Get married, how to make it happen

One of the Blogs that I have followed for some time recommended a book titled "Get married, how to make it happen" by Candace waters. I usually don't go and buy books but It was cheap and the first pages I read where really insightful. this book changed my whole perception and thought about finding a future Husband and the quality's and expectations that I have.

before I read this book I had the idea of my "Perfect Husband", he was to have a college degree, church leader, love kids, love God, actively involved in ministry, want to adopt children in the future. in my mind this person was to be a person of perfection......my thought was that Education was important because I have worked so hard to get to the point and fought hard to earn my bachelors degree.

In so many ways I was wrong, yes he should love Jesus and want to be involved in ministry... but it is so much more than that...... one of the main points was was this,
Can we serve God better together than alone?

I had never thought of this but now I realize one of the main reason for being in a marriage is to love and be in relationship with each other, but the center of the marriage should be God.. together we should be able to serve God better than if we were alone..

Another point was that so many young women have these expectations that are so high that many women are finding themselves getting married later on in life (nothing wrong with that)... and then by the time they are 30 the marriage pool is so much smaller and in some sense all the "Good" men are already married. instead of having these expectations that are so high we should focus on two questions...

1, Would be a good Husband? -Could you see yourself honoring and respecting him
2, Would he be a good Father? - How does he act around/with kids

I thought this was important and I did not deep soul searching and realized that I have pushed guys away because I was focusing only on if they had an education or not... in reality I am glad that I am not together with him because I did not respect him or honor him.. I was 18..and it was my first boyfriend.. I have learned so much since then..

and of course I added:
3, Does he love God and want to serve him in his everyday life? -some kind of ministry, this is an important part of my life and I believe it always will some of this includes what does he believe in women leaders/pastors?)
I think that this is important because for one I am a women (Duh!!) but I don't want to be held back from the work/ministry God has called me to...
I do understand though that the man is the head of the house he is the leader and I need to submit myself to his authority and leadership..I get it.. but I would hope together we could work and pray for what God has planned for our lives...

I now realize that marriage is so much more than having an education I should not be asking myself, Does he have an education? but rather can I see myself honoring and respecting for how God created him? and if the answer is yes then the rest could be history..haha... In a sense that opened up so many more prospective future husbands by realizing that it is so much more than having an education...

this book I tell you is AMAZING!! I love it and in so many ways it has prepared me to get ready and to pray for my future husband as I wait.. I always told myself I would wait to get married until I graduated college and had a four year degree...well I am so much closer to having that degree and I think the "I want to get married" bug has hit me hard... as I realize that I am not getting any younger and friends are getting married all around me. does not make it any easier to wait..

In a Funk

To be honest I have been feeling down.. I am missing my brother and not knowing exactly what had been going on with him until today they finally started to treat him for GVHD after two weeks of being in the hospital... I am feeling down about serving with LNO and all the negativity I am receiving from others.... I miss EV I really do... My friends are having problems with their health and personal lives that it is weighing me down... I haven't been to church in 3 weeks because honestly I did not want to go but rather be at home and rest and be with mr, feisty's sister while she was here...also with church there was an issue and hurt feelings but thankfully I hope got resolved today in Gods timing not mine..I was just about to e-mail the person and ask that we meet together but I ran into her at wal-mart God's timing is better than my timing...not to mention starting spring quarter is not always easy with having a baby in the hospital... watching Mr, Fesity's sister leave has not been easy by any means.. all these situation are going on at once and I don't know how to process yet..

There is so much going on I feel like How can an amazing and grateful God use someone like me, broken and a mess.. it is so easy to act like everything is okay..but really it is not.. I cant hide that anymore.. I came to the conclusion that I am sick of myself... I am sick of my sinful human ways.... I am tired of only relying on my human strength because it has not gotten me far... I am sick of "Acting" like I am a super christian because honestly I am not...

I need to decrease so that he can increase in my life.

I need to spend more one on one time with God, I need to spend time before God and allow his word to meditate in my heart, to be honest I have not been doing that lately.. I love serving on LNO but it is hard to be out there and to see a reality of the lives that these precious women are living.. I want to cry out to God for the lives of these women and to see their lives transformed..

I went to a concert last Thursday and the lead singer of Mercy me was saying that it is so great that Jesus Loves us right where we are and accepts right where we are at.. such a simple message but powerful word.. I am so glad that I know a loving God that even in my mess and human ways he calls us his own...

At the concert was one of the new songs by Mercy me "All of Creation", it is an Amazing Song...and speaks to so much of what I am going through...

I get it..

"It doesn't matter who it is: You need to set them free and See how God can bring them back into your life."

It is so hard to let people go and see them move on. it was this time last year that I had to do just that. I wrote about this particular situation last year...Tonight I was on Facebook and I ran into a comment that someone posted.. and it stuck out to me... I immediately thought of EV.... I miss her but yet I have moved on and been healed by a loving and powerful God.It makes perfect sense...My human ways have caused me to loose one of my closest friends, my human ways of fighting and trying to communicate have failed... It is a reminder that God can do anything that my human mind is not capable of conceiving, if I choose to let go and see him work... it is that letting go and completely trusting God that someday this situation will be dealt with, that good will come out of this horrible ending to a friendship...

Randomness...

SO much has happened lately!! this is just random information of whats been happening

1, It is OFFICIAL!! Mr, Feisty is going to be adopted by my parents they have a big meeting coming up soon... he is such an amazing little boy and I will be so happy once he is my forever brother!!!! My parents are changing his name mostly for security reason... but his new name is CUTE!!! and fits him alot better

2, Mr, Feisty's sister moved to the mid-west last week...it was sad to see her go but I kept reminding myself that this was not a goodbye but a see ya later!! the day before she left we went on a girls date downtown and went to Ivar's and the aquarium..since well there is NO water where she lives..... I don't get how people can go their whole lives not living by any source of water.. when she left I have her a kiss and she insisted that if she was not going to attach herself to me and refuse to go with our social worker that I had a spin her around 5 times... so of course I did and then two extra because that is how old she is and because she is a special girl!! I have fallen in love with her in the three months that we had her on weekends.. I miss her but I know one day we will meet again and I will be able to give her hugs and spins!!!

3, This adopting Feisty has brought into out family an extended family and it is simple that our lives will never be the same.. we talk with feisty's sister at lease once per a week if not more.... these last couple times I have talked with feisty's aunt she is a nice lady... hopefully they can figure out skype soon so the kids can see each other....

4, I am so close to graduating college!!! I have 3 more quarters left!!! I will be done fall quarter... I cant believe it that I am almost done it seems like yesterday that I started..life is going by so fast I never thought I would make it through collage, the high school I went to did not prepare me at all to do the level of work that would be needed for collage. after three years I have it down pretty well!!! if I am not done fall quarter then it will be spring. my plans after that are to take maybe one quarter off and just rest and be with my family... but to also take time away from my busy life and reflect on where God desires for me to go next in life. I am thinking of this time as a sabbatical it has been a hard 4 years and more than ever I feel like I need to rest and recharge...
After that time of rest and renewal I am planning on attending community collage for about a year to get my Chemical dependency certificate and to complete a couple of classes that I will need for graduate school. when done with this I hope to work and gain some experience in the field.. after a couple of years I want to get my masters in Social work. this is what the plan is but I know all that it often does not go this way..I went to university to get my degree in Social work and ended up getting a degree in Sociology....

