What a year...

This year has been full of ups and down.... It started off with a car crash in January after coming home from LNO, Chris's sister staying with us before she went to the mid-west to live with her sister and aunt and uncle, My dad helped to Launch Friendz Caf's and prison ministry, Anthony go into the hospital, charlie finish kindergarten, Chris finish pre-school, Anthony in ICU for a month, Anthony miraculously recovered from his ICU stay, I dropped summer quarter to be with Anthony, Puerto Rico, Grandma moved in, Anthony come home after his 140 day stay at children's,Chris is finally adopted!, Charlie and Chris start school Spending 9 days with Anthony as we had to say goodbye to our boy who became our angel boy, Start school the day after Anthony passed, apply to grad school, kids go to school, remember our boy with a memorial service, Make-a-wish, Thanksgiving was hard, get into grad school, Christmas and now today......

In a nutshell that has been 2010....

What a year...it is a year I will never forget, a year that I so long to hold on to because Anthony was here with us but at the same time I want to move on because I know good things are to come... I serve a God who has a plan and knows what he is doing.... and I am thankful for that..honestly if I didn't have faith in God I do not know how I would be able to make it..it is my faith and wanting to make a difference in this world that has kept me going... I miss Anthony and I know he is safe in the Arms of Jesus, I know it is okay to move forward and to be excited for the things to come in 2011....

My prayer is that God can begin to heal the wounds and to bring happens and joy into our home.... Anthony was such a major part of our family that it is empty without him... I miss his laughter, joy, screaming and crying.. I pray that once again I can see my mom not hurt and be happy with life.... I pray that God can continue to use my family to touch the lives of children who are in need of love and a family... I hope that as I continue with my education beyond an Undergraduate degree that God can provide the finances and for me to have peace that he is not going to give me more than I can handle....

2011, I pray will be a year to remember, a year of healing and of new beginnings... One verse that has been with me since we had Anthony is Job 37:5

God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;
he does great things beyond our understanding.
Job 37:5

My prayer is that God will continue to do great things beyond our understanding!

:P

Yes life keeps moving on...

Tonight my best friend of many years called me to tell me that she got engaged! It was not unexpected, they went on a trip to Disneyland for Christmas...we have been on the phone all week as she has been there waited for him to ask her...

Well he did tonight!! they are an amazing couple and I am excited that they are getting married!!! not to mention the fact that I am the Maid of Honor!!!

I can't wait until their special day! you know how you find that one friend that you just click and stick together no matter what...through thick and thin?? well that is us...I am so excited for her!!! WOOT WOOT!!!

Life keeps going on....

Its weird that three months ago we were sitting with Anthony waiting for him to go into the arms of Jesus... It is hard to think that just three short months ago, we were laying right next to Anthony loving on him and telling him that it was okay to go and be with Jesus.... In many ways I wish that I could rewind time and just touch Anthony just one more time... This situation sucks, I miss my brother but the reality is that no matter how much I would like to rewind time and go back to holding sweet Anthony, time just keeps moving forward.... and it is hard

2010 was a hard year but at the same time God was still there for us and many miracles and life changing moments happened in 2010... I am in the middle of wanting to move forward with time and move into the 2011 because honestly I see nothing but good things coming, Graduating from UW and starting Graduate school...lots of new adventures and memories to be made...but at the same time I wish that I could pause time, because in 2010 Anthony was alive, he was breathing...In 2010 I got to spend, three amazing months with Anthony during the summer that I will never forget and will be precious to me.... In 2010 my family had to say goodbye to someone that has forever changed our lives. it is in 2010 that Anthony was here with us... never again will I be in the same year that Antony was alive and with us.... it is weird to me to want to stay in 2010 and the closer we get to 2011, the harder the week gets, it is one of the weirdest things but who said life wasn't weird? I miss you you Sweet Anthony.... and somehow I know everything will be okay and although the emptiness will never Go away, God can heal the wounds and hardship from 2010....

2011 I pray is a year to rejuvenation and healing.... I hope it is a time of new beginnings and continuing the legacy that Anthony left behind which was, Unconditional love

This is the Song that has been with me all year long.. there have been many times of dancing around the living room with the kids singing and dancing to this song, one incident was where one of my brothers feel and hit his head on the floor and 911 had to be called right before we went to church...but thats a different story.....

Christmas in Heaven

Today I was sitting in church thinking about sweet Anthony, which is nothing new... I was sad at the fact that Anthony is not going to be with us on Christmas...I was getting mad at God that he took my brother from us, why? he was only 2 and had so much to offer this world...

As I was sitting in this place I had a vision of gold roads and Anthony crawling on the gold roads with Elmo following him, I couldn't but help smile and realize that Anthony is going to have this Christmas with Jesus, and that may sound, obvious..but as I sat there I thought WOW, Anthony is going to spend Christmas with Jesus, the baby who came 2000 years to save us from our sins and died on the cross only to rise again is up in Heaven, the God who created the heavens and the earth is holding my sweet Anthony tonight, rocking him and loving on sweet Anthony....

In that moment I felt peace that I have not felt in a long time it doesn't make it any easier, but knowing that Anthony is in the Loving arms of Jesus brings me peace...

I can only begin to imagine what Christmas in Heaven is like!

I am missing you sweet Anthony, selfishly I wish it was us holding you this Christmas but because we cant, I know Jesus will you holding you sweet boy

Puerto Rico

When I came home from Puerto Rico life changed really fast..... it was nice to get away and a BEAUTIFUL place! here is a collage from my vacation from September 2010!

Click on the picture to see the collage better

AHHH!!!

there is no doubt that 2010 has been a hard year.... it has been a year of accidents, pain, loss, hurt but at the same time of community, change, hope and love.... This year in many ways have contradicted itself. There have been times when I was on top of the mountain and there where times where I felt lost and had no idea what to do...

In no way would I ever want anyone to go through what my family has gone through with loosing a young child....but then again the love and experience we had with Anthony was AMAZING!! taking three months off of school to spend with my brother was simply amazing and the best part of my year..... those three months are months that I will forever hold sacred and know that God had a plan all along....

Adopting Christopher was a highlight!! to finally after 2 1/2 years have him as my forever brother was so relieving after such a long and hard fight with the state......

through the ups and downs of this year the message God has kept telling me is "I will turn your ashes into beauty". This journey of life is a hard one and although I would love to hold onto 2010 because Anthony was alive in 2010 and I had the most amazing three months with little Anthony I know God does not want his people to stay where they are at in their pain and suffering...

One night when I was laying with sweet Anthony before he went to heaven I told him that I promised to make something of myself and to share his story with other people..this is a promise that I will not take lightly... my brother was a fighter and although he is not here I know that by sharing his story and making the best of who God has called me to be by obeying and allowing God to lead me, is honoring Anthony and the promise that I made to him....

when I started my this year and UW, I suddenly had a wake up call that I was graduating soon and I needed to figure out what I was going to do next.. I kept receiving e-mail from the foundation that I am receiving my scholarship about a graduate fair and at this graduate fair there would be different colleges from the Washington area represented. at this point I was planning on getting a certificate in Chemical dependency that would take two years to complete but I figured why not see what other options I have, So I registered for the fair and went. I spent the whole day learning about how to apply to graduate school, financial aid, and about what schools would best fit a person. As the day came to a close the different schools arrived and were set up and I walked into a small room first I talked to one school then after that I looked at Northwest University's table. I had applyed there for undergrad but ended up no going because it was more financially wise to attend UW and not take out any student loans. as I walked passed I began talking to "S" and she looked at me "I KNOW YOU" and I said "I KNOW YOU!" then we figured out that we met at a conference this past may and I was talking to her about joining the Late night outreach team....it turned out she was the person who are in charge of finding and recruiting potential people to attend their school. As we talked I began to have a hope and know that I did have the potential to attend graduate school....

