Hope.

Living through this Journey with Anthony receiving a life saving bone marrow transplant... I wont deny the fact that I did wonder "what if he didn't make it" to think about last year and this time we were faced with so many "what ifs" and although he has thrived and is doing well besides the occasional blood infections he is doing amazing!! but what is it that has kept us going throughout these past two years?

it is hard to see the other family's dealing with Cancer, the bonds with the other kids that my mom and dad have become close to. one girl "A" has only one more chance to fight this beast, and it hurts to think that this young girl is missing so much her senior year. its real her parents and family are realizing the reality of this nightmare. we pray that God would heal her.

It is hard remembering the day the teenage boy passed away, we all knew he was really sick and loosing his battle to cancer but still it is still hard. that week before he passed the rabbi's were coming and visiting the hospital. A few days later my mom called and said that in the moring he passed away. the hallways flooded with family and friends as they wheeled his body down the hallway passed my brothers room.

Or the time when the little boy who was 8 pleaded with his mom and dad saying "I dont want to do this anymore I just want to go home" he was tired of the chemo going into his body and making him sick.

Everyone took it hard. what gets me is why these nurses and Doctors work with these children. sometimes I believe that it is for the hope of one day knowing that these children have fought their battle to the best of their ability. To be able to one day know that at the end of their work day they worked the hardest and followed all of the protocols that are available.

Hope.
is the one word that I think of when I think of all the parents, doctors and nurses trying to fight and get rid of this disease.

It is hope that keeps us going,
it is hope that has kept me going knowing that God is there healing and watching out for Anthony.
It is hope
the one thing you can hold on to when your whole world is being shaken.

This little Boy brings me hope as I go about my days,
even though this picture is old it brougt be hope
during his transplant.

The waiting room

To be honest this year has been difficult..
It is hard to imagine how much my life has changed in one year!
it is hard to think of the community of people that I had a year ago are the people who despise me today.
it is hard to think that even though what the devil meant for harm it has been turned into something beautiful. although there are people that have gone and moved on so have I. it felt like this year I have been sitting in a waiting room waiting for Answers from God...

last thanksgiving we were anticipating the transplant date and the hopeful adoption of my brother. we struggled between the fine line of "What if" and "how come" but today we are rejoicing with praise and thanksgiving because of the miraculous healing of Anthony... he is 100% engrafted with his donor cells and doing amazingly well and far passed any expectations that the team had for him. we are in great communication with his birth family and his mom is still holding on and waiting to see her birth son. we are thankful for "S" and the gift of open adoption that we are forever thankful for!

This thanksgiving we went to my uncles house and celebrated thanksgiving with my aunt, uncle and cousins for the first time in 10 years. I know my grandma and Grandpa were there in spirit rejoicing from heaven seeing their children and grandchildren gather. I looked at Grandma and Grandpa's pictures in their hallway know that this is what they had prayed for when they started a family.

The last five years, I was knew that God was calling me to be involved with late night night outreach a ministry that works with women involved with prostitution and tonight marks the night that I go out and begin that work. to be honest like I have said this past year God kept telling me to wait for what he has called me to do.. about a week after I turned 21 I was praying and the only word I got was the word "Women" I was like okay..you want me to work with women but where and who? and that was in my head for awhile and then a couple days later I got a call from my mentor who knew that I wanted to work with late night and that I was finally old enough.. so she called and we chatted.. I filled out my paperwork, set up an interview and then training came... it has taken forever.... to get to tonight but I am excited!!! to see what God is doing on the streets and in the life's of these women.

so tonight I am no longer in the waiting room I am prepared as much as possible to go out and I found from a blog that I read and I think it apples to me and really describes this past year... he told me "No" so many times and tonight he is telling me "YES"

Happy birthday N!!

Dear N,


oh sweet N..you were so tiny and small when you came home..you came home not to live but yet the God of the universe chose to keep and give you life! you where the miracle and baby girl that we had been praying for!!! I will never forget the moment I knew I loved you we were sitting on the couch and you just starred at me and smiled... it was a moment that will never be forgotten!!


I remember the days of watching you dance to music, learn to talk.. you N where a miracle a little piece of Heaven.. although you don't remember me now you still have a piece of my heart.. I know you are safe and I pray for you every night..


My wish for you as that as you grow up that you will be drawn to the God of the universe and know that you are loved... that you will want to serve him with all you have...


I still love you and even though it has been almost two years since you left... may you be blessed on your 3rd birthday!!



Love,

Lindsay

I am mad at the state...
I so wish that I could break the walls and social systems that have been set up...
I wish that I could yell in the faces of the social workers asking what they are thinking????

I wish and hope to see a miracle happen...

What would that miracle be??

for feisty to stay with us forever! I cant go into the situation in detail but I am sad and scared that he might be ripped away from us..but I still believe that God can perform a miracle if it is in his plans for him to stay with us..

It hurts to loose him it never gets easier... and I pray that God will give me family and the other family involved peace as we may be loosing the children....and ultimately that God can protect those children as they will have to loose all security and attachments that they have formed since coming into foster care...

He knows my name

it was a normal Sunday, my brothers in the car, mom driving, dad staying home with Anthony, Starbucks before church...

the same routine as every Sunday

Church begins and like all Sundays for the past 18 months Feisty wanted me to hold him as we were singing worship songs, we sang, clapped, whispered to each other....

then the song "He knows my name" was the next song, as I starred at Feisty..his smile, his innocence, how far he has come in such a short time.... I couldn't bear to hold back my tears..I couldn't be strong anymore..I knew at that moment it was for sure that he was going..there is no more covering how I feel inside, the frustration, the hurt,how much I would love to be able to know he was not leaving...but in fact he is...
when this verse came on, my mom and I both cried, and I grabbed feisty closer and hugged him.... it was like God was holding my mom and me in that moment.... as I heard the song it was like Feisty was singing this song....

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

no matter where feisty goes God will never leave him, in fact he has the word of God planted in his heart from the past 18 months...he is always asking me to sing and play "Jesus Music", and has begun to ask questions about Jesus....No matter how much I want my brother to stay, no matter how much I want to scream.... I cant do anything..

