WE are still home with A-man!!

he has been home for a LONG time this time. so praise God!
he has Clinic tomorrow, which means that he has Chemo and his RSV shot to make sure he does not catch it... his little body can not fight off infections since he has no B cells...so it is going to be a long visit to Children's..but it is worth it.. because we got to have him home Christmas!!!

Next Monday I start at school again and this time I have a different motive, I am not going there to compete with 40,000 other students but rather to learn and to really enjoy what I am learning. YES! I still want to become a Social worker and I still feel the call to be one, but God is calling me to take a different route than what I had planned... It is scary and hard to let go of my dream and to take a route that I am being called to take... But I have to listen to the sweet voice of my Savior... so I am going to get in contact with the Sociology Department and talk with an advisor... I am scared and my stomach turns as I am writing this, I have many questions as to why all of a Sudden I am changing... but today God was telling me to look up English classes and to switch out of my Psychology class. ( I dislike psych ALOT...The only reason I was taking it was because it was one of my requirements)....... I found a English class that is called "Intro to Culture Studies English 207".... and It has ONE, that is right ONE spot left open I stared at the class title...felt at peace about switching, and I stared at the screen for a minute asking myself if this is what I am supposed to be doing...

why since I was a freshman in High school, has God been telling me that I need to become a social worker, I based where I went to school based on the social work school ratings in the country.. UW is number 3 in the country... for their social work Program.... I pretty much based my life around the reality that I was going to become a social worker...I was still staring at the screen ready to drop my psychology class...and I did it I CLICKED and I got into the English class many people might think it was just pure luck that I got into that class, but no... It was purely God, showing me to let go of all my dreams and follow him, to follow the call that he has place on my life. it is hard to let go of the way I set up my life, I had a 5 year plan to be graduated from college with my masters, and I was going to do that and no matter what happened I was going to do it... but now I know it isn't about my plan but rather about the plan that God has for me, he ultimately gave his life for me... So why cant I let go of what I had planed.. I know he See's the bigger picture, he See's my potential, he knows what he has called me to do, he knows the ministry that I am going to be in... I don't know..no matter how much I want to say that I do.... but I don't.... so in that single click I allowed Jesus to begin taking control of my life and Leading me in the right direction, it is a small one but in the long run I KNOW, that it will be the right one... I am relieved to be out of Psych, It really hit me tonight when I ordered my books tonight.. and I was not getting a Psych book..

For I know the plans I have for you,
" declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you
and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me and
come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me
when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

This past Christmas was the best one that we have had in years... I am so thankful that A-man was home, I was so happy that this Christmas was so different than last years... last year we were crying and hurting because three short days earlier, the baby girl "N" who we were told my parents would adopt was taken Away... we were so sad and thought that Christmas was over.. but we got a call that a baby girl needed a home until she would go to live with her adoptive family.. that baby Girl I will call Gracie, she was our christmas miracle last christmas, she was so tiny and precious, in no way did she replace "N" but she was a reminder of why my parents are foster parents... Gracie was full of Grace and I would look at her face and pray for her and pray for "N".... and thanking God for our Christmas miracle of 2007!! I know Gracie blessed us that christmas, it was God's grace showing my family to love Jesus and be thankful for him in all circumstances... it Was Jesus showing us that he had a plan for my family.

In 2008 we have lived at the hospital for most of it, prayed and prayed for A-man fought for his life never gave up, Loved on Mr, Feisty and Charlie, I started my second year of College, my Grandmother moved in to help out, life has flashed before my eyes, and this christmas we prayed we would all be home for Christmas, and that was all we wanted was to be home, all 9 of us, Mom, dad, Tina, Charlie, Mr Feisty, Donell, Grandma, me and A-man, that is all we wanted and we got that... this christmas I realized what Christmas was about, yes reflecting on the birth of our savior and rejoycing in that miricle of life, but it was also just being together as a community celebrating in the birth of Jesus, we sung happy birthday to Jesus, we opened presents together, saw the joy of Christmas in Charlie's eyes when the Elf came to bring our christmas Pajammas, seeing the joy that Christmas brings. and seeing the Love that is within my family no we are not perfect but this past year God has stretched our family, and through that I have seen God at work.. I have seen how close knit my immediate family has gotten... This years Christmas Miricle was being at home with A-man, and being with the whole family... Chrsitmas of 08 was the best one yet...and I hope next years A-man will be a James.... :)

(A-man looking out the window reaching for the snow
being thrown at the window by Charlie)

Today a-man turned 10 months.. that is amazing!! he is growing so big and had been home for 14 days!!! that is amazing!! and the thing that is most amazing is that hopefully his blood counts are high enough that we wont have to do chemo this week!! which is a gift, if he does not have to have one..that means we get a-man for Christmas ...... he has a little cold..but other than that he seems to be doing great.... My Christmas wish this year is that we are ALL home for Christmas and that A-man does not have to admitted into the hospital..it is almost that time.. where he gets a blood infection..but I PRAY that he doesn't...

SNOW!! it has not snowed this much in Seattle since 1991 and I was a little 3 year old.... so it is pretty much AMAZING!!! Last night My dad, Charlie and myself were outside for 2 hours sledding on out street.,...Charlie said "That was awesome, bro.. we were going a million miles".................. it was a lot of fun.

And Mr, Feisty..is my little mini me that follows me around the house!! it is cute...the other day he decided that he wanted to sit on my foot..he was my leach..that was stuck!! he is so stinking adorable.. it is amazing that we have had him almost as long as we have had N in our care.... he has grown so much, okay so not in height or weight because he is still one 23 pounds... but he has grown so much by opening up and starting to talk... I taught him how to sign and say "I love you"....... but he Say's "I ove oooo" it is cute.... oh and "Ba-NANA"... that is his favorite fruit... the words that he says most are Mom, dad, and no ...... sometimes he will say something out of the blue... it is the little things that count... it is being able to see the joy in his Eyes and to see how this little 2 year old has changed and have seen what a little love can do........... who knows what is going to happen to Feisty..whether my parents adopt him or not... it is all in the hands of God... but I pray Gods protection over his life... I love my little mini me....and I am thankful that this Christmas I have gotten to spend it with him.. to see the joy he has by every little thing... he is a blessing....the next few months are going to be crazy with him as he has ear tubes put in and some surgery on his heart....

A year ago, this is what my family looked like... our hearts where being torn apart...because out little N was leaving... it is hard to think that it has been a year... it hurts that we haven't seen her.... but I pray she is safe..and that she know she is always loved....... little did I know that a year later...God would trust my parents to take care of Mr. feisty and A-man... and this is our 5th Christmas with Charlie... it is amazing to see how God has everything planned out.... who knows next year by Christmas:

-A-man will have had his transplant
-A-man could be adopted
-Charlie will be in kindergarden
-I will be in the major that I supposed to be in at college
-my parents will be another year younger!
-who knows where Mr. Feisty will be... but next Christmas we will know...