Fast forward three months and I applied to Northwest University's program. This past Monday I went to an interview blind (glasses broke) with "S" and today I found out that I got accepted into their graduate program!!!

Honestly I am in SHOCK!! all I could do was SCREAM!!!! at the top of my lounges.... I am still in shock and I think I will be in shock for awhile....

I had never imagined going straight into graduate school from my undergrad but hey God has a plan.... sooo I am going to be starting my masters degree September 2011...

In many ways I feel like God is using my ashes for his beauty that he is allowing me to move forward, although Anthony will never be forgotten...... God is allowing me to pursue an education that allow me to serve him best and to fulfill that promise I made to Anthony

TIme.

Time.

It seems as though the last two months have been an eternity.... Its is as though we are moving forward with out lives but yet wanting to much to rewind time and hold and love on sweet Anthony...

Time.

As we move forward in life one of the hardest things for me is for the new year to come.... so much of me wants to stay in 2010 because it was a a year that we had Anthony with us but no matter how much I want 2010 to stay 2011 is just around the corner

Time.

as much as I would love to rewind the clocks I can't...

Time.

Just keeps moving forward. whether I like it or not. I applied to Graduate school and honestly I was scared to be rejected but I came to realize that if I don't get into this one school it is not the end of the world I will just get my Chemical Dependency Certificate.. On Monday I have an interview with the school I am nervous and praying that God can guide me and give me the strength to tell my story and how I came to be the person I am today... so much of my story includes telling about Anthony's life.... and sometimes it can be hard

Sunshine

you are my sunshine




My only sunshine
you make me happy



When skies are gray




and do you know dear,
how much I love you



Please don't take my sunshine away.

I Miss you little Anthony... two months is too long without you....

Fly High sweet baby....

Thank you!

Senior Year/ thoughts on Anthony/ ramblings

I am well into my senior year at UW! The past two months have been absolutely crazy! With Anthony Passing away, Puerto Rico, Late night Outreach, starting school the day after Anthony passed on, babysitting/house sitting/ dog sitting, reading, student internship with a new organization that is going to turn into a long term commitment cause I am in love with the organization.....

life has been a whirlwind...

It has been unpredictable, it has been just plain hard...

But I know that God is here in the midst of everything that has happened.. how can someone say that when their brother just passed away?? Well God was there in the hospital sending his angels down to Anthony and they where there in the hospital room and I believe those are the same angels that where with him when he went home to be with Jesus... I know where Anthony is! I know he is in heaven sitting on the Lap of Jesus and to be honest he is in no more pain..although I miss him ALOT! there isn't a day that I do not think about him. The memory's and amazing times that we had with Anthony can never go away they cant be snatched from me.... When Anthony was here on Earth I believed that I was a part of God's plan that he had amazing plans for the sweet baby...many times I felt like I was a part of something that was bigger than myself..and although Anthony is not here the legacy of Anthony will live on and I will continue to be a part of something that is bigger than I can ever imagine or fathom. In so many ways I will continue to be healed for a long time with the death of sweet Anthony.... it was a traumatic experienced...my greatest fears that I had came true..I feared his death but in so many ways his death was not fearful but rather peaceful from the moment we took him off of life support until six days later when he went up to heaven to be with Jesus...

Moments before Anthony passed away I anointed him with Oil, which is something that I did each day after we took him off the respirator... I told him that we loved him ALOT! and that it was okay to be with Jesus, it would be hard without him but we would make it.. I told him that he is to watch over mommy, daddy, Charlie, Christopher, Grandma and me... I kissed him, hugged and rubbed his hair... I called my dad over and we sat with him my mom slept with him holding his hand... the moment Anthony passed my mom woke up.... and my dad began to give thanks to God in Prayer for Anthony's life for allowing us to be his family... we cried, hugged, and the moments after are a blurr and honestly I don't feel like talking about...

I do not regret being Anthony's sister.... I do not regret anything... One nurse B told us that our family reminded her of the Kingdom of God and what God does for us, he takes us just as we are and loves us where we are at no matter what our worldly desires may be... and that is exactly what we did for Anthony and will continue to do for baby's who need love and care, who by the worlds standards are not in "Perfect" health. everyone needs a home, love and a family. I know Anthony would not want to be the last baby we take care of and he will not be.

Life has twist and turns. It is full of bumps, mountains, and valleys.. Life is full of the unknown. Although I miss Anthony I know he is okay and is being well taken care of.

Senior Year started off rough and I honestly don't know how I have made it this quarter so far, but I am doing the best I have ever done in College. I am now in the process of finding and applying to Graduate school! I know time flys..ha...It is a scary world out there but I know God will continue to guide and protect me. I know where I want to go to school for graduate school which happens to be the same school I wanted to go to for undergrad but ended up at University of Washington! needless to say I am almost done and I am looking ahead to my future, seeing what it is out there and praying that God will guide me in this time of not know what is next...


I wrote in a blog that God was still in the business of miracle making when this past June Anthony survived against all odds and made it.. I still believe he is in the business of miracles because Anthony himself was a miracle from the beginning. Anthony's legacy will not be forgotten..many people have been touched by him and continue to be touched by Anthony... In many ways Anthony's life is a part of mine because I promised him that I would tell many people about his with a rare disease. I promised him that I would make something of myself so that his story could be told... I don't know what that looks like but I know many people still need to hear about Anthony's Story. he was an AMAZING boy and God had amazing plans for him from the beginning and although he is not here with us on earth I believe God can still use Anthony as a tool to bring people to him.

redefining marriage?

(This is a vague post, No discrete details It is more for processing and names are changed to protect their privacy..)

For the past few months I have gotten to know this family that live nearby my house.... they are an amazing family! they are involved with works of social justice, Adopted 3 boys, and had one of their own... This family have become a near and dear to me. I have spent countless hours folding laundry, changing diapers, washing dishes, loving on their boys, they have supported my family in our greatest need when Anthony was sick. In so many ways I look up to them , because they are AMAZING and I love em'!!

I know in the Bible that it says the Marriage is meant for one Man and one Women. I know what God created marriage for. In fact I believe with my whole heart that marriage is meant to be for one man and one women. Marriage is a sacred covenant between God and his people. I GET IT!! I KNOW!!!

but yet I am sitting here perplexed... In awe.... shocked to be quite honest... whats even more shocking is when I had a conversation with their oldest son tonight and he asked me if I was Gay and liked Gay people. I told him I knew some people who where gay and that I did like them but that I was not Gay myself. honestly I had no words to say. Then he went on to state that his daddy and mommy are gay... I paused and didn't ask any more questions until a few moments later "Peter, what do you mean your mom and dad are gay?" I asked him... "Well my dad was born a girl then he wanted to be a boy so he changed himself into boy" I was like "Oh okay" I had no words to say... In fact there where signs all along that got me thinking but in every way Gary was a man he acts, dresses, talks, and looks like a man... yes I did wonder a few times but I brushed it off thinking NO WAY....

This couple is AMAZING! I am here between a wall and hard rock.. I see the Kids, the Family, and the love that they have to offer... I see these children who had no hope before but because they have a family to love them they are given a second chance in life... what Gary and Julia have done in the community is amazing! no I get it...yes it is a sin yes it is against Gods will..but here is where I am struggling...how do I respond to this situation? I believe I have no say into what they do with their personal life, I have no reason to say well Gary and Julia, your going to hell because you are gay... NO not me... in fact I believe what I have been doing the last 6 months is going to be the same thing I do for the months ahead.... I am going to love this family and not be judgemental and tell them what they are doing is sinful... In fact they know I am a christian and they still let me come into their house and to be honest that's a privilege because so many other Christians are yelling at the gay and Lesbian community turning their eyes away from Jesus... My hope is to Show them Jesus through my actions, my love and how I interact with their family despite that fact that I know Gary's sex change and I know that Julia and Gary are lesbians.

