burned out

I officially am the worlds worst blogger!
Life has like always been crazy!
It has been amazing and hard all at the same time!
I finished my first semester of Grad school! it was soo hard and amazing at the same time. geese! I am ready and excited for next semester! then summer semester..then I am have one year left! 2013! woot

ha...anyways PP's is going well it has been interesting lately to say the least.

I have wondered that last couple days why I want to go into a profession that works with people..why didn't I just go to school and study for a job where I would not have to deal with people constantly...I am in anti-people mode as of lately! yikes! I think I am going through a mid-twenty's crisis...

It is hard to constantly make sure you say the right thing, make sure that nothing you say offends people, it's hard to act perfect because when you crack and you allow your human side to come through it burns you in the ass... I know why there are boundaries and rules, I know why there are structures in place... it is a family environment.. it is hard where to draw those boundaries and to show love..

I do not think this will be a problem when I am a counselor, it is harder when you live and breath the same air everyday, in an out... I am burnt out and I need a break! I will be the first to admit it....

yikes!!

life is flying by!! I never have time to blog anymore!!

Graduate school has been both amazing adventures and increasing my stress ten fold! I love going to class with the people that I do! I love that every time I go to class I know who I am going to see. I love that it is such a tight knit community. The education and training that I am receiving from Northwest is amazing! I feel as though I have no life and I am constantly having more work to do for school...

I also know that this is for a season and soon enough I will be done with school...

Soon enough I will have a masters degree!!

Time has flown by this semester! I have learned so much and have been challenged and changed. I feel as though God is working in me and changing me. He is stretching me and breaking away all the areas of my life that are not good. I am beginning to see life through new lenses, dealing with my past and knowing that God is in control of my future... I know it is only for a short time that I am going to be home.. I have faith that soon after graduating I will have a job lined up so that I can move out of my parents house and start my life, outside of my parents..... I am excited and scared but I know it is so worth all the stress and studying that I have......

The Big move!

Wow! Life has changed! It has been both amazing and hard at the same time! In June my dad received an e-mail about being program managers for a house that takes in women and children who are escaping domestic violence. My parents accepted the job and now we made a move to the other side. It is an amazing house and the women we have so far are AMAZING! It is amazing what God can do and to see the mountain move in these women's lives. When I hear their stories or we talk I feel privileged to be able to hear their story. They are heart breaking stories but somehow I know that God has a plan of redemption and healing. What the was meant for evil can turn into good. The tears that are shed for these women come easily they have become like family. It is amazing when you are right were God wants you to be. It's not easy but it is worth it.

New Normal

The has been so much change in my life! I need to make an update soon!

but for now I should try to go to bed....

Our foster baby Sam is going back home and it is soooooo hard to let them go...we fall in love with every child that comes into our home. It is strange that with every child our family changes and a new normal kind of occurs.

Sam was here for 9 months and in those 9 months we have seen this sweet boy grow by leaps in bounds. He is intelligent and can carry on a conversation as if he were a 6 year old. He has a humor and a laugh that gets everyone around him laughing and wondering what he is going to say or do next. Sam is a boy that loves to ride scooters, bikes, plays with balls, trucks and roll in the dirt. This sweet boy has a way of touching all those around him. everyone wants to play with Sam or be with him... He is full of personality!!!!

Although he is only gone on a weekend visit I miss him so much, its so crazy how fast these little ones become a part of your life and when you say goodbye, we pray and trust that God is going to guide, protect and keep them safe... He is going back home and I am so excited for his family!!! don't get me wrong, but we still miss Sam and try to create a new normal without him.

Lindsay

You know those times..

You know those times in your life when you can't explain with words what is happening and then all of a sudden you get it...




Those times when you don't know why your life is the way it is
Those times when everything you ever had could of been stripped away from you



when everything is confusing and does not make sense
Those times when you look at your life and everything is a mess.




You strive for order and seek for a time where your human mind is capable of comprehending, what is going on.



It does not matter, you can look up into the skies



Down low in the ground

You can look at your life a little closer and see the thorns

All around you your world does not make sense,
but somehow you know through all of life trials your will make it.
In all of craziness you see a hint of beauty.