God never ceases to amaze me on how he keeps taking care of my family.... we have had a rough year... with taking in A-man... but it has been worth every since minute... it has been worth only being home with everyone here at the same time for 3 out of the 6 months since A-man has been in my parents care... it has been worth it by seeing God work out every detail... it has been worth building relationships with people at the hospital, showing them what God's love looks like... it has been worth EVERY single minute.... even the times when we thought A-man wasn't going to make it..but he did....... it has been worth every moment when Charlie and I begin to talk.. it amazes me the things 5 year old come up with "Lindsay, why did God make A-man sick?"................. "Lindsay, how is Jesus going to come back?"........ God has been faithful this year.... and next year I know he will be just as faithful in providing for all my needs, the needs of my 3 brothers, my grandma who stays to help out, and the Needs of my parents........

FREEDOM!!! what is that??? what does it truly look like to be free? to be free from the burdens of this world??? to be free in Christ.. to be free to worship and to love him?? what does that look like??

a couple weeks ago I was at my dad's work for the youth's Christmas party.... it was there that I saw freedom..the way that the party was set up was that there were table to stand at, and then the rest of the floor was set up to be a dance floor.... to be able to dance... one of the youth said " we may be homeless, but we can dance"... that Night God showed me that through all circumstances to praise him with all that you have, and you can find freedom through Christ because he can take all of your burdens away.. no matter what you are going through you can still praise me and find freedom in my name.... I heard him say "Lindsay, you may not know what lies ahead for your life, but dance".. and that is what I did.. I danced.. I don't dance good..but I danced!!.. it was a liberating experience to be able to just dance.. and not care about everything around me.... it was an image that I don't want to forget.. the image of all the volunteer, paid staff, and youth dancing together..... and the image of freedom that can be seen in dancing..

It was also later that night that I fond out I did not do so great in Economics.. but that is okay... I am changing my major to Sociology... I never thought that I would write that but I am... it is crazy.. I am going to become a social worker..but not the way I thought...I am going to get my Bachelors in sociology, and then apply to social work school to get my masters... I know that Iam going to become a social worker but the way that I thought so, is not the was it is going to happen.... I am scared at making a major change.... but in the end it will all work out.. God has worked many miracle so far and I know he will continue to.

so what I am going to do, is dance and Praise him through all circumstances, I can't do it alone, but with him I can DANCE!

It is so rare that we get snow where I live..and I proud to say that it has snowed in the rainy city of Seattle!!! it was a good day to stay at home, and play with my brothers... and three of them were home.. A-man came home December 8th and has been home since then..today A-man was looking out the window, as Charlie was throwing snowballs... A-man was so intrigued with the snow being thrown at the window.....

Last night it all of a sudden hit me that A-man's transplant is coming up.. it scares me to death... that he is getting a transplant....the thing that scares me the most is the fact that there is always the possibility that he will not make it... I pray and hope that he does.. I know God has a plan for A-man...and whatever happens is in the hand of God..... In February, my parents are meeting with the transplant team to discuss about the transplant..... this spring he will get the transplant... and we will be in the hospital for 4-8 weeks......

another thing hit me, A-man is turning one!!! soon... well in 2 months.... but for a baby who is a miracle baby...it is a big thing!! it is a big thing that he is rolling all around the floor...and getting all over the place..and and he has a tendency to bight now... which hurts ALOT.... but he is getting so big...he was just a LITTLE 4 pound peanut when my parents first got him at 4 months....now he is 13 pounds....he has nearly tripled in size since we got him......

A-man loves to play under the Christmas tree, he is fascinated with it..he will play with the fake Christmas tree, yes I said fake Christmas tree....that is a big thing in the James house..... to have a fake Christmas tree, but for A-man's health we got one.... I would rather have A-man home and healthy that a tree where he would end up back in the hospital... but for now we are home snowbound... not going anywhere.....

we just got the call from the docs that A-man has ANOTHER positive culture.. so my mom and him are heading to the hospital as I type this... if anyone reads this PRAY..that he will be home for Christmas...... who knows?? only my saviour who has a plan for A-man's life. and I know he makes no mistakes........... he created A-man, he created his body to be like it.. no matter what happens GOD IS STILL THE SAME.. he does not change no matter the circumstance......... whether A-man is home or at the Hospital..

HOLD ON, still that is what I feel Jesus is telling me.. I was listening to this song.. written by Josh WIlson... I have no idea what I am waiting for, but I am holding on.. thats all that I can do.. and this song said the samet thing,

It is once again not me Monday! Hosted by the one and only McKmama

I absolutely did not find the cheese that my mom hid in the refrigerator, and ate it at 2 in the morning

My mom and I did not laugh loud when we were looking through old videos and pictures and found one with my Grandma dancing, it was no so funny we had tears rolling down our eyes.
I was not up until 4 am, talking with my sister and her boyfriend. I am getting way too old to stay up until 4 in the morning… especially on a church day.. I was not tired at church, and to make sure that I wouldn’t fall asleep, I did not use Mr. feisty as an excuse to go to children’s church because we can’t leave him in the Sunday school. I did not have any fun with Charlie and Mr. feisty in children’s church in the end…. I did not finish Charlie’s project by coloring in the last 4 stars on his advent calendar… because he didn’t want to do it anymore, and was getting frustrated at it..

I was not flabbergasted when my brother was having a grown up conversation with me last night as we were eating dinner and getting ready for bed, I was not almost in tears when he asked me “why did God make A-man sick?”, I did not tell him that “God makes no mistakes”. Charlie didn’t in turn ask me about his adoption and why he was adopted… Charlie did not ask me “how will Jesus return to the earth when he comes back?”… I was not impressed with Charlie, okay so I can’t deny this one because it was simply and amazing teachable moment that I was able to spend with my little brother…

I am not in the library at my school doing the not me Monday, because we are supposed to be doing only school work, but in reality I am not doing my school work…

WE ARE ALLLLLLL home... that is right. after 16 days A-man came home tonight...dont know how long he is going to be home, (he is being tested to see if he has and B cells, which he doesn't, so basically he is going to keep getting blood cells until they start giving him hemoglobin's, but more test have to be taken...for now he is home and healthy!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am soooooo thankful that all of us are going to be together on thanks giving this year!!!.... for now I am going to bed... knowing that everyone his home and not at the hospital...at least for tonight.......

guess who is coming home today?????? after 16 days of being in the hospital..... and being the most amazing 9 month old baby... A-man is going to spend his first thanks giving at home!! oh how thankful I am for God, because we thought that was not going to be able to come home before the hospital..but he is!!

so my hope is that A-man will be home for a long time..as long as his little body can not get blood infections.............. and stay healthy... so this time around I think my mom is going to cover all his lumen's with this water shield that we use to give him a bath in hopes that he wont get any blood infections soon........