But the God of the Universe has plans for Feisty!!! he will never let him go....I feel a better knowing that and being reminded of that...

as this whole case with Feisty is coming to a end soon and unfortunately he will be leaving..please pray for his Birth mom... that God will be her fortress and guide...that she can be healed...
Pray for my Brother Charlie as he is loosing his best bud..Charlie has already proclaimed that he wants to get the social worker and fire her from her job... Pray that God Will protect his heart and to comfort him as processes what is going on..
Pray for my mom, dad, and myself..as we have to say goodbye...

Sustain

It is amazing when the words that I have wanted to say, the emotions of being on the journey of seeing my brother go through a life saving transplant are all in one song.. the emotions and faith are tested in times of trials. relationships are tested, family's are broken. The questions and wondering why this has to happen..
Why do innocent children have to suffer in pain? why do these children have to loose their childhood to cancer and other diseases?
The continuing cycle of yelling and screaming at God, WHY???... the many nights of wondering what will happen next.. the test of faith and endurance for every family and child who are going through Cancer and other diseases....

it is not a easy time to go through, this past months have only made me passionate about serving God... It has also allowed me to see the value of life, the value of family and being there for the ones you love...

I think this song really gets at what I have thought one of the most powerful parts of the song is:

When will you give answers for the pain
Is there a place where hope can still sustain?

all though Anthony's Journey is long from being over it has been amazing to see the people come into our lives and know that Anthony will be a testament to God's grace and powerful healing.... although I scream and ask God's questions as to WHY?

God has Sustained my family....through it all




Sustain by:The glorious unseen

Cover me
there's a battlefield ahead
Cover me
there's an enemy that wants to have my head
Why do you let evil have its way?
How can you let orphans die in vain?
When will you give answers for the pain?
Is there a place where hope can still sustain?
Cover me as I walk this out alone
as I search deserted streets
for a place to call my own
I wander over all the earth

I'm like an angel without wings
I’m a song without a voice
I’m a ghost without a grave

Please, come take the burdens that have held me down so long
If I scream your name again, will you reach my bloody hands?
God, I’m holding on to you
for you can make me new

If I scream your name again, will you reach my bloody hands?
God, I’m holding to your arms
I’ve been holding on so long.

To do list; Sociology Application: Check!!!

okay...so I am excited!! it is amazing to be almost done with school... I turned in my application to the sociology major today!! I could not find my way around the new building.... but finally sociology department is at their home!!

I have two classes Sociological theory and a statistics classthat I am not excited to take ... But I might take the soc class next quarter with my friend which will be awesome and will make it easier to have a study buddy!!! and this quarter I am taking a methods class which is proving to be a little difficult.. but I am going to the library tomorrow to study and review all the material... so it should be good.. it is so neat to be at this place I am at..

although it still stings to walk past the social work building and know that I am not doing my undergraduate degree in social work I have a peace about getting a sociology degree.... it would have taken me six years to get my undergraduate degree in social work and I don't have the money to pay for college past five years.... I am excited about the opportunity's that this next 2 or 3 years will bring me...

right now I am just praying that I get in!!! I should know the 19th of October which is already expected to be a great week! more on that later...

:)

Today

I am releaved
I am happy
I am free

Today

I realized that although this year has been crap
that

Today

yesterday
and forever

God has a plan for my life

Someone asked what kind ministry I was in, and I said none I am taking a break to find where I was meant to be and where God was leading me

Today

I know God has called me to be with and amonst all people of the earth...to build relationships, be open and honest.... to be like Jesus is to love and not judge.... yes you have to be honest...

Today

I know God has called me to be a university student...

Today

I know that with each of the interactions that I have had with people, he has been there guiding me..

Today

I am a leader, a worshiper, a human, a sinner that has been forgiven

Today

I am saved by God's grace...

I dont need to be part of some particular ministry, I dont need a big t-shirt, or bill board sign..all I need to to pray that God will use me...

the past two times I have pleaded and prayed for God to use me...he has opened the doors... as I have been a willing vessle for him.... and used to glorify him

Today

I am not my own I am serving the king of kings and lord of lords!!


Today,

I shook hands with 4,000 people!! (Just a random fact)! an completly lost my voice...cheering on the incoming freshman!! it was a BLAST!

Code blue

Last night Anthony was not feeling good and has a temp of 100.3... . my mom and I knew we needed to get him here because he did have a temperature but he was also shivering, projectile vomiting, and diarah.... with that said it we hopped into the car thinking that we would possibly be admitted but we didn't pack anything, only Clothes for Anthony...

Finally when they admitted him and we got into our room, he was sleeping and he pretty much did so for the whole night but then we started to poop and poop..and begin to quiver his atomic like he wanted to projectile vomit..I just help him, caught his vomit and tried to stay calm as I saw my brother getting sicker and sicker...

at about three in the morning I got up to change probably diaper #23 (not even exaggerating) I saw that he has some blood in his stool, but it wasn't exactly stool it was mucus..I was concerned and called in the nurse she took some blood to see if he needed platelets but he didn't need any at the time...then he just tried to sleep in his crib and pull off diapers..all that to say by about 8:00 when shift changes we just done I began to get even more worried for Anthony...I just had the feeling he was not doing well and was talking to the nurse about what should be done I said he needed some kind of fluid, some zofran, and some other meds... he was laying in his bed all quivered up grunting... the nurse took his blood pressure and it was DANGEROUSLY low..we kind of freaked out a little..so the nurse went and ran into an attending and she came in to check on Anthony...