I will carry you

Life goes on... it has been a hard month...We miss our sweet Angel boy but we know he is no longer in pain, Anthony is in the best place ever! he is with Jesus and with that I am fine..I just miss him a lot, I often think of the many adventures and fun times that we had with Anthony. Although we spent the past two years in and out of the hospital it is a journey and a choice that I would never take back... Anthony Wesley changed my life, he showed me how to love and to preserver... Anthony showed me how to be a better person. although I cannot hold his earthly body again I know he is an angel watching over us.. he is in no more pain... and although it sucks while I am on earth there will be a day where I will enter heavens gate to see him standing there yelling "SISSY"...

Although he is Gone from earth he is not forgotten... I miss you sweet baby... and I am so glad that I took off this summer to spend three months with him!! it is a decision that I know God had planned out because if I didn't get to spend time with him like I did this summer I would have guilt...and I don't because I was able to take a full summer off and focus on loving sweet Anthony...

Although I am not Anthony's mom this song has always touched me even before he passed away but now that I listened to it last night I started to cry because it is exactly how I feel.....

^^Anthony^^

Sometimes in life we have all the words and right ways of being able to explain what has just happened but to be honest I don't... this past months has been a blur and to be honest my worst nightmare has come true...

For two long Years Anthony fought for his life time and time again he beat the odd... for more information about what happened go to:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/anthonycox1


On September 29 2010 Anthony earned his Angel wings he is missed and loved dearly.. a piece of me will always be missing I will never be the same but he was an amazing baby.. and I know if we could do it all over again we would.

We love you sweet Anthony!
^^Fly high sweet baby^^^^

My bags are packed...

and I am almost ready to go...

I leave for a much needed vacation to Puerto Rico for a week tonight!
I am excited and can't wait to lay on the beach!! and do nothing!

Love (

I wrote this blog in the summer but never posted it...





Sometimes it takes other people around you to tell you that you need to take a break and relax. To be honest I am TIRED and I am ready for a break. I had a big realization tonight when I was a meeting for the Late night ministry's and we were looking at pictures and discussing racial reconciliation. we were discussing how hard it is to live a life that is "different" and defies all the expectations that are placed on us by our familys and friends. We are expect d to live up to the American dream where all we care about is money, a nice house, big fancy car, the rich husband who makes all the money, white picket fences with 2.5 children and a dog.

we were discussing the fact that we don't want that but yet we have so much pressure to be a part of that lifestlye. I came to this conclusion, my family and friends dont understand why we would choose to adopt a child with medical needs a child who from the first time we met him, we knew that he was sick. They don't understand how we could or want to choose that lifestyle but what they dont see is the fact that we didn't choose it... God choose it for us. It was the call that Jesus placed on my parents to take in high risk children that needed a forever family so they did not have to go from home to home if anything it is the love that we have to offer these children that have been so healing with the different children that he have had in our care.

Your love

Yesterday as I was driving Brandon Heath was in the local christion station and he played a song called "Your love" and let me tell you it is an AMAZING song! You can visit his website by clicking: here

What strikes me is that everything that I have gone through my life, it all boils down to the fact that all we need is God's love, and that should be enough

God's love is the only thing that matters!

In one week I am going here:

Next Friday at 11pm, I am headed to this place:





I am excited to go to this place to get some much needed rest and renewal time... This trip came unexpectedly and for some reason I decided that I did want to go to this wonderful place!!!


oh I cannot wait to lay on the beach and have no agenda!! :)

Introducing for the first time!!

I am proud to introduce for the first time...




Christopher Jordan James
In our home April 17, 2008
Adopted August 20, 2010

we love you sweet boy!!
Today will forever be your special day because we never thought that it would happen little did we know that God had other plans and a complete miracle happend!! we are forever blessed to have you as a member of our family!!

I love you!

Big sister Lindsay!

The miracle of Mr, Feisty!

Dear Mr, Feisty-

Tonight I find myself overjoyed with the fact that today you will become my forever brother! Although from the moment I saw you asleep in the social workers car I looked at mommy and mouthed "He is Beautiful" and you where and still are.. Although it is not my job to tell your story and of the pain you came from, I cannot deny the hurt and sadness that I feel for your birth parents, my Joy is causing someone else pain, I pray for your birth mom as I hurt for her but I know God has her heart and I pray that she will find new life in Jesus Christ. The little helpless boy I saw in the car is not the boy I know today.

In the past two years Mr, Feisty you have had your way of fitting right into our family you where a natural of just coming into our home and stealing our hearts I mean how could we help but fall in love with your sweetness? I remember the first few days we had with you, they where rough but yet without even talking to you we knew that in those first two years of your life you lived a nightmare that no child should have to live it took time to earn your trust and love but when we did there was no denying the fact that I was completely head over heels in love with you!!

Mr Feisty you bring so much joy and excitement into our lives! without you our family is not complete and today at 1:30pm it will become official that you will be in our family forever. I want you to know that as your sister I will promise to be there for you and I am willing to fly across the country with you so that you can maintain contact with D and S, your two older sisters. In fact I look forward to the years of being able to go with you to the Midwest because just as you have stolen my heart so has S. :)....in fact your S and D will always be your family no matter what, the life and blood bond you have with them cant be torn up and I pray that one day you will understand why we wanted to keep you here with us in Seattle and they are in the Midwest. we fought a hard and long fight to be able to come to your adoption day!!

You Amaze me Mr, Feisty! and I cannot believe that the day has finally come that we have waited for...

I love you!
Your forever sister,
Lindsay

LNO

one of my passions in life is to work with women who are involved in Prostitution. Girls who are marginalized and looked down upon in society. when I am out on the streets standing on the same as New Horizons has for the past 10 years. It is the corner that I see more pain and hurt than I have ever seen but it is the place that God has called me to be. To be able to enter into the pain and suffering of these girls is not easy they do not see themselves as victims instead, some girls want to get out of this lifestyle while other are trying to chase that fast road and achieve the ultimate dream of living the high life. Some of the girls themselves strive to become pimps themselves. some of the girls come to our corner when they are being chased by another pimp or Johns that are on the streets. Some girls come to get supplies to protect themselves from getting sexual transmitted disease or to become pregnant. whatever the reason is, the girls are still out there on the streets trying to live after a dream that will not come true, the high life is a lie. The manipulation and abuse that these women experience in unbelievable.

This is a part of my life where I am most passionate and feel closest to G-d by being able to enter into their lives for the moments that they are with us on the corner is a moment where we have the chance to offer the hope and salvation of Jesus, we are not forcing him on anyone by condemning their lifestyle but rather it is by our love and actions that they see who Jesus is and desire change for their own lives. Many girls don't want to be in this lifestyle but they know no other way it is not easier to integrate back into a society that has condemned you and when a girl wants to get a job it is hard because of their criminal records or any line of work they may get includes either a bar, casino or strip club.

These girls are girls from all different backgrounds it is surprising there is no typical stereotype in fact the college girls that are going to clubs often look more slutty than the girls who are involved in prostitution. These girls are our daughters, nieces and granddaughters. Some of the girls go to church on a regular basis, some girls are moms, some girls are going to school to attain a college education. There is no specific profile that can fit all of the girls their stories and backgrounds are. The girls that are most vulnerable are young girls some girls aged 12 are deceived into the lifestyle. Girls from all different backgrounds rich, poor, black, white, Asian young and old are involved. The fact is that parents need to be more informed about the issue of domestic sex trafficking, the reality is that any girl has the potential to get involved in the lifestyle, if they do not know what to signs to look out for. when I a older man is telling them that they love you so much and will give you anything, the girl will possibly fall in love and become emotional and physically dependant on this man and when he ask her to get involved in the lifestyle, she is most likely to say yes or the man will use other forms of manipulation and abuse to persuade her to be involved in the lifestyle.