PRAISE GOD!! our little miracle is coming home for thanks giving.. I know I am thankful to be with family!

Visiting
by Coley Strickland

My innocent and sweet baby boy,
I knew you could bring me so much joy.
But you deserved more than just love alone,
So my gift to you was a mom, a dad, and a stable home.

We talked and thought open adoption seemed to be the best,
Little did I know that my soul it would test.
I am told that it was a loving choice,
And I know your mom and dad look at you and rejoice.

We would have the chance to see each other,
And you the opportunity to know your brother.
This seemed to be the best thing for you
I just didn't know how hard it would be to follow through.

Each visit with you can be so tough
I never knew loving you would be so rough,
I hear you say "Mama" and realize it's not meant for me
I silently shed tears you can not see.

I watch you playing and walking
I listen as you never stop talking!
We play and have so much fun
But I don't think you realize you are my son.

Oh no, it's time to say goodbye
I fight back the tears as I want to cry
The goodbyes are always the hardest part
I always dread them right from the start.

My heart hurts; I love and miss you so
And I wonder if you miss me every time I go.
Between our precious visits and time spent with each other
I hope you will always remember the love of your birthmother.




I found this poem online and it made me think Of Charlie's Birth mom, and I am thankful for my Aunt J, for allowing us to adopt Charlie and I know it is SO hard to leave him, but the courage I see in her and the pain that she has been through since Steve died, I pray for her, and I hope that Charlie will one day know that he is truly loved, I don't care what my mom's family thinks about my Steve's wife, I don't care what anyone thinks or what hap pend when Steven died, or who mis played with what..., what I am thankful for is Charlie's birth mom, for carrying him and having a relationship with him, I know it is hard cause every time you see Charlie, you see a mirror image of Steven....but what a gift Charlie is, that last thing that steven asked me the night before he dies was "will you take care of my son?" and I told him "Alwaays uncle steve"... it was like he knew that Jesus was calling him home and wanted to know Charlie would be taken care of... I get a tear in my eye everytime I think of the wedding that took place the night before steve passed. this poem reminded me of Aunt J and what she must feel everytime she comes for a visit to see charlie and really reminds me of the importance of open adoption, of allowing the child to see their birth mom....







It is amazing how much they look alike, but my hope for my brother is that he knows he is his own person and that God can reign in his life.... I am so thankful for my cousin who became my forever Brother....

So I dont usually post two blogs in a row, but I did...this is my blog so I can do what I want!!! worship, what is it??????????? why has God allowed us to worship him?? why is it that so many people think of worship as singing on sundays at church, and that is the only time we truely worship him??

Worship is more that our sunday's at church, it is the times when we are giving our all to Jesus, truely gazing in awe of what and who God is, it is when we are on our knee's crying at the foot of the cross, it is when we are broken for Jesus.. it is when we are being honest with him, it is when we are vulnerable to his will, it is when we lift up our hands and surrender all to him, knowing that we can't do it alone.... Worship is when when we walk through our daily lives asking him to do his will in our personal life...

why am I talking about worship? when I was in Thailand 2 years ago I really learned what worship was, it was when I truely say who God is, and how to worship God that is not on in the sunday morning service with people singing... this video really sums it up, what worship is and why is was created... the main thing I got from this video is, IT IS NOT ABOUT US IT IS ABOUT HIM!!

This is simply: TOOOOOO CUTE!

On days like today all I have to remember is that God created me, and everything that I am doing is for his Glory, even if that means forgetting Deodorant at home, and realizing once I got to the hospital I totally forgot it..... now I am finding alternatives... like hand gel... hey it works as great deodorant!!!

On days like today, when the baby is in protest of the many different exercises that the Physical therapist showed me, all I have to do is look at him and see the miracle baby that he is, even when he does not want to sleep....and only be held..all I have to do is remember that I am blessed to be holding this miracle baby......

On days like today, I fall more in love with my soon to be forever brother by making a bond that cant be broken

On days like today, Jesus captivates me with what he is doing in this world, and what he is doing in the lives of young children.... knowing that he has not forgotten about them

On days like today, my love and patients grows stronger, and my heart yearns to seek after Jesus....

on Days like today, Coffee was my hero but Tully's was not...

On days like today, I wish that A-man was home so that all 6 of us can be together....

On days like today.... I am thanking God, because A-man does not have, the rare disease the haematologist thought he had....

On days like today, I know my savior is at work..... and is at work in the life of A-man, healing him and making him stronger...

He's my son By mark Schultz

I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs your help
I've done all that i can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure you can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill up her eyes

Chorus~
Can you hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see him?
Can you make him feel all right?
If you can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See he's not just anyone
He's my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there

Chorus

Can you hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see him?
Can you make him feel all right?
If you can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See he's not just anyone
He's my son

Can you hear me?
Can you see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son

A-man is not my son but he is my brother and soon to be hopefully forever brother when my parents adopt him.... , I often Find myself on my bed side praying for him, praying that he can be healed from HLH, that he wont feel any pain from going through Chemotherapy... ... praying and pleading for his life.......but sometime I don't exactly see what God is doing for A-man but I know he has worked miracles... many many miracles in this young baby's life... but still I am often crying out to God "can you hear me? do you hear our prayers??..every time he goes back to the hospital.... every time we get lab results.....

God do you hear our prayers? do you see him? do you hear his cry in the night when he cant sleep because he is sooo sick?? God can you please allow A-man to be home for more than 9 days???? can you keep his body healthy until transplant??? I know you can...

on a side note, when my parents adopt A-man....his adoption color is going to be blue...okay so for a short story when my parents adopted charlie, the week before I had a brilliant idea and have everyone to wear orange..it was just plain fun and a way to celebrate the wonderful gift of my parents adopting Charlie...so of course I said "Mom, what is A-man's adoption color going to be??" and she said "blue".....oh I hope that we get to adopt him........