His blood pressure were still low and she tried to get a hold of the picu people to come and look at him but she couldn’t get a hold of them..I think in that moment she made a scary move but in the end it saved the life of my brother...
She pulled the code blue button, and all of a sudden people came flooding down the halls... running his room was filled up in a matter of seconds..I am not going to lie and say that I was okay..I didn't know what to do..but when she pulled it I thought " OH SHIT, and I need to get a hold of my parents"

I called my mom and she didn't pick up, so I called my home phone then my dad picked up...I was so shaken up that all I could say was "somebody needs to get here NOW, they code blued Anthony.... because he has low blood pressures" and I hung up... on my dad..because even though I couldn't be next to him I needed to be there without a phone...I had no words to say I was literally speechless.... finally the Social worker came in and I called my mom and he talked to her, then my dad called and I was still speechless... and the resident talked to him to let him know what was going on... I just stood there talking to the Social worker, what else was I to do? the nurses and doctors we talking loud, flushing in water syringe after water syringe..it was about 470ML of water...the resident was squeezing in water...putting oxygen on him..lets just say it was controlled chaos...but it was scary...I was shaking, crying..but I had nothing to do all I did was stand there wanting to grab my brother and hold him..but I had to let go and completely truth him in the hands of all the people taking care of him... and trust that God would protect him..it was hard...but I had to...the Chaplin showed up and came into the room and we talked a little... I felt at peace and when I saw her I felt at ease.. ony of the BMT fellows were telling me what was going on and she kept pulling me aside and keeping me updated... we finally got to the elevates and it was pretty packed but the BMT fellow pulled me into the elevator and said that I was the most important person there..I calmed him down and gave him a kiss... then we got to the floor and rushed back to the room and everyone was still flying around and once again the same lady pulled me inside of the room and made sure I was there... it was completely scary..and I don’t remember all the details I just remember standing there, speechless trying to talk but I couldn’t... finally things settled down...but they were going to put in a central line to be able to put in all the fluids and meds that he needs....

looking back on the whole thing I see how all these people came together and did their Job, but there were people who were also there to support the family..it was scary and I can’t say that enough..When we got to the room his blood pressures started to go up and since then he has been stable.....

I am in Awe at how God worked in this whole situation, I don’t know how to explain it or even the words.... but what I do know is that even though Anthony got so sick so fast...that God was ahead of the whole situation and placed people where they need to be in that whole controlled chaos…..
Tonight somehow my parents let me stay the night and didn’t kick me out of the house…but I am here with Anthony, watching and keeping a close eye on him..let me say he looks 100% better than he did this morning..he is a little out of it but he is resting and that is what he needs to get better… I know when we updated facebook people were praying, people from the blogs and people we don’t even know were praying…people may say that medical intervention saved Anthony’s life but he is doing so well tonight, I know God healed and was there with my family in the time of need.. I tried my best to act the best that I could. It’s not every day you see a code blue
When we Got Anthony a couple months later God gave me a verse and it rings true today as it did when I heard the verse:

God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;
he does great things beyond our understanding.
Job 37:5

Perfect people

I love that song!! "Perfect People" and I can relate to it often... living in the urban city I have come across many different people of all cultures, Backgrounds, religions, profession.... I have been faced with sin, fallen short, and then I get back up..Often I wonder why I am still living in the city..I would love to leave the city and live in the country..live where there are people that look just like me..but then I realize that God has called us to be with the sick and hurting... he has called us to love on people no matter what they are going through..to be there and to share the Gospel....

Honestly today I am in a valley..I don't know where or what I will be doing next and I see no end in sight to the horrible nightmare...

But God has his promise..he reminds me that their are no such thing as a perfect people...we are to come to him just as we are..broken, shattered, drunk, high, depressed, hopeless, angry, addicted whatever we may be going through.....

Come to ME says the Father.... and I will give you rest...

I need to remind myself often that I need to come to him just as I am..I need to allow him to work in me and through me... it is not easy..but it is necessary... it is necessary to allow God to teach and be my comforter.. Today at church I had a sense of Comfort...Pastor asked us to close our eyes and imagine ourselves with God all safe and sound.... I pictured myself being held like a baby crying but still at peace...it is amazing to know that the God of the UNIVERSE cares enough to comfort and bring me peace... but most of to come to him Just as I am....broken

Be still and Know...

Be still...

Lindsay, Rhonda, John, Debbie, various other people who are working on feisty's case

Be still
and know
that I
am God

Be still
and Know that I have a plan, even thought my plans are not always your plans... just know that I am God...

Be still
and know that even before the foundations of this earth where layed I knew what would happen to Mr, Feisty

Be Still
and have faith my Children I will not give you to much to handle.. call on me when you are weak...

Be still
for I have a plan...

while Im on the topic of marriage..

This video is AMAZING!!

Fire Proof

Honestly Fire proof was one of the best movies that I have EVER watched.. the power, message, and overall movie... I can see the power and purpose that God has for that movie.. my favorite part is the salvation scene where the main guy accepts Christ, every time I get CHILLS throughout my body.. it is incredible.. When I watched it, I was wondering why am I a single women watching this movie? why is it so important to watch this movie? it took me awhile to realize the power of watching and thinking about the concept of having a fireproof marriage, but also looking outside of the spectrum of marriage but how to fireproof your life, how to make a solid relationship in Christ.. one that cannot be shakin....

Today I attended a 20Th wedding renewal..and it was beautiful to see the couple and their love for each other.. so see their marriage fireproofed...strong, solid and loving the kind of kings..it was simply amazing!! to see the commitment between to couple... being married for 20 years today's is looked upon as impossible but it is not..it takes A LOT but it can happen...

even that I have not found my future Husband, If I have I just don't know it....but to be able to be committed to one person, to honor and to cherish that person in good times and in bad.. WOW... words are simple..but actions are not.. it takes a lot to remain fully committed..but God ordained marriage as commitment to not only Jesus that you will remain together for LIFE..but to God that as a couple look to the king of kings and lord of lords to lead and guide the married couple in their walk in life.. WOW... WOW..marriage is deep.. marriage is powerful..and to see people so in love after 20 years brought tears to my eyes...

I think of my parent who have been married for 21 year... and the walk that as a family we have gone through. it is not all glorious... there were many DEEP DEEP valleys.. times when who knows what was going to happen to their marriage.. but God can do miracles.. it is amazing that with each year my parents get older and they are married another year... how God continues to bless and provide for them.. to see that even though their were valleys, in the past they can still climb a mount an..and love each other just the same if not more.. as the day they were married...

marriage is powerful.. it can also be related in the walk we have with Jesus, the commitment, honor, Denying yourself before Christ, being willing to walk a life of faith, being persecuted because of your faith.. ETC.

After the ceremony I went up to one of the women and I said "I am so happy for them but it makes me sad to see them so in love and not have that someone..you know this is the 5th Wedding that I have known of in the past month..." she said something wise "I makes be sad but it makes me look forward to the times when I do get married to be able to honor and love that other person... in the same way that they do"... it is so true..

