Adoption #3

Mr, Feisty's Adoption date is next Friday! he is an amazing four year old and I cannot wait to officially introduce Mr, Feisty although he has been in our care it is amazing to know that he is going to stay here forever!! he fits into our family so well.. it is hard not to fall in love with him

I am so excited and I cant help but have a tear in my eye as I think of the journey that he has been on. I remember the small fragile 2 year old and today Feisty is a strong and yes still small but simply AMAZING boy! most of all I am glad that I will be his forever sister!

I love you Mr, Feisty!!

oh and in the midst of preparing for his adoption Anthony made it home yesterday!! after 140 days!

Lindsay

dang it..

As sweet Anthony loves to say when things don't go his was...... Dang it...

We are not coming home today due to the household being hit with a case of the 24 hour flu....... I had it Saturday morning to Sunday morning... and today charle, my mom and Mr, feisty have it..

We are hoping to bring Anthony home next Monday after the house is clean and sanitized with bleach from the floor to the roof.

DANG IT

The last 6 weeks...

Wow!! what a past month and a half it has been! I started this summer off taking 12 credits at my college everything was going great! I was going to accomplish my summer goal of completing my greatest fear.... Statistics... everything started out fantastic!!! In fact I loved that class, my other class was also amazing and I loved it to be honest my schedule for summer quarter could not been any better... it is when everything is going great and you don't listen to that small still voice telling you not to take summer classes, but I did it anyways



About a week after I started summer classes I came home from school and sat on the couch, within five minutes my father called on the phone stating that my mom and I needed to arrive at the hospital because we needed to make some decisions about Anthony's... let me tell you we stormed out the door crying and driving to the hospital..it felt like 20 hours to drive 9 miles to Seattle Children's hospital. My dad sounded scared but would not tell us what was happening...






By this point Anthony had been in the Intensive care unit for a month due to the puffing up in his face from the blood clots in his chest, so much that we almost lost Anthony if had not been in-tubated when he had then within 30 minutes he would of passed, test and ultrasounds showed that Anthony's blood veins where clotted off but they had some medicines that the doctors could try but they where not without risk... the first medicine is known as TPA, which it it like roto rooter for your blood vessels cleaning and breaking down the clots. The tpa worked in his legs and some with helping to allow a small amount of blood flow to go through the blood clots. Anthony had just got off of his second round of TPA and we where under the impression that morning that if the TPA didn't work then we where faced with having to sign off on the surgery that Anthony would have a 50/50 chance of making but most likely he would pass on the table, we knew this before showing up to the hospital but the reality of how sick he was would sink in.



when we arrived at the hospital my father pulled out a picture that showed Anthony's veins and the blood clots where still completely blocked the flow of blood and the collateral veins that where forming but then closing off..what we were looking at was a picture showing us that Anthony would not be able to sustain or live life without a miracle..that night was a hard and sad night... our pastors, friend Becky, and aunt and Uncle came to visit Anthony.. we prayed over his body laying our hands on him asking God for our miracle... Then the Doctor came and my parents have known her since we first got Anthony placed into our care with a Tear in her eye she said that she did not think that Anthony would make it, that she had been wrong before but she was pretty sure he was going to pass on... we cried and cried and prayed...The Amazing thing about God is that in that room I felt a peace and presence of God that I have never felt before, he was there in that room holding my family up as we wept and cried over sweet Anthony, who was fighting and not wanting to stay sedated, in fact he woke up saying mama and Elmo. My mom wanted to leave the ICU unit and visit the Cancer care unit to see if the nurses that have taken care of Anthony where there, there are a few nurse that have taken care of him since day one of him being diagnosed with HLH, it is also rare that all of them are working on the same shift but when we walked in within minutes all those nurses that we have grown to love where surrounding us and hugging us the tears that they let fall down their face where healing and touching to us. The tears that the Doctors and hospital staff cried showed us that Anthony was more than a patient to them but rather the wanted the same as we did, For Anthony to be able to live a life! to be able to walk out of the hospital and go home... In the past two year after all the times Anthony had been sick and the amazing strength that he has shown, these blood clots where going to take him? it was unfair....