This morning I was browsing through my e-mails and stumbled upon this one listed below, and it pin point some main things that I was thinking about the church and being human, we all go through trials and tribulations and don’t really understand something’s and most of all we mess up, but the thing is that in the church we often try to cover that and be the “Perfect people” by putting on a I am holy and perfect mask, I admit it I do it, but recently I have been really trying to be honest with myself and be open with people about the areas of my life that I am not perfect. My favorite part of the e-mail was this: “the fact that the Holy Spirit is leading people into being open even about the not so good areas of our life is for me a big green light of hope into an amazing future of blessings and revival”. So I am going to say it bold and loud, I AM NOT PERFECT AND I MESS UP… it is not like I have done anything wrong lately it is that I am human I make mistakes I get frustrated, I have troubles and drawbacks in life… and I want to be open about it and stop covering it up trying to put on a mask. Last year when I was walking from class to my Dorm, I was praying and asked God what he was doing with me, what plans he had for me, and what he wants for my life and he told me “Lindsay, I am breaking you to perfection”…and that is all he said… do I know exactly what he meant? No I don’t...but what I do know is that he is challenging me and is working with me…he is breaking me to perfection, I will never be perfect but I can strive to follow God and listen to his calling in my life…



. . . And I am getting really happy about it! We all have troubles, and drawbacks, and frustrations, and a lot of times we mess up! Actually, it seems sometimes we mess up big time! Yet it seems to me that we are not trying to hide it. This does not mean we are to bask and relish on our having problems and become proud of our messes, but the fact that the Holy Spirit is leading people into being open even about the not so good areas of our life is for me a big green light of hope into an amazing future of blessings and revival.

Why revival? How does revival relate to messed up people? People who have all their ducks in a row, leading aseptic perfect lives with no hiccups or surprises seem to develop a life that does not expect; the expectancy factor is lost. Would this be the reason why God seems to have a knack for unlikely people: boy do we have hope then!

The law of Entropy states in a nutshell that the universe tends to move to a state of order. Now, this that sounds so good is not, not really. The state of perfect order is achieved when everything is dead!

Look at this church: One had a row with another about aspects of ministry. Another did not get involved for fear of what someone else would say. Yet the other totally shunned and shut out his fellow minister rejecting him. They have a messy situation with the fellowship with some ladies complaining against another group of ladies. Some were praying and when the answer came they did not believe it. One was advised not to go, but he got himself into trouble because he did not hear. Another time one was taken to court but his fellow church members and ministers left him alone with no help. Some complained very harshly because one was asking for financial help for the ministers. Some were trying to use money to buy gifts. They were divided. They argued about doctrine. They exasperate each other at times. Many times they hurt each other with attitudes and words. Yet all the time people were blessed, saved, healed, restored, transformed, and the Holy Spirit moved big time with them!
Wow! And that was the most powerful church in history: the church in the New Testament! I do not want to come to church to meet masks as if every week we have a Venice Carnival going one for a few hours. I want a church with real people, not one where everybody wears a mask that hides the real "me" or the real "you". Some put on a mask of "all is well" and some put on a mask of "please pray for me", yet others put on a mask to say "oh how concerned I am" while the few that dare show themselves in their real-reality are usually frowned upon.

I want a church of Pauls, who messed up his ministerial relationships; and of Peters who play with the wrong crowd at times; and of Phillips that doubted, were rebuked and drawn back to faith: and all that action happened within the inner circle of Jesus; they failed but remained real close to Jesus. Too long to mention all the others because I would have to mention hundreds.
I want a church of messed ups who simply linger in the same room where Jesus is: for then there is hope for that church and for the city where that church is planted.
Moving toward a move of God

Rev. J. Conrad Lampan RevivalHighway Newport - Wales - United Kingdom

Today is international Adoption day...well for 6 more minutes....it is such an amazing gift that adoption is... It has me reflecting on Charlie's Adoption and how the whole process happened so fast.. it was so interesting having my cousin become my brother but I am glad that he did...not only by law but by God entrusting my parents to take care of him for LIFE... I am so thankful for him and for the blessing that he has been.... I remember his small little body when we got him, rocking him for hours, talking to him, and gazing upon his wonderful smile... I am so shocked that he is already 5......... and to see him become the young child that God created to be!!!

When my parents were adopting Charlie I found this Poem and I have loved it and cling ed to it........

Today I kissed an angel I knew it from the start the first time that my angel smiled at me I gave away my heart
today I kissed an angel this angel child of mine though not of my creation my child by God's design
Today I kissed an angel my heart is dancing wild our family, by a miracle blessed by our angel child

God is sooo amazing!!! this month is a big month.. two years ago this month my parents became foster parents, it was 5 years ago that charlie came into kinship care, it is the month that our sweet neveah was born and also the same month we found out we would have to let her go, it is the month that we also found out that MY FAMILY IS GOING TO ADOPT A-MAN!!! yes that is right!! his mother is agreeing to let us adopt him.... I am in awe that God would trust us with him and most of all his birth mom!!!!! I am so joyful and have been dancing!! although this past four months have been hard of having to be in and out of the hospital with A-man...there is the fact that we get to adopt him!! I am so joy full when A-man becomes a James!!!! woot woot!! I will have another brother!!!

Tonight Mr, Feisty stole the show at a foster parents info meeting trying to get new people to become foster parents, he is soo stinking cute most of all his new word DOOOON'T........
but I am so excited that through this Journey of being a foster family we able to adopt this baby boy who is by any means supposed to be here on this earth today but God has kept him around and has given him a family to love him.. it is soo amazing what a little love can do...

Thank you Jesus!! for allowing me to be his Forever sister!!!

Today was the best holiday ever! I know we don't really celebrate veterans day or do anything out of the ordinary but today was a day that I got to spend with my family yes it started of rough but it turned out to be the best day! we went out to eat Chinese food, went shopping and went to our friends house to eat ice cream, I took the best nap ever and went to go see A-man and my mom..... it was a full day of events and of fun with my brothers and grandma.. and yes I should of been studying but I didn't feel guilty not doing my homework. on our way to the Hospital charlie had the following conversation with my that made laugh so hard:

Charlie: (Giggles in his cut innocent voice) Lindsay, I want to be a girl

Lindsay: Why?

Charlie: So that I can carry a purse

Lindsay: You don't need to be a girl to carry a purse, daddy carries a man bag

Charlie: Oh he does?? so do you have a women bag??

Lindsay: Yes charlie I do.. I have women bag..

the ideas that little children get and the ideas of what people can and cant do are learned at such an early age... my five year old brother shouldn't have to put the boundaries of what he should or should not do based on gender.. but he is an amazing kid.. today he was just a JOY!! we also had the following conversation..
Lindsay: Charlie you want to go out for pho instead of Chinese

Charlie: oh great.. sure lets go

Lindsay: Okay are you sure?

Charlie: actually no I want to go to Chinese food

Grandma: we can come back another day!!

Charlie: we can come back for dinner and I will pay

Lindsay and Grandma: who is going to pay?

Charlie: ME!!!!!!!