Waiting for that person is hard.. and it doesnt get any easier.. My roomate in college told me that when she turned 20 it got worst that wanting and feeling of kinding that special somebody.. and she was RIGHT.. so here I am waiting but serving God while I am waiting for that somebody.. waiting to get married.. waiting for the unknown..but I cant constantly wait.. I need to serve and please God with all that I have and all that I am.. I think that as I wait God will continue to guide me and lead me to the person I am supposed to be with, in good times and bad times..

According to my dad all I need to do is go to a christian book store and pinch someones Butt... and walalala... just kidding.. well it worked for my mom.. why not me?? haha...

Apologize

Its to late to Apologize, this song has been stuck in my head all week.. listening to to probably 50 times in the past 2 days.. not even kidding.. I kept pressing replay, as I was studying for finals..

it is a deep song.. I think why is hits suck a chord with me is that in so many ways, this year has been a year of loss and letting go of people in my life... so much drama and words that were spoken that in the end caused a friendship to end... the chords were cut.. the deed has been done.. no matter what is said or done.. I feel like at this point that it is to late to apologise.. we are all hurt in the situation.. I wont go into details much.. but I found out more information of what happened when the whole situation happened 5 months ago... and it hurts it stings...it has caused me to not talk to and loose friends over a situation that got way to out of hand.. sometimes it feels like it is to late to apologise... I feel like I have said sorry for my part and I did... but the other person hasn't.. it feels like it is always "My fault" in the situation that occurred.. I know that it is not only my fault.. at this point I feel so hurt that no matter if that person did apologise I couldn't forget them.... its to late...



but then I remember that no matter what I do as a person, when I kneel before the king of kings he forgives my sins..

in fact, Matthew chapter 6:14-15 states

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Matt 6:14-15 (ESV)

but in order for Jesus to forgive me of my sins I must forgive the sins of my trespasser.. and you know how hard that is sometimes, to deny my human flesh... and forgive someone knowing that for some reason they don't forgive me.. but then I remember I do not need to worry about my enemy in fact I should pray for those who persecute me..

In Matthew chapter 5:44-48

But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matt 5:44-48 (ESV)


This verse reminds me that I need to pray for those who persecute me, but what is even more powerful is when Jesus asked, If you love those who love you, what reward do you have? but do we gain from loving the people that are so easy to love and get along.. I thing of so many times where I as a human would rather love on the people that honestly I love the most... but what is hard is when those people become the people who persecute you... in Hebrews the writer writes about how this life is not going to be easy.. we are going to go through trials and tribulations.. we as Christians as we stand up for our faith... and beliefs will be persecuted..even by believers... but as a growing Christian I must and know that I need to forgive those people that have hurt me so deeply.. and I pray that I can and will..because in order for God to forgive me, I must forgive those who I need to still forgive..

This post is really random..but I have been thinking A LOT... I will have more post throughout the week and most likely the next month.because I will have a lot more free time to post.. ..

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

Tonight I sing a new song, it is not to late to apologize and to forgive..

I HATE THIS

I just want Anthony to be better...
I Am sick and tired of being sick and tired..

I just want my brother to come home..
50 days in the hospital is a bit to long..

hopefully the Doctors can figure out what is wrong and ultimately the king of Kings can continue to heal his body.

Pray for me as this week is stressful.. I have finals.. and it is hard to stay focused when everything around me is falling apart. also for my parents that God can continue to give them strength and courage... as they make decisions as to what is best for their son..

We are weak but he is strong

Every time that I get to visit Anthony the one song that we sing is "Jesus loves me" we sing a new version and I have sung to to him probably 200 time over and over..and without a doubt he falls asleep..

Today I was holding Anthony, and he finally got comfortable and as I was singing this song I sung "Little ones to him belong they are weak but he is strong" and I paused.... as I was holding Anthony I realized how true this is for Anthony and for my whole family.. to be able to hold my brother and know that God is doing a great work in his body...brings me to my knees in tears... in blesses me and leaves me breathless to see what God is doing in Anthony's life..

we are weak but he is Strong!!!

God is able to do more than we can ever thought was possible...

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
Romans 8:26

Dear Mr Sun

Dear Mr, Sun-

Thank you for not allowing Seattle to go over 90 degree's today... what a relief that is... and I always thought I loved you mister sun but this past week you have broken records and I live in Seattle for a reason, I love the clouds and rain... so Mr, Sun I would be happy if you could go away..

Thanks in advanced,
Lindsay

Update

Life has been completely crazy..

School has been alot of work lately, and I feel like I never have enough time to do my school work..

I simply miss my little brother, seeing Anthony only 6 hours a week is hard knowing that he is in the hospital is hard... this past Thursday Anthony got his transplant.. and it was probably one of the most amazing things I have witnessed... it took only 10 minutes to put the blood-cord cells into his little body.. but just imagining what those cells are going to offer Anthony in the future is so unreal.. those cells give him a future and cure him of his HLH and give him a chance to live life..

yes this week has been hard, yes everyone has cred out to God asking for pain relief for Anthony... yes we would all love to be a family and for all of us to be in the same house rather than have to be at the Hospital...

But God has a plan and knows what he is doing.. and for right now we are making it....

Dear EV,

I remember 5 years ago the first time that I met you, I was 15 and you were 16, we were young Counselors in Training, learning how to serve God at a Christian camp.. that first summer we got close, we would often find ourselves talking about life, dreaming about the future, and talking about all the wonderful things God was doing in our life's.

that first summer 5 years ago started a friendship that I had been praying for my whole freshman year of high school. It was unbelievable how much we grew and learned from each other. the best night we had was our poppet night, you were hiding away in a closet, but we were not going to allow you to do that, so somehow we ended up dancing around decorating the Abbott house with Toilet paper, running across camp to serenade people with our "beautiful tribal dancing"..

when my Uncle passed away I remember that you were there to greet me with a Hug and a welcome back... I remember running down the hill singing songs of Praise with you, in a time were deep down inside I was crying and struggling with the recent death of my uncle...

when summer ended for some reason, I decided to invite you to my 16th birthday, we went and created beautiful bead bracelets and went to the aquarium, where we only paid the children's price because the teller thought you were under twelve, we laughed and moved on.... we walked through the whole aquarium laughing and just being us... Teenagers... that night you ended up staying the night at my house.. it was amazing, just like it was at camp... we climbed up in a tree house that night, talking about our futures and what we desired in a future Husband... what we were learning at school.. I remember just talking... and having peace in that moment...

throughout that first year we continued to talk, we went to High school camp together, were we prayed and had one of the most intense talks that we would probably ever have, I remember we were sitting at the stairs of the prayer Chapel, it was cold and Chilly.. the stars were shining.... in that moment you shared with me your salvation story, I cried with tears and compassion because I felt for you, for once I knew what it was like to have that one true friend who shared the same passion and love for God, as I myself had..