5, Anthony is back in the hospital after being out for three months..and the doctors have no idea what is going on..and honestly this stinks... I pray and hope that they find out soon I am praying that they do a biopsy of his gut and bottom..but we shall see..hopefully SOON

Lindsay

Its march???

oh my..
I cannot believe how fast February went by...
that means finals in 2 weeks....AHHHH

I just realized that it was February 2 weeks ago...oops. :)

but today is the day that we make it official and find out for sure if my parents are going to be adopting Mr, Feisty...to be honest I am nervous but I don't think at this point they would throw a curve ball and send him afar to his family in the mid-west... but then again it is the state of Washington...

These next few weekends are going to go and come... Mr fiesty's sister has been coming on the weekends for visit...and I have pretty much fallen in love....but besides that she is moving to her aunt and uncles in the midwest..in order for Mr Feisty to get to spend some quality time together she has been visiting every weekend for the past two weeks...she leaves the 18th of march which is....cough....my last final of winter quarter...Sometimes I don't know how I do it all but I do by the grace of God!! and maybe a little starbucks every now and then....

L-O-V-E

This sums everything up.... The verse from Corinthians is one that we hang up when we are out on the corner with the Girls... it is our wish that they could find true love that is in Jesus Christ...

The Littlest Soldiers

The Littlest Soldiers

Th​e medals on our chests
Are portacaths for meds
Helmets won't stay on
Cause no hair is on our heads.

Our weapons of destruction​
We take every day
We fight the battle within us
While we struggle on to play.

We fight with honor and courage
No marine could do as well
We are only little children
Liv​ing in this hell.

So bring on the medals
The Purple Hearts of Wars
The Gold Cross, The Silver Star
To place upon our scars.

For We are the Children of Cancer
No one has fought so hard
But every day we struggle on
Our LIFE is our reward.
​ by Cheryl Jagannathan​


This is so true! I think of Anthony as my hero. I remember the many times of chemo, surgery's, bazillion medicines that are helping to save his life (he still takes a lot), the sleepless night, and most of all I remember the struggle that this battle has been. we are far from over but little by little we are getting closer. Although we have kissed HLH (his blood disease) goodbye it is all but a distance memory. he is still not able to live a life of a normal 2 year old...but let me tell you the strength that he has is AMAZING!!! The strength that all kids have in order to fight these diseases is incredible. Just thinking about it brings me to tears because I have lived seen and experienced the emotions, the heartache, and small miracles that come along with this journey many call Cancer, although Anthony did not have cancer the only way to heal his disease is to give the same regimen as someone with cancer.

These kids are my hero's and if nothing else by walking beside my brother through his darkest moments in this journey have taught me to be strong and to not give up, to not loose hope..

Tomorrow Anthony reaches a HUGE milestone!! ever since Anthony has been in our care he has had either a central line or exterior picc line in either his chest or right arm.. He is doing SO well that the doctors now feel that he is healthy enough to get the line out.... honestly I am scared because the line he has in now is the last line that most likely the doctors will be able to get in because of all the blood clots that he has in his chest from the central lines. It is a big step in the right direction but once again, we cannot forget and wonder about the what ifs... The amazing part of this is that for the first time ever it will be so much easier to get him dressed, bathes, and to give him the chance to live a normal life without having to worry about pulling the picc line out!!!!

Anthony you are my hero!! I am so amazed at how far you have come since your transplant!!

Nimby (Not in my back yard)

H Thank goodness for the reminders that we are forgiven. This past Friday I was reading a book called "Renting Lacy" that really shows the life and troubles and life that a girl goes through as she is living the life as a prostitute. it is a heavy book. really good but I caught myself REALLY angry at men. The book points out why prostitution is still existing it is a simple economic term of supply and demand. there are men who desire to have sex so therefore there is a demand for women to full fill that. it caught me completely off guard but I was angry, I was angry at the devil for the liar he is. I still am. I am angry because it is not just a simple matter of supply and demand. I know the faces and the hardships that these women have to go through. simply I am hurting for them I am angry that there are men out there using and abusing women for their body's. These men are all types of different men races, cultures, ages, heights, single, married men, different social economic classes you name it they are out there... and simply I am pissed off that they are out there.

but I know they still need Jesus they t hemselves deserve and need to know the love that Christ has. No one night stand or 20 minutes of pleasure can full fill the lifetime of pain that they are feeling. The loneliness and lust that drives these johns (A john is a person who is seeking to pay money in order for exchange for a sexual act) out there night after night. The person who can change these men is Jesus, I think they seriously need a holy woopin from the heavenly father. I think of the wife's that are at home. wondering where their husbands are. I think of the diseases and pain that those wives are exposed to. the innocent lives that are lost. The family's that are broken because of the reason that drives these johns.

Human trafficking is real it is a BIG issue. it is real it is just not in 3rd world country's it is in America people say NIMBY (Not in my back yard) but I can simply tell you, yes it is. It is our American girls who are mostly involved in the life in America.

My prayer is that God will step on the scorpions and snakes that is out there on the streets and that Prostitution will forever go away in the United states. I believe it could happen. Prayer changes life's, knocks down walls, raises the dead, heals the sick, and many other things that our human. Minds minds can even begin to Image.

Happy 2nd birthday!!!

Dear Anthony,

I remember like it was yesterday hearing about a sweet four month old that was sitting in the hospital. He was a sick baby and the doctors had no idea if he was going to make it. The only chance that he would have to live is if he received a bone marrow transplant. I remember when mommy told me about you I started crying because for some reason I felt your pain and I fell in love with you. I had not seen a picture of you or heard your sweet laugh but Anthony it was in that fudge shop as mommy was telling me about meeting you for the first time. I fell in love with the miracle and life that you were then and still are today.



I got home that night from a weekend retreat and begged mommy to bring me up to the hospital to meet you for the first time. It seemed like it took forever to get there but finally we did. I remember seeing your laugh and smile, the pain you where in was no joke either but you fought hard to stay alive. It did not take long for all of us to fall completely in love with. I mean head over hills you have mommy, daddy, and me wrapped around your fingers, you my dear where simply AMAZING!! no words could express. the time I knew you where going to be a keeper is when daddy and I came to visit and it was so hard to walk away from your hospital room. I felt guilty leaving you. it wasn't soon after that that the doctors and nurses started to ask when we where going to start spending the night with you. it didn't take long Anthony, mommy and daddy worked out their schedules so that one of them would be up at the hospital with you at all times. You know whats amazing little man? is that 2 years later, whenever you go into the hospital we work it out so that someone is with you while you stay in the hospital!!!



In a matter of days you changed our family! it was still not easy seeing you so sick. Having to go through chemotherapy and take all the medicines to keep you alive. We knew of the transplant you would have to have but we took you in because we knew you needed a family, but really Anthony we saw you and could not walk away from you, we loved with a love that can only come from a loving God. we loved you because we knew God was calling you to be in our family. we also loved you because who couldn't you were seriously the cutest little guy!!



Looking at you two years later brings tears to my eyes thinking about the first days that you came to be in our family. It is amazing to see how such an AMAZING God could entrust us to such a fragile and precious gift. I am amazed and thankful to be your big sister, in so many ways I feel like you have taught me lessons. I also can not deny the fact that I love it when you call my name! or when you put your hands up in the air waving them like you just don't care!!! wanting to be picked up... I also could not love more the fact that you love pajamas and have recently found where your pj's are in your dresser and bring them to us to put on you. I also could not love more the contagious laugh and smile that you have. when you tell us to be quite, you put you finger in your nose and say "SHHHH"... whenever something happens that you don't like you say "Darn it" or just in general to anything that happens..... or when we ask you questions you actually know what we are talking about and can respond with a simply "yeah" or "No" in the sweetest voice....



what am I trying to say? I love you Anthony Wesley and I am so glad that you have been brought into our family through adoption there is no other way I would have wanted to meet you!! I wish you never had to go through all that pain and sickness but Anthony you have fought the roughest battle of your life and made it!! so keep living life and I pray that one day you will become the young man that God has created you to be.



