WE ARE ALLLLLLL home... that is right. after 16 days A-man came home tonight...dont know how long he is going to be home, (he is being tested to see if he has and B cells, which he doesn't, so basically he is going to keep getting blood cells until they start giving him hemoglobin's, but more test have to be taken...for now he is home and healthy!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am soooooo thankful that all of us are going to be together on thanks giving this year!!!.... for now I am going to bed... knowing that everyone his home and not at the hospital...at least for tonight.......

guess who is coming home today?????? after 16 days of being in the hospital..... and being the most amazing 9 month old baby... A-man is going to spend his first thanks giving at home!! oh how thankful I am for God, because we thought that was not going to be able to come home before the hospital..but he is!!

so my hope is that A-man will be home for a long time..as long as his little body can not get blood infections.............. and stay healthy... so this time around I think my mom is going to cover all his lumen's with this water shield that we use to give him a bath in hopes that he wont get any blood infections soon........

PRAISE GOD!! our little miracle is coming home for thanks giving.. I know I am thankful to be with family!

Visiting
by Coley Strickland

My innocent and sweet baby boy,
I knew you could bring me so much joy.
But you deserved more than just love alone,
So my gift to you was a mom, a dad, and a stable home.

We talked and thought open adoption seemed to be the best,
Little did I know that my soul it would test.
I am told that it was a loving choice,
And I know your mom and dad look at you and rejoice.

We would have the chance to see each other,
And you the opportunity to know your brother.
This seemed to be the best thing for you
I just didn't know how hard it would be to follow through.

Each visit with you can be so tough
I never knew loving you would be so rough,
I hear you say "Mama" and realize it's not meant for me
I silently shed tears you can not see.

I watch you playing and walking
I listen as you never stop talking!
We play and have so much fun
But I don't think you realize you are my son.

Oh no, it's time to say goodbye
I fight back the tears as I want to cry
The goodbyes are always the hardest part
I always dread them right from the start.

My heart hurts; I love and miss you so
And I wonder if you miss me every time I go.
Between our precious visits and time spent with each other
I hope you will always remember the love of your birthmother.




I found this poem online and it made me think Of Charlie's Birth mom, and I am thankful for my Aunt J, for allowing us to adopt Charlie and I know it is SO hard to leave him, but the courage I see in her and the pain that she has been through since Steve died, I pray for her, and I hope that Charlie will one day know that he is truly loved, I don't care what my mom's family thinks about my Steve's wife, I don't care what anyone thinks or what hap pend when Steven died, or who mis played with what..., what I am thankful for is Charlie's birth mom, for carrying him and having a relationship with him, I know it is hard cause every time you see Charlie, you see a mirror image of Steven....but what a gift Charlie is, that last thing that steven asked me the night before he dies was "will you take care of my son?" and I told him "Alwaays uncle steve"... it was like he knew that Jesus was calling him home and wanted to know Charlie would be taken care of... I get a tear in my eye everytime I think of the wedding that took place the night before steve passed. this poem reminded me of Aunt J and what she must feel everytime she comes for a visit to see charlie and really reminds me of the importance of open adoption, of allowing the child to see their birth mom....







It is amazing how much they look alike, but my hope for my brother is that he knows he is his own person and that God can reign in his life.... I am so thankful for my cousin who became my forever Brother....

So I dont usually post two blogs in a row, but I did...this is my blog so I can do what I want!!! worship, what is it??????????? why has God allowed us to worship him?? why is it that so many people think of worship as singing on sundays at church, and that is the only time we truely worship him??

Worship is more that our sunday's at church, it is the times when we are giving our all to Jesus, truely gazing in awe of what and who God is, it is when we are on our knee's crying at the foot of the cross, it is when we are broken for Jesus.. it is when we are being honest with him, it is when we are vulnerable to his will, it is when we lift up our hands and surrender all to him, knowing that we can't do it alone.... Worship is when when we walk through our daily lives asking him to do his will in our personal life...

why am I talking about worship? when I was in Thailand 2 years ago I really learned what worship was, it was when I truely say who God is, and how to worship God that is not on in the sunday morning service with people singing... this video really sums it up, what worship is and why is was created... the main thing I got from this video is, IT IS NOT ABOUT US IT IS ABOUT HIM!!

This is simply: TOOOOOO CUTE!