Lindsay: do you have money?

Charlie: yes I mean no.... I can barrow money

Grandma: where you going to get it??

Charlie:hey Lindsay can I borrow money???

he is so amazing!! and I love my brother just the personality and the love that he has for everyone.......... as we were heading up to the hospital he grabbed a book that mom could read to him for his goodnight story.. it broke my heart when he gave mom the book and had her read it to him.. of course she read the BEST STORY!! the cat in the hat......

The doctors still do not know what is going on with A-man, I believe and still have faith that somehow someway A-man will be home for thanksgiving.. if not we will have thanksgiving at children's Hospital!!!! it is amazing how the nurses treat my family!! I think A-man has this bug that every time someone looks at him they just want to grab him and they fall in love! one of the nurses my mom has become close to and has offered to put together a meal sign- up to bring my parents food for whoever is in the room.. how amazing is that?? living at children's is hard and being separated is hard but I know God has his hand in all of this, his will in the end will be full filled.. the countless number of conversations with nurses learning of all the connections that we have with them, seeing them work and take care of A-man, seeing their love and passion of how they cared for A-man when he had no family to stay with him.... I remember my first time visiting A-man in the hospital and his dresser was FILLED with clothes and and crib decorated with toys and stuffed animals that we either bought or we later found out nurses took toys from the operating room and snuck into his crib. I am blessed to see them and to know that they are taking care of A-man... it sucks being there to be honest but at least we are surrounded by people who care and who love A-man... we like to play a game called where is A-man?? the time that the game starts is whenever we fall asleep or leave the room.. the object of the game is to locate A-man on the floor and to guess which nurse has A-man!!!!!he is blessed baby and I am thank full that he has come into our lives!!!

(Charlie with a picture of his doctor who is famous and AMAZING!! he is the best of the best and his picture is all over the hospital...)

Last but not least we decided that we wanted to treat ourselves to a litte snack and took this picture!! charlie reached his hands around us and said " It is so nice to spend some time with my best buds!!!" the picture isnt the greatest but It is sooo cute!

Today was one of those days that I just didn't want to do anything but just stay at home and read books wishing that A-man and my mom were home.. I kept checking A-mans bed to make sure he wasn't there....... I knew he wasn't....He was back in the hospital because he has 2 different types of blood infections.. and the Doctors don't know where they are coming from.. I think they are from his central line but I am no doctor by any means..... I kept looking all day for A-man.... just hoping that he would somehow appear in his bed.. but he didn't....... I wish I had a super power to heal all the children who are suffering from diseases but I don't.. but I Serve a God that can I believe that A-man can be healed, although it seems like my prayers are not being answered I know God hears them.... I know he hears the prayers of my parents.... I know he hears the prayers of his people..... I just need to have faith and not be afraid of what God has planned for my Brother... it is so hard to put all my trust in God when A-man keeps going back to the hospital after coming home.....I just want to cry out to God and ask him WHY DOES THIS BABY HAVE TO SUFFER.... why does he have to have HLH?????????????? why him? why do these little children have to be in so much pain?? why cant they have their childhood?? the hardest time is after chemo, the three days of steroids that he goes on and get road rage.... yea that is when I am screaming WHY HIM?? cause we don't have sweet little A-man oh no..he doesn't come back for a full 3 days.... I think throughout this journey that my family is on with A-man I want Jesus to be glorified he is still the same God and his will be done in A-mans life.. I sometimes with that I could do it all my own but I cant I am only human... But God can.. he do all things!!! A-mans bed at home is empty But I know one day he will be home for know I will visit him in the hospital only wishing, I could pull a code pink and take him home but I cant......it is kind of scary I think my parents and I could walk that hospital in our sleeps.. oh the wonderful adventures of the hospital

This is my first not me Monday!!!

I absolutely did not Go with my mom and dad to a tavern because that would be just illegal... and to eat the most amazing pizza, I did not ponder the idea of how old I am getting because next year I wont have to sneak in.. I totally did not have a tear in my eye when my mentor's friend sang a song filling up the whole tavern.. I totally did not feel the God's spirit as I was sitting there..I did not come home from the dessert and start to fill out the application so that I can become a volunteer at my dad's work

I do not miss my mom and A-man as they are sitting at children's hospital...and thinking about how I could pull a code pink..

I did not ignore Mr feisty smelly pants for 2 minutes only hoping that my dad would change it..but in the end I did it anyways .. darn it!!!!!

I did not almost miss my bus to school today because I wanted to meet Mr feisty man's social worker..

I did not wonder this week how my fish tank got so clean only to realize that it was soo dirty that all the dirtiness went to the bottom of the tank...

I did not hide away gum in my room so that Charlie wont find it!!

I did not do any of the above.. Nope not me!

(From the photoshoot, his PERFECT FEET)

A-man is home once again!! he was not a happy camper today.. we did everything but he was definitely being a chemo baby.. but tomorrow he will be acting happy and get to see and enjoy his two front teeth that have recently come in!!! Tonight I have been pondering the question, Am I scared for A-man to get healed? because if he does we have no idea what will happen to him, and I have to admit that if he did get healed from his disease and didn't need a transplant, no more chemo, what would happen to him??? would he have to leave us and return to his hometown? would my parents not be able to keep him? it is all the what ifs, and simply pure selfishness of wanting to keep this precious baby that God has blessed us with, it is for my own self pity that I haven't fully prayed for healing over this baby, but I cant do that. I know God can heal this baby, and to place him in Gods hands knowing that whatever happens in A-man's is in God's will.......... so Now I am going to Pray for healing and know that God can heal A-man from HLH... and any other illnesses that he has.. I know that whatever happens God is the same God no MATTER what happens with A-man, and yes I do wish for him not to have to feel the pain, this little guy has been through so much, from talking to the doctors telling us that when he went to the hospital that they thought he was not going to make it, A-man is a fighter, he is a sweet baby, and I honestly don't want to see his medical bill.. when we my mom found out about A-man, he had been in the hospital all by himself for 3 months... now he is a different baby, he likes to be held certain ways, bounced, does not like to have his diapers dirty, he loves his wubnub http://www.twobluepeas.com/m-20-wubbanub.aspx, oh and that has to be a certain way, staring at his perfect baby feet, him reaching up to have his hand kissed, the way that he smiles it melts your heart and makes you forget about the Chemo that just happened the week before. this baby truly has the hand of God on his life, he is simply and wonderful by baby brother that I dont want to let go of, but I needto put all of my wants and needs and put them Gods hands and to begin to pray for total healing over this Baby.........

on another note I has a meeting with my academic advisor and we talked about everything that happened with my college mentor and it was a really good talked she told me I was not wrong for not wanting to work with her anymore, I am truly blessed to Go to the University that I go to and to find such a strong Christian to talk to. we talked for two hours about everything that was going on, from what classes, who we are voting for, getting into the school of social work, my brothers, last summer. it was a meeting that truly made my willingness to stay at the UW and to not run away because I felt violated from one person..... but this week hopefully I get to have a meeting with the person who is in charge of my scholarship,and talk about my possible options of what to do.. I truly feel like I want to stay at UW and wait it out........... Because God did not give me the vision of attending the UW to just quit like that...