Happy 2nd Birthday!!


Love,
big sister

good news!!!

I heard some news...I thought I would share



The word is unofficial..



but rumor has it



that this Four year old



Is going To



Be adopted by my parents!!!

I will dance,

I will dance like David danced!!

that's all I can say no more, no less....... can't go into details yet...but lets just say for the first time in MONTHS I feel a sense of relief...I felt burdens be lifted off my back....

Can I just say, God is so good??

I cant wait to post about probably the most amazing news!!! :)
if all goes well and the plans do not change.....
God is still good even if things don't go as planned...

why one should not pole dance

so last Thursday I had to stay at school late to make a long story late I ended up wandering through scary downtown Seattle to the ministry, where I volunteer out...........and I was with my two supervisors for the late night program...... well we where talking about how now days girls in college are doing pole dancing and it is the "Cool" thing.....apparently both of them have seen this video before and got on the computer ......and let me tell you all three of us where laughing so HARD !!!

This video is HILARIOUS!!

Happy belated 4th birthday

Dear Mr, Feisty

How can I express my love for you little man? As I look at you I see a little boy who has been restored and healed in ways that only God can do! you came to us so small and petite, you are still small but your heart is BIG!!!! you show me what it is to be joyful

when you came to us you would barely talk and now your words amazing me! what you know and express everyday brings a smile to my face!! your new saying is "Lindsay I need you" and of course I can not deny that!!! because you are just so cute! Oh and who could not smile when you put your arms around me and give me hug saying " my Sissy" yes you are a charmer!!

You are such a Joy I have enjoyed being a part of your life and to witness a miracle happen right in front of my eyes... My prayer for you buddy is that God can continue to heal and protect you. Mostly that God can continue that work that he has started in you at such a young age.. we don't know whether we will be your forever family but we will always pray for you and think of you no matter what happens. The one thing I want for you is that you grow up to be a man of God and you would give your whole heart to him. Feisty, I pray that you will lay all your burdens down at the foot of the cross...

Happy Birthday sweet boy!!!

Love you,
Sister

it's a battle out there

It is amazing how God works....what the devils means for harm and destruction...can draw you closer to the almighty savior.... Last Thursday in my update I wrote:

"I am feeling like tomorrow night is going to be busy, this is a spiritual warfare that is going on but prayer is the most powerful weapon that we have as Christians"

I had no idea how true this would become the next night as I was on outreach. we were stepping on territory and crossing boundaries that have not been passed thus with the men's ministry they were preaching and opening up in ways like never before to the two B and D who are the men's leaders who work in the pimp outreach ministry. they were stepping and breaking ground it was amazing to hear.

Some of our Girls had exciting news, it was a slow night but we prayed and had community on that corner... most of the girls left the streets and went home because of the increased police activity. it was amazing to see. it was a totally different night then the other nights that I have been out.

We left the streets about 2:20 went back and closed up in prayer. D was giving B and I a ride home. all the way to B's house they were laughing with joy because of the amazing ground and progress they have made they said it was like a break through that they had been praying for...

fast forward about 15 minutes later and D and I were at a stop light it had turned red to we were stopped, about a minutes later it turned green and then out of NOWHERE a car came and flew into the back of D's car and we went flying in the intersection, D couldn't put his feet on the break but thankfully he had automatic lock in his car. we sat there breathless and without words.

we were shaken up I reached into my pocket of my coat and called 911 at that point I only felt a little pain but D automatically felt the pain and could barely move. I asked for the emergency cars to come. we sat in the car just waiting finally, finally after about 10 minutes aid and police cars came.

The cars behind us was a mess it was crashed all the way to the window shield and D's car is a brand new car and unfortunately is totaled. I called D's wife letting her know of the accident, called again then she got it and woke up. I finally called my dad letting them know having him come to the scene of the accident. at that point I was shaking and really not in any pain I was worried about D getting out of the car safely, the car being taken care of, D's wife knowing where he was going to be at, getting all of his valuables out of his car... lets just say I was being me making sure that everything else was taken care of before I took care of myself..

about 35 minutes after the accident I was standing there shaking and freezing cold like never before I started to feel the pain and decided to seek medical attention... I hopped into the aid car and within 5 minutes my neck, back, and head where hurting with pain like I have never felt. I was still shaking... we had to wait for a back bored to come because apparently you have to be on one if you seek air after an accident.. "It is standard procedure"... finally they came and they strapped me to a bored and at that point I had a neck brace on. I was sitting in the car and I told D, "This feels like a dream" he said "I know it has happened so fast" mind you it was 3:30 in the morning when the accident happened...

I will never forget laying on the stretcher and God showing me, "Lindsay this is how the girls feel, they feel like they are stuck in bondage".. It amazes me still that in that moment he chose to show me what it was like.. It was real and I felt the pain they were in.. The bondage and helplessness that they are experiencing, as they are living this life. it was painful and it has brought me to my knees even more.

As we rode in the ambulance D said that is felt like we were riding on a sleigh backwards... lets just say we were tied and in pain, but we were laughing hard I don't remember about what but we were laughing.. At one point I said "Stop making me laugh it hurts to much" and we just laughed more. It is true that the Joy of the lord it your strength!!

as we got to the hospital I was shaking still, it turns out I was in complete shock and my temperature was dropping rapidly.

after x-rays, blood test, urine test, other test that are to uncomfortable to talk about... we were set free to go home.. ALL we have severe neck and back whip lash..... and let me say it is painful but I have to give God the glory because it could of been a lot worst than what it is. I have stayed home all week to rest and recuperate from the injury's. unfortunately for us and the other guy he had no car insurance... which in the end D's insurance will go after the other driver. it is sad but their is a reason you have car insurance.. although it cost to much and usually nothing happens, it is for that one time when something does happen.....

It would be easy to cry and scream at God as to why this happened but I have to say it was an attack it was meant to bring us down. it is an attack on D because of the places he is taking the church, with work and late night outreach with the guys....and on me because of how God is working and changing my life. it was clearly an attack but to be honest it has helped me to see God in a much clearer way and know that this is what he wants me to be doing. there is so much going on and with ministry and school....

It is a reminder that their is a spiritual battle going on with peoples life, and when we are going to reach out and claim Gods glory by building life changing relationships we are going to be attacked but we can not let that stop us.. it is only a confirmation like I said that God needs us to be working in our citys.

I need to head to bed it hurts to sit to long... but I am excited to get back out there but my supervisor has already made it clear that I am not allowed to go out this friday.. I am going to stay at home and pray!! Because honestly I love being out there, although I almost cry everytime out of compassion God has given me a heart for those women.

outreach update

Today I am heavy with the weight of so many things...
I can feel my heart breaking for the woman that I work with
I have been involved with the Late Night outreach(LNO) since November of 2009 which works with women who are involved with prostituting. I can tell I am not the same person I was that street corner has changed my life.

But tonight I am extra heavy I am carrying a burdened for those woman who I see on the Friday and Saturday nights that I am out there. I am aching inside for the life they are living. The pain they are going through. The kids who are left at home. The men who are deceiving them. The police who are arresting them giving them Justice but that they could be fair and understand the lives of these Woman.

But there are AMAZING things that God is doing in the state there is a law that is going to the senate (Cant go into details but be praying for the Law that might be passed), there is a conference in Washington DC with Police, Lawyers, prosecuting attorneys, ministries, social services meeting together to rally and learn more about the issue of the Life.
God is moving in a miraculous way!