Time went on, we continued to grow in our friendship, we had many times of joy and sorrow, times were we didn't agree.. times were we were indifferent.. but that didn't matter... we promised that no matter what would happen in the future we would "Always be friends"... that God could work through any situation.. we talked about how in the future our children would grow up together.. we talked about going on missions trips together, serving God, and many things that young girls like to talk about..

Time continued to go, the third summer came and I went on a missions trip to Thailand, you graduated and were getting ready to go to college... we drew apart that summer and ever since then nothing has been the same, the way we saw the world was different but the one thing that remained the same was Jesus, he was the one thing we could agree on.. you went to college and we rarely talked.. I was sad but I knew you needed to experience college, we didn't talk for about 9 months.. if we did it was for about 5 minutes...



that continued and the 4th summer came, you came to watch my brothers.. during that time we started talked and re-connecting it almost was like old times but sooo much different.. it was so nice to re-connect and know that maybe things had not changed as much as I thought they had.... little did I know everything that I thought and knew about you was different.. I didn't know my friend.. she had changed into a completely different person... it scared me.. I fell to my knees and begun praying for you.. I pleaded to God that you would seek him in your situation... I believe that God found you where you were at.. in your time of need.. I am not saying I am perfect, but I am saying that I pleaded and prayed for you like no other time in our time of knowing each other at that point in time...

looking back at the past five years I remember the many times we spent laughing, praying, playing, seeking God, discussing about our futures... and I will never forget that.. how can I? the way you see things have changed the way you see things and the way I see things have changed..

I am praying for you right now, this very moment that you would continue to seek God, and that he will show you his will for your life.. we can never take back the past, the miscommunication, the lies, deceit, the time alcohol was used and destroyed a friendship, the time you stomped out the door angry, the time you drove off in your car and I knew that would be the last time I ever saw you... none of that E, can never be erased, but God can heal, he can heal you as you begin this journey that you are beginning at 2pm tomorrow... of getting married...

I never doubted the fact that you were going to get married to Him, in fact I was scared to the fact that I didn't see everything the way that you saw it.. I didn't see him the way you did, I saw the details, the faults, all the ways that this relationship could end up because honestly I didn't see the beauty and love that you did, I prayed many times, I pleaded that God could show me what you saw in him, I asked for peace in your upcoming marriage but overtime I thought of it, and I got an ache in my stomach telling me that something about this relationship that you were in was not right.. I saw comparisons of him and the one person you despised the most... finally it got to much to bare, you know what happened at the engagement party ( my point of view and yours is probably different, but there are facts of what happened and of which I will not discuss on a public blog)... and that threw me over the top I was honestly scarred for you and your future that finally I had to speak to what I saw....

with that you got angry, I got upset, you stormed out.. and every word that I said would be turned around and twisted... I was stuck between a brick wall and a rock.. but at least I let you know what I saw... I felt free in allowing myself to tell you what I saw..




I realize that tonight is most likely the night before you wedding, and I am not going... I am not going to show up and crash it, I will not show up and yell "I object"... In fact I am holding myself back from contacting you at all.. someone I know once said that tough love is the hardest, it is sometimes walking away from situations where we human want to have control, we would love to show up in a Gorilla suit, but rather let go and fall to our knee's in prayer and lift the situation up to God... Tough love is the hardest love and I can attest to that.. and with that, I am choosing to let go and fully rely on God to protect you, relying on God to direct your path... although the amazing memory's we shared together will never be shared again, no one can take away the good times we had... with that I let go of you, I give our "Friendship" to God, maybe in the future we can communicate, but for now I wait with expectation of knowing that God is God and in the end, his will is the perfect will, no matter what the differences are..

and with that, I just wanted to say.... I miss you

Love,
Lindsay

All I have to say...

is that I made it through another year as a college student!!
it is not always easy staying up late, reading one of the million books that I need to be reading, feeling like my eyes are going to fall out of my head, writing papers, getting up early, riding the bus in the morning..

But for some reason, I love it!!

I love the opportunity of getting a education, I love that God has provided all of my needs... throughout these past two years.
I know that even after I graduate...he will keep providing and showing me what he has called me to do...

All I know is I MADE IT!!!!!!
and I can proudly say that I am a Junior at the University of Washington!!!!
(I feel so old saying that..hehe)

Rise up

This week, little Kayleigh Anne Freeman passed away, when I found out my heart was broken, I was really sad for her parents.. I don't know them but I was so touched by their story.. it really got me thinking about how life is really short, we don't know when we are going to die..

I kept thinking to myself, "what can I do to honor you God, can you please use me today to bless other and tell them about you.. can you please give me strength and courage to be able to stand up and tell others for you... Kayleigh has been so brave for 11 months...this life is short.. I cant just keep walking my life knowing that I am saved and not tell people about you.. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING.. I want to honor you God, please present me with an opportunity"

and that is all I prayed...

little did I know that God would present me with an opportunity.. their was a Evangelical preacher presenting the word at my school, I usually ignore them and walk on..but I was so drawn to the truth and words that he was saying..I stopped thinking oh, I will only be here for 5 minutes, but that day I stayed for 2 hour talking with people about Jesus, presenting the truth to them, praying and crying for this Generation of young people who have turned their eyes away from Jesus.. I was blessed it was tiring and hard to be sharing the gospel..but I for the first time had courage like little Kayleigh..