On days like today all I have to remember is that God created me, and everything that I am doing is for his Glory, even if that means forgetting Deodorant at home, and realizing once I got to the hospital I totally forgot it..... now I am finding alternatives... like hand gel... hey it works as great deodorant!!!

On days like today, when the baby is in protest of the many different exercises that the Physical therapist showed me, all I have to do is look at him and see the miracle baby that he is, even when he does not want to sleep....and only be held..all I have to do is remember that I am blessed to be holding this miracle baby......

On days like today, I fall more in love with my soon to be forever brother by making a bond that cant be broken

On days like today, Jesus captivates me with what he is doing in this world, and what he is doing in the lives of young children.... knowing that he has not forgotten about them

On days like today, my love and patients grows stronger, and my heart yearns to seek after Jesus....

on Days like today, Coffee was my hero but Tully's was not...

On days like today, I wish that A-man was home so that all 6 of us can be together....

On days like today.... I am thanking God, because A-man does not have, the rare disease the haematologist thought he had....

On days like today, I know my savior is at work..... and is at work in the life of A-man, healing him and making him stronger...

He's my son By mark Schultz

I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs your help
I've done all that i can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure you can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill up her eyes

Chorus~
Can you hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see him?
Can you make him feel all right?
If you can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See he's not just anyone
He's my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there

Chorus

Can you hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see him?
Can you make him feel all right?
If you can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See he's not just anyone
He's my son

Can you hear me?
Can you see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son

A-man is not my son but he is my brother and soon to be hopefully forever brother when my parents adopt him.... , I often Find myself on my bed side praying for him, praying that he can be healed from HLH, that he wont feel any pain from going through Chemotherapy... ... praying and pleading for his life.......but sometime I don't exactly see what God is doing for A-man but I know he has worked miracles... many many miracles in this young baby's life... but still I am often crying out to God "can you hear me? do you hear our prayers??..every time he goes back to the hospital.... every time we get lab results.....

God do you hear our prayers? do you see him? do you hear his cry in the night when he cant sleep because he is sooo sick?? God can you please allow A-man to be home for more than 9 days???? can you keep his body healthy until transplant??? I know you can...

on a side note, when my parents adopt A-man....his adoption color is going to be blue...okay so for a short story when my parents adopted charlie, the week before I had a brilliant idea and have everyone to wear orange..it was just plain fun and a way to celebrate the wonderful gift of my parents adopting Charlie...so of course I said "Mom, what is A-man's adoption color going to be??" and she said "blue".....oh I hope that we get to adopt him........

This morning I was browsing through my e-mails and stumbled upon this one listed below, and it pin point some main things that I was thinking about the church and being human, we all go through trials and tribulations and don’t really understand something’s and most of all we mess up, but the thing is that in the church we often try to cover that and be the “Perfect people” by putting on a I am holy and perfect mask, I admit it I do it, but recently I have been really trying to be honest with myself and be open with people about the areas of my life that I am not perfect. My favorite part of the e-mail was this: “the fact that the Holy Spirit is leading people into being open even about the not so good areas of our life is for me a big green light of hope into an amazing future of blessings and revival”. So I am going to say it bold and loud, I AM NOT PERFECT AND I MESS UP… it is not like I have done anything wrong lately it is that I am human I make mistakes I get frustrated, I have troubles and drawbacks in life… and I want to be open about it and stop covering it up trying to put on a mask. Last year when I was walking from class to my Dorm, I was praying and asked God what he was doing with me, what plans he had for me, and what he wants for my life and he told me “Lindsay, I am breaking you to perfection”…and that is all he said… do I know exactly what he meant? No I don’t...but what I do know is that he is challenging me and is working with me…he is breaking me to perfection, I will never be perfect but I can strive to follow God and listen to his calling in my life…



. . . And I am getting really happy about it! We all have troubles, and drawbacks, and frustrations, and a lot of times we mess up! Actually, it seems sometimes we mess up big time! Yet it seems to me that we are not trying to hide it. This does not mean we are to bask and relish on our having problems and become proud of our messes, but the fact that the Holy Spirit is leading people into being open even about the not so good areas of our life is for me a big green light of hope into an amazing future of blessings and revival.