More and more of our young Woman involved in the life are saying they want to leave the life, they say it laughingly but deep down they Do... we have and know of resources to help them get out of the life if they want really want to...

God IS moving! all around the world, in this country and in the state of Washington.

I am feeling like tomorrow night is going to be busy, this is a spiritual warfare that is going on but prayer is the most powerful weapon that we have as Christians, I know when I am out on the streets I will see a girl and begin praying for her I may not know her name but God does and he hears those prayers. If you feel lead to please pray for these Precious Ladies that God can grip them and show them what real love is.

come on...

Dear state of Washington,

Can you please just make a decision as to whether these children are moving away or Mr, feisty is living with us forever... or if maybe just maybe Feisty's sister shebebob can come and live with us?? I mean he has been in our care for almost 2 years.... but for his sake so that he can have permanency in his life..and in the life's of his 2 other siblings... can you PLEASE hurry up?? this stinks I want my parents to adopt him he is clearly attached to us.....technically the state is supposed to have permanency with 18 months of placement..and well we are beyond that... I cant imagine saying goodbye to him..it would be heart breaking...for my family and Mr, feisty.... but seriously state... these mixed emotions of knowing the possibility of him leaving the last 6 months have led us to be scared of losing and not knowing what is to come..and it hurts..

I Understand that Anthony's adoption was on the fast track because of his transplant and the state did not want to have the responsibility for making those life changing decisions but seriously, can you begin to move this case little faster??? can you please just be fair to these children they have lost so much already... They don't need to be waiting and not knowing where their forever home is going to be...whether in Washington or the other side of the country

maybe state this is why you loose all your foster good parents...because you burn them out..

sincerely,
A foster sister

Give it all away

Tonight I was trying to really thing about where God is leading me this year and beyond as I get ready to graduate college, kind of scary!! but when I heard the song "Give it all away" by Aaron Shust it stuck out because it is talking about laying all your dreams, plans,time and everything that I have to a lay it down at the foot of the cross and submitting them to God..
the song goes on to say that God gave it all away for me!! what more can I do? lay all of my plans and dreams at the foot of the cross..

It is not hard doing that! it is hard letting go because I will be honest for a second..I love to plan and have plans about what the next step is going to be but also to be brutally honest none of my plans that I thought were sooo perfect have ever happened..somehow God has taken charge and said "NO LINDSAY I don't want you to do it your way.....let me lead and you can follow"

so this year my goal is to give all my plans and dreams to God and allow him to work through me... is it easy? no but this journey of being a believer is not easy but worth it! what is better than allowing the Creator of the universe use you and transform your life!

2009 in a nutshell

2009, what a year it was! it was full of tears and laughter. in the beginning of 2009 I had a fear of my brothers upcoming transplant not knowing what the outcomes. the fear and worry that I had was hard to say the least. the continuing of chemo every other week, medicine that would make him sick to say the least it was hard but it is what we were used to just surviving and living on the hope that Jesus alone can provide.

It was a year of lost and letting go of close friends and although this was hard at the time I am thankful to not have that burdened on me any longer. it is not me that can save people from their bad choices but God and with that I am thankful and free from that situation!!!! in fact on her wedding day I got my drivers permit, a symbolism of being free..haha :)

It was a year of finally after the swine flu and blood infections, Anthony finally received his life saving transplant!! I will never forget watching those blood cord cells going into his little body, knowing that in that moment he was given a second chance at life! at times it was rough and hard but God blessed us with a miracle and today he is 100% en grafted with his new cells and is HLH free!!! we still have the occasional hospital visits for blood infections.

I stayed in school for summer Quarter, and pretty much kicked booty! I ministered on my campus along with an open air preacher. in that moment I gained my passion for serving and telling people about Jesus again. I prayed for so long and asked God to show me where he would have me work for him, and he told me to wait...

we received news that Mr, feisty had "relatives" that would be willing to take him, the thing is they are not blood and he does not know or really care about them, we don't know where he will end up....still we pray and hope that God can work in this situation.

My parents adopted Anthony!!! (the Governor of Washington was relieved)

I got accepted into the Sociology major! I am planning on being done after winter quarter 2011 and attending community college for a year or so to get my certificate in chemical dependency and to full full some classes that I will need in order to attend graduate school. (those classes I need are offed at UW but there are SOO Many people that I would rather take it in a smaller setting)

I turned 21!!! nothing to exciting but during that time I was praying about what ministry God would have me do, and he still said nothing.....finally around that time he said "women" and that was the only word I heard... I was like OKAY.... A few weeks later I got a call from My mentor Sheila asking me if I wanted to be a part of Late night outreach....and of course I knew it was where God wanted me to volunteer.....three nights out and a Christmas party later I am simply in love with that ministry and all that we do there......

To say the least God has transformed me and renewed me in so many ways this year! he has definitely been working and maturing me this year, I am no longer a teenager that wrote in this blog but rather a women that God is changing and using!

I am excited for what 2010 holds in store, I am excited to be getting closer to graduating, buying my first car, working late night and the passion and opportunity's that can come along with that! simply I am in Awe of what God has done and will continue to do in my parents, brothers and my life!

Hope.

Living through this Journey with Anthony receiving a life saving bone marrow transplant... I wont deny the fact that I did wonder "what if he didn't make it" to think about last year and this time we were faced with so many "what ifs" and although he has thrived and is doing well besides the occasional blood infections he is doing amazing!! but what is it that has kept us going throughout these past two years?

it is hard to see the other family's dealing with Cancer, the bonds with the other kids that my mom and dad have become close to. one girl "A" has only one more chance to fight this beast, and it hurts to think that this young girl is missing so much her senior year. its real her parents and family are realizing the reality of this nightmare. we pray that God would heal her.

It is hard remembering the day the teenage boy passed away, we all knew he was really sick and loosing his battle to cancer but still it is still hard. that week before he passed the rabbi's were coming and visiting the hospital. A few days later my mom called and said that in the moring he passed away. the hallways flooded with family and friends as they wheeled his body down the hallway passed my brothers room.

Or the time when the little boy who was 8 pleaded with his mom and dad saying "I dont want to do this anymore I just want to go home" he was tired of the chemo going into his body and making him sick.

Everyone took it hard. what gets me is why these nurses and Doctors work with these children. sometimes I believe that it is for the hope of one day knowing that these children have fought their battle to the best of their ability. To be able to one day know that at the end of their work day they worked the hardest and followed all of the protocols that are available.

Hope.
is the one word that I think of when I think of all the parents, doctors and nurses trying to fight and get rid of this disease.

It is hope that keeps us going,
it is hope that has kept me going knowing that God is there healing and watching out for Anthony.
It is hope
the one thing you can hold on to when your whole world is being shaken.

This little Boy brings me hope as I go about my days,
even though this picture is old it brougt be hope
during his transplant.

The waiting room

To be honest this year has been difficult..
It is hard to imagine how much my life has changed in one year!
it is hard to think of the community of people that I had a year ago are the people who despise me today.
it is hard to think that even though what the devil meant for harm it has been turned into something beautiful. although there are people that have gone and moved on so have I. it felt like this year I have been sitting in a waiting room waiting for Answers from God...

last thanksgiving we were anticipating the transplant date and the hopeful adoption of my brother. we struggled between the fine line of "What if" and "how come" but today we are rejoicing with praise and thanksgiving because of the miraculous healing of Anthony... he is 100% engrafted with his donor cells and doing amazingly well and far passed any expectations that the team had for him. we are in great communication with his birth family and his mom is still holding on and waiting to see her birth son. we are thankful for "S" and the gift of open adoption that we are forever thankful for!

