where do I begin

I don't know where to begin..life had been a mess and crazy...

My mom went into the hospital for a routine surgery April 5,2011 and ended staying there for 44 days. To say that my mom is anything short of a miracle would be lying..

I am almost done with School

and there is so much that has happened but I should get going to bed!

I will do an update when I get the time, but time is not something that has been easy to find lately!

6 month.

Sweet Baby I miss you laughter and smile. Fly high sweet baby boy.

The beginning of the end!

I can see the light at the end of this very long tunnel.

I am excited without a doubt that I will be a college graduate very soon! I cannot believe that I was able to overcome the many obstacles that have come my way. This journey for the last four years has not been easy. I started college wanting to get a degree in Social work and soon through a series of events changed my major to sociology.

My family was still foster parents and we met sweet Anthony, in no way would I ever take that back, but it was hard staying in school while my brother was sick. So many times I would cry because it was to hard to balance family life and school life, but I knew that Anthony nor my parents would not want me to quit school, so I toughed it out.

I took a summer quarter to catch up on my credits and added on a few extra classes to catch up. I dropped the one class I wanted to take, Dinosaurs, but it was not as interesting as I thought it would be. I would of been done this quarter but I dropped my summer classes from last summer because Anthony was so sick in the PICU and we didn't know what was going to happen and I was taking statistics a class that I need for graduation. Little did I know that last summer was a gift from God, to be able to spend time with my brother last summer is time that I will never forget and forever be thankful for. Summer 2010 is a time in my life that is very sacred and I tear up just thinking about it.

September 29th was the first day of my senior year but it was also the day that sweet Anthony passed away. I had a day to rest then I started in full swing. soon God began to work in my life and moved the mountains to allow for my to go to Graduate school. I applied and knew that if God wanted me to go that I would, so I did. 7 days after applying I was accepted to Northwest University. I applied to graduate spring quarter. Winter quarter began and I took the dreaded Statistics, it was a rough and LOOOONG quarter of trying to make it, somehow in the end I passed my stats class and a huge relief and realization that I am actually going to graduate set in yesterday.

So much of my educational career has been centered around Anthony. I wish he was here so that I could give him a hug and thank him for keeping me going and showing me to be strong, even when I wanted to quit school.I know that he will be watching from heaven and have the best view out of anyone there!

I can't wait to walk across that stage! and receive my diploma from the UW and begin Graduate school only three months later...Some may call me crazy but I have a little brother who is watching over me and who showed me a courage and strength like no other. I want to honor Anthony and remember him and I know by living life and allowing God to lead that way I am doing that. I had no plans of going to grad school right away, but for some reason God had other plans, for me to attend this amazing school for the next two years!

Why would you want to do this?

Many times during the day I think about Anthony and the sweet baby that he was. He is never far from my thoughts and mind. I was thinking to myself today, why would my family choose to adopt a baby who had a rare disease, HLH and who would require a transplant to even have a chance of living?

In many ways the we didn't choose to adopt Anthony but rather God placed touched my moms heart and she answered the call.We were able to see beyond the medical tubes, poles, medicines but rather we saw Anthony as Anthony. When we first took Anthony into our care he was sitting in the hospital by himself. but I need to make one thing clear, it wasn't because his birth family didn't care that is not the case, in fact his uncle did visit him, it was because they lived on the other side of the state and his birth mom had her own health issues she had to deal with. I personally love and respect Anthony's birth family, it brings a tear to my eye thinking about the love I have for them. I know without a doubt they love Anthony, even to the point of being willing to give him up for Adoption.

During the time that Anthony was in the hospital by himself there where many people who were involved with the care of Anthony but another foster mom T starting to advocate on Anthony's behalf to get foster parents for Anthony. The doctors and staff did not think that he needed a family because the chances of him living where not very high, T didn't give up in fact she and her family would sneak into his his room to rock and hold this sweet baby. The nurses would break rules and hold him singing songs and loving on this sweet baby. finally it was approved through doctors stating that he did need a family. Finally Anthony was placed on a referral list that goes out to social workers and foster parents.