I sat there quite for so long, finally my body begun to shake, and I could not keep quite about the love of Jesus.. I eventually went back the next day and met with more people, met some AWESOME Christians and it was really good to talk with other people..

then Friday came along by this time I found brother Jeb on the Internet and was e-mailing him back and forth, and so I planned on staying at school all day like from 11:30-5:30 and I did.. it was AMAZING to see God at work.... and their was a spiritual battle going on at my University... but God gave me the words to say, he gave me a sense of peace..and to just simple love on people like Jesus loved on his disciples when he was here.. their were other Christians there who were talking to people and stayed all day..

overall I am still in complete shock at all that has happened this week, I always wanted to talk to people about Jesus but I never knew that I would be doing it..
When I was in Thailand it was so easy to talk to the Thai people about Jesus, even though there was a language barrier somehow it was easier..and I was afraid simply to stand up for what I believe in..

but not any longer.. I feel strong, I am amazing at God and the wonderful work that he has done in my life, he opened my eyes and showed me that people all around me are searching for meaning of life, searching for a God who loves you..

The eyes of the non-believers I could see that they were searching..but were so blinded to the truth... the Devil is still at work here on earth and we need to not forget that..we as Christians need to get off our couches and tell others about Jesus, people are perishing without ever hearing the love of Jesus.. American Christians are so stuck on going to church and keeping our God within our community of believers... yes that is important but yet we need to not be only with believers and building relationships with non-believers..
People are searching and trying to figure out why they are not complete, and it is because they do not have Jesus, they may not know that and need to be told....

what if we all stood up for what we believed in and told people about Jesus, how much of an impact that would make?

God is good!!!!

Just from that little prayer I said this week, God used me in ways that I can not even begin to comprehend......... the courage I had to take a stand was not from me... it was From God....... I am glad to know a God who loves me so much that died on the cross for my sins and for the sins of the world.. and the people of the world need to hear the truth....

can we rise up as Christians and proclaim the good news?



Lindsay

He is still here....

And this Rainbow reminds me that God is still here on earth performing miracles, working in the lives's of his children, healing, giving his people vision,...

he has not forsaken us..

he is still here...

his presence can still be soon on earth thousands of years later!

hot coco delight

Mr, feisty has been really sick this past week and has not wanted to eat.. the little man is already tiny for his size.

so tonight I was cleaning up the kitchen and helping feisty eat his unwanted dinner.. finally he ate enough and I asked Charlie if he wanted hot coco, which is an all time favorite... and Feisty starting shouting "hooot coococooo, Hot Cocooooo" and so I asked him if he wanted some and of course he shouted "Ummm YEA"....


little did he know that he was getting a hot coco delight!!

so how do you make hot coco delight??

A little of this:

with a little bit of this:

Heat up the water,then you top it off with a little extra of this:

mix it up in this,

and

and he drank it all... I am learning young, when the babe's are sick..you give what they want but you add in other unknown nutrients that he does not know he is drinking!!

Time,

wow does time fly!!

what have I been up to lately?

-Studying
-visiting the hospital
-reading LOTS!!
-listening to God
-playing with my younger brothers
-changing diapers
-walking around Seattle
-enjoying the rain and the sunshine
-preparing myself mentally for Anthony's Transplant
-taking lots of photo's
-volunteering at my old youth group every Thursday
-and most of all, spending quality time with the one's that I love! and wishing that Anthony and my mom could come home! that are being held hostage by the doctors. they don't want to send him home until Feisty's fever goes away....

oh and I have a secret... (My parents might get to adopt feisty sooner than what they think).... if that is what God has planned!!

I am going to get better at blogging but this quarter has presented me with lot and lots of reading...and not time to blog.. :(.. I miss blogging..

I was looking back at some of my old post and it is amazing to think that I have had this blog for as long as I have!!

Time.. Cherish it... because you never know what is going to happen in two seconds, 1 month or 5 years...

It is amazing how time does fly! it amazes me that two years ago this year, I was a graduating senior.. This past week as I walked my college campus with a renewed sense, as to why I am on this Journey of obtaining a higher education..

It has not by any means been the easiest years of my life, I have taken what God has blessed me with, A full ride scholarship, and not really used the gift that he has given me to my full potential.... you see, I never thought I, Lindsay James, would be going to the University of Washington... I never thought I would get in.. I never thought that it was even possible for me to get in..and everyone around me was telling me I would never get in.... I remember two years ago this time of the year........

I had all my applications to the five colleges that I had applied to.. four of them were private Christian colleges and one a public state university. I did not want to go to a public university.. I desired to grow closer to God, by going to a University that taught about God and I could stretch my learning.. I got accepted in all 4 private colleges......but I still did not know if I got into the UW... I didn't want to go when I applied to to college...... let me tell you.. I DID NOT WANT TO GO....even though I almost said yes, to one of the private colleges something told me not to and just wait... So one of the few times in my life I waited....

I remember the day so clearly, I was sitting with my friend in the lunch room talking, when my mom called me and said that I finally got a response from the University of Washington.. I told her I didn't want her to open it, but all of a sudden I wanted her to.. so she did, and she began to read the words " You have been accepted"... and I cheered.. for some reason I felt relieved.. I knew at that moment I was supposed to go there... I don't know what changed my heart..and told me to go there...




I talked my dad into letting me go on a visit to UW.. so we spent a long day in April of 2007, wondering around UW aimlessly, attending classes, eating the food, being with the people, experiencing the culture, and knowing that I was meant to be there.... scared as heck to go to such a huge University... But I listened to my heart...and announced to all my friends and Family that I was going to the UW!!!!

And after going to this university for almost 2 years, it has taken me this long to really be grateful to be able to go there, I love it, studying all the time, reading books, attending the classes, staying up late, walking the Ave (A place that has a lot of different food places and stores), being with 40,000 other people who are walking the same journey as I am, riding the buses, meeting new people, seeing Gods creation, drinking coffee, registering for classes online at 5:55 AM, fighting for classes, wandering around the University book store looking for the text book, eating Tator tots from by George cafe, walking around campus getting lost, seeing the Cherry tree blossom every spring, sitting on the grass studying, waiting in the lines for hours during lunch time for hours just to get a subway sand which, running into people you haven't seen in a long time.. it is all apart of the college life....