The team set up another care meeting for 3pm the following day. My mom and I came home and tried to rest but we where at the hospital early that morning with Starbucks coffee in hand. It was on that Tuesday that I realized there was no way I could continue with summer quarter and prayed and prayed about what I should do and without a doubt in my mind did I end up dropping summer quarter, I had a letter from the Anthony's Social worker and Doctor. One of the girls on the Cancer floor named Louisa whom my mom and Anthony have gotten to know on the floor and loves all the little baby's. my mom wanted Louisa to be able to say goodbye to Anthony so we snuck her in the back to say goodbye, when I saw her cry and weep over my brother I saw a bond and love between them that still makes me cry, I will never forget sweet Louisa in that moment that was so tender, as she said goodbye I stayed with Anthony and just held his hand, crying out to God "WHY"... all I could do was look at his frail body and ask "WHY?" he has overcome transplant and was doing to sooooo well with all his transplant...it is and was soo unfair.... during rounds that day my parents made it clear to the doctors that they where not wanting to give up on Anthony and did not want them to either... we wanted to give Anthony any fighting chance..the tears of my father touched everyone there.. the Tears of my dad who for so long held up my mom as she cried touched me... the Tears of my dad where a fortress and showed everyone there we where not wanting to give up.






The day went on in a fog, we asked for Anthony's Favorite nurse to be at the care givers meeting and she was given a no pay...The love that Amy has for Anthony is beyond words and the love we have for her is beyond word... In so many ways she has become more that a nurse she has become a part of our family, a rock and a strong voice in advocating for Anthony's health. Another person that we requested was Dr, Anne who has also become a strong voice and has known Anthony since day one.. the commitment that she has to Anthony shows, she came in on her day off. As the care givers meeting came about we had no idea what was going to be said. when we first arrived there was a tension and heart ache that surrounded the table we all went around and stated who we where and all the different Doctors that stated that they could not do the surgery without him most likely passing on.







Then our hope came Dr, Mathews the top Hematologist at Children's said that she had been in contact with a colleague in Denver Colorado and together they created a care plan, the plan would be to give Anthony a drug called Fondaparinux that would be given by a shot every day and every other day he would be given some aspirin to thin his blood. The hopes in this treatment is to allow his collateral blood veins to form and mature without closing off. although little is known about this treatment Dr, Mathews colleague suggested this because of her work with other children who had clotting issue and it had worked. This treatment is not without risk.


On Anthony's Caring bridge I posted a post about the day and I ended it with this:

"God is still in the business of making miracles and although his road is long from over the hope we have for Anthony is enough to keep fighting."



In six weeks Anthony has made leaps and bound in his progress! he left the ICU within days of being extubated, he was talking, laughing and blowing kisses.. the strength and courage that Anthony has is amazing! To be able to hold him and know that we are on our last chance but yet so far we believe that the medicines it working... and the best news is.....


After 138 days in the hospital Anthony is coming home tomorrow!!



It is true, God is still in the business of miracle making



He is still here to prove it.

Beauty in the storm

A few months ago, I was really struggling with life to be honest who wants to see their two year old brother suffer?? I was in the middle of mid-terms and life was really stressful. This day was a Saturday afternoon in May and I sat down and opened the book "Captivating" (Which is amazing!) and read one of the last chapters that talks about how God shows us his love through his creation. As I sat reading this book I began to pray that God could begin to show me his beauty as I would go throughout my afternoon. to say the least God blessed me on this Saturday!!

When I was on my way home from the prayer meeting I got out of the car and saw the view of the city, I was awe stuck by Gods goodness... it was a small reminder that God is so much bigger than our problems and struggles. so much has happened and changed in the last three weeks.. I will give an update tomorrow!

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."- Ephesians 5:1-2

Lindsay

Love Letter From God

I don't even know what to say..my head is spinning and spinning..I am going on purely adrenaline right now...Anthony is not doing well by any means...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/anthonycox1/journal

that is probably the best way to keep up with whats going on with sweet Anthony..
It is a hard time right now and I know God will and is being glorified through Anthony's life I still pray and hope for that miracle to happen...