At this time my mom has decided to quit her Job as director and wanted to be a stay at home mom for Charlie and Christopher but also to take in more babies. As she was looking at this list she saw 9 baby's who needed to be placed and a four month old little boy stayed on that list and she kept thinking about him. So my mom called our social worker and stated tat she wanted to look more into this four month old baby boy. Our social work J, was really concerned and did not want to place him with us because he was so sick and we knew that but yet she kept persisting that my parent go and meet this baby. Finally my mom and dad went to go visit this baby boy in the hospital and to say that they fell in love is not enough, this baby captured our hearts and we loved him immediately. I remember holding Anthony for the first time, he was only four kilos but the smile melted my heart.

It didn't take long for my parents to officially say yes, that we wanted to be his foster family. then a few days after my parents committed that Doctors started to ask when we were going to start staying with him in the hospital. Well that didn't take long either. The next night after they asked that, my mom stayed the night with Anthony and my parents made an amazing schedule to make sure that someone was with Anthony at all time while he was inpatient at Children's and someone was at home taking care of Charlie and Christopher.

We endured many months of Chemotherapy, Hospital stays, Transplant, medicines, late nights, surgery after surgery. When my mom first got Anthony my grandma asked my mom what she would do if we he passed away how would we be able to handle it. My mom replied, "We want to show him love so we know they he knew what love was while he was on earth", and that is what my family did. we loved this sweet baby with everything we had and in the end he lived for 2 1/2 year beyond what anyone thought. he was a true joy and had his favorite people his mom-mom, Dad, Sissy, Charwee, Chris, Grandmom, My amy (his favorite nurse and would get mad at her if she was busy on her shift), the three nurses aids he knew by name because he knew they would take him on walks, he aimed to please them!), and many nurses on the Oncology floor, and of course ELMO, big bird and cookie monster.

He touched more hearts and changed the lives of many people, including mine. although he did pass away September 29, 2010, I would do it all over again, no regrets about loving this sweet baby. I still love Anthony and always will. the story of Anthony's life is AMAZING! so many people were involved in his life, it AMAZED ME! In fact I feel so blessed to be Anthony Wesley James sister. I feel like although my heart aches to hold him, the hope of being able to hold him again and play with him is what keeps me going and gives me the courage to move on in life.

To be asked why would we do this? why would we adopt Anthony, well let me tell sum it up in one word..

LOVE.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Happy Third Birthday Anthony!

Oh Sweet boy.... how we miss you so much... I loved seeing you in my dreams last night running and playing with toys and other angel friends...I loved talking to you, holding you and seeing your face one more time.. I am so thankful to know that you are okay but sweet boy, we miss you.. I am so thankful that through the miracle of adoption you became one my little brother..

Sweet boy there are so many memories of you in the 2 1/2 years that we had you with us... You taught me more about love than anyone has ever taught you..Loving you sweet boy was easy...I pray that you have an amazing birthday in heaven with Jesus and you got the balloons that we sent up to today.....

As we were driving home I looked out the window and the clouds around the su that looked like a heart...... Just a reminder that our sweet boy loves us and is doing just fine on his birthday!

Love you sweet boy! happy 3rd birthday

<3 sissy

Girls night out!

yesterday our family friend Becky was going stir crazy sitting at home for the past week without leaving....so tonight my mom decided that she wanted to take her out to the Cheesecake factory! It was fun doing something that is not what we do everyday, day in and day out! My life has such a routine that I never do much besides go to school, nanny, homework, Starbucks to study, church, and Late night outreach/meetings. I know it was fun for all three of us!


My moms white chocolate raspberry cheesecake!


Oh man, this was the best cheesecake! it was red velvet cheesecake! I love red velvet cake and this was not what I wanted but they ran out.. :( of the the peanut butter chocolate cheesecake to I ordered this cheesecake and let me tell you it was worth every bite and stomach ache that happened, as a result of eating this cheesecake! :P



Last but not least, Becky's banana and chocolate fudge cheesecake that she got for free because she found a piece of paper in it and talked to management.