This thanksgiving we went to my uncles house and celebrated thanksgiving with my aunt, uncle and cousins for the first time in 10 years. I know my grandma and Grandpa were there in spirit rejoicing from heaven seeing their children and grandchildren gather. I looked at Grandma and Grandpa's pictures in their hallway know that this is what they had prayed for when they started a family.

The last five years, I was knew that God was calling me to be involved with late night night outreach a ministry that works with women involved with prostitution and tonight marks the night that I go out and begin that work. to be honest like I have said this past year God kept telling me to wait for what he has called me to do.. about a week after I turned 21 I was praying and the only word I got was the word "Women" I was like okay..you want me to work with women but where and who? and that was in my head for awhile and then a couple days later I got a call from my mentor who knew that I wanted to work with late night and that I was finally old enough.. so she called and we chatted.. I filled out my paperwork, set up an interview and then training came... it has taken forever.... to get to tonight but I am excited!!! to see what God is doing on the streets and in the life's of these women.

so tonight I am no longer in the waiting room I am prepared as much as possible to go out and I found from a blog that I read and I think it apples to me and really describes this past year... he told me "No" so many times and tonight he is telling me "YES"

Happy birthday N!!

Dear N,


oh sweet N..you were so tiny and small when you came home..you came home not to live but yet the God of the universe chose to keep and give you life! you where the miracle and baby girl that we had been praying for!!! I will never forget the moment I knew I loved you we were sitting on the couch and you just starred at me and smiled... it was a moment that will never be forgotten!!


I remember the days of watching you dance to music, learn to talk.. you N where a miracle a little piece of Heaven.. although you don't remember me now you still have a piece of my heart.. I know you are safe and I pray for you every night..


My wish for you as that as you grow up that you will be drawn to the God of the universe and know that you are loved... that you will want to serve him with all you have...


I still love you and even though it has been almost two years since you left... may you be blessed on your 3rd birthday!!



Love,

Lindsay

I am mad at the state...
I so wish that I could break the walls and social systems that have been set up...
I wish that I could yell in the faces of the social workers asking what they are thinking????

I wish and hope to see a miracle happen...

What would that miracle be??

for feisty to stay with us forever! I cant go into the situation in detail but I am sad and scared that he might be ripped away from us..but I still believe that God can perform a miracle if it is in his plans for him to stay with us..

It hurts to loose him it never gets easier... and I pray that God will give me family and the other family involved peace as we may be loosing the children....and ultimately that God can protect those children as they will have to loose all security and attachments that they have formed since coming into foster care...

He knows my name

it was a normal Sunday, my brothers in the car, mom driving, dad staying home with Anthony, Starbucks before church...

the same routine as every Sunday

Church begins and like all Sundays for the past 18 months Feisty wanted me to hold him as we were singing worship songs, we sang, clapped, whispered to each other....

then the song "He knows my name" was the next song, as I starred at Feisty..his smile, his innocence, how far he has come in such a short time.... I couldn't bear to hold back my tears..I couldn't be strong anymore..I knew at that moment it was for sure that he was going..there is no more covering how I feel inside, the frustration, the hurt,how much I would love to be able to know he was not leaving...but in fact he is...
when this verse came on, my mom and I both cried, and I grabbed feisty closer and hugged him.... it was like God was holding my mom and me in that moment.... as I heard the song it was like Feisty was singing this song....

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

no matter where feisty goes God will never leave him, in fact he has the word of God planted in his heart from the past 18 months...he is always asking me to sing and play "Jesus Music", and has begun to ask questions about Jesus....No matter how much I want my brother to stay, no matter how much I want to scream.... I cant do anything..

But the God of the Universe has plans for Feisty!!! he will never let him go....I feel a better knowing that and being reminded of that...

as this whole case with Feisty is coming to a end soon and unfortunately he will be leaving..please pray for his Birth mom... that God will be her fortress and guide...that she can be healed...
Pray for my Brother Charlie as he is loosing his best bud..Charlie has already proclaimed that he wants to get the social worker and fire her from her job... Pray that God Will protect his heart and to comfort him as processes what is going on..
Pray for my mom, dad, and myself..as we have to say goodbye...

Sustain

It is amazing when the words that I have wanted to say, the emotions of being on the journey of seeing my brother go through a life saving transplant are all in one song.. the emotions and faith are tested in times of trials. relationships are tested, family's are broken. The questions and wondering why this has to happen..
Why do innocent children have to suffer in pain? why do these children have to loose their childhood to cancer and other diseases?
The continuing cycle of yelling and screaming at God, WHY???... the many nights of wondering what will happen next.. the test of faith and endurance for every family and child who are going through Cancer and other diseases....

it is not a easy time to go through, this past months have only made me passionate about serving God... It has also allowed me to see the value of life, the value of family and being there for the ones you love...

I think this song really gets at what I have thought one of the most powerful parts of the song is:

When will you give answers for the pain
Is there a place where hope can still sustain?

all though Anthony's Journey is long from being over it has been amazing to see the people come into our lives and know that Anthony will be a testament to God's grace and powerful healing.... although I scream and ask God's questions as to WHY?

God has Sustained my family....through it all




Sustain by:The glorious unseen

Cover me
there's a battlefield ahead
Cover me
there's an enemy that wants to have my head
Why do you let evil have its way?
How can you let orphans die in vain?
When will you give answers for the pain?
Is there a place where hope can still sustain?
Cover me as I walk this out alone
as I search deserted streets
for a place to call my own
I wander over all the earth

I'm like an angel without wings
I’m a song without a voice
I’m a ghost without a grave

Please, come take the burdens that have held me down so long
If I scream your name again, will you reach my bloody hands?
God, I’m holding on to you
for you can make me new

If I scream your name again, will you reach my bloody hands?
God, I’m holding to your arms
I’ve been holding on so long.

To do list; Sociology Application: Check!!!

okay...so I am excited!! it is amazing to be almost done with school... I turned in my application to the sociology major today!! I could not find my way around the new building.... but finally sociology department is at their home!!

I have two classes Sociological theory and a statistics classthat I am not excited to take ... But I might take the soc class next quarter with my friend which will be awesome and will make it easier to have a study buddy!!! and this quarter I am taking a methods class which is proving to be a little difficult.. but I am going to the library tomorrow to study and review all the material... so it should be good.. it is so neat to be at this place I am at..

although it still stings to walk past the social work building and know that I am not doing my undergraduate degree in social work I have a peace about getting a sociology degree.... it would have taken me six years to get my undergraduate degree in social work and I don't have the money to pay for college past five years.... I am excited about the opportunity's that this next 2 or 3 years will bring me...

right now I am just praying that I get in!!! I should know the 19th of October which is already expected to be a great week! more on that later...

:)

Today

I am releaved
I am happy
I am free

Today

I realized that although this year has been crap
that

Today

yesterday
and forever

God has a plan for my life

Someone asked what kind ministry I was in, and I said none I am taking a break to find where I was meant to be and where God was leading me

Today

I know God has called me to be with and amonst all people of the earth...to build relationships, be open and honest.... to be like Jesus is to love and not judge.... yes you have to be honest...

Today

I know God has called me to be a university student...

Today

I know that with each of the interactions that I have had with people, he has been there guiding me..

Today

I am a leader, a worshiper, a human, a sinner that has been forgiven

Today

I am saved by God's grace...