Today I was in our new backyard..yes we moved! and I all of a sudden got it. life has been crazy and insane. Sometimes not knowing what is going on,with loosing Anthony and watching my mother almost die, I have been wondering why things happen to us.When enough is enough.Looking for God to show up in the middle of this mess of my life,and all along he has been there waiting to show me that in the middle of my mess. He has blessings waiting for us. I may never understand why but what I can grasp is that we go through trials in life and out of those trials come beauty, hope and perseverance...
Right now I am in a place where life is for once, good...it is a scary place to be because every time my life has been going good something happens. In many ways I lack trust in God, because all the post traumatic stress, that I am experiencing...but for crying out loud if anyone where to walk in my shoes, I think that would be the same way...I am on edge wondering what next? I do not want to be that person, I need to trust and have faith that God has a plan in all of this mess.For once I need to have faith that God is going to allow us to rest and revive from this long last year.. It is in him I have hope and therefore I need to trust that God is going to have everything taken care of..




Because it has been a long time since I have seen God truly bless our family and give us a time in life when nothing to dramatic is happen.. I need faith because I have a feel that God is only beginning to show us his beauty and plan for my family...

It's just not right

It's been almost 9 months since Anthony passed away...
and It feels like an eternity...

These past couple of weeks have been hard. first graduating from UW, celebrating completing uw, moving, and probably having more time to process what this last year has been... Through all the celebrations and activities there is a part of me missing, I often would look in the living room and know it was not right to not have Anthony here with us the past couple of weeks.. it's hard to explain but then why should anyone have to explain loosing their 2 1/2 year old brother, its not right.... He should be here roaming around the house chasing Chris from room to room, singing Elmo songs, yelling for his mom-mom's attention, climbing on the furniture, looking for the front door to open so that he can crawl out the door and demand that I take him on a drive around the block....

Time in no way heals the pain of loosing a young child, the wounds are not easy to cover and never again will anyone be the same person after witnessing a small child pass away... Time helps to make the pain bearable and to allow you to keep going on with life, but in all reality deep down all you want to do is to see and touch your sweet baby, just one more time....

It's in times when there are family get together that make it all the much harder because, I notice all the more that Anthony is not here. No matter what I do, I will never hold my brother on this side of heaven....

and It just plain sucks

Dear, Anthony

Anthony wesley James,

You were an amazing boy, it seems as though time goes on without you the further I feel from you... I wish that I could rewind time to hold you just one last time.I wish that I could time travel back to last summer. I wish that I could sing with you down down Elmo, one last time. Sweet boy I miss you more than ever right now, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. When I graduated last Saturday I looked up to the sky and said "Anthony, this is for you little brother". you are a miracle that touched so many lives I can't even begin to imagine.

As we move out of this house we keep finding little reminders that you were alive and that you lived here. I found a syringe of some of your medicines, it was Clonidine because I could tell by the color, we found syringes filled with saline, flashlights, Elmo books, and your wubbanubs.. Anthony you were here and you lived an amazing life full of joy and love for all those around you. It is nice to find those little items because it is a reminder that you were here not to long ago and I am not going to lie by saying that I have a few of them stored away in my Anthony box that sits next to my bed. Sweet boy I miss you sooooo much its hard to leave this house because there are so many memories of you and our family.... Although you are not here I know those many amazing times we had together wont be taken away from me I will always remember you and the times we had at this house....

I miss you and love you lots...

UW graduation Part 1

I just want you to know....

















That I did it!!!

woot woot!

I am soooooo excited!! For once...

Today is the big day!!! I am graduating from the University of Washington... Its actually happening... I should try to rest but I am sooooo excited I can't sleep... There are so many people in my life that I need to thank..

First to God, The is no way I could of made it through these past four years without you.....Four years ago I was your typical 18 year old wanting to leave home to gain independence..I was looking to attend school anywhere outside of Washington and on the other side of the state of country! You quickly changed my heart and somehow I stayed in the good old Washington! It took me four years to understand why you had me stay so close to home... (more on that later)

Second to my Parent, There are so many mornings that they would drive me to the train or pick me up...My parents are amazing people!! what else can I say? they raised me right and taught me how to look beyond myself to serve other people around me... Although these past four years have been anything but easy and there have been multiple attempts, by me to take a break from school, they encouraged me to stay through it all.