It was a good night to get away and to enjoy a little cheesecake!

Happy Birthday Chris!

Mr Chris,

You never cease to amaze me with you love and passion for life! you are a miracle and blessing to our family! thank you for loving us and for allowing us to be your family... I am so proud of you and I cannot wait to see how God is going to use your gentle and sweet spirit.... You are wise beyond your five years and your insight to life refreshes me everyday...even in the darkest of times, you are still a light to those who are surrounded by you and you constantly remind us, that Jesus is in control... You have been through so much in your young life and I am honored to call you my forever brother and to be a part of Gods redemption plan for your life..

Happy 5th Birthday sweet boy!

Love Always,
Lindsay

Moving on...

SO many people keep telling us that we need to just move on and not talk about Anthony... People keep saying that we need to just look to the future and forget about the last 2 1/2 years that we spent with this sweet baby.... It's hard to move on, its hard to not think about Anthony, its hard to act as if I am doing okay when I am broken and falling apart because to be honest, I miss this baby more than anything and I will not stop talking about Anthony because he was a big part of my life and it is healing to be able to talk about my brother... Life may move on but he will never be forgotten...

It takes time to heal and everyone grieves differently...

:(

what to do? I feel like constantly my life is full of conflict. I feel like with every decision I have had to sacrifice and face walls of many kinds. I Feel like often I have to choose one path and stick to it, I can't do everything I love and want to do.... Some difficult decisions need to made but I am not going to move on without a fight.

Sometimes speaking out about what you believe and see is a hard place to be, when you don't agree with the leadership you are under there comes a time when you need to speak up and bring to light the truth, although they may not see it, at least it is being brought to light... I am tied of have to constantly sacrifice, what I love to do and the passion that God has given me, in order to just be able to serve the people you want to serve.....

Thats right..I am possibly going to leave LNO and move on... This is a REALLY hard decision and much prayer is going to be made because right not nothing is going to change...so most likely I am going to try and meet with the executive director of the organization and possibly write a letter to the board of directors, so they know whats going on and can see why there is a high turn overate with volunteers... Someone had told me that they have prayed boldness over me, all of a sudden boldness has overtaken my soul and my passion for serving the girls has been reignited, it is not the only ministry that serves the girls, there are many other and I believe that with time God will show me the place that I need to go to....

Today I read my E-mail and this was the bible verse I read:


"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
-Genesis 50:20 NIV

This verse has been with me all day as I have faced mountains and had dreams shot down, but then I know God has a plan for all of this.

what can I say...I was bored?

I was at my nanny job and I discovered you can make youtube videos from my phone.....and to top it off this is me EXTREMELY TIRED!! haha



And I didn't have to go I thought they were home but it their lovely son was upstairs jumping on his bed....so I went upstairs to check on him and he was "Asleep"....

One of the last times that I was holding Anthony before he passed this song was playing on my Pandora and I just started crying and singing this song to Anthony... To me he was the sweetest thing on this side of heaven... It is a moment I will never forget, I miss this sweet boy and no matter what I can not hold him again and it hurts.... It seems as time moves forward, Anthony becomes a part of my past and I forget what life was like with him. I miss this sweet boy so much. Listening to this song brings back so many memories and a time in my family's life when we were preparing to say goodbye to sweet Anthony...



I miss you Sweet Anthony...

Guess what??

I officially applied for Graduation at the University!!
It has been a long four years and somehow I still managed to get a degree!

I cannot wait to walk across the stage and receive my Diploma from the University of Washington!

I know sweet Anthony will be looking down on me that day!

The Story of Jonah, by the cutest girl!

What a year...

This year has been full of ups and down.... It started off with a car crash in January after coming home from LNO, Chris's sister staying with us before she went to the mid-west to live with her sister and aunt and uncle, My dad helped to Launch Friendz Caf's and prison ministry, Anthony go into the hospital, charlie finish kindergarten, Chris finish pre-school, Anthony in ICU for a month, Anthony miraculously recovered from his ICU stay, I dropped summer quarter to be with Anthony, Puerto Rico, Grandma moved in, Anthony come home after his 140 day stay at children's,Chris is finally adopted!, Charlie and Chris start school Spending 9 days with Anthony as we had to say goodbye to our boy who became our angel boy, Start school the day after Anthony passed, apply to grad school, kids go to school, remember our boy with a memorial service, Make-a-wish, Thanksgiving was hard, get into grad school, Christmas and now today......