I dont need to be part of some particular ministry, I dont need a big t-shirt, or bill board sign..all I need to to pray that God will use me...

the past two times I have pleaded and prayed for God to use me...he has opened the doors... as I have been a willing vessle for him.... and used to glorify him

Today

I am not my own I am serving the king of kings and lord of lords!!


Today,

I shook hands with 4,000 people!! (Just a random fact)! an completly lost my voice...cheering on the incoming freshman!! it was a BLAST!

Code blue

Last night Anthony was not feeling good and has a temp of 100.3... . my mom and I knew we needed to get him here because he did have a temperature but he was also shivering, projectile vomiting, and diarah.... with that said it we hopped into the car thinking that we would possibly be admitted but we didn't pack anything, only Clothes for Anthony...

Finally when they admitted him and we got into our room, he was sleeping and he pretty much did so for the whole night but then we started to poop and poop..and begin to quiver his atomic like he wanted to projectile vomit..I just help him, caught his vomit and tried to stay calm as I saw my brother getting sicker and sicker...

at about three in the morning I got up to change probably diaper #23 (not even exaggerating) I saw that he has some blood in his stool, but it wasn't exactly stool it was mucus..I was concerned and called in the nurse she took some blood to see if he needed platelets but he didn't need any at the time...then he just tried to sleep in his crib and pull off diapers..all that to say by about 8:00 when shift changes we just done I began to get even more worried for Anthony...I just had the feeling he was not doing well and was talking to the nurse about what should be done I said he needed some kind of fluid, some zofran, and some other meds... he was laying in his bed all quivered up grunting... the nurse took his blood pressure and it was DANGEROUSLY low..we kind of freaked out a little..so the nurse went and ran into an attending and she came in to check on Anthony...

His blood pressure were still low and she tried to get a hold of the picu people to come and look at him but she couldn’t get a hold of them..I think in that moment she made a scary move but in the end it saved the life of my brother...
She pulled the code blue button, and all of a sudden people came flooding down the halls... running his room was filled up in a matter of seconds..I am not going to lie and say that I was okay..I didn't know what to do..but when she pulled it I thought " OH SHIT, and I need to get a hold of my parents"

I called my mom and she didn't pick up, so I called my home phone then my dad picked up...I was so shaken up that all I could say was "somebody needs to get here NOW, they code blued Anthony.... because he has low blood pressures" and I hung up... on my dad..because even though I couldn't be next to him I needed to be there without a phone...I had no words to say I was literally speechless.... finally the Social worker came in and I called my mom and he talked to her, then my dad called and I was still speechless... and the resident talked to him to let him know what was going on... I just stood there talking to the Social worker, what else was I to do? the nurses and doctors we talking loud, flushing in water syringe after water syringe..it was about 470ML of water...the resident was squeezing in water...putting oxygen on him..lets just say it was controlled chaos...but it was scary...I was shaking, crying..but I had nothing to do all I did was stand there wanting to grab my brother and hold him..but I had to let go and completely truth him in the hands of all the people taking care of him... and trust that God would protect him..it was hard...but I had to...the Chaplin showed up and came into the room and we talked a little... I felt at peace and when I saw her I felt at ease.. ony of the BMT fellows were telling me what was going on and she kept pulling me aside and keeping me updated... we finally got to the elevates and it was pretty packed but the BMT fellow pulled me into the elevator and said that I was the most important person there..I calmed him down and gave him a kiss... then we got to the floor and rushed back to the room and everyone was still flying around and once again the same lady pulled me inside of the room and made sure I was there... it was completely scary..and I don’t remember all the details I just remember standing there, speechless trying to talk but I couldn’t... finally things settled down...but they were going to put in a central line to be able to put in all the fluids and meds that he needs....

looking back on the whole thing I see how all these people came together and did their Job, but there were people who were also there to support the family..it was scary and I can’t say that enough..When we got to the room his blood pressures started to go up and since then he has been stable.....

I am in Awe at how God worked in this whole situation, I don’t know how to explain it or even the words.... but what I do know is that even though Anthony got so sick so fast...that God was ahead of the whole situation and placed people where they need to be in that whole controlled chaos…..
Tonight somehow my parents let me stay the night and didn’t kick me out of the house…but I am here with Anthony, watching and keeping a close eye on him..let me say he looks 100% better than he did this morning..he is a little out of it but he is resting and that is what he needs to get better… I know when we updated facebook people were praying, people from the blogs and people we don’t even know were praying…people may say that medical intervention saved Anthony’s life but he is doing so well tonight, I know God healed and was there with my family in the time of need.. I tried my best to act the best that I could. It’s not every day you see a code blue
When we Got Anthony a couple months later God gave me a verse and it rings true today as it did when I heard the verse:

God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;
he does great things beyond our understanding.
Job 37:5

Perfect people

I love that song!! "Perfect People" and I can relate to it often... living in the urban city I have come across many different people of all cultures, Backgrounds, religions, profession.... I have been faced with sin, fallen short, and then I get back up..Often I wonder why I am still living in the city..I would love to leave the city and live in the country..live where there are people that look just like me..but then I realize that God has called us to be with the sick and hurting... he has called us to love on people no matter what they are going through..to be there and to share the Gospel....

Honestly today I am in a valley..I don't know where or what I will be doing next and I see no end in sight to the horrible nightmare...

But God has his promise..he reminds me that their are no such thing as a perfect people...we are to come to him just as we are..broken, shattered, drunk, high, depressed, hopeless, angry, addicted whatever we may be going through.....

Come to ME says the Father.... and I will give you rest...

I need to remind myself often that I need to come to him just as I am..I need to allow him to work in me and through me... it is not easy..but it is necessary... it is necessary to allow God to teach and be my comforter.. Today at church I had a sense of Comfort...Pastor asked us to close our eyes and imagine ourselves with God all safe and sound.... I pictured myself being held like a baby crying but still at peace...it is amazing to know that the God of the UNIVERSE cares enough to comfort and bring me peace... but most of to come to him Just as I am....broken

Be still and Know...

Be still...

Lindsay, Rhonda, John, Debbie, various other people who are working on feisty's case

Be still
and know
that I
am God

Be still
and Know that I have a plan, even thought my plans are not always your plans... just know that I am God...

Be still
and know that even before the foundations of this earth where layed I knew what would happen to Mr, Feisty

Be Still
and have faith my Children I will not give you to much to handle.. call on me when you are weak...

Be still
for I have a plan...

while Im on the topic of marriage..

This video is AMAZING!!

Fire Proof

Honestly Fire proof was one of the best movies that I have EVER watched.. the power, message, and overall movie... I can see the power and purpose that God has for that movie.. my favorite part is the salvation scene where the main guy accepts Christ, every time I get CHILLS throughout my body.. it is incredible.. When I watched it, I was wondering why am I a single women watching this movie? why is it so important to watch this movie? it took me awhile to realize the power of watching and thinking about the concept of having a fireproof marriage, but also looking outside of the spectrum of marriage but how to fireproof your life, how to make a solid relationship in Christ.. one that cannot be shakin....

Today I attended a 20Th wedding renewal..and it was beautiful to see the couple and their love for each other.. so see their marriage fireproofed...strong, solid and loving the kind of kings..it was simply amazing!! to see the commitment between to couple... being married for 20 years today's is looked upon as impossible but it is not..it takes A LOT but it can happen...

even that I have not found my future Husband, If I have I just don't know it....but to be able to be committed to one person, to honor and to cherish that person in good times and in bad.. WOW... words are simple..but actions are not.. it takes a lot to remain fully committed..but God ordained marriage as commitment to not only Jesus that you will remain together for LIFE..but to God that as a couple look to the king of kings and lord of lords to lead and guide the married couple in their walk in life.. WOW... WOW..marriage is deep.. marriage is powerful..and to see people so in love after 20 years brought tears to my eyes...