Dear Anthony,

I cannot believe it Anthony!! It has been two years since you have changed not only my life but mommy and daddy's too!! It still amazes me how strong you are! although you have been in the hospital for three months now, I know you are fighting and wanting to get out. I pray for you often Anthony although I am not able to always come up because of school and helping with Charlie and Mr, Feisty, there is not a moment that I am not thinking and praying for you! you are constantly on my mind. Anthony I pray that you continue to be strong. and get the rest you need. I Pray that the Doctors will find out what is going on with your little body and that Jesus can continue to heal your body. Baby brother you have come to far to not fight for your life. I think of the little four month old we saw two years ago and to see the sweet two year old and I know that God has performed a miracle! A miracle that is beyond our understanding.
Keep fighting sweet baby! Little Anthony you need to stop bashing and banging your head, it is not okay (Elmo would not be happy with you). I pray as you have surgery in the morning that we could receive good news and find out what is happening with your blood flow.. Anthony I cannot imagine life without you and I don't want to..May Jesus heal and protect your little body..

I love you sweet boy

<3
Sissy

"She's in the van"

two years ago our sweet "N" left my parents care, I still pray and wonder how she is doing!! It was nearly two weeks ago I was down in the laundry room and I looked up and saw her baby blanket..I was thinking to myself " I wonder how that sweet baby is doing?" and prayed for her...

well Today I was sitting on the couch checking my facebook and I saw a van pull up and a older man came to my front door speaking in broken English and he said her name and I looked out and saw sweet "N" standing in the passenger seat of the van and so I went outside, crying by this time because I realized what was going on..... After two years I was finally holding one of the sweetest girls..I told her that I loved her even though she did not remember me... and kissed her sweet hand...oh and the amazing thing is after she finally warmed up I started to play and tickle her. Her laugh and smile is just the same... She is one happy girl!!

It is hard to explain but once you have a foster placement in your home and they are there for a long term, the attaching and bonding happens. no matter how many children we have in our home. my family has chosen to love the child just as if they were our own children... well that leads us to fall in love with these children and when they leave they take a piece of our hearts with them that can never be returned. The love I had for N is still there two years later, I cannot help but remember, the four month old baby girl who came to our home to die and to three years later see her full of life, I cant help but cry tears of joy for this sweet girl..Her grandparents are the sweetest! I love how they speak Spanish to me, good thing I took Spanish in high school and collage!! it has paid off that's for sure... ha

finally

Today the Adoption social worker called...
We are getting closer to the finalization of Mr, Feisty!!!

:)

it has been a long two years but I cannot wait until he is ours forever and ever!!

in 9 months...

I will be having a baby...


Just kidding actually in nine months it will mark one of the biggest accomplishments in my life thus far. These past 3 years of attending the University of Washington have not come easy and no education should, but seriously my life seems as though it only gets more complicated and honestly hard. these past 3 years not only me but my family have been tested and tried, time and time again. often I feel as though I can't give my best to my school and be the college student that I want to be, but I have recently realized that I am learning lots and this learning is changing me and making me into the person God has called me to be. I am so thankful for the opportunity to attend the UW!! It is an amazing school and not to mention the best public University west of the Mississippi, not to brag but seriously I can be a little bit proud... :)

It will be in nine months that I will be done with my Undergraduate degree!!!! and honestly it is crazy how fast my time at the UW has gone. I remember going to my adviser's office and the first thing she said was "Lindsay, make sure you take advantage and enjoy college because it goes by so fast, before you know it you will be graduation" and let me tell you she was right. At the time I laughed but I now realized that she was so right.

Oh how I cannot wait to be done and move on with life.... I am almost done with spring quarter 2010 and it has been a rough and busy quarter. with Anthony in the hospital for the past 10 weeks and now he is he really sick in the NICU it has not been easy to keep up but for some reason I have a peace and know that everything will be all right with not only my grades but with Sweet Anthony... Then I am starting summer quarter in the middle of June. although it is a crazy time I have a peace and know that God will not give me more than I can handle.. with that I know everything will be alright!

Lindsay

21.

It has been a weird stage being 21
It's a time of change
It's a time where I am at that point in my life where I am almost done with college
It is a transitional time
it's a time where I am beginning to see myself done with the University and I see the next step in my life starting to come into action...
it is a time a renewal
it is a Time where I am starting to look forward to the next steps in life that God has for me, It has been a time of discovering and falling more in love with the savior who died on the cross, it has been a time of giving myself in full service and submission to the savior who created this earth..NO it has not been easy it has been hard having faith and fully trusting God with everything going on...
This time has been a time of visions and dreams that can only come a loving savior...