Third to my Brothers, I always wished for little brothers and well I got them...Three of them,Charlie, Chris and Anthony! Although it has been hard I know that I want to set an example for my brothers by attending college.... My prayer is that they can see the example that I have set before them and get a higher degree..Charlie and Chris I pray that you do attend a university, because with an education all things are possible, yes there are set backs and boundaries in which you can't cross because of how society is set up, but Go for it sweet boys...I know you can do it! Sweet Anthony you are not forgotten, I wish you were here and I miss you like no other but I know you are watching over me as I celebrate, graduating and attending grad school... sweet Boy it wasn't until last year that God told me the reason I stayed in Washington was so that I could help mommy and daddy with you and the other boys... He had you planned to come into our family before you were even born, I am still in awe of what an amazing God he is... Although you are not here in person, I made a promise to you and that was to share your story with others around you and to be a better person, well sweet boy, I am keeping my word... Fly High Sweet ^^Anthony^^


fourth to my friends and extended family... when I thought I couldn't do it I would look around me and see many people tell me I could,... H and B you two were amazing friends during college!! We took so many classes together but most of all we gained a friendship for one another, I will miss you two but I know it is not goodbye....


It takes a village to raise a child and although I'm not a child but a young adult, there are many people surrounding me through these last couple of years....My prayer is that my next adventure to Graduate school will not be so dramatic but rather a time to rest, heal and process my life and to allow God to show me the path that he has for me to take as I pursue my masters this coming fall!

where do I begin

I don't know where to begin..life had been a mess and crazy...

My mom went into the hospital for a routine surgery April 5,2011 and ended staying there for 44 days. To say that my mom is anything short of a miracle would be lying..

I am almost done with School

and there is so much that has happened but I should get going to bed!

I will do an update when I get the time, but time is not something that has been easy to find lately!

6 month.

Sweet Baby I miss you laughter and smile. Fly high sweet baby boy.

The beginning of the end!

I can see the light at the end of this very long tunnel.

I am excited without a doubt that I will be a college graduate very soon! I cannot believe that I was able to overcome the many obstacles that have come my way. This journey for the last four years has not been easy. I started college wanting to get a degree in Social work and soon through a series of events changed my major to sociology.

My family was still foster parents and we met sweet Anthony, in no way would I ever take that back, but it was hard staying in school while my brother was sick. So many times I would cry because it was to hard to balance family life and school life, but I knew that Anthony nor my parents would not want me to quit school, so I toughed it out.

I took a summer quarter to catch up on my credits and added on a few extra classes to catch up. I dropped the one class I wanted to take, Dinosaurs, but it was not as interesting as I thought it would be. I would of been done this quarter but I dropped my summer classes from last summer because Anthony was so sick in the PICU and we didn't know what was going to happen and I was taking statistics a class that I need for graduation. Little did I know that last summer was a gift from God, to be able to spend time with my brother last summer is time that I will never forget and forever be thankful for. Summer 2010 is a time in my life that is very sacred and I tear up just thinking about it.

September 29th was the first day of my senior year but it was also the day that sweet Anthony passed away. I had a day to rest then I started in full swing. soon God began to work in my life and moved the mountains to allow for my to go to Graduate school. I applied and knew that if God wanted me to go that I would, so I did. 7 days after applying I was accepted to Northwest University. I applied to graduate spring quarter. Winter quarter began and I took the dreaded Statistics, it was a rough and LOOOONG quarter of trying to make it, somehow in the end I passed my stats class and a huge relief and realization that I am actually going to graduate set in yesterday.

So much of my educational career has been centered around Anthony. I wish he was here so that I could give him a hug and thank him for keeping me going and showing me to be strong, even when I wanted to quit school.I know that he will be watching from heaven and have the best view out of anyone there!

I can't wait to walk across that stage! and receive my diploma from the UW and begin Graduate school only three months later...Some may call me crazy but I have a little brother who is watching over me and who showed me a courage and strength like no other. I want to honor Anthony and remember him and I know by living life and allowing God to lead that way I am doing that. I had no plans of going to grad school right away, but for some reason God had other plans, for me to attend this amazing school for the next two years!

Why would you want to do this?

Many times during the day I think about Anthony and the sweet baby that he was. He is never far from my thoughts and mind. I was thinking to myself today, why would my family choose to adopt a baby who had a rare disease, HLH and who would require a transplant to even have a chance of living?