I think of my parent who have been married for 21 year... and the walk that as a family we have gone through. it is not all glorious... there were many DEEP DEEP valleys.. times when who knows what was going to happen to their marriage.. but God can do miracles.. it is amazing that with each year my parents get older and they are married another year... how God continues to bless and provide for them.. to see that even though their were valleys, in the past they can still climb a mount an..and love each other just the same if not more.. as the day they were married...

marriage is powerful.. it can also be related in the walk we have with Jesus, the commitment, honor, Denying yourself before Christ, being willing to walk a life of faith, being persecuted because of your faith.. ETC.

After the ceremony I went up to one of the women and I said "I am so happy for them but it makes me sad to see them so in love and not have that someone..you know this is the 5th Wedding that I have known of in the past month..." she said something wise "I makes be sad but it makes me look forward to the times when I do get married to be able to honor and love that other person... in the same way that they do"... it is so true..

Waiting for that person is hard.. and it doesnt get any easier.. My roomate in college told me that when she turned 20 it got worst that wanting and feeling of kinding that special somebody.. and she was RIGHT.. so here I am waiting but serving God while I am waiting for that somebody.. waiting to get married.. waiting for the unknown..but I cant constantly wait.. I need to serve and please God with all that I have and all that I am.. I think that as I wait God will continue to guide me and lead me to the person I am supposed to be with, in good times and bad times..

According to my dad all I need to do is go to a christian book store and pinch someones Butt... and walalala... just kidding.. well it worked for my mom.. why not me?? haha...

Apologize

Its to late to Apologize, this song has been stuck in my head all week.. listening to to probably 50 times in the past 2 days.. not even kidding.. I kept pressing replay, as I was studying for finals..

it is a deep song.. I think why is hits suck a chord with me is that in so many ways, this year has been a year of loss and letting go of people in my life... so much drama and words that were spoken that in the end caused a friendship to end... the chords were cut.. the deed has been done.. no matter what is said or done.. I feel like at this point that it is to late to apologise.. we are all hurt in the situation.. I wont go into details much.. but I found out more information of what happened when the whole situation happened 5 months ago... and it hurts it stings...it has caused me to not talk to and loose friends over a situation that got way to out of hand.. sometimes it feels like it is to late to apologise... I feel like I have said sorry for my part and I did... but the other person hasn't.. it feels like it is always "My fault" in the situation that occurred.. I know that it is not only my fault.. at this point I feel so hurt that no matter if that person did apologise I couldn't forget them.... its to late...



but then I remember that no matter what I do as a person, when I kneel before the king of kings he forgives my sins..

in fact, Matthew chapter 6:14-15 states

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Matt 6:14-15 (ESV)

but in order for Jesus to forgive me of my sins I must forgive the sins of my trespasser.. and you know how hard that is sometimes, to deny my human flesh... and forgive someone knowing that for some reason they don't forgive me.. but then I remember I do not need to worry about my enemy in fact I should pray for those who persecute me..

In Matthew chapter 5:44-48

But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matt 5:44-48 (ESV)


This verse reminds me that I need to pray for those who persecute me, but what is even more powerful is when Jesus asked, If you love those who love you, what reward do you have? but do we gain from loving the people that are so easy to love and get along.. I thing of so many times where I as a human would rather love on the people that honestly I love the most... but what is hard is when those people become the people who persecute you... in Hebrews the writer writes about how this life is not going to be easy.. we are going to go through trials and tribulations.. we as Christians as we stand up for our faith... and beliefs will be persecuted..even by believers... but as a growing Christian I must and know that I need to forgive those people that have hurt me so deeply.. and I pray that I can and will..because in order for God to forgive me, I must forgive those who I need to still forgive..

This post is really random..but I have been thinking A LOT... I will have more post throughout the week and most likely the next month.because I will have a lot more free time to post.. ..

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

Tonight I sing a new song, it is not to late to apologize and to forgive..

I HATE THIS

I just want Anthony to be better...
I Am sick and tired of being sick and tired..

I just want my brother to come home..
50 days in the hospital is a bit to long..

hopefully the Doctors can figure out what is wrong and ultimately the king of Kings can continue to heal his body.

Pray for me as this week is stressful.. I have finals.. and it is hard to stay focused when everything around me is falling apart. also for my parents that God can continue to give them strength and courage... as they make decisions as to what is best for their son..

We are weak but he is strong

Every time that I get to visit Anthony the one song that we sing is "Jesus loves me" we sing a new version and I have sung to to him probably 200 time over and over..and without a doubt he falls asleep..

Today I was holding Anthony, and he finally got comfortable and as I was singing this song I sung "Little ones to him belong they are weak but he is strong" and I paused.... as I was holding Anthony I realized how true this is for Anthony and for my whole family.. to be able to hold my brother and know that God is doing a great work in his body...brings me to my knees in tears... in blesses me and leaves me breathless to see what God is doing in Anthony's life..

we are weak but he is Strong!!!

God is able to do more than we can ever thought was possible...

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
Romans 8:26

Dear Mr Sun

Dear Mr, Sun-

Thank you for not allowing Seattle to go over 90 degree's today... what a relief that is... and I always thought I loved you mister sun but this past week you have broken records and I live in Seattle for a reason, I love the clouds and rain... so Mr, Sun I would be happy if you could go away..

Thanks in advanced,
Lindsay

Update

Life has been completely crazy..

School has been alot of work lately, and I feel like I never have enough time to do my school work..

I simply miss my little brother, seeing Anthony only 6 hours a week is hard knowing that he is in the hospital is hard... this past Thursday Anthony got his transplant.. and it was probably one of the most amazing things I have witnessed... it took only 10 minutes to put the blood-cord cells into his little body.. but just imagining what those cells are going to offer Anthony in the future is so unreal.. those cells give him a future and cure him of his HLH and give him a chance to live life..

yes this week has been hard, yes everyone has cred out to God asking for pain relief for Anthony... yes we would all love to be a family and for all of us to be in the same house rather than have to be at the Hospital...

But God has a plan and knows what he is doing.. and for right now we are making it....

Dear EV,

I remember 5 years ago the first time that I met you, I was 15 and you were 16, we were young Counselors in Training, learning how to serve God at a Christian camp.. that first summer we got close, we would often find ourselves talking about life, dreaming about the future, and talking about all the wonderful things God was doing in our life's.

that first summer 5 years ago started a friendship that I had been praying for my whole freshman year of high school. It was unbelievable how much we grew and learned from each other. the best night we had was our poppet night, you were hiding away in a closet, but we were not going to allow you to do that, so somehow we ended up dancing around decorating the Abbott house with Toilet paper, running across camp to serenade people with our "beautiful tribal dancing"..

when my Uncle passed away I remember that you were there to greet me with a Hug and a welcome back... I remember running down the hill singing songs of Praise with you, in a time were deep down inside I was crying and struggling with the recent death of my uncle...

when summer ended for some reason, I decided to invite you to my 16th birthday, we went and created beautiful bead bracelets and went to the aquarium, where we only paid the children's price because the teller thought you were under twelve, we laughed and moved on.... we walked through the whole aquarium laughing and just being us... Teenagers... that night you ended up staying the night at my house.. it was amazing, just like it was at camp... we climbed up in a tree house that night, talking about our futures and what we desired in a future Husband... what we were learning at school.. I remember just talking... and having peace in that moment...

throughout that first year we continued to talk, we went to High school camp together, were we prayed and had one of the most intense talks that we would probably ever have, I remember we were sitting at the stairs of the prayer Chapel, it was cold and Chilly.. the stars were shining.... in that moment you shared with me your salvation story, I cried with tears and compassion because I felt for you, for once I knew what it was like to have that one true friend who shared the same passion and love for God, as I myself had..