The most interesting part of being 21 is that I have had this REALLY strong desire to get married.. but not only to be married but I am beginning to look forward to the relationship with that Godly man God has for me...God has begun to reveal to me what it is to be a wife and what that looks like within marriage... It is scary and exciting at the same time..I have been spending alot of time in prayer about this subject just praying for me and whomever this man is...

I want to be made new

This weekend has been one of the most challenging and hard weekends in a long time..it has been a very testing and I am fully beginning to understand what it means to FULLY rely on God...

The doctor himself said that the line they got in Anthony was a miracle and I truly believe that my God is still living and active performing miracles 2010 years later as he did a long time ago!! I am truly AMAZED I cannot help but lift my hands in praise Jesus!!

I am not saying that this has been easy it has been fully relying on God in a time where we had no idea what was going to happen to him.. I do not think that I have cried to hard in a LONG time...

Lately it feels as though God has called me to grow closer to him I have often found tine in my busy schedule to take time for Jesus and have a time where I am praying and getting into the word. It feels so good to feel close to Jesus and to fully rely on him, I don't know how I am awake and running around joyful but I believe that Jesus is giving me an unspeakable joy that is making me strong and carrying me through a time where I should not be joyful but I am...

Today was a BIG day for me! when I was 13 I was baptized and I feel as though I understood what I was doing back them but I did not do the full water Emerson and I have felt as though God was telling me that I needed to do it. after a long week of not sleeping and feeling as though I was Jacob wrestling with God, I contacted my pastor. So today I got baptized and let me tell it feels great to listen and obey Jesus, it is so amazing!! When the pastor asked me what I was doing I said "Yes, I did the first time but I need to do it right". It was a powerful experience and tonight I feel at peace in knowing that I have made that proclaiming in front of my church family.

The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.
Psalm 28:7

wow..

I am at a lost for words...

somehow the doctors were able to get the Hickman line in that he needs in order to get the nutrition neccisary to get healthy...

it was coming down to if the doctors could not get this line in then we had no idea what was going to happen with sweet Anthony...

for the past two months the surgeons could not get this line in...
for for some reason God worked a mighty miracle because tonight....
Anthony has a central line that he needs right now...

2 months

It has been two months since Anthony went into the hospital...I would be lying if I said that I was not angry, mad, upset, lost for words, and just trying to make it through this time...it is ROUGH for sure..

he is one sick baby and to be honest he has not gotten any better in those two months, only worst...Today he is going into surgery to (HOPEFULLY) get a Hickman line in..it is REALLY crucial that he gets this line in not only for his health but he is in pain from being poked... THe surgeons have tried to get one in two other times before... hopefully the third times the charm!

It seems as if he starts to get better than he gets sick with something else, it is a really frustrating and daunting time.. My parents are TIRED and Weary of not being together and not knowing what is going on with their son.

Tonight or this morning I came home from ministry and I tried to sleep but I couldn't because I believe for the first time in two months it hit me what was going on. I was a mess trying to be fully present in the ministry while worrying and praying for my brother's current state of health...

Please pray for Sweet Anthony..

busy.

Baby Anthony has been in the hospital for the past 5 weeks and let me say it has been crazy at my house...so much has happened and continues to happen... I took today off from school so that I could rest and get caught up with my readings from school.. not to mention that we have all been busy!!

I seems like the weekends fly by and the week days go slower but still they fly by.... I just cannot wait until I am done with my classes this quarter!!! which is weird because I actually love my classes but I am looking forward to summer and warmer weather.... Seattle has been COLD and RAINY, it has been living up to its hype of being the rainy city...

well I should get back to reading!!! (I look forward to the days when I do not have to read but do it for fun)

-Please pray for Anthony that his body to be able to tolerate his feeds
-Mr, Feisty's adoption to start moving FASTER....