This summer, I am going to make up the credits that I need in order to apply to my major this fall and be able to graduate on time.... it is a hard decision to make, but I know it is the best one for me at this time.. although I would rather work at a summer camp with amazing kids..... I need to be in school taking care of myself, ensuring that I can do what is best for myself and for my future... Pray for me as I attend college this summer, that I do not grow tired and that next school year I can go full force and not grow tired from going 2 strait years without a big break in between...

Although this week started out roughly it has allowed me time to spend more quite time with my Jesus, to Pray, to read his word..and to reflect on all that has happen....and sort my way through this mess.. tonight I feel surrounded by God..I feel free and able to let go of someone that I have been close to for the past 6 years..there is nothing that I can do but pray that God can have his will in this situation...and that is all I can do..and honestly it feels great to know that I am not alone and I have a God who cares so much to love me even when I make mistakes and to teach me life lessons about friendships... and he is the ultimate friend, he is all I need in this life to make it through..he has already won and defeated my battles for me..

He died on the cross for my sins and for the sins of all many...

and that is all I need to be reminded of when my world feels like it is falling apart, it is all I need to be reminded of when I out of place, when I am angry, when I am crushed, when I need to let go of someone that I love.. when I need to trust that everything will work out for the good... and a miracle will happen out of this mess...
But again I remember,

He died on the cross for my sins and for the sins of many...
and that is all I need

To be honest..this past week has been HORRIBLE... every spring break for the past two years have not been so good......

My friend moved into my parents house 2 months ago....and last night our relationship ended.. I am not going to go into details on a public blog.. but basically there was a miscommunication, words got twisted and feelings got hurt..

and it is hard to let go of someone I have been friends with for 6 years..and that person is choosing to end the friendship.. I am frustrated....and although it may be hard.. I need to let go..and learn from others and my own mistakes.. so that I can live at higher standards....and let me tell you, I have made mistakes in my 20 years.. said words that were not nice....and I am sorry for that.but I can only be sorry for what I did..and I cant deny the fact that I still have feelings..and I got hurt in the process.

I am not perfect...there I said it. I AM NOT PERFECT.....

and either are they.. but I am not going to bring them into this... they already made up their mind.. and twisted the truth....and told lies..... so the last thing I need to do..is let this hinder me.... all I am is saying is that life right now pretty much stinks.........

and I am tired........I am honestly not doing okay over this situation..
I realized today that I reacted in anger because that person was completely ignoring me, yelling at me..and I reacted..then later that person left their wedding ring here. my human side wanted to mark it with black marker..but I knew that was not okay.. at least I have some common sense when I am overly upset...

The worst thing that a person can do is be in the same room as me and completely ignore me.... it makes me angry..it pretty much shows me that I am not human..and that who I am is not real.... who I am does not matter..and that right there does not fit well with me.. I try to include people..I try to fix things.. but you know... when someone does that to me..when I have tried to walk beside them when they needed housing, stayed up late many nights crying together, laughing, dreaming about our future, and hoping the best for each other, supported them when all I should of done is run away..but I stuck around for 6 years.... .. it hurts..it really shakes the core of who I am....

and so now I am going to lift this situation up to God, because I cannot fix anything, I cant force someone to want to reconcile, I can always be the person pursing the friendship.. it needs to go both ways........ I pray that somehow God works in a miraculous way..and changes that hearts and opens the eyes of everyone who is involved in this situation..that somehow, some way..it can honor God.. and I don't know how it can..but I pray that he can continue to guild me and strengthen me into the person he has created me to be....and help me to be strong..and not be angry at the situation....

I pray for those people that their hearts will be soften..and will take responsibility for their part.and that God can guild them into the right path.. and deal with them as he needs to, so that they can become all who God has created them to be.... I pray that for myself also..

I am done.. this probably makes no sense..all well.. it is my blog.. :P

I love this song..Living in the Valley, and seeing all the ways they the has blinded the eyes of the people by leading them astray to be involved with drugs, alcohol, prostitution, gangs and other various trouble that people get blinded to.. I have become used to the things that happen and I see because I am living in the city.. I am used to walking down the street watching people make drug deals, used to seeing women standing on the streets offering their bodies to men, I am not saying that it is okay, but I see ti EVERYDAY.... but I cant do that anymore.. I am being called to a new level if my ministry, a new level of Living, a new time that God is calling me out and saying "Lindsay I have called you to tell my children about me, I have called you to pray for my people, to serve my people, to walk along side my people and show them who I am"......... WOW.. I cant ignore what is happening in Seattle, I need to allow God to use me in ways that I have never been used before........... and I know that he is calling me out and challenging me, because he is beginning to tell me what I need to be doing, and yes I am not perfect, I haven't listened to that still small voice when he told me to get up in the middle of a meeting and go and pray for this women who was passed out.. I said to God, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? and couldn't help but pray for her from my chair... but I need to be willing to get up, what do I have to loose by praying over a women in a meeting?? nothing..

God is the King of these people, and knowing that all is well........ God is the King of this City...and He is leading me serve him and follow his call for my life..so that I can become the women of God that he has called me to be.....


I thank God, whom I serve, as my forefathers did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers. Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy. I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God,

2 Timothy 1:3-8



That is the passage that I have been stuck on for the past 2 weeks reflecting on it, praying, and meditating on this passage.... it is powerful, and amazing!!! Do I know what God is calling me to, but I feel it coming..and I am excited to what is happening in my life...

(all the pictures were taken with my cell phone....



wow..I think I forgot to post or something.. but anyways.. Mr, Feisty is 3 years old today!!! it is amazing.. his heart is doing REALLY good.. Praise GOD!! for that..he doesn't have to go back to the heart DR until May..... :)...


It is amazing that he is 3, he has been through so much this year, but I see God working in his Young life, allowing him to just be a kid.. it is amazing to see God work in his life.. I love him aloe..he is pretty much the most amazing Mr, feisty..and not to mention he now says my name..which is a big deal for a three year old who doesn't really talk, except now he is starting to talk ALOT now..so it is fun... hearing him say new words.. :P......