Time went on, we continued to grow in our friendship, we had many times of joy and sorrow, times were we didn't agree.. times were we were indifferent.. but that didn't matter... we promised that no matter what would happen in the future we would "Always be friends"... that God could work through any situation.. we talked about how in the future our children would grow up together.. we talked about going on missions trips together, serving God, and many things that young girls like to talk about..

Time continued to go, the third summer came and I went on a missions trip to Thailand, you graduated and were getting ready to go to college... we drew apart that summer and ever since then nothing has been the same, the way we saw the world was different but the one thing that remained the same was Jesus, he was the one thing we could agree on.. you went to college and we rarely talked.. I was sad but I knew you needed to experience college, we didn't talk for about 9 months.. if we did it was for about 5 minutes...



that continued and the 4th summer came, you came to watch my brothers.. during that time we started talked and re-connecting it almost was like old times but sooo much different.. it was so nice to re-connect and know that maybe things had not changed as much as I thought they had.... little did I know everything that I thought and knew about you was different.. I didn't know my friend.. she had changed into a completely different person... it scared me.. I fell to my knees and begun praying for you.. I pleaded to God that you would seek him in your situation... I believe that God found you where you were at.. in your time of need.. I am not saying I am perfect, but I am saying that I pleaded and prayed for you like no other time in our time of knowing each other at that point in time...

looking back at the past five years I remember the many times we spent laughing, praying, playing, seeking God, discussing about our futures... and I will never forget that.. how can I? the way you see things have changed the way you see things and the way I see things have changed..

I am praying for you right now, this very moment that you would continue to seek God, and that he will show you his will for your life.. we can never take back the past, the miscommunication, the lies, deceit, the time alcohol was used and destroyed a friendship, the time you stomped out the door angry, the time you drove off in your car and I knew that would be the last time I ever saw you... none of that E, can never be erased, but God can heal, he can heal you as you begin this journey that you are beginning at 2pm tomorrow... of getting married...

I never doubted the fact that you were going to get married to Him, in fact I was scared to the fact that I didn't see everything the way that you saw it.. I didn't see him the way you did, I saw the details, the faults, all the ways that this relationship could end up because honestly I didn't see the beauty and love that you did, I prayed many times, I pleaded that God could show me what you saw in him, I asked for peace in your upcoming marriage but overtime I thought of it, and I got an ache in my stomach telling me that something about this relationship that you were in was not right.. I saw comparisons of him and the one person you despised the most... finally it got to much to bare, you know what happened at the engagement party ( my point of view and yours is probably different, but there are facts of what happened and of which I will not discuss on a public blog)... and that threw me over the top I was honestly scarred for you and your future that finally I had to speak to what I saw....

with that you got angry, I got upset, you stormed out.. and every word that I said would be turned around and twisted... I was stuck between a brick wall and a rock.. but at least I let you know what I saw... I felt free in allowing myself to tell you what I saw..




I realize that tonight is most likely the night before you wedding, and I am not going... I am not going to show up and crash it, I will not show up and yell "I object"... In fact I am holding myself back from contacting you at all.. someone I know once said that tough love is the hardest, it is sometimes walking away from situations where we human want to have control, we would love to show up in a Gorilla suit, but rather let go and fall to our knee's in prayer and lift the situation up to God... Tough love is the hardest love and I can attest to that.. and with that, I am choosing to let go and fully rely on God to protect you, relying on God to direct your path... although the amazing memory's we shared together will never be shared again, no one can take away the good times we had... with that I let go of you, I give our "Friendship" to God, maybe in the future we can communicate, but for now I wait with expectation of knowing that God is God and in the end, his will is the perfect will, no matter what the differences are..

and with that, I just wanted to say.... I miss you

Love,
Lindsay

All I have to say...

is that I made it through another year as a college student!!
it is not always easy staying up late, reading one of the million books that I need to be reading, feeling like my eyes are going to fall out of my head, writing papers, getting up early, riding the bus in the morning..

But for some reason, I love it!!

I love the opportunity of getting a education, I love that God has provided all of my needs... throughout these past two years.
I know that even after I graduate...he will keep providing and showing me what he has called me to do...

All I know is I MADE IT!!!!!!
and I can proudly say that I am a Junior at the University of Washington!!!!
(I feel so old saying that..hehe)

Rise up

This week, little Kayleigh Anne Freeman passed away, when I found out my heart was broken, I was really sad for her parents.. I don't know them but I was so touched by their story.. it really got me thinking about how life is really short, we don't know when we are going to die..

I kept thinking to myself, "what can I do to honor you God, can you please use me today to bless other and tell them about you.. can you please give me strength and courage to be able to stand up and tell others for you... Kayleigh has been so brave for 11 months...this life is short.. I cant just keep walking my life knowing that I am saved and not tell people about you.. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING.. I want to honor you God, please present me with an opportunity"

and that is all I prayed...

little did I know that God would present me with an opportunity.. their was a Evangelical preacher presenting the word at my school, I usually ignore them and walk on..but I was so drawn to the truth and words that he was saying..I stopped thinking oh, I will only be here for 5 minutes, but that day I stayed for 2 hour talking with people about Jesus, presenting the truth to them, praying and crying for this Generation of young people who have turned their eyes away from Jesus.. I was blessed it was tiring and hard to be sharing the gospel..but I for the first time had courage like little Kayleigh..

I sat there quite for so long, finally my body begun to shake, and I could not keep quite about the love of Jesus.. I eventually went back the next day and met with more people, met some AWESOME Christians and it was really good to talk with other people..

then Friday came along by this time I found brother Jeb on the Internet and was e-mailing him back and forth, and so I planned on staying at school all day like from 11:30-5:30 and I did.. it was AMAZING to see God at work.... and their was a spiritual battle going on at my University... but God gave me the words to say, he gave me a sense of peace..and to just simple love on people like Jesus loved on his disciples when he was here.. their were other Christians there who were talking to people and stayed all day..

overall I am still in complete shock at all that has happened this week, I always wanted to talk to people about Jesus but I never knew that I would be doing it..
When I was in Thailand it was so easy to talk to the Thai people about Jesus, even though there was a language barrier somehow it was easier..and I was afraid simply to stand up for what I believe in..

but not any longer.. I feel strong, I am amazing at God and the wonderful work that he has done in my life, he opened my eyes and showed me that people all around me are searching for meaning of life, searching for a God who loves you..

The eyes of the non-believers I could see that they were searching..but were so blinded to the truth... the Devil is still at work here on earth and we need to not forget that..we as Christians need to get off our couches and tell others about Jesus, people are perishing without ever hearing the love of Jesus.. American Christians are so stuck on going to church and keeping our God within our community of believers... yes that is important but yet we need to not be only with believers and building relationships with non-believers..
People are searching and trying to figure out why they are not complete, and it is because they do not have Jesus, they may not know that and need to be told....

what if we all stood up for what we believed in and told people about Jesus, how much of an impact that would make?

God is good!!!!

Just from that little prayer I said this week, God used me in ways that I can not even begin to comprehend......... the courage I had to take a stand was not from me... it was From God....... I am glad to know a God who loves me so much that died on the cross for my sins and for the sins of the world.. and the people of the world need to hear the truth....

can we rise up as Christians and proclaim the good news?



Lindsay