In many ways the we didn't choose to adopt Anthony but rather God placed touched my moms heart and she answered the call.We were able to see beyond the medical tubes, poles, medicines but rather we saw Anthony as Anthony. When we first took Anthony into our care he was sitting in the hospital by himself. but I need to make one thing clear, it wasn't because his birth family didn't care that is not the case, in fact his uncle did visit him, it was because they lived on the other side of the state and his birth mom had her own health issues she had to deal with. I personally love and respect Anthony's birth family, it brings a tear to my eye thinking about the love I have for them. I know without a doubt they love Anthony, even to the point of being willing to give him up for Adoption.

During the time that Anthony was in the hospital by himself there where many people who were involved with the care of Anthony but another foster mom T starting to advocate on Anthony's behalf to get foster parents for Anthony. The doctors and staff did not think that he needed a family because the chances of him living where not very high, T didn't give up in fact she and her family would sneak into his his room to rock and hold this sweet baby. The nurses would break rules and hold him singing songs and loving on this sweet baby. finally it was approved through doctors stating that he did need a family. Finally Anthony was placed on a referral list that goes out to social workers and foster parents.

At this time my mom has decided to quit her Job as director and wanted to be a stay at home mom for Charlie and Christopher but also to take in more babies. As she was looking at this list she saw 9 baby's who needed to be placed and a four month old little boy stayed on that list and she kept thinking about him. So my mom called our social worker and stated tat she wanted to look more into this four month old baby boy. Our social work J, was really concerned and did not want to place him with us because he was so sick and we knew that but yet she kept persisting that my parent go and meet this baby. Finally my mom and dad went to go visit this baby boy in the hospital and to say that they fell in love is not enough, this baby captured our hearts and we loved him immediately. I remember holding Anthony for the first time, he was only four kilos but the smile melted my heart.

It didn't take long for my parents to officially say yes, that we wanted to be his foster family. then a few days after my parents committed that Doctors started to ask when we were going to start staying with him in the hospital. Well that didn't take long either. The next night after they asked that, my mom stayed the night with Anthony and my parents made an amazing schedule to make sure that someone was with Anthony at all time while he was inpatient at Children's and someone was at home taking care of Charlie and Christopher.

We endured many months of Chemotherapy, Hospital stays, Transplant, medicines, late nights, surgery after surgery. When my mom first got Anthony my grandma asked my mom what she would do if we he passed away how would we be able to handle it. My mom replied, "We want to show him love so we know they he knew what love was while he was on earth", and that is what my family did. we loved this sweet baby with everything we had and in the end he lived for 2 1/2 year beyond what anyone thought. he was a true joy and had his favorite people his mom-mom, Dad, Sissy, Charwee, Chris, Grandmom, My amy (his favorite nurse and would get mad at her if she was busy on her shift), the three nurses aids he knew by name because he knew they would take him on walks, he aimed to please them!), and many nurses on the Oncology floor, and of course ELMO, big bird and cookie monster.

He touched more hearts and changed the lives of many people, including mine. although he did pass away September 29, 2010, I would do it all over again, no regrets about loving this sweet baby. I still love Anthony and always will. the story of Anthony's life is AMAZING! so many people were involved in his life, it AMAZED ME! In fact I feel so blessed to be Anthony Wesley James sister. I feel like although my heart aches to hold him, the hope of being able to hold him again and play with him is what keeps me going and gives me the courage to move on in life.

To be asked why would we do this? why would we adopt Anthony, well let me tell sum it up in one word..

LOVE.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Happy Third Birthday Anthony!

Oh Sweet boy.... how we miss you so much... I loved seeing you in my dreams last night running and playing with toys and other angel friends...I loved talking to you, holding you and seeing your face one more time.. I am so thankful to know that you are okay but sweet boy, we miss you.. I am so thankful that through the miracle of adoption you became one my little brother..

Sweet boy there are so many memories of you in the 2 1/2 years that we had you with us... You taught me more about love than anyone has ever taught you..Loving you sweet boy was easy...I pray that you have an amazing birthday in heaven with Jesus and you got the balloons that we sent up to today.....

As we were driving home I looked out the window and the clouds around the su that looked like a heart...... Just a reminder that our sweet boy loves us and is doing just fine on his birthday!