So this month my Goal is to continually pray for A-man and for God to work in his life and to be thankfull to God for everything that he has given me and my family as we continue on this road of being a foster family... I just realized that is has been exactly 2 years since we started this journey and have had 14 babys in the process!!!

(My mentor Shaila and me after my graduation in 07)

"Open Me"- Shawn McDonald

Would You open up eyes, so I can see
Would You open up my ears, so I can hear
Would You open up my mind, so I can know
Would You open up my heart, so could love You more

I want to serve You, my God
I want to give everything
I want to serve You, my King, yeah
I want to serve You, my Lord
I want to give You everything, yeah

Here I am with my arms open wide
Asking for You to come up, up inside
Won’t You make me new, won’t You make me true
Jesus, won’t You make me like You, oh

Will You touch my eyes so I can see
Will You touch my ears so I can hear
Will You touch my mind so I can know
Will You touch my heart so I can love You more

Won’t You open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me


I pray that God can continue to OPEN me... that I can grow to be the Women of God he has called me.. I need him to OPEN me... This past week has been very challenging but to make a long story short I accidentally marked my financial aid wrong. I had a meeting with my mentor that I have to have for a scholarship, she is also the director of financial aid at my school... but we were talking and she was asking what I was up to these days so I started to talk to her about the boys, school, helping out at home, just about life as a college student when she looked at me and said "Lindsay, your aid is wrong and it says you are living away from home" I was like "OH" so immediately she stopped what we were talking about and picked up the phone and called the people to change my aid. she was SO consumed in the fact that I marked my aid wrong and forgot what we were doing. I don't know if It is me just being me but I felt like I was violated, as a student I understand that she was doing her Job but I think the situation could of been handled different... I was talking to my dad this morning as we were driving after getting out morning cup of Starbucks!!!! and asking if it is wrong that I feel this way he said, No.... what happened when we were meeting was not appropriate.. what happened last Thursday has really affected me all week and has really been on my mind to really evaluate if I really want to be at the UW. to really look at why I am pursing higher educaton, to really just evaluate the institution that I am attending. I feel like I am in between a hard wall and a rock. but I am planning on going and talking to the lady who is the head of my scholarship to see if I can get a new mentor, in which I would see if I could get my old mentor from high school who has never stopped being my mentor!! thank God for Sheila!!
and I am also going to see if it is possible to take a quarter off of UW and attend community college, so that I can take the classes that would be like 500 students at UW with only 30 students. so hopefully everything works out.. I honestly don't know what I am going to do.. but I trust God has a plan for me..

So I am praying that God can OPEN me so that I can know what he has planned for me... Oh and A-man has 2 teeth!!!! and we didn't even know it... :)..

Finally after 15 days, A-man is home from the hospital!!!! I am so glad to have him home.. :)..and also my mom!!!!!! I took this picture when I was flying home from my vacation to Florida... this Picture just shows Gods Beauty!!!

Keep Holding on,
Once again that is what I keep seeing, the word I keep getting...

although so much of me doesn’t want to stay at the UW, I am reminded of the Vision I had when I was in Thailand, I was sitting on my bed praying and I was asking God " where is it that you want to me to go to college??" and I got a vision of me walking up to the main campus at the UW..... I knew that I was supposed to go there... I tried to hard to go to every other college but it didn’t work out.. So I went to the UW. So I need to
Keep holding on,
I need to wait for his timing, and not lean on my own understanding, I want to have a passion for learning again, I am so tired of being tired of studying, I want to be at peace with whatever happens when I apply to the school of Social work, I want to be brave.. Brave to learn and take chances...

Keep holding on,
hold on and wait for Anthony to come home, and be at peace with whatever happens with him, I don’t want to wait, I want to know what is going on with him, I want to know that he is okay, that only at 8 months he has been through so much.
Keep holding on,

And have peace with Fortress, have peace that he is well taken care of...

"Keep holding on, to that child like faith. Keep holding on to me Lindsay... because I can do all things... Keep holding on to ME AND ONLY ME don’t look to your own understanding, don’t look to the World, don’t look to man, don’t look anywhere but my face"...

do I will continue to hold on with all I have left in me, hold on to the true God who has changed my Life, who has given me the strength to want to serve him with all my heart... this Saturday I go to my training to that I can start working at a homeless drop in center near my school I am excited.. About what this new volunteer opportunity brings for me.....

I was on face book and someone sent me the song my Avril Levine "keep holding on" and I knew that I was being told to keep holding on..

JOHN WALLER WHILE I'M WAITING LYRICS

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord









My mom posted this song on her Blog and everything that I have been talking about in this song is what I am going through......what I feel..it sums it up...PERFECTLY!!!

Today I was half asleep riding on the Bus to my school and I was thinking about so many things my head was racing and racing, one thing after another, I mean I was on information OVERLOAD… when I asked God so what do I do??? and I waited a second and looked up half asleep, when I saw this sign on the bus that said “Hold on”, Hold on Lindsay and wait for me, wait for my will in your life, wait for me and as you wait begin to draw near to me, begin to put all you have in me Lindsay, I am going to take care of you…….. it was a divine moment with my Jesus, I feel so relieved yes I am stressed with living at home, going to school, having mid-terms this week, helping out, having my grandma living with us, I sometimes feel like I have no privacy……. but for this time in my life I am called to be at home with my parents. So I am told by God to “hold on”.
Today we had the Photo shoot with A-man, and it turns out the photographer goes to hospitals all the time and takes pictures of babies who are in the hospital, she was such an amazing women and took some AMAZING picture.. I am so thankful that she did that for my family, I know they are just pictures but they mean so much when A-man Is so sick......

