You know those times..

You know those times in your life when you can't explain with words what is happening and then all of a sudden you get it...




Those times when you don't know why your life is the way it is
Those times when everything you ever had could of been stripped away from you



when everything is confusing and does not make sense
Those times when you look at your life and everything is a mess.




You strive for order and seek for a time where your human mind is capable of comprehending, what is going on.



It does not matter, you can look up into the skies



Down low in the ground

You can look at your life a little closer and see the thorns

All around you your world does not make sense,
but somehow you know through all of life trials your will make it.
In all of craziness you see a hint of beauty.



Today I was in our new backyard..yes we moved! and I all of a sudden got it. life has been crazy and insane. Sometimes not knowing what is going on,with loosing Anthony and watching my mother almost die, I have been wondering why things happen to us.When enough is enough.Looking for God to show up in the middle of this mess of my life,and all along he has been there waiting to show me that in the middle of my mess. He has blessings waiting for us. I may never understand why but what I can grasp is that we go through trials in life and out of those trials come beauty, hope and perseverance...
Right now I am in a place where life is for once, good...it is a scary place to be because every time my life has been going good something happens. In many ways I lack trust in God, because all the post traumatic stress, that I am experiencing...but for crying out loud if anyone where to walk in my shoes, I think that would be the same way...I am on edge wondering what next? I do not want to be that person, I need to trust and have faith that God has a plan in all of this mess.For once I need to have faith that God is going to allow us to rest and revive from this long last year.. It is in him I have hope and therefore I need to trust that God is going to have everything taken care of..




Because it has been a long time since I have seen God truly bless our family and give us a time in life when nothing to dramatic is happen.. I need faith because I have a feel that God is only beginning to show us his beauty and plan for my family...

It's just not right

It's been almost 9 months since Anthony passed away...
and It feels like an eternity...

These past couple of weeks have been hard. first graduating from UW, celebrating completing uw, moving, and probably having more time to process what this last year has been... Through all the celebrations and activities there is a part of me missing, I often would look in the living room and know it was not right to not have Anthony here with us the past couple of weeks.. it's hard to explain but then why should anyone have to explain loosing their 2 1/2 year old brother, its not right.... He should be here roaming around the house chasing Chris from room to room, singing Elmo songs, yelling for his mom-mom's attention, climbing on the furniture, looking for the front door to open so that he can crawl out the door and demand that I take him on a drive around the block....

Time in no way heals the pain of loosing a young child, the wounds are not easy to cover and never again will anyone be the same person after witnessing a small child pass away... Time helps to make the pain bearable and to allow you to keep going on with life, but in all reality deep down all you want to do is to see and touch your sweet baby, just one more time....

It's in times when there are family get together that make it all the much harder because, I notice all the more that Anthony is not here. No matter what I do, I will never hold my brother on this side of heaven....

and It just plain sucks

Dear, Anthony

Anthony wesley James,

You were an amazing boy, it seems as though time goes on without you the further I feel from you... I wish that I could rewind time to hold you just one last time.I wish that I could time travel back to last summer. I wish that I could sing with you down down Elmo, one last time. Sweet boy I miss you more than ever right now, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. When I graduated last Saturday I looked up to the sky and said "Anthony, this is for you little brother". you are a miracle that touched so many lives I can't even begin to imagine.

As we move out of this house we keep finding little reminders that you were alive and that you lived here. I found a syringe of some of your medicines, it was Clonidine because I could tell by the color, we found syringes filled with saline, flashlights, Elmo books, and your wubbanubs.. Anthony you were here and you lived an amazing life full of joy and love for all those around you. It is nice to find those little items because it is a reminder that you were here not to long ago and I am not going to lie by saying that I have a few of them stored away in my Anthony box that sits next to my bed. Sweet boy I miss you sooooo much its hard to leave this house because there are so many memories of you and our family.... Although you are not here I know those many amazing times we had together wont be taken away from me I will always remember you and the times we had at this house....

I miss you and love you lots...

UW graduation Part 1

I just want you to know....

















That I did it!!!

woot woot!

I am soooooo excited!! For once...

Today is the big day!!! I am graduating from the University of Washington... Its actually happening... I should try to rest but I am sooooo excited I can't sleep... There are so many people in my life that I need to thank..

First to God, The is no way I could of made it through these past four years without you.....Four years ago I was your typical 18 year old wanting to leave home to gain independence..I was looking to attend school anywhere outside of Washington and on the other side of the state of country! You quickly changed my heart and somehow I stayed in the good old Washington! It took me four years to understand why you had me stay so close to home... (more on that later)

Second to my Parent, There are so many mornings that they would drive me to the train or pick me up...My parents are amazing people!! what else can I say? they raised me right and taught me how to look beyond myself to serve other people around me... Although these past four years have been anything but easy and there have been multiple attempts, by me to take a break from school, they encouraged me to stay through it all.

Third to my Brothers, I always wished for little brothers and well I got them...Three of them,Charlie, Chris and Anthony! Although it has been hard I know that I want to set an example for my brothers by attending college.... My prayer is that they can see the example that I have set before them and get a higher degree..Charlie and Chris I pray that you do attend a university, because with an education all things are possible, yes there are set backs and boundaries in which you can't cross because of how society is set up, but Go for it sweet boys...I know you can do it! Sweet Anthony you are not forgotten, I wish you were here and I miss you like no other but I know you are watching over me as I celebrate, graduating and attending grad school... sweet Boy it wasn't until last year that God told me the reason I stayed in Washington was so that I could help mommy and daddy with you and the other boys... He had you planned to come into our family before you were even born, I am still in awe of what an amazing God he is... Although you are not here in person, I made a promise to you and that was to share your story with others around you and to be a better person, well sweet boy, I am keeping my word... Fly High Sweet ^^Anthony^^


fourth to my friends and extended family... when I thought I couldn't do it I would look around me and see many people tell me I could,... H and B you two were amazing friends during college!! We took so many classes together but most of all we gained a friendship for one another, I will miss you two but I know it is not goodbye....


It takes a village to raise a child and although I'm not a child but a young adult, there are many people surrounding me through these last couple of years....My prayer is that my next adventure to Graduate school will not be so dramatic but rather a time to rest, heal and process my life and to allow God to show me the path that he has for me to take as I pursue my masters this coming fall!