Love you sweet boy! happy 3rd birthday

<3 sissy

Girls night out!

yesterday our family friend Becky was going stir crazy sitting at home for the past week without leaving....so tonight my mom decided that she wanted to take her out to the Cheesecake factory! It was fun doing something that is not what we do everyday, day in and day out! My life has such a routine that I never do much besides go to school, nanny, homework, Starbucks to study, church, and Late night outreach/meetings. I know it was fun for all three of us!


My moms white chocolate raspberry cheesecake!


Oh man, this was the best cheesecake! it was red velvet cheesecake! I love red velvet cake and this was not what I wanted but they ran out.. :( of the the peanut butter chocolate cheesecake to I ordered this cheesecake and let me tell you it was worth every bite and stomach ache that happened, as a result of eating this cheesecake! :P



Last but not least, Becky's banana and chocolate fudge cheesecake that she got for free because she found a piece of paper in it and talked to management.





It was a good night to get away and to enjoy a little cheesecake!

Happy Birthday Chris!

Mr Chris,

You never cease to amaze me with you love and passion for life! you are a miracle and blessing to our family! thank you for loving us and for allowing us to be your family... I am so proud of you and I cannot wait to see how God is going to use your gentle and sweet spirit.... You are wise beyond your five years and your insight to life refreshes me everyday...even in the darkest of times, you are still a light to those who are surrounded by you and you constantly remind us, that Jesus is in control... You have been through so much in your young life and I am honored to call you my forever brother and to be a part of Gods redemption plan for your life..

Happy 5th Birthday sweet boy!

Love Always,
Lindsay

Moving on...

SO many people keep telling us that we need to just move on and not talk about Anthony... People keep saying that we need to just look to the future and forget about the last 2 1/2 years that we spent with this sweet baby.... It's hard to move on, its hard to not think about Anthony, its hard to act as if I am doing okay when I am broken and falling apart because to be honest, I miss this baby more than anything and I will not stop talking about Anthony because he was a big part of my life and it is healing to be able to talk about my brother... Life may move on but he will never be forgotten...

It takes time to heal and everyone grieves differently...

:(

what to do? I feel like constantly my life is full of conflict. I feel like with every decision I have had to sacrifice and face walls of many kinds. I Feel like often I have to choose one path and stick to it, I can't do everything I love and want to do.... Some difficult decisions need to made but I am not going to move on without a fight.

Sometimes speaking out about what you believe and see is a hard place to be, when you don't agree with the leadership you are under there comes a time when you need to speak up and bring to light the truth, although they may not see it, at least it is being brought to light... I am tied of have to constantly sacrifice, what I love to do and the passion that God has given me, in order to just be able to serve the people you want to serve.....

Thats right..I am possibly going to leave LNO and move on... This is a REALLY hard decision and much prayer is going to be made because right not nothing is going to change...so most likely I am going to try and meet with the executive director of the organization and possibly write a letter to the board of directors, so they know whats going on and can see why there is a high turn overate with volunteers... Someone had told me that they have prayed boldness over me, all of a sudden boldness has overtaken my soul and my passion for serving the girls has been reignited, it is not the only ministry that serves the girls, there are many other and I believe that with time God will show me the place that I need to go to....

Today I read my E-mail and this was the bible verse I read:


"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
-Genesis 50:20 NIV

This verse has been with me all day as I have faced mountains and had dreams shot down, but then I know God has a plan for all of this.

what can I say...I was bored?

I was at my nanny job and I discovered you can make youtube videos from my phone.....and to top it off this is me EXTREMELY TIRED!! haha



And I didn't have to go I thought they were home but it their lovely son was upstairs jumping on his bed....so I went upstairs to check on him and he was "Asleep"....

One of the last times that I was holding Anthony before he passed this song was playing on my Pandora and I just started crying and singing this song to Anthony... To me he was the sweetest thing on this side of heaven... It is a moment I will never forget, I miss this sweet boy and no matter what I can not hold him again and it hurts.... It seems as time moves forward, Anthony becomes a part of my past and I forget what life was like with him. I miss this sweet boy so much. Listening to this song brings back so many memories and a time in my family's life when we were preparing to say goodbye to sweet Anthony...



I miss you Sweet Anthony...

Guess what??

I officially applied for Graduation at the University!!
It has been a long four years and somehow I still managed to get a degree!

I cannot wait to walk across the stage and receive my Diploma from the University of Washington!

I know sweet Anthony will be looking down on me that day!

The Story of Jonah, by the cutest girl!