My prayer for this week is that I can fully begin to look to Jesus in all that I do, by relying on him for everything that I do. This song is one that I learned when I was going into High School and it has really been my prayer for my generation, that we can see God and be the people that God has called us to be!!!! it has been hard to fully rely on God and to take a bold step to be obedient and to take risk...especially when my heart is tired of seeing A-man sick...I never doubt God that he doesn’t have a will for A-mans young life but I wonder, why are all these kids in so much pain?? What did they do to deserve Cancer of other rare diseases??? Why them??? Why do they have to have chemotherapy at the age of 8 months??? Why do so many of the Kids on A-mans floor have to deal with anxiety of not knowing if they are going to make it??? I couldn’t imagine what these kids are going thru, but why God???? Why these kids, who are so precious and innocent??? I know God can heal A-man and all that other children, I know he has the power, but is it in his will?? I don’t know??? I only pray and hope that A-man can live to see this world and all that is in it. I pray that one day A-man will know he is blessed.

often I get ideas and don’t follow thru, but today I was sitting at home and I felt like we needed to get a Photographer for A-man, because he doesn’t have any tubes in his nose, so I looked and looked and couldn’t find one, so I looked at the now I lay me down to sleep website and found some good photographers in the area, so I called this one lady who had a website, I looked at it and felt like I just needed to call and see if someone is willing to do it... so I did and she is willing!!!! She lives about 14 miles from us, and she is willing to come to the hospital and take pictures of A-man for free, what a GIFT!!! I didn’t tell her where I found her but she was totally amazing!!! And willing to do this for my family!!! it is such a gift and I cant wait for the pictures to be taken....I am in awe that someone is willing to do that...I was going to pay for it because I think it is important to get done...but she is willing to do it for free!!!!.. But Unfortunately due to Child privacy acts we won’t be able to show any of the pictures that are taken with A-man on the internet....

Her laugh is a faint memory




It has almost been a year since we found out that our sweet “N” was not going to be living with us anymore and return home.. tonight I was laying in my bed getting ready to sleep and I began to pray for Charlie, who has his surgery in less than 6 hours, For Feisty man and seeing how far he has come these past 7 months, and PRAISING GOD for the life of A-man and the miracles that are already being done in his body… these past two years of my parents being foster parents have brought on many great trials of joyfulness of being able to love on every kid who walks through the doors and time of sorrow of having to trust God as we let go some of the ones we grew closest to, each child with a different story and but know that God has his hand on each one of their lives. When I found out “N” was leaving I was playing with her and took a recording of her sweet voice on my cell phone, as weird as that may sound I still listen to it every now and then just to be able to hear her voice for one last time. I miss her so much and I wish that I could see her. all the little babies I see, I think of “N” how soon she is going to be two, how she is now walking, talking more than ever and is now a big sister!!. How I wish for just one second I could see this little Girl God's and has been on her life from the start of her life.. How when she came to us she was so small, tiny, and lifeless …but we loved her and prayed for God to work in her life.. after 9 months of her living with us she was totally different baby who was full of life, joy, and zest for life. soon after she turned 1 she was gone just like that................. above all I pray and hope that she can become who God created to be, that she can live life to the fullest. I may never see her again but I am praying for her knowing that God is in control of her Precious life! I am thankful for her because she taught me so much about how to live life to the fullest and to love everyone no matter what they are going through.. she taught me alot about faith and trusting God to take care of it. she was only 1 when she left but she forever changed me.

I am so thankful for Charlie and the two other boys! they are simply amazing! today Charlie and Fiest man were soo good in church!! I was watching them cause my mom was at the hospital with A-man, and my was in jail (okay, so he was preaching at the jail this sunday).. but I was giving the boys some food to eat when Mrs, D who was my boss this summer for camp pulled me aside and asked me, "What is going on with you dad?" I replied "he is at the jail preaching" mrs D looked at me "Okay that makes sense because I asked Charlie your dad was and he said that he was in jail, I told charlie that his dad isnt in jail but charlie but he insisted that he was because you told him.... I just wanted to make sure that everything was okay and nothing happend...." I was like oh he is fine... and we laughed about it.. and I told charlie that daddy was coming home to see him later after he got done preaching.. I just had a good time with the boys, playing football in the house, coloring, watching tv, and just being with them! they are the most amazing boys EVER!!!

School started this past week...and once again I am in surprised that I am in my 2nd year of college..it is so crazy truely how time goes by.. it is crazy that 5 years ago Charlie was born.. and what is even more crazy is that this thursday I am turning 20...... me 20??? I never thought that the time would come.. where is this life I am living going?? what am I here called to do???? what is my purpose?? I dont know.... I wish that I could see a map of my life and know what was going to happen... what is even more amazing is that for 5 generations the women on my mom's side of the family for married and had children before their 20th birthday...... My grandma Ivy told me one thing that I will never forget "Lindsay, wait to get married it is not fun being married at 15 watching everyone else going off to school, when I was there with my daughter and pregnant with my son, if there is anything for you I ask you to wait"... from that moment at the age of 13 I promised my G.G that I would wait.. wait to get marriend to live the life that she didnt get to live. to be young and travel, and most of all to get a higher Educaton... I am not saying that for 5 generations they did not grow up to amazing Women because My GG, grandma samp and my mom were/are amazing women of God... and I see how God worked in their lifes.. and to be honest I am Glad my mom had me!!!! I am Glad how God has worked in my familys life.... I am Glad that my G.G told me that...because it really showed me to WAIT and to not rush....... to simply live life a little.... to explore.......and to seek God with all my heart and soul.... My G.G left one thing to me when she died and it was nothing that I can hold on to physically but it was those words that have allowed me to look beyond getting married anytime soon and to live life..... to be able to go and get an education is not alway easy and I would rather do everything but my homework but I need to remind myself that I am trying to reach for the stars and with every page I read for school I am getting close to that one star of getting my degee in Social work..who knows what id going to happen five years.... who knows?? I dont...all I need to do is wait.....be patient.... and seek after God with all that I have......

WOW!! I can’t believe that this summer has gone by so fast!! What as life changing summer…summer camp changed my life this year what has it taught me? I don’t know I feel like such a stronger person, someone who is going to stand up for what she believes in. I feel like God is shaping my life..Showing me how to be brave and to really take a stand for my faith……. Summer camp was a place where my love for ministries really grew again..I desire to serve God with all that I have it is not always easy but when you give him your all he uses you, I desire to be used by the holy on! When summer camp was over I went to Florida for a week to surprise my aunt for her Birthday. it was so much fun I was dreading going cause I honestly have a hard time being around that side of the family because of the past, and sometimes it is hard to forget what happened. But I went and stood up for what I believed in. the most beautiful part of Florida was when we went to the beach..it was SOO amazing…….