Why revival? How does revival relate to messed up people? People who have all their ducks in a row, leading aseptic perfect lives with no hiccups or surprises seem to develop a life that does not expect; the expectancy factor is lost. Would this be the reason why God seems to have a knack for unlikely people: boy do we have hope then!

The law of Entropy states in a nutshell that the universe tends to move to a state of order. Now, this that sounds so good is not, not really. The state of perfect order is achieved when everything is dead!

Look at this church: One had a row with another about aspects of ministry. Another did not get involved for fear of what someone else would say. Yet the other totally shunned and shut out his fellow minister rejecting him. They have a messy situation with the fellowship with some ladies complaining against another group of ladies. Some were praying and when the answer came they did not believe it. One was advised not to go, but he got himself into trouble because he did not hear. Another time one was taken to court but his fellow church members and ministers left him alone with no help. Some complained very harshly because one was asking for financial help for the ministers. Some were trying to use money to buy gifts. They were divided. They argued about doctrine. They exasperate each other at times. Many times they hurt each other with attitudes and words. Yet all the time people were blessed, saved, healed, restored, transformed, and the Holy Spirit moved big time with them!
Wow! And that was the most powerful church in history: the church in the New Testament! I do not want to come to church to meet masks as if every week we have a Venice Carnival going one for a few hours. I want a church with real people, not one where everybody wears a mask that hides the real "me" or the real "you". Some put on a mask of "all is well" and some put on a mask of "please pray for me", yet others put on a mask to say "oh how concerned I am" while the few that dare show themselves in their real-reality are usually frowned upon.

I want a church of Pauls, who messed up his ministerial relationships; and of Peters who play with the wrong crowd at times; and of Phillips that doubted, were rebuked and drawn back to faith: and all that action happened within the inner circle of Jesus; they failed but remained real close to Jesus. Too long to mention all the others because I would have to mention hundreds.
I want a church of messed ups who simply linger in the same room where Jesus is: for then there is hope for that church and for the city where that church is planted.
Moving toward a move of God

Rev. J. Conrad Lampan RevivalHighway Newport - Wales - United Kingdom

Today is international Adoption day...well for 6 more minutes....it is such an amazing gift that adoption is... It has me reflecting on Charlie's Adoption and how the whole process happened so fast.. it was so interesting having my cousin become my brother but I am glad that he did...not only by law but by God entrusting my parents to take care of him for LIFE... I am so thankful for him and for the blessing that he has been.... I remember his small little body when we got him, rocking him for hours, talking to him, and gazing upon his wonderful smile... I am so shocked that he is already 5......... and to see him become the young child that God created to be!!!

When my parents were adopting Charlie I found this Poem and I have loved it and cling ed to it........

Today I kissed an angel I knew it from the start the first time that my angel smiled at me I gave away my heart
today I kissed an angel this angel child of mine though not of my creation my child by God's design
Today I kissed an angel my heart is dancing wild our family, by a miracle blessed by our angel child

God is sooo amazing!!! this month is a big month.. two years ago this month my parents became foster parents, it was 5 years ago that charlie came into kinship care, it is the month that our sweet neveah was born and also the same month we found out we would have to let her go, it is the month that we also found out that MY FAMILY IS GOING TO ADOPT A-MAN!!! yes that is right!! his mother is agreeing to let us adopt him.... I am in awe that God would trust us with him and most of all his birth mom!!!!! I am so joyful and have been dancing!! although this past four months have been hard of having to be in and out of the hospital with A-man...there is the fact that we get to adopt him!! I am so joy full when A-man becomes a James!!!! woot woot!! I will have another brother!!!

Tonight Mr, Feisty stole the show at a foster parents info meeting trying to get new people to become foster parents, he is soo stinking cute most of all his new word DOOOON'T........
but I am so excited that through this Journey of being a foster family we able to adopt this baby boy who is by any means supposed to be here on this earth today but God has kept him around and has given him a family to love him.. it is soo amazing what a little love can do...

Thank you Jesus!! for allowing me to be his Forever sister!!!

Today was the best holiday ever! I know we don't really celebrate veterans day or do anything out of the ordinary but today was a day that I got to spend with my family yes it started of rough but it turned out to be the best day! we went out to eat Chinese food, went shopping and went to our friends house to eat ice cream, I took the best nap ever and went to go see A-man and my mom..... it was a full day of events and of fun with my brothers and grandma.. and yes I should of been studying but I didn't feel guilty not doing my homework. on our way to the Hospital charlie had the following conversation with my that made laugh so hard:

Charlie: (Giggles in his cut innocent voice) Lindsay, I want to be a girl

Lindsay: Why?