The reality that I see Friday nights is different from what I live every other day of my life but it is the place where I see and experience a love for these girls that can only come from G-d. It is the place that I with I did not exist but it does and as long as it does I will be involved with working and loving on these girls in the way of Jesus Christ.

Adoption #3

Mr, Feisty's Adoption date is next Friday! he is an amazing four year old and I cannot wait to officially introduce Mr, Feisty although he has been in our care it is amazing to know that he is going to stay here forever!! he fits into our family so well.. it is hard not to fall in love with him

I am so excited and I cant help but have a tear in my eye as I think of the journey that he has been on. I remember the small fragile 2 year old and today Feisty is a strong and yes still small but simply AMAZING boy! most of all I am glad that I will be his forever sister!

I love you Mr, Feisty!!

oh and in the midst of preparing for his adoption Anthony made it home yesterday!! after 140 days!

Lindsay

dang it..

As sweet Anthony loves to say when things don't go his was...... Dang it...

We are not coming home today due to the household being hit with a case of the 24 hour flu....... I had it Saturday morning to Sunday morning... and today charle, my mom and Mr, feisty have it..

We are hoping to bring Anthony home next Monday after the house is clean and sanitized with bleach from the floor to the roof.

DANG IT

The last 6 weeks...

Wow!! what a past month and a half it has been! I started this summer off taking 12 credits at my college everything was going great! I was going to accomplish my summer goal of completing my greatest fear.... Statistics... everything started out fantastic!!! In fact I loved that class, my other class was also amazing and I loved it to be honest my schedule for summer quarter could not been any better... it is when everything is going great and you don't listen to that small still voice telling you not to take summer classes, but I did it anyways



About a week after I started summer classes I came home from school and sat on the couch, within five minutes my father called on the phone stating that my mom and I needed to arrive at the hospital because we needed to make some decisions about Anthony's... let me tell you we stormed out the door crying and driving to the hospital..it felt like 20 hours to drive 9 miles to Seattle Children's hospital. My dad sounded scared but would not tell us what was happening...






By this point Anthony had been in the Intensive care unit for a month due to the puffing up in his face from the blood clots in his chest, so much that we almost lost Anthony if had not been in-tubated when he had then within 30 minutes he would of passed, test and ultrasounds showed that Anthony's blood veins where clotted off but they had some medicines that the doctors could try but they where not without risk... the first medicine is known as TPA, which it it like roto rooter for your blood vessels cleaning and breaking down the clots. The tpa worked in his legs and some with helping to allow a small amount of blood flow to go through the blood clots. Anthony had just got off of his second round of TPA and we where under the impression that morning that if the TPA didn't work then we where faced with having to sign off on the surgery that Anthony would have a 50/50 chance of making but most likely he would pass on the table, we knew this before showing up to the hospital but the reality of how sick he was would sink in.



when we arrived at the hospital my father pulled out a picture that showed Anthony's veins and the blood clots where still completely blocked the flow of blood and the collateral veins that where forming but then closing off..what we were looking at was a picture showing us that Anthony would not be able to sustain or live life without a miracle..that night was a hard and sad night... our pastors, friend Becky, and aunt and Uncle came to visit Anthony.. we prayed over his body laying our hands on him asking God for our miracle... Then the Doctor came and my parents have known her since we first got Anthony placed into our care with a Tear in her eye she said that she did not think that Anthony would make it, that she had been wrong before but she was pretty sure he was going to pass on... we cried and cried and prayed...The Amazing thing about God is that in that room I felt a peace and presence of God that I have never felt before, he was there in that room holding my family up as we wept and cried over sweet Anthony, who was fighting and not wanting to stay sedated, in fact he woke up saying mama and Elmo. My mom wanted to leave the ICU unit and visit the Cancer care unit to see if the nurses that have taken care of Anthony where there, there are a few nurse that have taken care of him since day one of him being diagnosed with HLH, it is also rare that all of them are working on the same shift but when we walked in within minutes all those nurses that we have grown to love where surrounding us and hugging us the tears that they let fall down their face where healing and touching to us. The tears that the Doctors and hospital staff cried showed us that Anthony was more than a patient to them but rather the wanted the same as we did, For Anthony to be able to live a life! to be able to walk out of the hospital and go home... In the past two year after all the times Anthony had been sick and the amazing strength that he has shown, these blood clots where going to take him? it was unfair....





The team set up another care meeting for 3pm the following day. My mom and I came home and tried to rest but we where at the hospital early that morning with Starbucks coffee in hand. It was on that Tuesday that I realized there was no way I could continue with summer quarter and prayed and prayed about what I should do and without a doubt in my mind did I end up dropping summer quarter, I had a letter from the Anthony's Social worker and Doctor. One of the girls on the Cancer floor named Louisa whom my mom and Anthony have gotten to know on the floor and loves all the little baby's. my mom wanted Louisa to be able to say goodbye to Anthony so we snuck her in the back to say goodbye, when I saw her cry and weep over my brother I saw a bond and love between them that still makes me cry, I will never forget sweet Louisa in that moment that was so tender, as she said goodbye I stayed with Anthony and just held his hand, crying out to God "WHY"... all I could do was look at his frail body and ask "WHY?" he has overcome transplant and was doing to sooooo well with all his transplant...it is and was soo unfair.... during rounds that day my parents made it clear to the doctors that they where not wanting to give up on Anthony and did not want them to either... we wanted to give Anthony any fighting chance..the tears of my father touched everyone there.. the Tears of my dad who for so long held up my mom as she cried touched me... the Tears of my dad where a fortress and showed everyone there we where not wanting to give up.






The day went on in a fog, we asked for Anthony's Favorite nurse to be at the care givers meeting and she was given a no pay...The love that Amy has for Anthony is beyond words and the love we have for her is beyond word... In so many ways she has become more that a nurse she has become a part of our family, a rock and a strong voice in advocating for Anthony's health. Another person that we requested was Dr, Anne who has also become a strong voice and has known Anthony since day one.. the commitment that she has to Anthony shows, she came in on her day off. As the care givers meeting came about we had no idea what was going to be said. when we first arrived there was a tension and heart ache that surrounded the table we all went around and stated who we where and all the different Doctors that stated that they could not do the surgery without him most likely passing on.







Then our hope came Dr, Mathews the top Hematologist at Children's said that she had been in contact with a colleague in Denver Colorado and together they created a care plan, the plan would be to give Anthony a drug called Fondaparinux that would be given by a shot every day and every other day he would be given some aspirin to thin his blood. The hopes in this treatment is to allow his collateral blood veins to form and mature without closing off. although little is known about this treatment Dr, Mathews colleague suggested this because of her work with other children who had clotting issue and it had worked. This treatment is not without risk.


On Anthony's Caring bridge I posted a post about the day and I ended it with this:

"God is still in the business of making miracles and although his road is long from over the hope we have for Anthony is enough to keep fighting."



In six weeks Anthony has made leaps and bound in his progress! he left the ICU within days of being extubated, he was talking, laughing and blowing kisses.. the strength and courage that Anthony has is amazing! To be able to hold him and know that we are on our last chance but yet so far we believe that the medicines it working... and the best news is.....


After 138 days in the hospital Anthony is coming home tomorrow!!



It is true, God is still in the business of miracle making



He is still here to prove it.

Beauty in the storm

A few months ago, I was really struggling with life to be honest who wants to see their two year old brother suffer?? I was in the middle of mid-terms and life was really stressful. This day was a Saturday afternoon in May and I sat down and opened the book "Captivating" (Which is amazing!) and read one of the last chapters that talks about how God shows us his love through his creation. As I sat reading this book I began to pray that God could begin to show me his beauty as I would go throughout my afternoon. to say the least God blessed me on this Saturday!!