So school has been really good I love my classes!! I was sitting in my 250 person lecture today, and all of a sudden it just hit me how much God has blessed me, how he has given me the opportunity to get an education...and how fast life goes....all of I sudden I was thinking wow, I am going to be a junior in college next year..I remember when I was a junior in high school... it his me, that God has continually taken care of me, I am not hungry, I have a roof over my head, I can buy 400 dollars worth of text books each quarter, I don't know how it is done..when I don't work, I just go to school and fully rely on God to provide all of what I need..and in 2 years of being in college there has never been a moment that I have not been cared for... never a moment that I am without what is needed... it is hard to fully rely on God with everything trusting that he will take care of all my needs, but he does...and that is why today I have felt BLESSED... I have felt so loved by Jesus, like he is reaching down and saying "Daughter, I am proud of you, for doing what I have called you to do, it has not been easy, but through these hard times you have been taken care of, never will I leave you, never will I forsake you"... there is nothing better than a reminder from Jesus, showing us how blessed we truly are......



Tonight, I was listening to Jeremy Camp's new CD, and started listening to one of his songs called There will be a Day, it is pretty much amazing! here are the words:

There Will Be A Day lyrics

I try to hold

on to this world with everything

I have But I feel the weight of what it brings,

and the hurt that tries to grab

The many trials that seem to never end,

His word declares this truth,that we will

enter in this rest with wonders anew

(Pre-Chorus)

But I hold on to this hope and the promise

that He brings That there will be a place

with no more suffering(

Chorus)

There will be a day with no more tears,

no more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place,

will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to you

always I know the journey seems so long

You feel you’re walking on your own

But there has never been a step

Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart

Cause joy and peace he brings

And the beauty that’s in store

Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

(Pre-Chorus)

(Chorus)

I can’t wait until that day where

the very one I’ve lived for

always will wipe away the sorrow that

I’ve faced To touch the scars

that rescued me from a life of

shame and misery this is

why this is why I sing

(Chorus)

This song is amazing, it brings so much peace and hope..and as we are getting closer and closer, to transplant.....knowing that no matter what happens, Jesus, has a plan for A-mans life,..

Tomorrow is feisty's surgery.. I pray that he is okay.. and that nothing will go wrong.. I know that God is in Control... but pray for the doctors and nurses, and any medical staff that will be touching feisty...

Also pray for my mom, as she will be with his birth-mom all day tomorrow...pray for patients and love... for her..and for my mom to to be a light into feisty's mom life....

AND ON A HAPPY NOTE... THE JUDGE HAS AGREED WITH THE PARENTING PLAN..AND HE IS GOING TO BECOME A JAMES!!! HOPEFULLY BY THIS FALL..he will be with us forever!!

OH I CAN'T WAIT TO SAY HIS FULL NAME and to be able to post pictures of him..because he is one photogenic baby..he even poses for pictures... he is 10 months old!! (8 at corrected age) and he is posing for pictures..

All I have to say, is that in one month I became so lazy from being on winter break.. I am so tired.... but honestly I love all my classes..and I am done three days of the week by noon..and then the other two by 4:20..the reason I am out so late is because I am taking an Amazing class to enrich my education... :P..... the Class is Dinosaurs...that is right.. I am so excited for that class and to learn about dino's!!!!!!!!!!! I don't agree with some of the stuff that they are teaching me.. such as evolution... but when I went to the UW I knew that I would have to pick and choose what I accept as true information..and I am okay with that..it has really challenged me beyond a new level of thinking.. BUT I feel the excitement that I used to feel when I was a child..it is something about that class that brings out the inner child in everyone who takes it!!! I am so excited!!! my other three classes are just as good if not more challenging! I am talking Spanish, Comparative social change (Sociology), and Intro to cultural studies (English)...

It is pretty much amazing!! but man oh man..I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning in order to make it to school on time..... it is so crazy... but it is sooo worth it..

I should be in bed..but I bought a diffuser from target last week and it fell over now my room smells like a overly smell mess oily mess and it wont go away...so I cant sleep... Coffee is my new friend..... white chocolate mocha coming right up!!!

A-man is still home! which is amazing... KNOCK ON REALLY HARD THICK WOOD.. he does have clinic tomorrow so hopefully his blood cultures will come up negative..and we wont have to be admitted back to the hospital.. this Saturday he will be home for one month..that is so amazing! next Monday he will break the record for how long he has been home... since my parents first took him into care at the end of June....

Mr, Feisty has been full of D-R-A-M-A! last week he has tube's in his ears, and this coming Friday he is getting a small heart surgery to check on his heart and to make sure that his heart is functioning just fine.. to be honest I am scared and praying that nothing goes wrong during the surgery.... I say any surgery having to deal with the main artery in your body is not a small surgery.. but then again I love my feisty man... and don't want anything to go wrong.. he is also turning 3 this month.. he is so little.. he is my peanut... and is starting to talk it is so much fun to see him grow and to see him express himself..and to just be able to be a kid!!! he is definitely my little mini-me.. ...he loves himself some sissy time.. and when he wants to he will say my namebut now very often.... this month Mr, Feisty is the longest placement that we have had in the past 2 years.. and he has almost been with us a year in 4 months...time sure does fly by... it is crazy...

lately I have found myself praying more for the Birth parents of these two baby's and praying that God can work in their lives, that he can have his will in the lives of their birth parents.... I believe we will be able to adopt A-man but nothing is final until we are standing in front of the judge and my parents say his new name A-man Wesley James. and Mr, feisty we don't know what is going to happen.... all I know is we need a bigger house and a room set up for a little girl.... because my parents are wanting to take care of Feisty's older sister "Dotty"... I want her.. I want her to come and live with us she is a ball of energy just like Feisty but she is 10 and pretty much the cutest thing.... but before we could even take her in... we need a bigger house... and living in the city is not cheap... so finding a house that is just right for us is going to only be given by God's will.. it will be so much fun to set up a room for "Dotty" if she was able to come and live with us! .... I keep praying that we find just the right house..

Okay I need to go to bed, because for 1, the smell has kinda gone away and 2, I need to be up in 4 1/2 hours.....

Seattle Traffic... everyone loves it!!.. we didnt move more than 100 feet for about 30 minutes....