Charlie: So that I can carry a purse

Lindsay: You don't need to be a girl to carry a purse, daddy carries a man bag

Charlie: Oh he does?? so do you have a women bag??

Lindsay: Yes charlie I do.. I have women bag..

the ideas that little children get and the ideas of what people can and cant do are learned at such an early age... my five year old brother shouldn't have to put the boundaries of what he should or should not do based on gender.. but he is an amazing kid.. today he was just a JOY!! we also had the following conversation..
Lindsay: Charlie you want to go out for pho instead of Chinese

Charlie: oh great.. sure lets go

Lindsay: Okay are you sure?

Charlie: actually no I want to go to Chinese food

Grandma: we can come back another day!!

Charlie: we can come back for dinner and I will pay

Lindsay and Grandma: who is going to pay?

Charlie: ME!!!!!!!

Lindsay: do you have money?

Charlie: yes I mean no.... I can barrow money

Grandma: where you going to get it??

Charlie:hey Lindsay can I borrow money???

he is so amazing!! and I love my brother just the personality and the love that he has for everyone.......... as we were heading up to the hospital he grabbed a book that mom could read to him for his goodnight story.. it broke my heart when he gave mom the book and had her read it to him.. of course she read the BEST STORY!! the cat in the hat......

The doctors still do not know what is going on with A-man, I believe and still have faith that somehow someway A-man will be home for thanksgiving.. if not we will have thanksgiving at children's Hospital!!!! it is amazing how the nurses treat my family!! I think A-man has this bug that every time someone looks at him they just want to grab him and they fall in love! one of the nurses my mom has become close to and has offered to put together a meal sign- up to bring my parents food for whoever is in the room.. how amazing is that?? living at children's is hard and being separated is hard but I know God has his hand in all of this, his will in the end will be full filled.. the countless number of conversations with nurses learning of all the connections that we have with them, seeing them work and take care of A-man, seeing their love and passion of how they cared for A-man when he had no family to stay with him.... I remember my first time visiting A-man in the hospital and his dresser was FILLED with clothes and and crib decorated with toys and stuffed animals that we either bought or we later found out nurses took toys from the operating room and snuck into his crib. I am blessed to see them and to know that they are taking care of A-man... it sucks being there to be honest but at least we are surrounded by people who care and who love A-man... we like to play a game called where is A-man?? the time that the game starts is whenever we fall asleep or leave the room.. the object of the game is to locate A-man on the floor and to guess which nurse has A-man!!!!!he is blessed baby and I am thank full that he has come into our lives!!!

(Charlie with a picture of his doctor who is famous and AMAZING!! he is the best of the best and his picture is all over the hospital...)

Last but not least we decided that we wanted to treat ourselves to a litte snack and took this picture!! charlie reached his hands around us and said " It is so nice to spend some time with my best buds!!!" the picture isnt the greatest but It is sooo cute!

Today was one of those days that I just didn't want to do anything but just stay at home and read books wishing that A-man and my mom were home.. I kept checking A-mans bed to make sure he wasn't there....... I knew he wasn't....He was back in the hospital because he has 2 different types of blood infections.. and the Doctors don't know where they are coming from.. I think they are from his central line but I am no doctor by any means..... I kept looking all day for A-man.... just hoping that he would somehow appear in his bed.. but he didn't....... I wish I had a super power to heal all the children who are suffering from diseases but I don't.. but I Serve a God that can I believe that A-man can be healed, although it seems like my prayers are not being answered I know God hears them.... I know he hears the prayers of my parents.... I know he hears the prayers of his people..... I just need to have faith and not be afraid of what God has planned for my Brother... it is so hard to put all my trust in God when A-man keeps going back to the hospital after coming home.....I just want to cry out to God and ask him WHY DOES THIS BABY HAVE TO SUFFER.... why does he have to have HLH?????????????? why him? why do these little children have to be in so much pain?? why cant they have their childhood?? the hardest time is after chemo, the three days of steroids that he goes on and get road rage.... yea that is when I am screaming WHY HIM?? cause we don't have sweet little A-man oh no..he doesn't come back for a full 3 days.... I think throughout this journey that my family is on with A-man I want Jesus to be glorified he is still the same God and his will be done in A-mans life.. I sometimes with that I could do it all my own but I cant I am only human... But God can.. he do all things!!! A-mans bed at home is empty But I know one day he will be home for know I will visit him in the hospital only wishing, I could pull a code pink and take him home but I cant......it is kind of scary I think my parents and I could walk that hospital in our sleeps.. oh the wonderful adventures of the hospital

This is my first not me Monday!!!