When I was on my way home from the prayer meeting I got out of the car and saw the view of the city, I was awe stuck by Gods goodness... it was a small reminder that God is so much bigger than our problems and struggles. so much has happened and changed in the last three weeks.. I will give an update tomorrow!

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."- Ephesians 5:1-2

Lindsay

Love Letter From God

I don't even know what to say..my head is spinning and spinning..I am going on purely adrenaline right now...Anthony is not doing well by any means...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/anthonycox1/journal

that is probably the best way to keep up with whats going on with sweet Anthony..
It is a hard time right now and I know God will and is being glorified through Anthony's life I still pray and hope for that miracle to happen...

Dear Anthony,

I cannot believe it Anthony!! It has been two years since you have changed not only my life but mommy and daddy's too!! It still amazes me how strong you are! although you have been in the hospital for three months now, I know you are fighting and wanting to get out. I pray for you often Anthony although I am not able to always come up because of school and helping with Charlie and Mr, Feisty, there is not a moment that I am not thinking and praying for you! you are constantly on my mind. Anthony I pray that you continue to be strong. and get the rest you need. I Pray that the Doctors will find out what is going on with your little body and that Jesus can continue to heal your body. Baby brother you have come to far to not fight for your life. I think of the little four month old we saw two years ago and to see the sweet two year old and I know that God has performed a miracle! A miracle that is beyond our understanding.
Keep fighting sweet baby! Little Anthony you need to stop bashing and banging your head, it is not okay (Elmo would not be happy with you). I pray as you have surgery in the morning that we could receive good news and find out what is happening with your blood flow.. Anthony I cannot imagine life without you and I don't want to..May Jesus heal and protect your little body..

I love you sweet boy

<3
Sissy

"She's in the van"

two years ago our sweet "N" left my parents care, I still pray and wonder how she is doing!! It was nearly two weeks ago I was down in the laundry room and I looked up and saw her baby blanket..I was thinking to myself " I wonder how that sweet baby is doing?" and prayed for her...

well Today I was sitting on the couch checking my facebook and I saw a van pull up and a older man came to my front door speaking in broken English and he said her name and I looked out and saw sweet "N" standing in the passenger seat of the van and so I went outside, crying by this time because I realized what was going on..... After two years I was finally holding one of the sweetest girls..I told her that I loved her even though she did not remember me... and kissed her sweet hand...oh and the amazing thing is after she finally warmed up I started to play and tickle her. Her laugh and smile is just the same... She is one happy girl!!

It is hard to explain but once you have a foster placement in your home and they are there for a long term, the attaching and bonding happens. no matter how many children we have in our home. my family has chosen to love the child just as if they were our own children... well that leads us to fall in love with these children and when they leave they take a piece of our hearts with them that can never be returned. The love I had for N is still there two years later, I cannot help but remember, the four month old baby girl who came to our home to die and to three years later see her full of life, I cant help but cry tears of joy for this sweet girl..Her grandparents are the sweetest! I love how they speak Spanish to me, good thing I took Spanish in high school and collage!! it has paid off that's for sure... ha

finally

Today the Adoption social worker called...
We are getting closer to the finalization of Mr, Feisty!!!

:)

it has been a long two years but I cannot wait until he is ours forever and ever!!

in 9 months...

I will be having a baby...


Just kidding actually in nine months it will mark one of the biggest accomplishments in my life thus far. These past 3 years of attending the University of Washington have not come easy and no education should, but seriously my life seems as though it only gets more complicated and honestly hard. these past 3 years not only me but my family have been tested and tried, time and time again. often I feel as though I can't give my best to my school and be the college student that I want to be, but I have recently realized that I am learning lots and this learning is changing me and making me into the person God has called me to be. I am so thankful for the opportunity to attend the UW!! It is an amazing school and not to mention the best public University west of the Mississippi, not to brag but seriously I can be a little bit proud... :)

It will be in nine months that I will be done with my Undergraduate degree!!!! and honestly it is crazy how fast my time at the UW has gone. I remember going to my adviser's office and the first thing she said was "Lindsay, make sure you take advantage and enjoy college because it goes by so fast, before you know it you will be graduation" and let me tell you she was right. At the time I laughed but I now realized that she was so right.

Oh how I cannot wait to be done and move on with life.... I am almost done with spring quarter 2010 and it has been a rough and busy quarter. with Anthony in the hospital for the past 10 weeks and now he is he really sick in the NICU it has not been easy to keep up but for some reason I have a peace and know that everything will be all right with not only my grades but with Sweet Anthony... Then I am starting summer quarter in the middle of June. although it is a crazy time I have a peace and know that God will not give me more than I can handle.. with that I know everything will be alright!

Lindsay

21.

It has been a weird stage being 21
It's a time of change
It's a time where I am at that point in my life where I am almost done with college
It is a transitional time
it's a time where I am beginning to see myself done with the University and I see the next step in my life starting to come into action...
it is a time a renewal
it is a Time where I am starting to look forward to the next steps in life that God has for me, It has been a time of discovering and falling more in love with the savior who died on the cross, it has been a time of giving myself in full service and submission to the savior who created this earth..NO it has not been easy it has been hard having faith and fully trusting God with everything going on...
This time has been a time of visions and dreams that can only come a loving savior...

The most interesting part of being 21 is that I have had this REALLY strong desire to get married.. but not only to be married but I am beginning to look forward to the relationship with that Godly man God has for me...God has begun to reveal to me what it is to be a wife and what that looks like within marriage... It is scary and exciting at the same time..I have been spending alot of time in prayer about this subject just praying for me and whomever this man is...

I want to be made new

This weekend has been one of the most challenging and hard weekends in a long time..it has been a very testing and I am fully beginning to understand what it means to FULLY rely on God...

The doctor himself said that the line they got in Anthony was a miracle and I truly believe that my God is still living and active performing miracles 2010 years later as he did a long time ago!! I am truly AMAZED I cannot help but lift my hands in praise Jesus!!

I am not saying that this has been easy it has been fully relying on God in a time where we had no idea what was going to happen to him.. I do not think that I have cried to hard in a LONG time...

Lately it feels as though God has called me to grow closer to him I have often found tine in my busy schedule to take time for Jesus and have a time where I am praying and getting into the word. It feels so good to feel close to Jesus and to fully rely on him, I don't know how I am awake and running around joyful but I believe that Jesus is giving me an unspeakable joy that is making me strong and carrying me through a time where I should not be joyful but I am...

Today was a BIG day for me! when I was 13 I was baptized and I feel as though I understood what I was doing back them but I did not do the full water Emerson and I have felt as though God was telling me that I needed to do it. after a long week of not sleeping and feeling as though I was Jacob wrestling with God, I contacted my pastor. So today I got baptized and let me tell it feels great to listen and obey Jesus, it is so amazing!! When the pastor asked me what I was doing I said "Yes, I did the first time but I need to do it right". It was a powerful experience and tonight I feel at peace in knowing that I have made that proclaiming in front of my church family.

The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.
Psalm 28:7

wow..

I am at a lost for words...

somehow the doctors were able to get the Hickman line in that he needs in order to get the nutrition neccisary to get healthy...

it was coming down to if the doctors could not get this line in then we had no idea what was going to happen with sweet Anthony...

for the past two months the surgeons could not get this line in...
for for some reason God worked a mighty miracle because tonight....
Anthony has a central line that he needs right now...

2 months

It has been two months since Anthony went into the hospital...I would be lying if I said that I was not angry, mad, upset, lost for words, and just trying to make it through this time...it is ROUGH for sure..

he is one sick baby and to be honest he has not gotten any better in those two months, only worst...Today he is going into surgery to (HOPEFULLY) get a Hickman line in..it is REALLY crucial that he gets this line in not only for his health but he is in pain from being poked... THe surgeons have tried to get one in two other times before... hopefully the third times the charm!