You know it is crazy I am turning 20 soon, that is sooo stinking crazy I honestly cannot believe it. That I am going to be 20..I am getting old..and I am going to be a sophomore in college….time goes by so fast…

How can it be....So the first week of camp came to an end....we have 20 kids enrolled.....and I have only one child...... which I love her but I am kinda bored with only one..but whatever happens happens.......... it was fun going to the Zoo last week and just spending time seeing some of Gods creation....... I have found that as I am on my journey to grow closer to God I am beginning to get visions from God..... like today I was in church and brother Skip was praying over the worship team and all of a sudden I saw this dim red light shining on the worship team..it was really interesting..I wonder what God was trying to show me... I love that I am finally growing in Christ.....oh and Saturday night I heard God tell me to call a friend..so I did...and it turned out she was having a really hard time..I am excited...and looking forward to what Christ is doing through me...... it is so nice to finally to be able to hear his small still voice... once again.........

I am at peace....for once in my life I know that God is in control.....yes everything around me is not okay....my Dad is sick, my Foster brother got really sick over the weekends and didn't get to come home, all the people around me that I shared so much with are gone and I never see them, I am starting my new Job, I keep falling in love with these foster kids and then they leave or the state of Washington just plain stinks and makes wrong decision's.....my friends around me are not always making the wisest choice............and I did 100% better in spring quarter of college........this is my life...crazy never resting....but I like it....I like being able to be at peace with all of it..and knowing that I don't have to worry....and give it to God to take care of!!!! it is so relieving..this I have felt such peace and patients in my heart...and I know it is God showing his love for me...I like when I got into a relationship 2 years ago my whole relationship with God has been on a rollarcoaster ride...for once it is getting better...I am getting visions and dreams that I know are from God..... and it feels so relieving to be real with God and to be vulnerable to him once again..... I don't ever want to go back...to how I was....I want to keep this peace.....

so tomorrow we are setting up for camp!! I am excited to be part of a pioneering camp..it is the first of many to come.....but I am scared of being a leader and scared of failing my kids........but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13............I pray that God can be in the camp this week and to give me all that I need so I can pour myself into my kids..and totally just LOVE on them............

As I went to my retreat this past weekend for work, on of our devotions we got asked the question, what is you holding you back from fullfilling the call that God has place on your life? and we had to draw a picture....and that is how mine came out....on the left side it is showing how I am now, holding on to my past and not allowing god to shine through me. I sometimes do not want to let go and let God take control.........and it leaves me feeling down and honestly I feel like I carry my burdends...by not being in his word and spending the time that I need in order to be the Women of God that he has called me to be.

on the right side it is showing me as being fully emersed in Gods glory, by "standing on his holy ground". by reading and growing closer to God... as I am letting Gods glory shine out of me, people are gatherd around me that I am going to serve in some way, because they can see christ through me.

I feel as thought this is what God is saying for me to do..to fully give my self to him by sacraficing it all...and to take time in his word to grow closer...so that I can fullfill the purpose that Jesus has for me!!!!

So I am praying that I can become the Women that God designed me to be.... I want to fullfill my purpose on this earth.... God please continue to heal me and draw me closer to you!!

If you have come to help me you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together"
- Aboriginal Activist


So last quarter at school in the Dialogue class they gave us this purple piece of paper that has this quote on it, and ever since I got it I have been thinking about it..and what is means to be in an Alliance with people and to really be their to work and not "Save them" but to work together alongside people who are in the everyday struggle of life such as discrimination and racism. I often think of the classic example of when I moved to Seattle, a VERY DIVERSE COMMUNITY, I began to work with the kids at the elementary school, my goal was to help and save the kids for Jesus but soon I got tired and my energy got really low as soon as I looked to God and said "I cant be the savior for these kids only you can, I need you to show me how to work along side them and work with them to fight their battles". My whole way of working with kids and even people has changed. to walk alongside people and to work with people who sometimes don't have a voice in society. I want to be an example of someone who isn't using their white privilege when working with people but to let go of that and help someone fight a fight that is hard to fight alone...I think that this can come to be true by being in community that is diverse and to be open minded...I loved this class cause we were so vulnerable to each other, we weren't there to save people but rather talk about and work our way through tough issues with each other. I think that this Quote is really important for all people specifically whites who want to help people, to realize that they don't need help people need someone who is willing to building an alliance and to walk hand in hand, helping to work through issues together..... I want to be that person who is walking along side people who are less fortunate than me and to build a community of people who are will to listen and fight for Freedom............

So I found this video and started to cry completely....because my parents have been foster parents but also we do receiving home care for babys who's birth mom's CHOOSE to give them up for adoption. each baby comes with a different story whether the mom is young or old, the mom chose to give them up for whatever reason it may be. when the baby's leave they go away with their new parents who are full of joy and hope. I am so thankful for all the birthmom's who chose birth for their children because all of the babys we have had so far are happy and healthy, and I know they will thank their Birthmoms for choosing life.......

WOW!!! I AM DONE WITH MY FIRST YEAR AT COLLEGE!! it has been a journey that is for sure, this year I feel like I learned to much....next year I will be applying for the School of Social Work!!! that is so amazing..it is soo neat to know that I have God on my side...I honestly dont think that I could of made it through this school year if I didnt have him.....so much happend with the Church plant and with my family...but I MADE IT!!!! by that grace of God.... I am excited to be done..this summer is going to be life changing...and I am not going to be the same person as I am now when I am finished...and I am excited to be challenged and stretched as I begin my Internship with the church..... wow...God is AMAZING..so we only had 8,000 dollars to do camp this summer...and yesterday their was a conference and God provided alllllllllllllllllll the money we need to be able to run the camp plus extra.....we have all 40,000!!!!!!!! God is GOOOOOOD!!!

when my family lived in Lynnwood I met this friend 10 years ago and we got really close when my family was going through a rough time I pretty much lived at Sarah's house. it was I time in my life were I needed somewhere to go that was not my own house. and I am thankful that I had a house to go to... I got so close to the blaine family..... but as my family got cloesr to God he called us to move out of the apartments...since then I havent really seen them......but Sarah graduated from high school!! and well that is the picture of us..now it is so amazing...to see old friends.... when I saw Robin (Sarah's mom) she started to cry because she hadn't seen me in soooo long.........and as shocked at who I am becoming...and was amazed that we were alll grown!!! I love looking back at my life and seeing how God has worked and chaged my family...if someone would of told me who I was to become, I would of LAUGHED in your face..what me???? a social worker?? no way...but now I know that is what I am being called to do.....

Sorry...this is a really random post..haha....I have alot on my mind...but that is okay...

I am tired..and I am so loving my classes..but I need to sleep God!! I need to feel passion for serving you.I need to find new life... Oh God renew me and refresh me to the goodness of your will...there are so many people who need you......I am not perfect..I fail constantly, I get side tracked, get tempted but through it all I know you are there loving and protecting me...





"Even the best fall down sometimes Even the stars refuse to shine Out of the back you fall in time I somehow find You and I collide"
Howie Day