I absolutely did not Go with my mom and dad to a tavern because that would be just illegal... and to eat the most amazing pizza, I did not ponder the idea of how old I am getting because next year I wont have to sneak in.. I totally did not have a tear in my eye when my mentor's friend sang a song filling up the whole tavern.. I totally did not feel the God's spirit as I was sitting there..I did not come home from the dessert and start to fill out the application so that I can become a volunteer at my dad's work

I do not miss my mom and A-man as they are sitting at children's hospital...and thinking about how I could pull a code pink..

I did not ignore Mr feisty smelly pants for 2 minutes only hoping that my dad would change it..but in the end I did it anyways .. darn it!!!!!

I did not almost miss my bus to school today because I wanted to meet Mr feisty man's social worker..

I did not wonder this week how my fish tank got so clean only to realize that it was soo dirty that all the dirtiness went to the bottom of the tank...

I did not hide away gum in my room so that Charlie wont find it!!

I did not do any of the above.. Nope not me!

(From the photoshoot, his PERFECT FEET)

A-man is home once again!! he was not a happy camper today.. we did everything but he was definitely being a chemo baby.. but tomorrow he will be acting happy and get to see and enjoy his two front teeth that have recently come in!!! Tonight I have been pondering the question, Am I scared for A-man to get healed? because if he does we have no idea what will happen to him, and I have to admit that if he did get healed from his disease and didn't need a transplant, no more chemo, what would happen to him??? would he have to leave us and return to his hometown? would my parents not be able to keep him? it is all the what ifs, and simply pure selfishness of wanting to keep this precious baby that God has blessed us with, it is for my own self pity that I haven't fully prayed for healing over this baby, but I cant do that. I know God can heal this baby, and to place him in Gods hands knowing that whatever happens in A-man's is in God's will.......... so Now I am going to Pray for healing and know that God can heal A-man from HLH... and any other illnesses that he has.. I know that whatever happens God is the same God no MATTER what happens with A-man, and yes I do wish for him not to have to feel the pain, this little guy has been through so much, from talking to the doctors telling us that when he went to the hospital that they thought he was not going to make it, A-man is a fighter, he is a sweet baby, and I honestly don't want to see his medical bill.. when we my mom found out about A-man, he had been in the hospital all by himself for 3 months... now he is a different baby, he likes to be held certain ways, bounced, does not like to have his diapers dirty, he loves his wubnub http://www.twobluepeas.com/m-20-wubbanub.aspx, oh and that has to be a certain way, staring at his perfect baby feet, him reaching up to have his hand kissed, the way that he smiles it melts your heart and makes you forget about the Chemo that just happened the week before. this baby truly has the hand of God on his life, he is simply and wonderful by baby brother that I dont want to let go of, but I needto put all of my wants and needs and put them Gods hands and to begin to pray for total healing over this Baby.........

on another note I has a meeting with my academic advisor and we talked about everything that happened with my college mentor and it was a really good talked she told me I was not wrong for not wanting to work with her anymore, I am truly blessed to Go to the University that I go to and to find such a strong Christian to talk to. we talked for two hours about everything that was going on, from what classes, who we are voting for, getting into the school of social work, my brothers, last summer. it was a meeting that truly made my willingness to stay at the UW and to not run away because I felt violated from one person..... but this week hopefully I get to have a meeting with the person who is in charge of my scholarship,and talk about my possible options of what to do.. I truly feel like I want to stay at UW and wait it out........... Because God did not give me the vision of attending the UW to just quit like that...

So this month my Goal is to continually pray for A-man and for God to work in his life and to be thankfull to God for everything that he has given me and my family as we continue on this road of being a foster family... I just realized that is has been exactly 2 years since we started this journey and have had 14 babys in the process!!!