It seems as if he starts to get better than he gets sick with something else, it is a really frustrating and daunting time.. My parents are TIRED and Weary of not being together and not knowing what is going on with their son.

Tonight or this morning I came home from ministry and I tried to sleep but I couldn't because I believe for the first time in two months it hit me what was going on. I was a mess trying to be fully present in the ministry while worrying and praying for my brother's current state of health...

Please pray for Sweet Anthony..

busy.

Baby Anthony has been in the hospital for the past 5 weeks and let me say it has been crazy at my house...so much has happened and continues to happen... I took today off from school so that I could rest and get caught up with my readings from school.. not to mention that we have all been busy!!

I seems like the weekends fly by and the week days go slower but still they fly by.... I just cannot wait until I am done with my classes this quarter!!! which is weird because I actually love my classes but I am looking forward to summer and warmer weather.... Seattle has been COLD and RAINY, it has been living up to its hype of being the rainy city...

well I should get back to reading!!! (I look forward to the days when I do not have to read but do it for fun)

-Please pray for Anthony that his body to be able to tolerate his feeds
-Mr, Feisty's adoption to start moving FASTER....

Get married, how to make it happen

One of the Blogs that I have followed for some time recommended a book titled "Get married, how to make it happen" by Candace waters. I usually don't go and buy books but It was cheap and the first pages I read where really insightful. this book changed my whole perception and thought about finding a future Husband and the quality's and expectations that I have.

before I read this book I had the idea of my "Perfect Husband", he was to have a college degree, church leader, love kids, love God, actively involved in ministry, want to adopt children in the future. in my mind this person was to be a person of perfection......my thought was that Education was important because I have worked so hard to get to the point and fought hard to earn my bachelors degree.

In so many ways I was wrong, yes he should love Jesus and want to be involved in ministry... but it is so much more than that...... one of the main points was was this,
Can we serve God better together than alone?

I had never thought of this but now I realize one of the main reason for being in a marriage is to love and be in relationship with each other, but the center of the marriage should be God.. together we should be able to serve God better than if we were alone..

Another point was that so many young women have these expectations that are so high that many women are finding themselves getting married later on in life (nothing wrong with that)... and then by the time they are 30 the marriage pool is so much smaller and in some sense all the "Good" men are already married. instead of having these expectations that are so high we should focus on two questions...

1, Would be a good Husband? -Could you see yourself honoring and respecting him
2, Would he be a good Father? - How does he act around/with kids

I thought this was important and I did not deep soul searching and realized that I have pushed guys away because I was focusing only on if they had an education or not... in reality I am glad that I am not together with him because I did not respect him or honor him.. I was 18..and it was my first boyfriend.. I have learned so much since then..

and of course I added:
3, Does he love God and want to serve him in his everyday life? -some kind of ministry, this is an important part of my life and I believe it always will some of this includes what does he believe in women leaders/pastors?)
I think that this is important because for one I am a women (Duh!!) but I don't want to be held back from the work/ministry God has called me to...
I do understand though that the man is the head of the house he is the leader and I need to submit myself to his authority and leadership..I get it.. but I would hope together we could work and pray for what God has planned for our lives...

I now realize that marriage is so much more than having an education I should not be asking myself, Does he have an education? but rather can I see myself honoring and respecting for how God created him? and if the answer is yes then the rest could be history..haha... In a sense that opened up so many more prospective future husbands by realizing that it is so much more than having an education...

this book I tell you is AMAZING!! I love it and in so many ways it has prepared me to get ready and to pray for my future husband as I wait.. I always told myself I would wait to get married until I graduated college and had a four year degree...well I am so much closer to having that degree and I think the "I want to get married" bug has hit me hard... as I realize that I am not getting any younger and friends are getting married all around me. does not make it any easier to wait..

In a Funk

To be honest I have been feeling down.. I am missing my brother and not knowing exactly what had been going on with him until today they finally started to treat him for GVHD after two weeks of being in the hospital... I am feeling down about serving with LNO and all the negativity I am receiving from others.... I miss EV I really do... My friends are having problems with their health and personal lives that it is weighing me down... I haven't been to church in 3 weeks because honestly I did not want to go but rather be at home and rest and be with mr, feisty's sister while she was here...also with church there was an issue and hurt feelings but thankfully I hope got resolved today in Gods timing not mine..I was just about to e-mail the person and ask that we meet together but I ran into her at wal-mart God's timing is better than my timing...not to mention starting spring quarter is not always easy with having a baby in the hospital... watching Mr, Fesity's sister leave has not been easy by any means.. all these situation are going on at once and I don't know how to process yet..

There is so much going on I feel like How can an amazing and grateful God use someone like me, broken and a mess.. it is so easy to act like everything is okay..but really it is not.. I cant hide that anymore.. I came to the conclusion that I am sick of myself... I am sick of my sinful human ways.... I am tired of only relying on my human strength because it has not gotten me far... I am sick of "Acting" like I am a super christian because honestly I am not...

I need to decrease so that he can increase in my life.

I need to spend more one on one time with God, I need to spend time before God and allow his word to meditate in my heart, to be honest I have not been doing that lately.. I love serving on LNO but it is hard to be out there and to see a reality of the lives that these precious women are living.. I want to cry out to God for the lives of these women and to see their lives transformed..

I went to a concert last Thursday and the lead singer of Mercy me was saying that it is so great that Jesus Loves us right where we are and accepts right where we are at.. such a simple message but powerful word.. I am so glad that I know a loving God that even in my mess and human ways he calls us his own...

At the concert was one of the new songs by Mercy me "All of Creation", it is an Amazing Song...and speaks to so much of what I am going through...

I get it..

"It doesn't matter who it is: You need to set them free and See how God can bring them back into your life."

It is so hard to let people go and see them move on. it was this time last year that I had to do just that. I wrote about this particular situation last year...Tonight I was on Facebook and I ran into a comment that someone posted.. and it stuck out to me... I immediately thought of EV.... I miss her but yet I have moved on and been healed by a loving and powerful God.It makes perfect sense...My human ways have caused me to loose one of my closest friends, my human ways of fighting and trying to communicate have failed... It is a reminder that God can do anything that my human mind is not capable of conceiving, if I choose to let go and see him work... it is that letting go and completely trusting God that someday this situation will be dealt with, that good will come out of this horrible ending to a friendship...

Randomness...

SO much has happened lately!! this is just random information of whats been happening

1, It is OFFICIAL!! Mr, Feisty is going to be adopted by my parents they have a big meeting coming up soon... he is such an amazing little boy and I will be so happy once he is my forever brother!!!! My parents are changing his name mostly for security reason... but his new name is CUTE!!! and fits him alot better

2, Mr, Feisty's sister moved to the mid-west last week...it was sad to see her go but I kept reminding myself that this was not a goodbye but a see ya later!! the day before she left we went on a girls date downtown and went to Ivar's and the aquarium..since well there is NO water where she lives..... I don't get how people can go their whole lives not living by any source of water.. when she left I have her a kiss and she insisted that if she was not going to attach herself to me and refuse to go with our social worker that I had a spin her around 5 times... so of course I did and then two extra because that is how old she is and because she is a special girl!! I have fallen in love with her in the three months that we had her on weekends.. I miss her but I know one day we will meet again and I will be able to give her hugs and spins!!!

3, This adopting Feisty has brought into out family an extended family and it is simple that our lives will never be the same.. we talk with feisty's sister at lease once per a week if not more.... these last couple times I have talked with feisty's aunt she is a nice lady... hopefully they can figure out skype soon so the kids can see each other....