In a nutshell that has been 2010....

What a year...it is a year I will never forget, a year that I so long to hold on to because Anthony was here with us but at the same time I want to move on because I know good things are to come... I serve a God who has a plan and knows what he is doing.... and I am thankful for that..honestly if I didn't have faith in God I do not know how I would be able to make it..it is my faith and wanting to make a difference in this world that has kept me going... I miss Anthony and I know he is safe in the Arms of Jesus, I know it is okay to move forward and to be excited for the things to come in 2011....

My prayer is that God can begin to heal the wounds and to bring happens and joy into our home.... Anthony was such a major part of our family that it is empty without him... I miss his laughter, joy, screaming and crying.. I pray that once again I can see my mom not hurt and be happy with life.... I pray that God can continue to use my family to touch the lives of children who are in need of love and a family... I hope that as I continue with my education beyond an Undergraduate degree that God can provide the finances and for me to have peace that he is not going to give me more than I can handle....

2011, I pray will be a year to remember, a year of healing and of new beginnings... One verse that has been with me since we had Anthony is Job 37:5

God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;
he does great things beyond our understanding.
Job 37:5

My prayer is that God will continue to do great things beyond our understanding!

:P

Yes life keeps moving on...

Tonight my best friend of many years called me to tell me that she got engaged! It was not unexpected, they went on a trip to Disneyland for Christmas...we have been on the phone all week as she has been there waited for him to ask her...

Well he did tonight!! they are an amazing couple and I am excited that they are getting married!!! not to mention the fact that I am the Maid of Honor!!!

I can't wait until their special day! you know how you find that one friend that you just click and stick together no matter what...through thick and thin?? well that is us...I am so excited for her!!! WOOT WOOT!!!

Life keeps going on....

Its weird that three months ago we were sitting with Anthony waiting for him to go into the arms of Jesus... It is hard to think that just three short months ago, we were laying right next to Anthony loving on him and telling him that it was okay to go and be with Jesus.... In many ways I wish that I could rewind time and just touch Anthony just one more time... This situation sucks, I miss my brother but the reality is that no matter how much I would like to rewind time and go back to holding sweet Anthony, time just keeps moving forward.... and it is hard

2010 was a hard year but at the same time God was still there for us and many miracles and life changing moments happened in 2010... I am in the middle of wanting to move forward with time and move into the 2011 because honestly I see nothing but good things coming, Graduating from UW and starting Graduate school...lots of new adventures and memories to be made...but at the same time I wish that I could pause time, because in 2010 Anthony was alive, he was breathing...In 2010 I got to spend, three amazing months with Anthony during the summer that I will never forget and will be precious to me.... In 2010 my family had to say goodbye to someone that has forever changed our lives. it is in 2010 that Anthony was here with us... never again will I be in the same year that Antony was alive and with us.... it is weird to me to want to stay in 2010 and the closer we get to 2011, the harder the week gets, it is one of the weirdest things but who said life wasn't weird? I miss you you Sweet Anthony.... and somehow I know everything will be okay and although the emptiness will never Go away, God can heal the wounds and hardship from 2010....

2011 I pray is a year to rejuvenation and healing.... I hope it is a time of new beginnings and continuing the legacy that Anthony left behind which was, Unconditional love

This is the Song that has been with me all year long.. there have been many times of dancing around the living room with the kids singing and dancing to this song, one incident was where one of my brothers feel and hit his head on the floor and 911 had to be called right before we went to church...but thats a different story.....

Christmas in Heaven

Today I was sitting in church thinking about sweet Anthony, which is nothing new... I was sad at the fact that Anthony is not going to be with us on Christmas...I was getting mad at God that he took my brother from us, why? he was only 2 and had so much to offer this world...