Get married, how to make it happen

One of the Blogs that I have followed for some time recommended a book titled "Get married, how to make it happen" by Candace waters. I usually don't go and buy books but It was cheap and the first pages I read where really insightful. this book changed my whole perception and thought about finding a future Husband and the quality's and expectations that I have.

before I read this book I had the idea of my "Perfect Husband", he was to have a college degree, church leader, love kids, love God, actively involved in ministry, want to adopt children in the future. in my mind this person was to be a person of perfection......my thought was that Education was important because I have worked so hard to get to the point and fought hard to earn my bachelors degree.

In so many ways I was wrong, yes he should love Jesus and want to be involved in ministry... but it is so much more than that...... one of the main points was was this,
Can we serve God better together than alone?

I had never thought of this but now I realize one of the main reason for being in a marriage is to love and be in relationship with each other, but the center of the marriage should be God.. together we should be able to serve God better than if we were alone..

Another point was that so many young women have these expectations that are so high that many women are finding themselves getting married later on in life (nothing wrong with that)... and then by the time they are 30 the marriage pool is so much smaller and in some sense all the "Good" men are already married. instead of having these expectations that are so high we should focus on two questions...

1, Would be a good Husband? -Could you see yourself honoring and respecting him
2, Would he be a good Father? - How does he act around/with kids

I thought this was important and I did not deep soul searching and realized that I have pushed guys away because I was focusing only on if they had an education or not... in reality I am glad that I am not together with him because I did not respect him or honor him.. I was 18..and it was my first boyfriend.. I have learned so much since then..

and of course I added:
3, Does he love God and want to serve him in his everyday life? -some kind of ministry, this is an important part of my life and I believe it always will some of this includes what does he believe in women leaders/pastors?)
I think that this is important because for one I am a women (Duh!!) but I don't want to be held back from the work/ministry God has called me to...
I do understand though that the man is the head of the house he is the leader and I need to submit myself to his authority and leadership..I get it.. but I would hope together we could work and pray for what God has planned for our lives...

I now realize that marriage is so much more than having an education I should not be asking myself, Does he have an education? but rather can I see myself honoring and respecting for how God created him? and if the answer is yes then the rest could be history..haha... In a sense that opened up so many more prospective future husbands by realizing that it is so much more than having an education...

this book I tell you is AMAZING!! I love it and in so many ways it has prepared me to get ready and to pray for my future husband as I wait.. I always told myself I would wait to get married until I graduated college and had a four year degree...well I am so much closer to having that degree and I think the "I want to get married" bug has hit me hard... as I realize that I am not getting any younger and friends are getting married all around me. does not make it any easier to wait..

In a Funk

To be honest I have been feeling down.. I am missing my brother and not knowing exactly what had been going on with him until today they finally started to treat him for GVHD after two weeks of being in the hospital... I am feeling down about serving with LNO and all the negativity I am receiving from others.... I miss EV I really do... My friends are having problems with their health and personal lives that it is weighing me down... I haven't been to church in 3 weeks because honestly I did not want to go but rather be at home and rest and be with mr, feisty's sister while she was here...also with church there was an issue and hurt feelings but thankfully I hope got resolved today in Gods timing not mine..I was just about to e-mail the person and ask that we meet together but I ran into her at wal-mart God's timing is better than my timing...not to mention starting spring quarter is not always easy with having a baby in the hospital... watching Mr, Fesity's sister leave has not been easy by any means.. all these situation are going on at once and I don't know how to process yet..

There is so much going on I feel like How can an amazing and grateful God use someone like me, broken and a mess.. it is so easy to act like everything is okay..but really it is not.. I cant hide that anymore.. I came to the conclusion that I am sick of myself... I am sick of my sinful human ways.... I am tired of only relying on my human strength because it has not gotten me far... I am sick of "Acting" like I am a super christian because honestly I am not...

I need to decrease so that he can increase in my life.

I need to spend more one on one time with God, I need to spend time before God and allow his word to meditate in my heart, to be honest I have not been doing that lately.. I love serving on LNO but it is hard to be out there and to see a reality of the lives that these precious women are living.. I want to cry out to God for the lives of these women and to see their lives transformed..

I went to a concert last Thursday and the lead singer of Mercy me was saying that it is so great that Jesus Loves us right where we are and accepts right where we are at.. such a simple message but powerful word.. I am so glad that I know a loving God that even in my mess and human ways he calls us his own...