4, I am so close to graduating college!!! I have 3 more quarters left!!! I will be done fall quarter... I cant believe it that I am almost done it seems like yesterday that I started..life is going by so fast I never thought I would make it through collage, the high school I went to did not prepare me at all to do the level of work that would be needed for collage. after three years I have it down pretty well!!! if I am not done fall quarter then it will be spring. my plans after that are to take maybe one quarter off and just rest and be with my family... but to also take time away from my busy life and reflect on where God desires for me to go next in life. I am thinking of this time as a sabbatical it has been a hard 4 years and more than ever I feel like I need to rest and recharge...
After that time of rest and renewal I am planning on attending community collage for about a year to get my Chemical dependency certificate and to complete a couple of classes that I will need for graduate school. when done with this I hope to work and gain some experience in the field.. after a couple of years I want to get my masters in Social work. this is what the plan is but I know all that it often does not go this way..I went to university to get my degree in Social work and ended up getting a degree in Sociology....

5, Anthony is back in the hospital after being out for three months..and the doctors have no idea what is going on..and honestly this stinks... I pray and hope that they find out soon I am praying that they do a biopsy of his gut and bottom..but we shall see..hopefully SOON

Lindsay

Its march???

oh my..
I cannot believe how fast February went by...
that means finals in 2 weeks....AHHHH

I just realized that it was February 2 weeks ago...oops. :)

but today is the day that we make it official and find out for sure if my parents are going to be adopting Mr, Feisty...to be honest I am nervous but I don't think at this point they would throw a curve ball and send him afar to his family in the mid-west... but then again it is the state of Washington...

These next few weekends are going to go and come... Mr fiesty's sister has been coming on the weekends for visit...and I have pretty much fallen in love....but besides that she is moving to her aunt and uncles in the midwest..in order for Mr Feisty to get to spend some quality time together she has been visiting every weekend for the past two weeks...she leaves the 18th of march which is....cough....my last final of winter quarter...Sometimes I don't know how I do it all but I do by the grace of God!! and maybe a little starbucks every now and then....

L-O-V-E

This sums everything up.... The verse from Corinthians is one that we hang up when we are out on the corner with the Girls... it is our wish that they could find true love that is in Jesus Christ...

The Littlest Soldiers

The Littlest Soldiers

Th​e medals on our chests
Are portacaths for meds
Helmets won't stay on
Cause no hair is on our heads.

Our weapons of destruction​
We take every day
We fight the battle within us
While we struggle on to play.

We fight with honor and courage
No marine could do as well
We are only little children
Liv​ing in this hell.

So bring on the medals
The Purple Hearts of Wars
The Gold Cross, The Silver Star
To place upon our scars.

For We are the Children of Cancer
No one has fought so hard
But every day we struggle on
Our LIFE is our reward.
​ by Cheryl Jagannathan​


This is so true! I think of Anthony as my hero. I remember the many times of chemo, surgery's, bazillion medicines that are helping to save his life (he still takes a lot), the sleepless night, and most of all I remember the struggle that this battle has been. we are far from over but little by little we are getting closer. Although we have kissed HLH (his blood disease) goodbye it is all but a distance memory. he is still not able to live a life of a normal 2 year old...but let me tell you the strength that he has is AMAZING!!! The strength that all kids have in order to fight these diseases is incredible. Just thinking about it brings me to tears because I have lived seen and experienced the emotions, the heartache, and small miracles that come along with this journey many call Cancer, although Anthony did not have cancer the only way to heal his disease is to give the same regimen as someone with cancer.

These kids are my hero's and if nothing else by walking beside my brother through his darkest moments in this journey have taught me to be strong and to not give up, to not loose hope..

Tomorrow Anthony reaches a HUGE milestone!! ever since Anthony has been in our care he has had either a central line or exterior picc line in either his chest or right arm.. He is doing SO well that the doctors now feel that he is healthy enough to get the line out.... honestly I am scared because the line he has in now is the last line that most likely the doctors will be able to get in because of all the blood clots that he has in his chest from the central lines. It is a big step in the right direction but once again, we cannot forget and wonder about the what ifs... The amazing part of this is that for the first time ever it will be so much easier to get him dressed, bathes, and to give him the chance to live a normal life without having to worry about pulling the picc line out!!!!

Anthony you are my hero!! I am so amazed at how far you have come since your transplant!!

Nimby (Not in my back yard)

H Thank goodness for the reminders that we are forgiven. This past Friday I was reading a book called "Renting Lacy" that really shows the life and troubles and life that a girl goes through as she is living the life as a prostitute. it is a heavy book. really good but I caught myself REALLY angry at men. The book points out why prostitution is still existing it is a simple economic term of supply and demand. there are men who desire to have sex so therefore there is a demand for women to full fill that. it caught me completely off guard but I was angry, I was angry at the devil for the liar he is. I still am. I am angry because it is not just a simple matter of supply and demand. I know the faces and the hardships that these women have to go through. simply I am hurting for them I am angry that there are men out there using and abusing women for their body's. These men are all types of different men races, cultures, ages, heights, single, married men, different social economic classes you name it they are out there... and simply I am pissed off that they are out there.

but I know they still need Jesus they t hemselves deserve and need to know the love that Christ has. No one night stand or 20 minutes of pleasure can full fill the lifetime of pain that they are feeling. The loneliness and lust that drives these johns (A john is a person who is seeking to pay money in order for exchange for a sexual act) out there night after night. The person who can change these men is Jesus, I think they seriously need a holy woopin from the heavenly father. I think of the wife's that are at home. wondering where their husbands are. I think of the diseases and pain that those wives are exposed to. the innocent lives that are lost. The family's that are broken because of the reason that drives these johns.

Human trafficking is real it is a BIG issue. it is real it is just not in 3rd world country's it is in America people say NIMBY (Not in my back yard) but I can simply tell you, yes it is. It is our American girls who are mostly involved in the life in America.

My prayer is that God will step on the scorpions and snakes that is out there on the streets and that Prostitution will forever go away in the United states. I believe it could happen. Prayer changes life's, knocks down walls, raises the dead, heals the sick, and many other things that our human. Minds minds can even begin to Image.

Happy 2nd birthday!!!

Dear Anthony,

I remember like it was yesterday hearing about a sweet four month old that was sitting in the hospital. He was a sick baby and the doctors had no idea if he was going to make it. The only chance that he would have to live is if he received a bone marrow transplant. I remember when mommy told me about you I started crying because for some reason I felt your pain and I fell in love with you. I had not seen a picture of you or heard your sweet laugh but Anthony it was in that fudge shop as mommy was telling me about meeting you for the first time. I fell in love with the miracle and life that you were then and still are today.



I got home that night from a weekend retreat and begged mommy to bring me up to the hospital to meet you for the first time. It seemed like it took forever to get there but finally we did. I remember seeing your laugh and smile, the pain you where in was no joke either but you fought hard to stay alive. It did not take long for all of us to fall completely in love with. I mean head over hills you have mommy, daddy, and me wrapped around your fingers, you my dear where simply AMAZING!! no words could express. the time I knew you where going to be a keeper is when daddy and I came to visit and it was so hard to walk away from your hospital room. I felt guilty leaving you. it wasn't soon after that that the doctors and nurses started to ask when we where going to start spending the night with you. it didn't take long Anthony, mommy and daddy worked out their schedules so that one of them would be up at the hospital with you at all times. You know whats amazing little man? is that 2 years later, whenever you go into the hospital we work it out so that someone is with you while you stay in the hospital!!!



In a matter of days you changed our family! it was still not easy seeing you so sick. Having to go through chemotherapy and take all the medicines to keep you alive. We knew of the transplant you would have to have but we took you in because we knew you needed a family, but really Anthony we saw you and could not walk away from you, we loved with a love that can only come from a loving God. we loved you because we knew God was calling you to be in our family. we also loved you because who couldn't you were seriously the cutest little guy!!