As I was sitting in this place I had a vision of gold roads and Anthony crawling on the gold roads with Elmo following him, I couldn't but help smile and realize that Anthony is going to have this Christmas with Jesus, and that may sound, obvious..but as I sat there I thought WOW, Anthony is going to spend Christmas with Jesus, the baby who came 2000 years to save us from our sins and died on the cross only to rise again is up in Heaven, the God who created the heavens and the earth is holding my sweet Anthony tonight, rocking him and loving on sweet Anthony....

In that moment I felt peace that I have not felt in a long time it doesn't make it any easier, but knowing that Anthony is in the Loving arms of Jesus brings me peace...

I can only begin to imagine what Christmas in Heaven is like!

I am missing you sweet Anthony, selfishly I wish it was us holding you this Christmas but because we cant, I know Jesus will you holding you sweet boy

Puerto Rico

When I came home from Puerto Rico life changed really fast..... it was nice to get away and a BEAUTIFUL place! here is a collage from my vacation from September 2010!

Click on the picture to see the collage better

AHHH!!!

there is no doubt that 2010 has been a hard year.... it has been a year of accidents, pain, loss, hurt but at the same time of community, change, hope and love.... This year in many ways have contradicted itself. There have been times when I was on top of the mountain and there where times where I felt lost and had no idea what to do...

In no way would I ever want anyone to go through what my family has gone through with loosing a young child....but then again the love and experience we had with Anthony was AMAZING!! taking three months off of school to spend with my brother was simply amazing and the best part of my year..... those three months are months that I will forever hold sacred and know that God had a plan all along....

Adopting Christopher was a highlight!! to finally after 2 1/2 years have him as my forever brother was so relieving after such a long and hard fight with the state......

through the ups and downs of this year the message God has kept telling me is "I will turn your ashes into beauty". This journey of life is a hard one and although I would love to hold onto 2010 because Anthony was alive in 2010 and I had the most amazing three months with little Anthony I know God does not want his people to stay where they are at in their pain and suffering...

One night when I was laying with sweet Anthony before he went to heaven I told him that I promised to make something of myself and to share his story with other people..this is a promise that I will not take lightly... my brother was a fighter and although he is not here I know that by sharing his story and making the best of who God has called me to be by obeying and allowing God to lead me, is honoring Anthony and the promise that I made to him....

when I started my this year and UW, I suddenly had a wake up call that I was graduating soon and I needed to figure out what I was going to do next.. I kept receiving e-mail from the foundation that I am receiving my scholarship about a graduate fair and at this graduate fair there would be different colleges from the Washington area represented. at this point I was planning on getting a certificate in Chemical dependency that would take two years to complete but I figured why not see what other options I have, So I registered for the fair and went. I spent the whole day learning about how to apply to graduate school, financial aid, and about what schools would best fit a person. As the day came to a close the different schools arrived and were set up and I walked into a small room first I talked to one school then after that I looked at Northwest University's table. I had applyed there for undergrad but ended up no going because it was more financially wise to attend UW and not take out any student loans. as I walked passed I began talking to "S" and she looked at me "I KNOW YOU" and I said "I KNOW YOU!" then we figured out that we met at a conference this past may and I was talking to her about joining the Late night outreach team....it turned out she was the person who are in charge of finding and recruiting potential people to attend their school. As we talked I began to have a hope and know that I did have the potential to attend graduate school....

Fast forward three months and I applied to Northwest University's program. This past Monday I went to an interview blind (glasses broke) with "S" and today I found out that I got accepted into their graduate program!!!

Honestly I am in SHOCK!! all I could do was SCREAM!!!! at the top of my lounges.... I am still in shock and I think I will be in shock for awhile....

I had never imagined going straight into graduate school from my undergrad but hey God has a plan.... sooo I am going to be starting my masters degree September 2011...

In many ways I feel like God is using my ashes for his beauty that he is allowing me to move forward, although Anthony will never be forgotten...... God is allowing me to pursue an education that allow me to serve him best and to fulfill that promise I made to Anthony