At the concert was one of the new songs by Mercy me "All of Creation", it is an Amazing Song...and speaks to so much of what I am going through...

I get it..

"It doesn't matter who it is: You need to set them free and See how God can bring them back into your life."

It is so hard to let people go and see them move on. it was this time last year that I had to do just that. I wrote about this particular situation last year...Tonight I was on Facebook and I ran into a comment that someone posted.. and it stuck out to me... I immediately thought of EV.... I miss her but yet I have moved on and been healed by a loving and powerful God.It makes perfect sense...My human ways have caused me to loose one of my closest friends, my human ways of fighting and trying to communicate have failed... It is a reminder that God can do anything that my human mind is not capable of conceiving, if I choose to let go and see him work... it is that letting go and completely trusting God that someday this situation will be dealt with, that good will come out of this horrible ending to a friendship...

Randomness...

SO much has happened lately!! this is just random information of whats been happening

1, It is OFFICIAL!! Mr, Feisty is going to be adopted by my parents they have a big meeting coming up soon... he is such an amazing little boy and I will be so happy once he is my forever brother!!!! My parents are changing his name mostly for security reason... but his new name is CUTE!!! and fits him alot better

2, Mr, Feisty's sister moved to the mid-west last week...it was sad to see her go but I kept reminding myself that this was not a goodbye but a see ya later!! the day before she left we went on a girls date downtown and went to Ivar's and the aquarium..since well there is NO water where she lives..... I don't get how people can go their whole lives not living by any source of water.. when she left I have her a kiss and she insisted that if she was not going to attach herself to me and refuse to go with our social worker that I had a spin her around 5 times... so of course I did and then two extra because that is how old she is and because she is a special girl!! I have fallen in love with her in the three months that we had her on weekends.. I miss her but I know one day we will meet again and I will be able to give her hugs and spins!!!

3, This adopting Feisty has brought into out family an extended family and it is simple that our lives will never be the same.. we talk with feisty's sister at lease once per a week if not more.... these last couple times I have talked with feisty's aunt she is a nice lady... hopefully they can figure out skype soon so the kids can see each other....

4, I am so close to graduating college!!! I have 3 more quarters left!!! I will be done fall quarter... I cant believe it that I am almost done it seems like yesterday that I started..life is going by so fast I never thought I would make it through collage, the high school I went to did not prepare me at all to do the level of work that would be needed for collage. after three years I have it down pretty well!!! if I am not done fall quarter then it will be spring. my plans after that are to take maybe one quarter off and just rest and be with my family... but to also take time away from my busy life and reflect on where God desires for me to go next in life. I am thinking of this time as a sabbatical it has been a hard 4 years and more than ever I feel like I need to rest and recharge...
After that time of rest and renewal I am planning on attending community collage for about a year to get my Chemical dependency certificate and to complete a couple of classes that I will need for graduate school. when done with this I hope to work and gain some experience in the field.. after a couple of years I want to get my masters in Social work. this is what the plan is but I know all that it often does not go this way..I went to university to get my degree in Social work and ended up getting a degree in Sociology....

5, Anthony is back in the hospital after being out for three months..and the doctors have no idea what is going on..and honestly this stinks... I pray and hope that they find out soon I am praying that they do a biopsy of his gut and bottom..but we shall see..hopefully SOON

Lindsay

Its march???

oh my..
I cannot believe how fast February went by...
that means finals in 2 weeks....AHHHH

I just realized that it was February 2 weeks ago...oops. :)

but today is the day that we make it official and find out for sure if my parents are going to be adopting Mr, Feisty...to be honest I am nervous but I don't think at this point they would throw a curve ball and send him afar to his family in the mid-west... but then again it is the state of Washington...

These next few weekends are going to go and come... Mr fiesty's sister has been coming on the weekends for visit...and I have pretty much fallen in love....but besides that she is moving to her aunt and uncles in the midwest..in order for Mr Feisty to get to spend some quality time together she has been visiting every weekend for the past two weeks...she leaves the 18th of march which is....cough....my last final of winter quarter...Sometimes I don't know how I do it all but I do by the grace of God!! and maybe a little starbucks every now and then....