Looking at you two years later brings tears to my eyes thinking about the first days that you came to be in our family. It is amazing to see how such an AMAZING God could entrust us to such a fragile and precious gift. I am amazed and thankful to be your big sister, in so many ways I feel like you have taught me lessons. I also can not deny the fact that I love it when you call my name! or when you put your hands up in the air waving them like you just don't care!!! wanting to be picked up... I also could not love more the fact that you love pajamas and have recently found where your pj's are in your dresser and bring them to us to put on you. I also could not love more the contagious laugh and smile that you have. when you tell us to be quite, you put you finger in your nose and say "SHHHH"... whenever something happens that you don't like you say "Darn it" or just in general to anything that happens..... or when we ask you questions you actually know what we are talking about and can respond with a simply "yeah" or "No" in the sweetest voice....



what am I trying to say? I love you Anthony Wesley and I am so glad that you have been brought into our family through adoption there is no other way I would have wanted to meet you!! I wish you never had to go through all that pain and sickness but Anthony you have fought the roughest battle of your life and made it!! so keep living life and I pray that one day you will become the young man that God has created you to be.



Happy 2nd Birthday!!


Love,
big sister

good news!!!

I heard some news...I thought I would share



The word is unofficial..



but rumor has it



that this Four year old



Is going To



Be adopted by my parents!!!

I will dance,

I will dance like David danced!!

that's all I can say no more, no less....... can't go into details yet...but lets just say for the first time in MONTHS I feel a sense of relief...I felt burdens be lifted off my back....

Can I just say, God is so good??

I cant wait to post about probably the most amazing news!!! :)
if all goes well and the plans do not change.....
God is still good even if things don't go as planned...

why one should not pole dance

so last Thursday I had to stay at school late to make a long story late I ended up wandering through scary downtown Seattle to the ministry, where I volunteer out...........and I was with my two supervisors for the late night program...... well we where talking about how now days girls in college are doing pole dancing and it is the "Cool" thing.....apparently both of them have seen this video before and got on the computer ......and let me tell you all three of us where laughing so HARD !!!

This video is HILARIOUS!!

Happy belated 4th birthday

Dear Mr, Feisty

How can I express my love for you little man? As I look at you I see a little boy who has been restored and healed in ways that only God can do! you came to us so small and petite, you are still small but your heart is BIG!!!! you show me what it is to be joyful

when you came to us you would barely talk and now your words amazing me! what you know and express everyday brings a smile to my face!! your new saying is "Lindsay I need you" and of course I can not deny that!!! because you are just so cute! Oh and who could not smile when you put your arms around me and give me hug saying " my Sissy" yes you are a charmer!!

You are such a Joy I have enjoyed being a part of your life and to witness a miracle happen right in front of my eyes... My prayer for you buddy is that God can continue to heal and protect you. Mostly that God can continue that work that he has started in you at such a young age.. we don't know whether we will be your forever family but we will always pray for you and think of you no matter what happens. The one thing I want for you is that you grow up to be a man of God and you would give your whole heart to him. Feisty, I pray that you will lay all your burdens down at the foot of the cross...

Happy Birthday sweet boy!!!

Love you,
Sister

it's a battle out there

It is amazing how God works....what the devils means for harm and destruction...can draw you closer to the almighty savior.... Last Thursday in my update I wrote:

"I am feeling like tomorrow night is going to be busy, this is a spiritual warfare that is going on but prayer is the most powerful weapon that we have as Christians"

I had no idea how true this would become the next night as I was on outreach. we were stepping on territory and crossing boundaries that have not been passed thus with the men's ministry they were preaching and opening up in ways like never before to the two B and D who are the men's leaders who work in the pimp outreach ministry. they were stepping and breaking ground it was amazing to hear.

Some of our Girls had exciting news, it was a slow night but we prayed and had community on that corner... most of the girls left the streets and went home because of the increased police activity. it was amazing to see. it was a totally different night then the other nights that I have been out.

We left the streets about 2:20 went back and closed up in prayer. D was giving B and I a ride home. all the way to B's house they were laughing with joy because of the amazing ground and progress they have made they said it was like a break through that they had been praying for...

fast forward about 15 minutes later and D and I were at a stop light it had turned red to we were stopped, about a minutes later it turned green and then out of NOWHERE a car came and flew into the back of D's car and we went flying in the intersection, D couldn't put his feet on the break but thankfully he had automatic lock in his car. we sat there breathless and without words.

we were shaken up I reached into my pocket of my coat and called 911 at that point I only felt a little pain but D automatically felt the pain and could barely move. I asked for the emergency cars to come. we sat in the car just waiting finally, finally after about 10 minutes aid and police cars came.

The cars behind us was a mess it was crashed all the way to the window shield and D's car is a brand new car and unfortunately is totaled. I called D's wife letting her know of the accident, called again then she got it and woke up. I finally called my dad letting them know having him come to the scene of the accident. at that point I was shaking and really not in any pain I was worried about D getting out of the car safely, the car being taken care of, D's wife knowing where he was going to be at, getting all of his valuables out of his car... lets just say I was being me making sure that everything else was taken care of before I took care of myself..

about 35 minutes after the accident I was standing there shaking and freezing cold like never before I started to feel the pain and decided to seek medical attention... I hopped into the aid car and within 5 minutes my neck, back, and head where hurting with pain like I have never felt. I was still shaking... we had to wait for a back bored to come because apparently you have to be on one if you seek air after an accident.. "It is standard procedure"... finally they came and they strapped me to a bored and at that point I had a neck brace on. I was sitting in the car and I told D, "This feels like a dream" he said "I know it has happened so fast" mind you it was 3:30 in the morning when the accident happened...

I will never forget laying on the stretcher and God showing me, "Lindsay this is how the girls feel, they feel like they are stuck in bondage".. It amazes me still that in that moment he chose to show me what it was like.. It was real and I felt the pain they were in.. The bondage and helplessness that they are experiencing, as they are living this life. it was painful and it has brought me to my knees even more.

As we rode in the ambulance D said that is felt like we were riding on a sleigh backwards... lets just say we were tied and in pain, but we were laughing hard I don't remember about what but we were laughing.. At one point I said "Stop making me laugh it hurts to much" and we just laughed more. It is true that the Joy of the lord it your strength!!

as we got to the hospital I was shaking still, it turns out I was in complete shock and my temperature was dropping rapidly.

after x-rays, blood test, urine test, other test that are to uncomfortable to talk about... we were set free to go home.. ALL we have severe neck and back whip lash..... and let me say it is painful but I have to give God the glory because it could of been a lot worst than what it is. I have stayed home all week to rest and recuperate from the injury's. unfortunately for us and the other guy he had no car insurance... which in the end D's insurance will go after the other driver. it is sad but their is a reason you have car insurance.. although it cost to much and usually nothing happens, it is for that one time when something does happen.....

It would be easy to cry and scream at God as to why this happened but I have to say it was an attack it was meant to bring us down. it is an attack on D because of the places he is taking the church, with work and late night outreach with the guys....and on me because of how God is working and changing my life. it was clearly an attack but to be honest it has helped me to see God in a much clearer way and know that this is what he wants me to be doing. there is so much going on and with ministry and school....

It is a reminder that their is a spiritual battle going on with peoples life, and when we are going to reach out and claim Gods glory by building life changing relationships we are going to be attacked but we can not let that stop us.. it is only a confirmation like I said that God needs us to be working in our citys.

I need to head to bed it hurts to sit to long... but I am excited to get back out there but my supervisor has already made it clear that I am not allowed to go out this friday.. I am going to stay at home and pray!! Because honestly I love being out there, although I almost cry everytime out of compassion God has given me a heart for those women.