and that I did like them but that I was not Gay myself. honestly I had no words to say. Then he went on to state that his daddy and mommy are gay... I paused and didn't ask any more questions until a few moments later "Peter, what do you mean your mom and dad are gay?" I asked him... "Well my dad was born a girl then he wanted to be a boy so he changed himself into boy" I was like "Oh okay" I had no words to say... In fact there where signs all along that got me thinking but in every way Gary was a man he acts, dresses, talks, and looks like a man... yes I did wonder a few times but I brushed it off thinking NO WAY....

This couple is AMAZING! I am here between a wall and hard rock.. I see the Kids, the Family, and the love that they have to offer... I see these children who had no hope before but because they have a family to love them they are given a second chance in life... what Gary and Julia have done in the community is amazing! no I get it...yes it is a sin yes it is against Gods will..but here is where I am struggling...how do I respond to this situation? I believe I have no say into what they do with their personal life, I have no reason to say well Gary and Julia, your going to hell because you are gay... NO not me... in fact I believe what I have been doing the last 6 months is going to be the same thing I do for the months ahead.... I am going to love this family and not be judgemental and tell them what they are doing is sinful... In fact they know I am a christian and they still let me come into their house and to be honest that's a privilege because so many other Christians are yelling at the gay and Lesbian community turning their eyes away from Jesus... My hope is to Show them Jesus through my actions, my love and how I interact with their family despite that fact that I know Gary's sex change and I know that Julia and Gary are lesbians.